Ep. C: The 100th Episode

*cue elaborate fanfare*

We did it, folks.  100 Episodes of the greatest Holiday Vinyl review series on the World Wide Web (I assume - I doubt there's another asshole out there doing this.)

Because this is a special event (of sorts), I decided to mix things up a little bit with this installment.  It felt like too much of an honor for any shitty, old Christmas album pulled out of a dollar bin at a local record store to be scrutinized on this 100th Episode.  So, instead, I decided to re-evaluate a few of the past installments that were deemed acceptable enough to remain in my collection, but are now getting donated.

Bottom line is I'm running out of room in my Christmas Music crate - some of these mediocre LPs needed to be liquidated in order to make room for new additions later on down the road.  And, odds are, we'll be having another one of these mass-execution episodes in a few years - I can't just keep buying records and keeping them.  Kris would kill me.

So, without further adieu, here's the list of those old relics that are being taken out to pasture:

Album Title:  Remembering Christmas with the Big Bands

Album Artist:  Various Artists

Featured On:  Ep. 2 (Nov. 23, 2015)

Rating:  6

This album wasn't terrible, per se, but in the seven years since I reviewed this one I haven't put it on the turntable to listen to once.  Not once.  Jazz is one of those genres where you have to be in the right mood for it, and when that rare mood arises during the Holiday season when I feel like listening to jazz, I usually gravitate towards the likes of the Vince Guaraldi Trio, Sinatra, or Bing.  Sorry, Glenn Miller and Co., but the ship has sailed for you guys.

I'm sure there are thousands of World War II vets rolling in their graves over this decision, but whatever.

Album Title:  Your Favorite Christmas Music, Volume 4

Album Artist:  Various Artists

Featured On:  Ep. 6 (Dec. 1, 2015)

Rating:  6

Another perfect example of 'this is okay, but I have other LPs that are better.'  This compilation from the good people over at Firestone (seriously, what the f***) is fine example of contemporary '50s/60s music that was all the rage back in the day, but was over-shadowed by the counter-culture surge of Rock and Roll and 'the negro music.'  Traditional artists doing larger-than-necessary renditions of Christmas classics.  I honestly can't believe I gave this one a '6' seven years ago - had I reviewed this today it would probably be a '4' or a '5,' but back then I was new-ish at analyzing Christmas albums and was a little nicer when giving out scores.  Now that I'm a grumpy old man, I realize that this sounds like so many other boring Holiday albums I've reviewed over the years, and it has no business being in my record collection.

Sorry, (Mary Poppins.)

Album Title:  Enchantment of Christmas

Album Artist:  Various Artists

Featured On:  Ep. 10 (Dec. 8, 2015)

Rating:  7

This one is actually pretty good, and I don't have anything negative to really say about it - it's a great compilation of 50s/60s Christmas music.  Unfortunately, this version is in that VG/G+ range in terms of sound quality: no skips or pops, but some definite surface noise, and if I'm going to hold on to a record I want to make sure I have a decent copy of it.  More than that, however, is the fact that I already have every, last one of these songs on a multi-record, boxed set that's in NM condition, so owning this LP is, honestly, kinda redundant. 

Album Title:  The Little Drummer Boy

Album Artist:  The Abbey Chorale

Featured On:  Ep. 17 (Dec. 20, 2015)

Rating:  6

This one I felt bad about getting rid of at first, but then I realized the error in my ways back in 2015.  See, when I first reviewed this one, I wrongly assumed that this version of 'The Little Drummer Boy' was the definitive one - the classic one from the 1950's that everyone knows.  I can't be faulted too much for that, because it sounds nearly identical, but the version I was thinking about was the famous rendition by The Harry Simeone Chorale (1958.)  That (better) version I already own on an existing Holiday compilation, so there's no reason for me owning an album such as this if the only reason I'm doing so is because of that song.  The rest of the album is okay - like I said before, it's churchy, but done well - but I've rarely listened to it in the years since reviewing it the first time.  

I don't get the need to listen to church music very often (if ever), so this one's getting pitched as well.

Album Title:  What if Mozart Wrote Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas?

Album Artist:  The Hampton String Quartet

Featured On:  Ep. 22 (Dec. 1, 2016)

Rating:  6

I love Classical music, and I love Christmas music, so this one should be a knock out of the park, but it just doesn't work for me.  I've actually listened to this one on occasion since hearing it for the first time back in 2016, and every time I do so I get bored with it.  It's a cool enough concept in theory, but the execution doesn't leave one with feeling the Yuletide vibes at all.  Most of the songs on here require active listening in order to identify a familiar Holiday melody, and that kinda dampens this one on the ol' Fun scale.

Album Title:  A Merry Christmas to You

Album Artist:  David Rose and His Orchestra

Featured On:  Ep. 71 (Dec. 8, 2020)

Rating:  6

This is a pretty solid instrumental album, and sounds like the orchestral, backing music to any one of the countless '50s compilations I've reviewed in the past.  It sounds like the sort of music Sinatra or Bing sang over, and it's mixed well - great background music for the Holiday season.  That being said, this copy is in pretty rough shape, and I have other instrumental albums that I gravitate more towards during the Holiday season.  Like I stated originally, there aren't a lot of highs and lows on this album to keep the listener engaged:  the medleys keep things from getting too boring, but a lot of it starts to sound the same after awhile.  All in all, I'd recommend it for sure if a.) you have a decent copy and b.) don't have anything else similar in your collection.

Album Title:  Christmas with The Canadian Brass and the Great Organ of St. Patrick's Cathedral

Album Artist:  The Canadian Brass

Featured On:  Ep. 90 (Dec. 15, 2021)

Rating:  6

How this LP still works is beyond me - it's not bad at all, but it's not necessarily great either.  It's just okay.  Like all of the other albums in today's post, there's not a lot to complain about, but there are better options in my collection, and I have to trim fat from somewhere.  I held on to this one because of the sheer balls of the brass section - it's not a sound you hear often on a Christmas album, so last year I deemed it was worth holding on to.  I would probably still be holding on to it if I hadn't just had my socks blown off a few days ago when reviewing this similar-but-better, brass-heavy Christmas album.

VERDICT:  n/a (We bid farewell to a few mediocre installments from the previous seven or eight years that were once deemed good enough to remain in Holiday Rotation, but shall now walk The Green Mile in order to make room for new additions in the coming years.)

- SHELVED -

- Brian

Ep. LXXII: 'A Christmas Festival of Songs and Carols, Vol. 2' - Various Artists

'Tis the Season for yule-tide jammitude, masses.  Throw on your Christmas pants and let's get down to business here, shall we. . . 

Album Title:  A Christmas Festival of Songs and Carols, Vol. 2

Album Artist:  Various Artists

Orphans gaze at mankind's most boring collection of toys . .

Well, we're still chipping away at that Bethesda stack I purchased a couple weeks ago.  Like I said before, for 59 cents apiece you can definitely score a crap-load without even realizing it.  I cleaned those guys out and probably dropped, like, $6.  Zero complaints here.

So, this compilation comes from the good folks over at JC Penney, which, I'm told, used to be some kind of department store back in the day.  All the rage.  Perhaps this album's hilarious cover art reflects this, with a bunch of probably-orphans gazing longingly at a storefront window display jam-packed with super-generic toys.  The kind that kids haven't wanted Santa to bring them since, like, 1964.

No wonder JC Penney ate shit and died.

A parade of button-eyed, creepy-ass children.  Kinda reminds me of that movie Coraline.

I mean, look at this crap-show.  A toy accordion?  What kinda of monster would see something like this and think, "Hot damn, that's just the ticket - that's gonna be swell for Junior to open up on Christmas Morning."  Perhaps, even worse, what kid would actually want something like this for Christmas?  Some poor bastard who has parents deeply involved in the polka craze of the 1950s and '60s?  And is grasping at straws for ways to win some kind of affection from them?  How depressing is that scenario?

Anyway, let's get back to the music on this release.  I suppose that's what we're all here for in the first place.  The track list on this compilation is run-of-the-mill, non-offensive, vanilla Christmas music from the sixties.  Every Holiday favorite your grandparents adored while smoking cigarettes in their shag-covered living rooms and waiting for the fruitcake to cool off.

All these '60s Christmas compilations follow a familiar playbook, and so I wasn't shocked in the slightest by what I found here:  a couple country songs, an instrumental medley, a couple 'powerhouse' vocal numbers, and a few numbers featuring choirs.  This variety is par-for-the-course for nearly every compilation I've ever reviewed in the '3' to '5' range in this Record Odyssey of mine, and, not surprisingly, this album finds itself in similar territory.

Chet Atkins' guitar work on 'Little Drummer Boy' is a decent track, and even though I've definitely heard better versions of this song, there's nothing really to complain about here.  Same goes for Arthur Fiedler's take on Tchaikovsky's The Nutcracker - the Boston Pops do a commendable job.

From Our House to Yours.  Yet again. . .

Those couple songs aside, most of the rest of these songs are ridiculously boring, and a select few have that distinction of being pure garbage.  The use of a children's choir on the opening track of Side A is jarring; why producers back in the day felt it was totally cool to throw a children's choir onto a non-children's music compilation is beyond me.  Unless I'm listening to a children's album - which, honestly, I can't see myself going out of my way to do - I don't want to hear little kids singing.  Not at all.  Nobody wants to hear that nonsense.

Mario Lanza, who fancies himself some kind of vocal powerhouse, belts out with a fury on 'O Holy Night,' sounding more like a guy pretending to be an Italian virtuoso than the real deal.  I've heard drunks perform better.  And choosing a soft, religious carol as your showcase number isn't really a smart move, either - show that range on a banger (like, say, 'O Come All Ye Faithful'), not on something that's supposed to be reverent.  C'mon Mario, this is Christmas Music 101.

So yeah, this is typical, fade-into-the-background, boring Christmas music, that offers up few reasons to stay awake long enough to register it's still spinning on your turntable.  

VERDICT:  5/10 - Meh (This is what JC Penney would sound like if JC Penney was a Christmas album)

- SHELVED -

- Brian

Ep. LXXI: 'A Merry Christmas to You' - David Rose and His Orchestra

 Time to cozy up to the fire and put on another slab of Holiday vinyl, America. . .

Album Title:  A Merry Christmas to You

Album Artist:  David Rose and His Orchestra

Again, straight out of the Bethesda stack we've been working through over the course of these last few posts, comes this offering from 'David Rose' and 'His Orchestra.'  This one here didn't really stand out to me in the store, one way or the other:  the artwork is 'meh,' not awesome and not overly-hokey or anything like that, I was honestly pretty underwhelmed by the selection.

But I mean, come on. . . 59 cents.

If anything, the fact that is said it was David Rose was pretty funny.  I don't know if you guys watch Schitt'$ Creek or not, but David Rose (played by Eugene Levy's son) is a pretty hilarious character.  If that dude came out with a Christmas album I'd probably buy it (though, him being gay and everything, it'd probably be a lot of cabaret-ish, glittery nonsense. . . like Elton John or Liberace.)

Anyway, this album totally blindsided me.  This is a true orchestral record, not just saying '. . . and His Orchestra' like so many other albums do, and then featuring like a trombone, an accordion, a trumpet, a bass, and a piano.  Nope, this is the full set-up, folks:  string section, wind section, brass section, percussion section, you name it.  I don't get many true orchestral albums pass through this Record Odyssey of mine, so when they do it's like a bolt of silver lightning on a clear day.

This album is good.

Gonna have to go out on a limb here and say this is bullshit.

The arrangements rely heavily on the medley method, which is preferable when it comes to religious carols:  abridged carols and traditional songs get their chief melodies highlighted, then blended together seamlessly, as if the arrangers wanted to include every highlight of the season onto one Holiday LP.  This was a smart move, because being instrumental this release doesn't need to get bogged down into lyric-focused religious carols with their many, many verses.

Have you ever sung a Christmas carol at church?  There's like six frickin' verses to every song, they go on forever.)

If I had any criticisms, folks, it would be this:  this orchestra doesn't hit the highs and lows of, say, Tchaikovsky's Nutcracker (one of the few other orchestral albums we've reviewed here over the years.)  There's no dynamic forte sections here to speak of, as David Rose instead relies on dreamy, laid-back arrangements you might expect to find in a Christmas-themed Fantasia (if Disney ever produced a Christmas-themed Fantasia film back in the '50s.)  So if the majority of your arrangements are middle-of-the-road - never hitting those highs and lows that you'd find in a traditional symphony, for example - it's probably awesome for, say, television (where you need consistent background music), but not necessarily for focused listening.

Yep.  Another 'From Our Family to Yours' message.  Jesus. . .

I'd have to dock a couple points for that reason alone, folks.  Is this a good album?  Absolutely.  Would it benefit from maybe upping the ante in parts?  For sure.  I've had several albums I've reviewed over the years that stumble into this trap - the entire album sounds the same, so that eventually it just bleeds away into the background.  If you want to engage the listener, mix it up a little.  The great songs on here are great, no question about it, but there's a heck of a lot of filler, as well as some songs that, while there's nothing necessarily wrong with them, per se, aren't easily recognizable.  Rose is forced at some points to blend Holiday carols together with unique bits of melody in order to make them work, which is commendable, but since they're not recognizable you kinda don't get the Christmas-y vibe from 100% of this album.

So, as such, I'm going to have to officially state that this is a good record, that misses the opportunity to be great, which is regrettable.  However, due to it's uncommon sound (orchestral medley arrangements), I think I'll keep it in rotation this year, and re-evaluate its position next season.

VERDICT:  6/10 - Decent (A good orchestral Christmas album, that gets docked a few points for being too repetitive and bland in parts. Also, being from the '50s and everything, it's practically falling apart - kinda thinking I need to reorder this one on Discogs.)

- REMAINS IN CIRCULATION -

- Brian

Ep. LXVIII: 'Shatner Claus: The Christmas Album' - William Shatner

 Dear God, who's ready for a weird-ass Christmas record. . .

Album Title:  Shatner Claus: The Christmas Album

Album Artist:  William Shatner

You know folks, I hate to say it, but I went out of my way to purchase this album.  I really, really did.

This popped up on Amazon while I was browsing for Holiday vinyl a few years ago, and, curious, I clicked on it.  I had initially figured this was going to be a hokey Shatner album (the guy's definitely made a few), featuring that overly-dramatic delivery in a jarring cadence that's his signature staple, and I had every intention of closing the tab on it and never clicking on the item listing again.

But then I took a gander at the track listing:

I hadn't been expecting this, and was intrigued.  So, I added it to an Amazon list and waited for the price to drop.  A year or so passed, and sadly the album never dipped below $29, which, to me, is far too much to be spending on a single-disc release unless it's some limited edition release.  Fast-forward to a month or so ago, while I was snooping for Holiday vinyl in Radio Wasteland, and I not only came across this LP for $24, but it was also a limited edition green-vinyl pressing.

Christmas was saved.

So, let's talk about the actual tracks on this here record for a bit.  This is kinda what you'd expect from a William Shatner album:  his trademark delivery is on full-blast throughout this album, and if you hate the dramatic Shatner thing (which most of us do), just close this tab and go about your day.  

Be aware, however, that some of these songs, aren't half bad - there's a couple on here that are pretty decent.  It's almost like the songs themselves were recorded in studios entirely separate from Captain Kirk, and then, once they were finished, they just wheeled him on in (he's so old I'm just going off on a limb here and assuming he's in a wheelchair now) and had him talk/sing over the existing songs.

Seriously, this whole album definitely comes across as a confused old man, shuffling to an fro among a recording studio, and every time the sound mixer guy starts playing a new song, Shatner is led up to a microphone to just babble about whatever's on his mind.  Sometimes - and, I really have to stress here, sometimes - he makes a weak attempt at singing along with this song.  Most of the time, however, he's just spurting words into a microphone, that, honestly, can be about anything.

The arrangements on here vary from pretty straight-forward, pretty awesome, Holiday anthems ('Jingle Bells,' featuring the legendary Henry Rollins of Black Flag) to completely bizarre bits of spoken-word weirdness ('Twas the Night Before Christmas.')  And a little of everything in between.

Now, I will be completely honest with you, folks:  this one is not for everyone.  Today, while reviewing this album, Kris was like, "What is this?"  She was not a fan, nor would most folk be, I assume.  But me?  I was raised on the 1989 classic Dr. Demento Presents the Greatest Christmas Novelty CD of All Time.  

For those of you unfamiliar with Dr. Demento, he's a radio personality that threw his name behind a collection of nostalgic, Holiday comedy songs from the '60s to late '80s, featuring heavyweights like Allan Sherman, Spike Jones, Cheech and Chong, Bob and Doug Mackenzie, etc.  It's a ridiculous collection of Christmas songs, and by all rationale they shouldn't be good.  'Nuttin' for Christmas,' 'Santa Claus and His Old Lady,'  - you get the idea.  But despite their low-brow cheesiness, they were hilarious to a ten-year-old kid, who considered them 'edgy' and unlike the Mannheim Steamroller bullshit that was eating up the airwaves at the time.  And now that I'm adult, those songs make it on to my playlists because I can appreciate the point of their humor, despite the cheesy delivery. 

So, does a little over-exaggerated, dramatic Shatner belting out a Christmas album in his late eighties cause me to hipsterly scoff this into the 'Shelved' pile of my Holiday vinyl?

Hell No.  Nobody puts Captain Kirk in the Corner.

VERDICT:  7/10 - Pretty Rad (A comedy classic that may someday see some of its tracks end up on a Dr. Demento-ish Christmas Novelty compilation.)

- REMAINS IN CIRCULATION -

- Brian

Ep. LXVII: 'A Christmas Festival of Songs & Carols' - Various Artists

Here we go again. . .

Album Title:  A Christmas Festival of Songs & Carols

Album Artist:  Various Artists

A group so white this could be a GOP photo op.

I bought a stack of shitty Christmas vinyl from the Bethesda Thrift Store, across the street from my school, during a lull on one of my Parent/Teacher Conference Days at work last week.  I grabbed the absolute crappiest-looking albums I could find, 'cause - at 59 cents apiece - it was a no-brainer for reviewing purposes.  

This particular release - courtesy of the once culturally-relevant JC Penney - with it's assembled Aryan herd of children adorning the cover, promised to be hokey as all hell.  I couldn't resist.  Yet, when dropping the needle on the Side A, Track 1, we find a Christmas medley from none other than Arthur Fiedler that and the Boston Pops Orchestra.  It's not the greatest holiday medley I've ever heard, sure enough, but it's pretty good; perhaps this album was going to be another surprise find for the Holiday Season?

Then the second track started.  And I realized this album was exactly what I thought it was going to be.

A whole lot of nonsense.

Mario Lanza, who tries his damnedest to deliver on 'O Little Town of Bethlehem,' sounds like a drunken uncle at a family get-together, trying to impress people by singing along to the radio.  Maybe he can sorta carry a tune (maybe he front his own band back in high school) but, because he's six or seven silver bullets into the afternoon, he's letting loose with a gusto that is by no means warranted.  What should be a quiet, peaceful delivery - 'cause, let's face it, that's kinda the whole 'Bethlehem' vibe - instead sounds more like, "Bro, you wan'me t'tell yoush about this fuggin place called Beffenhem?"

Following up this diddy, we have a children's chorus deliver 'The Little Drummer Boy,' in typical fashion. Not horrible, but considering the previous tracks that have appeared on this release, it's definitely out of place.  There's a time and place for children's choirs, folks, and it's on frickin children's albums.  These 60's music producers were out of their Goddamn minds putting this nonsense in a Holiday compilation album.

Gotta love the back-of-cover inspirational message. . .

The worst song on this record, by far, is delivered by Marian Anderson, who warbles with unbridled fury on 'We Wish You a Merry Christmas.'  I'm assuming this was a somewhat well-known artist back in the day ('cause, I mean, JC Penney doesn't throw just anybody on their Holiday compilations, right?) but this seriously sounds like a guy pretending to sing opera in his best 'womens' voice.  I haven't heard singing this bad since Kate Smith graced us with her presence five years ago.  It seriously sounds like someone pretending to sing, it doesn't sound real - it's that comically bad.  So bad, in fact, that I was more amused than disgusted.

The Robert Shaw Chorale's appearance on this album definitely pissed me off, because their rendition of 'The Little Drummer Boy' is mankind's greatest version, and the fact they brought in child labor for that track on the previous side is kind of infuriating.  'The Twelve Days of Christmas' - which nine times out of ten is a skip-able song on any Christmas playlist, regardless of the artist performing it - is performed by a choir of vocalists so bad that they sound like they've been rejected from a church talent show, and this is their last shot at greatness.

. . .I could honestly keep going, but I think you get the idea.

VERDICT:  3/10 - Seriously? (A valiant attempt from Arthur Fiedler can't help drag this boring - and sometimes comically-bad offering - out of the muck and mire.)

- SHELVED -

- Brian

Ep. LXVI: 'A Sparkling Christmas' - Various Artists

 Welcome back, folks.  Today's installment should be pretty painless. . .

Album Title:  A Sparkling Christmas

Album Artist:  Various Artists

So this one right here I initially came across on Amazon while browsing Holiday vinyl, but after adding it to one of my lists the price skyrocketed.  I hopped onto Discogs to see if the price was any better over there, and was fortunately able to pick up a 'champagne'-colored pressing for less than $20.  

Once again:  as gimmicky as it is, colored vinyl is pretty damn cool.

So, the track listing on this album may be one of the greatest I have ever seen on a Holiday compilation.  This is so jam-packed full of Christmas classics that you could make the argument that if you were only able to spin one album during the Holiday Season, it should be this one.  This is a Who's Who of yuletide classics, without any of what I like to call 'new classics' which usually appear on compilations like this (pieces of audio garbage like Maria Carey's 'All I Want for Christmas is You,' holiday offerings from Michael Buble and Josh Groban, everything those assholes in Pentatonix have ever recorded, etc. etc.)

I mean, just take a look at this f***ing track listing:

Yeah.  Seriously.

So, I think that the weakest track on this entire release is Johnny Cash's take on 'The Little Drummer Boy.'  As bad-ass as Johnny Cash is (he's easily in my Top Five all-time favorite artists), he sure did write some God-awful Christmas music.  But honestly, if the weakest song on your album is written by Johnny frickin' Cash, you know you have yourself a Holiday winner.   

VERDICT:  9/10 - Cowabunga! (A nearly perfect record, which loses a point from one or two less-than-stellar tracks that are still somewhat tolerable.  If I could rate this a 9.5, I would.)

- REMAINS IN CIRCULATION -

- Brian

Ep. LXV: 'Boogie Woogie Christmas' - The Brian Setzer Orchestra

Alright folks, time to mix yourself up a Christmas cocktail and settle on in for another round of Yuletide jam analysis. . .

Album Title:  Boogie Woogie Christmas

Album Artist:  The Brian Setzer Orchestra

So I bought this one off Amazon about a month ago, as I've had this in my digital library for years and a number of Setzer's songs have repeatedly appeared on my customized Holiday playlists.  I was pleasantly surprised to find, upon opening the album up, that the record was pressed on limited-edition, green and white splattered vinyl.  And sure, while it doesn't necessarily improve the sound quality, per se, it does look pretty awesome on the turntable.  Colored vinyl is definitely a gimmick, but it's a gimmick that works, folks.

Anyway, by far my favorite track on this album - the the number one reason I pulled the trigger on this purchase - is Setzer's 'The Nutcracker Suite.'  This may be my all-time favorite homage to Tchaikovsky, since it covers such a wide array of source material and delivery.  All the highlight's of the great Russian masterpiece are touched on here - 'Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairies,' 'Russian Dance,' etc. - and the track sways back and forth between Setzer's trademark, rockabilly swing and more traditional classical music (granted, with muted guitars.)  He knows when to put the foot to the pedal for the louder and more up-tempo parts of this piece, but also knows when to pump the brakes (when the melodies are supposed to be quiet and/or slower.)  Setzer is smart enough to know that his ballsy horny section shouldn't be blaring full-tilt throughout the entirety of the suite - smart thinking that so many other acts would've botched, for sure.

All in all, this is a fun take on a Christmas classic, and as a result this song has been featured in countless movies, commercials, compilation releases, and, most importantly, Brian Hough playlists.

Highs and lows from Brian Setzer.

Now, as for the rest of the album, we're left with what could easily be expected from Setzer.  Nearly all of the songs on here feature either the full-horn section of the classic 'swing' sound, or else the walking bass and surf guitar that embodied the Stray Cats (Setzer's notable band.)  Some songs - 'Winter Wonderland,' 'Run Rudolph Run,' 'The Man with a Bag,' etc. - work well because they're well-known songs that have been done in the past with a certain 'rock' angle, so Setzer's sound translates well to them.  Others, however - most notably 'Baby It's Cold Outside' - are terrible songs to begin with, and Setzer doesn't really seem to know what to do with them.  

He's got an original on here, too, called 'Boogie Woogie Santa' which is pretty painful to listen to.  It suffers from my number one grip of Setzer, and that is it tries too hard to be cool.  

Seriously.  F*** these guys.

Do you remember how, during the summer of 1998, swing music was suddenly popular again?  There were all these stupid zoot suit bands popping up, and it was all over MTV, and I even saw a couple of those bands perform at Warped Tour down in Detroit when my friends and I went to see punk bands like Rancid, Bad Religion, and NOFX.  Then, the fall came, and all those bands disappeared and were never heard from again.

(Thank God.)

Well, those swing bands tried way too hard to be cool.  Their whole shtick was just a lame gimmick.  Their stupid outfits, their blatant attempt at resurrecting a music and dance style that was long-dead before Elvis and Chuck Berry stepped on to a stage, but most importantly their lyrics about their musical genre.  Folks, if you have to tell people how cool you are all the time, you're not very cool.  

And Setzer goes out of his way from time to time on this release to make sure everyone knows just how cool he is, and he doesn't really need to.  I wish he just stuck to arranging classic Christmas songs instead, like he did with Tchaikovsky, because if he had done that this album could've been great instead of good.

VERDICT:  7/10 - Pretty Rad (A solid assortment of Christmas classic given the usual Brian Setzer treatment, that delivers from time to time but also suffers from the former Stray Cat trying too hard to be cool.) 

- REMAINS IN CIRCULATION -

Ep. LXIII: 'Music of the Medieval Court and Countryside' - New York Pro Musica

Jesus Christ.  I have a weird one today, folks.

Album Title:  Music of the Medieval Court and Countryside (for the Christmas Season)

Album Artist:  New York Pro Musica

So I was in Radio Wasteland a couple days ago, selling back some vinyl and perusing their Holiday selection (half- looking for some awesome new additions to my Christmas vinyl collection, half- looking for records so God-awful that they'd be fun to review in this Odyssey of mine), and I stumbled across this Decca selection for $5.  For being so old (1952), it was in NM/NM condition, looking as if it had never been played (sounds like it, too), and it's one of those albums that includes a frickin' 20-page book - so commonly found in classical music or opera LPs - that give you a history of each and every track on the record.

I'm a big fan of that.

To summarize said included literature, this selection of musicians and singers present traditional folk and religious music from the 12th to 17th centuries, commonly played in the courts of the ruling classes and in cathedrals across Western Europe.  Check it out:

It's too bad more albums don't have big, 30-page mini-book inserts like this - I feel like that's a missed opportunity.  Like, not just liner notes, but full backstories of how albums came together.  Wouldn't that be awesome?

This album sounds exactly like I thought it would, honestly - the kind of music you'd expect to hear while waltzing into a Renaissance Faire.  Or, perhaps, while waiting for a Loading screen in a Sid Meier's Civilization game.  To call it 'Christmas'-y is definitely a stretch, but these guys are definitely representing themselves accurately when they refer to this offering as 'Medieval Court' music.  If you've ever seen a movie set in the Middle Ages, and there's been a scene where there's a feast of some kind, in like the Great Hall of a castle, then you've heard arrangements like the instrumentals found on this album.

People couldn't draw for shit in the Middle Ages.

Picture it, folks.  A portly king, nobly drunk, red-faced and laughing his ass off, sloshing around a golden goblet of wine at the end of a long table.  Probably sloshing it accidentally over his visibly-annoyed and pious-as-f*** queen (who obviously sports a resting bitch face.)  Bearded nobles flank them on either side, some look drunk and merry, others dark and probably up to no good.  Courtiers, hangers-on, and ladies-in-waiting move about the feast, jockeying for position among the tables, all the while servants bustle to and fro, spilling shit.  Hunting dogs wrestle for bones on the stone floor, roaring fires illuminate the banner-covered walls, while bored guards standing about the perimeter, leaning on spears. 

You see where I'm going with this.

I'd say that aforementioned scene adds up to half the music on this album sounds like what you'd expect to hear.  These festive, instrumental numbers from a bygone era are solid tracks, and I can't find fault in them.  Do they truly sound Christmas-y in nature?  Eh, I guess if 'Good King Wenceslas' was the hit song from an obscure One Hit Wonder, this music could be the rest of said One Hit Wonder's catalog.  It sorta sounds the same, but it's definitely not of the same calibre as their hit single.

(And just so we're clear, here:  'Good King Wenceslas' does not appear on this album.)

Some stylish folk threw down on this album. . .

Now, the other half of these tracks are vocal arrangements - sometimes with just the vocals alone, and sometimes with an instrument or two adding accents here or there.  Instead of at a feast, these are tracks more commonly found whilst strolling through a gothic cathedral.  Now, maybe these guys are singing about Christmas - it's totally possible - but since I don't speak frickin' Latin, we're never gonna know.  This doesn't bother me too much, though; I mean, if these vocalists were singing in anything but Latin (say, English, if you will), that'd be ridiculously jarring, don't you think?

I mean, if you're traveling back in time to the Middle Ages, and happen to find yourself listening to an assortment of monks singing solemnly about what we can all assume is religious stuff, and they were NOT singing in Latin. . . well, if I were you I'd get the hell out of their real fast.  Latin is kinda their jam - to sing anything else would probably get them burned at the stake for heresy or something.

There ya go.

Anyway, in summary, this is pretty interesting record, and it's a unique addition to my collection - totally glad I stumbled upon it this year.  That being said, it's not something I imagine I'll listen to as frequently as some of the other ones in my Holiday collection.  Alas, had they only upped the Yule a bit on this one. . .

. . . and also alas, I kinda wish I would've written this entire blog entry in Ye Olde English, now that I think about it.  Son of a bitch. . .

VERDICT:  6/10 - Decent (This would have definitely been a strong '7,' but this is, after all, a Holiday music series, and I have to rate it accordingly.  I'm shelving it for this year, but it very well may end up in circulation in coming years.) 

- SHELVED -

- Brian

Ep. LXII: 'The Bells of Christmas Chime Again' - Eddie Dunstedter

Here we go, folks.  Time to get back into some weirdness.  Some terrifying, soul-shattering weirdness.

Album Title:  The Bells of Christmas Chime Again

Album Artist:  Eddie Dunstedter

I'm not gonna lie here, folks:  I totally picked this up from Radio Wasteland (for a $1) knowing that it was going to be a complete train wreck.  I mean, c'mon - chimes and organ?  In the dollar bin?  You know what you're getting here.  

You can practically smell the moth balls. . .

The opening track on Side A of this album is supposed to be 'White Christmas,' which - you'd think - would be a pretty straight-forward affair.  You'd think, with 'chimes' and 'organs' involved, this was going to sound like an every other organ-heavy Christmas album we've covered in this here Record Odyssey of ours.  Heavy on the warbly church service vibe, visions of elderly parishioners quietly nodding off all about you.  Maybe some dead poinsettias strewn about the wood-paneled walls of the congregation, along with faded gold tinsel and dust-covered hymnals.

Well, if you can believe it, dear readers, that would have been waaaaay better than what we have here.

The Haunted Mansion, ca. 2019.

For the first twenty or so seconds of the opening track, I wasn't aware I was listening to 'White Christmas' at all.  Instead, it sounds like the opening foreboding of Disney's Haunted Mansion, the eerie organ beating on in a sluggish cadence like it's summoning forth the deceased.  There's a few descending chord progressions, too, that seem to go on for minutes, as if the tormented soul hammering away on this organ is resolute in pounding EVERY. LAST. KEY. on the way down to the lowest possible octave.  

Straight down into the bowels of Hell.

Look, I know I sometimes have a flair for the dramatic, but if you were to listen to this album yourself, you'd see where I'm getting such horrifying imagery.  I've seen the likes of Tennessee Ernie Ford a time or twelve in this series of mine, but at least with that piece of absolute shit you have someone singing.  Here, without any lyrics whatsoever to remind us of a human presence in this recording, we're left to our own macabre imaginations.  

And it ain't pretty, folks.

May he haunt your dreams. . .

Dungeon music from The Legend of Zelda kicks of 'Winter Wonderland,' which later becomes a full-tilt, seedy carnival jamboree.  'In the Clock Store' sounds f***ing insane.  Cuckoo clocks and autonomic bird sounds over an organ?  With an overall German glockenspiel hammering away in a relentless swirl of noise?  It sounds like the sorta shit you'd hear in the heads of occupants in a Bavarian insane asylum.  Oh, and 'Ring Christmas Bells'?  The shit sounds like it's being played by the Phantom of the Opera on a two-week bender.

I wish I were over-exaggerating.  I really do.

If you guys ever want to see what the face of pure evil looks like, America, I'll show you:

Don't look directly into his eyes.

VERDICT:  1/10 - Ohio (This is the scariest Christmas album I've heard in a long, long time.)

- SHELVED -

- Brian