Ep. CXV: 'And They Killed Christmas' - Various Artists

Folks, brace yourselves for what may be one of the weirdest releases of this Holiday season. . . 

Album Title:  And They Killed Christmas

Album Artist:  Various Artists

I stumbled across this album a year ago on a site called MerchBar - one of those sites that offers vinyl for dirt cheap, but it may take you, like, six months to get in the mail. I hadn't heard of this particular release before, but I figured with The Vandals on it - and for an insanely low price of $3 - it was kind of a no-brainer. Plus, it's pressed on green vinyl, which, as we all know, makes it sound better.

Anyway, this album may be the most random compilation of music I've ever listened to. I assumed that with The Vandals headlining this baby, we'd have ourselves some kinda snotty, punk-ish album on our hands. Maybe not all the acts on here would come from a punk rock background, but at the very least maybe the lyrics would be snarky or it'd be sort of rock-ish in tone. 

That's not at all what we have here.  I'm not even sure I'm qualified to try and explain this damn thing.

'My First Christmas as a Woman' is exactly what you'd come to expect from The Vandals, most of the cornerstones of punk music, dating back to the early 1980s. The lyrics are hilarious, it sounds like the Vandals doing a Christmas song, and, while it's not one of their better songs by any means, it's not downright awful. If the rest of the album was up to the caliber of this opening track, you'd have yourself a solid '7' on your hands, no doubt about it.

But that's not what we have here at all, folks.

There's a stretch of songs that follow where you get the vibe that they were going with some kind of a punk/rock version of Dr. Demento's Christmas album with this release. 'Aquaclaus' is a decent enough parody of Jethro Tull's Aqualung, replacing the lyrics of the classic original with some shit about Santa or whatever (obviously.)  'X-M@$' is surprisingly good, which is all the more bizarre considering it's from Corey Taylor, whom I believe is the front man from Slipknot (a notoriously shitty band.) Verses are meh, but the chorus sounds like Social Distortion, it's pretty badass. 'Sexy Santa' by Steel Panther is cheesy '80s cock rock - hairspray, guy-liner, and tight, leather pants - just with Christmas-y lyrics (about Santa being sexy, in case you were wondering.) It's not awesome, but for purposes of album filler it's not terrible.

Then everything grinds to a f***ing halt. 

'An Old Fashioned Christmas' by Linda Bennett is some soft pop number from the 1970's that is so sonically out of step here that it's like being doused with a bucket of cold ice water. At first it comes across as just any other Anne Murray Holiday jam (though the woman's vocals twang a bit more), until the dark theme of the song becomes evident: a dad/husband's usual bus (that he always takes home from work) runs head-on into a tree, and there are no survivors. The woman singing - the mom/wife - believes he's been killed, but puts on a brave face for two whiny-ass kids who are all concerned (on Christmas Eve, of course.) This is when the song's inclusion on this particular album becomes obvious. It's not a great song, but it's kinda funny. . . in a macabre sorta way.

The randomness and absurdity explodes on Side U (instead of Side 'A' and 'B,' they went with Side 'F' and 'U'. . . seriously.) 'Silent Nite' is a weird, Butthole's Surfer-inspired, heavy acid trip with a drunken Balrog on vocal duty. I'm not sure who the intended audience is for this song, but drugs are definitely involved. 'Santa's Gonna Kick Your Ass' is a polka number that could have appeared on a novelty Holiday album if it weren't for the Rated R lyrics. Lots of nyuck nyucks abound.

If we were going to base this album solely on concept, I can imagine giving it a '7' - I get what they were trying to do here - but the song choices fall flat a lot of the time. Musically, this thing is so frickin' random that you can't passively listen to it, and you really have to be invested in analyzing the concept (Christmas sucks) to appreciate it. There's no way Kris would ever listen to this.

I think what really sinks this album is the inclusion of songs that are so bad that the producers thought it'd be funny to add them to the track listing. Like, there's nothing comical about the lyrics, they're just bad songs. While I enjoy the 'so bad it's good' trope as much as the next guy, it's not a great idea when compiling a Holiday album. There are three or four songs on this album that were selected because they're comically bad: the previously described 'An Old Fashioned Christmas,' Burt Bacharach's 'The Bell That Couldn't Jingle,' 'Christmas Is (Make it Sweet)' by Bobby Sherman (and a bunch of tone-deaf little kids), and Steve W. Mauldin's 'O Holy Night.' 

One song like this would have been more than enough. Devoting nearly half an album to this 'joke' is overkill.

So, all in all, I think I'm gonna hold on to this one for the time being, but I don't see it getting a lot of spin time. A couple songs on here are okay, but nothing's spectacular - this is more of a comedy album than a punk album (what I thought I was getting), but it's like one of those comedy films where there's a couple scenes that are decent but the jokes seem to fall flat most of the time.

That's not a movie you're going to re-watch a ton of times, guys.

VERDICT:  6/10 - Decent (They leaned in too heavy with the 'so bad it's funny' thing and over-played their hand. I was waaaay too sober for this one. . .)

- SHELVED-

- Brian

Ep. CXIII: 'Christmas in Tahoe' - Train

Who's got two thumbs and is ready to rate some mediocre, Holiday corporate rock? *points both thumbs at self*  This guy is. . .

Album Title:  Christmas in Tahoe

Album Artist:  Train

For $11, I picked this up on Amazon back in June of 2022. I'm not a fan of Train, but figured since they're a somewhat recognizable band and this thing is pressed on limited-edition, translucent green vinyl, I'd eventually be able to resell it at a later date for probably two or three times that price if I ever needed to.

And guys, it looks like I'm going to need to.

What exactly is the purpose of a boat like this - is it a fishing boat? 

For those of you unfamiliar with this particular band, Train kinda broke out in the late '90s and fell into that 'return-to-rock' niche that emerged during the peak days of nu-metal, alongside bands like, say, Fuel (trying to take the 'real rock' torch from The Black Crowes of the early 90s.) A year or two later, the garage rock revival landed - with bands like The Strokes, The White Stripes, and The Hives - mercifully saving mankind from nu-metal once and for all. . . and consequently side-lining bands like Train that were prancing around in leather bands and unbuttoned shirts, trying to be The Stones.

Re-branding themselves in order to stay in the limelight, bands like Train softened their sound and became more approachable. Songs about cocaine were switched to songs about getting lost in some chick's eyes. Instead of being the CD a true rock fan would reach for while driving around in his car, this is the sort of CD he could find in his girlfriend's car. (That girl, by the way, is a preppy, sorority type, but she saw the video of their one song on MTV and liked the chorus hook. . . and she is dating a rock guy, after all. Just to get back at her dad.)

Anyway, the band itself is good for what it does. . . I just don't care for it.  Can the vocalist sing well?  100%, he's got a good voice.  Is the band tight?  You bet, they've been around for, like, 25 years.  For fans of friendly, clean radio rock fine-tuned by music executives - One Republic, Imagine Dragons, etc. - this Holiday album is probably a no-brainer.  

And that's exactly whom I'm hoping will buy this album from me. 

So, let's play Devil's Advocate here for a sec and imagine that Yours Truly used to like Train back in the day and picked this up for nostalgic purposes.  Would this Holiday album work?  Maybe. While the singer has impressive range, and the band is clearly talented on their respective instruments, they fail to make any of these songs theirs. They come across like some hired Wedding Band, being handed a list of Christmas songs the Bride wants performed at her wedding (why she wants to have Christmas music performed at her wedding is beyond any of us at this point.) This album has the energy of sober karaoke performed by people who were dragged up onto the stage by their drunken friends, and are clearly keeping an eye on the exit.

There are some original songs on here, but none of them deliver - it all sounds like radio rock (soft and inoffensive) performed by a band that last had a hit, like, over a decade ago. There's no identity in this music, no soul, no fire inside the musicians - the entire two records sound like its been done by a cover band. These songs will be forgotten immediately, never receive widespread radio play (if any), and will never once be covered by amateur or professional alike.  

The moral of this story, kids, is that if you're going to make a cover album, you need to bring something to the table that makes the songs your own. We're to the point where Holiday albums are a blank canvas where artists can pick and choose the public domain titles they want to cover. So one is free to craft and shape the Holiday album of their choice, there's no excuse for something like this particular album. You need to put your heart and soul into it, because true music fans can tell in a heartbeat when you're just calling it in in order to pick up a paycheck.

VERDICT:  6/10 - Decent (A washed up band from the early 2000s bring their corporate rock sound to the stage in order to deliver cover band -quality renditions of Holiday favorites. . . and a few uninspired originals. It gets a couple points because the band is clearly talented, and at no point at all is this album terrible, but its overall soullessness speaks volumes and prohibits me from every listening to this ever again.)

- SHELVED- 

- Brian

Ep. CX: 'A Very Cool Christmas, Vol. 2' - Various Artists

Hey gang, welcome back - pour yourself a Christmas cocktail and join me for a double-length spin around the yuletide turntable . . .

Album Title:  A Very Cool Christmas, Vol. 2

Album Artist:  Various Artists

I picked this one up on Amazon a couple months ago when it dropped down to, oh, $20 or so. That's a lot to spend on a Holiday album for sure (for me, at least), but considering this originally retailed for, like, $40 - and knowing that the producers of this series generally put together pretty stellar compilations - I decided to pull the trigger on it. Plus, with a whopping 32 tracks on it, it's well worth the money.

I'm kinda kicking myself I didn't pick up Volume 3 when it was at a similar price point, as that one's currently listed at almost $50 (but you can rest assured I'm keeping my eye on it.)

You may recall that I've already reviewed Volume I, back in 2019, and that release scored a solid '8' on my rating scale.  Similarly, this album is also a double-LP, pressed on matching gold-colored vinyl instead of the previous volume's red and green records. Like its predecessor, the album is divided into two, distinctive sections: the first record, 'Rockin',' is a mix of rock, indie, blues, and country (seriously), while the second 'Groovin''' record is comprised of soul, funk, and classic R&B.

Note: I have #908 of the Limited Edition Numbered variant. 

The first record doesn't have the highs and lows of Volume I; the songs here are more middle-of-the-road. While there aren't a lot of songs that completely knock it out of the park, there's no out-right stinkers, either (no bizarre French cha-cha'ing this time around, thank Christ.) Canned Heat's 'Christmas Blues,' Weezer's 'We Wish You a Merry Christmas,' and Chuck Berry's 'Run Rudolph Run' are all heavy-hitters on many of my Holiday playlists, and all make appearances on this first record. Sadly, so does Bob Dylan's polka-fied 'Must Be Santa,' which, judging by his voice, he recorded in his eighties (I love Bob Dylan as much as the next guy, but this Christmas song - which gets way more attention than it should - is downright grating.)

Could have also done without Harry Nilson's 'Remember' on this album, as its far from 'Rockin'' - plays like a soft-rock ballad. If it had made an appearance on a Holiday album with that kind of sound, I may have not batted an eyelash, but it feels ridiculously out of place on this one.

And also, I probably wouldn't own such a record. But that's besides the point.

The 'Groovin'' record is a little safer - lots more 'song recognition' on this one. Heavy Motown vibe here, with songs from James Brown, Stevie Wonder, Darlene Love, etc. all delivering with songs I'm sure you've heard on the radio countless times. There's more consistency in 'vibe' here as well, and the songs seem like they were compiled by one person instead of, say, a country fan, an indie fan, a classic rock fan, and a weirdo (which I'm sure was the scenario on the first record.)

If you end up picking this one up, I'd avoid the Isaac Hayes and John Lee Hooker tracks on this second album at all costs. Both sound exactly like you'd expect, they're definitely not deviating from their signature sounds (and more power to them for that, I guess), but neither mesh well with the rest of the sound found here. 

Isaac makes you want to rush over to the nearest living thing and have yuletide sex with it, and John Lee makes you want to get drunk and blow its brains out with a shotgun once you're finished with it.

Happy Holidays, everyone.

VERDICT:  8/10 - Awesome (Another great addition to this star-studded compilation series. The majority of this album blends fluidly, without cringe-inducing tracks to pull the rating down too far. It loses a couple points for some odd song choices, but even these aren't outright terrible. If it drops in price again, be sure to pounce on it.)

- REMAINS IN ROTATION -

- Brian

Ep. LXXV: 'Complete Christmas Songbook' - Los Straitjackets

 Finally.  Time to liven up the ol' turntable with a solid helping of Yuletide badass-ness. . .

Album Title:  Complete Christmas Songbook

Album Artist:  Los Straitjackets

This is a FUN Christmas album.  I had never heard of Los Straitjackets before, outside of a couple songs they had released on existing compilations I own, and that I always thought were good jams.  When I saw this two-disc, brand new collection of every Holiday song these guys have ever recorded in their thirty-plus year career (yes, this band has been around that long), for an unheard of $6 on Amazon, I had no choice but to pull the trigger.

And that, dear readers, may be one of the best purchased I've ever made on Amazon.  Ever.

Folks, this holiday collection is practically flawless.  This is The Ventures with a Tijuana seasoning (despite that all these guys are gringos from Nashville, which you totally wouldn't guess from their sound and love of wearing Mexican Wrestling masks.)  This band dishes out an explosive mix of classic surf guitar and energetic drumming (with a twist of salt and lime) that roars out of the starting gate without once tripping up on its feet.  This truly sounds like a band that has played together for years - military-precision timing tells you these guys can anticipate one another's playing styles, which creates enjoyable, crisp, well-executed arrangements that perfectly capture every single Holiday song in a way that does each song justice, while maintaining the band's own signature sound.

I hate to say it folks, and you might think I'm crazy for sayin' it, but these guys do a better job of being The Ventures than The Ventures do.  There.  I said it.

There really isn't a weak song on this entire release, though I will admit that their strengths lie in their faster numbers.  Nothing necessarily wrong with their slower numbers, but they're clearly not as well-centered in the band's comfort zone.  

This album is perfect for so many situations, too.  Having a party?  Throw this sum'bitch on the turntable, no question.  Gift wrapping presents?  This one is perfect.  Decorating a Christmas tree?  Yup.  Driving around, looking at Christmas lights?  Can't think of a better album to listen to.  In all honesty, the only situation I can think of that this wouldn't be suitable for is, perhaps, sitting in a church service.  Or looking at one of those live-action Nativity scenes.

And even then, I'd still probably be cool with this.

As far as instrumental records go, this one very well may be in my Top Three.  Like, right up there with Vince Guaraldi Trio's Charlie Brown Christmas.  I think what eventually takes this one down a peg is the fact that, much like other albums I've reviewed over the years, many of these songs start to sound the same after awhile.  If this was a ten-track album, this might not be too big of a deal. . . but there are 27 tracks on this release, and most of them have a very similar sound.  That, and there's a couple 'live' songs at the end of Side D where there are actually vocals here and there, which, after three sides of pure instrumentals, is kinda like having a bucket of cold water thrown in your face.

Minor gripes, really, but there you go.

VERDICT:  9/10 - Cowabunga! (You'd be hard-pressed to find a better instrumental Holiday album.)

- REMAINS IN CIRCULATION -

- Brian

Ep. LXVI: 'A Sparkling Christmas' - Various Artists

 Welcome back, folks.  Today's installment should be pretty painless. . .

Album Title:  A Sparkling Christmas

Album Artist:  Various Artists

So this one right here I initially came across on Amazon while browsing Holiday vinyl, but after adding it to one of my lists the price skyrocketed.  I hopped onto Discogs to see if the price was any better over there, and was fortunately able to pick up a 'champagne'-colored pressing for less than $20.  

Once again:  as gimmicky as it is, colored vinyl is pretty damn cool.

So, the track listing on this album may be one of the greatest I have ever seen on a Holiday compilation.  This is so jam-packed full of Christmas classics that you could make the argument that if you were only able to spin one album during the Holiday Season, it should be this one.  This is a Who's Who of yuletide classics, without any of what I like to call 'new classics' which usually appear on compilations like this (pieces of audio garbage like Maria Carey's 'All I Want for Christmas is You,' holiday offerings from Michael Buble and Josh Groban, everything those assholes in Pentatonix have ever recorded, etc. etc.)

I mean, just take a look at this f***ing track listing:

Yeah.  Seriously.

So, I think that the weakest track on this entire release is Johnny Cash's take on 'The Little Drummer Boy.'  As bad-ass as Johnny Cash is (he's easily in my Top Five all-time favorite artists), he sure did write some God-awful Christmas music.  But honestly, if the weakest song on your album is written by Johnny frickin' Cash, you know you have yourself a Holiday winner.   

VERDICT:  9/10 - Cowabunga! (A nearly perfect record, which loses a point from one or two less-than-stellar tracks that are still somewhat tolerable.  If I could rate this a 9.5, I would.)

- REMAINS IN CIRCULATION -

- Brian

Ep. XLVI: ' A Twisted Christmas - Twisted Sister

What's up, America.

We got ourselves another album to scrutinize this evening. . .

Album Title:  A Twisted Christmas

Album Artist:  Twisted Sister

So my Christmas record collection, unbeknownst to me up until this point, was severely lacking in the harder rock niche of the genre.  I've got plenty of classic crooner stuff in my Holiday Record Collectoin, and lots of children's music and movie soundtracks, classical pieces, gospel/religious music, jazz albums, country Christmas stuff, etc. Alas, nothing 'harder.'  Not that that's necessarily my fault, mind you:   honestly, there are very few Christmasy rock albums out there, aside, of course, from the early rock and roll classics - Holiday songs by Chuck Berry, the Beach Boys, Elvis, even the Sonics.

Within the last ten years, however, several rock bands have come forward with their own collection of Holiday offerings:  bands like Weezer, Cheap Trick, Bad Religion, and this, Twisted Sister.

Now, in all fairness, I've never considered myself a fan of these guys.  They had that one song in the '80s, which, if I found it on the radio on a commute to work, I wouldn't change the station, but I wouldn't necessarily go out of my way to listen to it.  I certainly don't own any Twisted Sister albums on vinyl.

Well, now I do.

I had this in my iTunes library for a couple years before ultimately pulling the trigger and buying it off Discogs last month.  This was a Record Store Day exclusive a few years back, and was released on festive green vinyl, and for $20, I said 'what the hell.'

This album delivers exactly what it promises:  it's an '80s 'metal' band playing Christmas music, and it sounds just as one would imagine.  They knock it out of the park with a few gems on this album, notably "O Come All Ye Faithful," "Silver Bells," "Deck the Halls," and "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus," and even the weaker songs on the album (like the opener on Side A) aren't all-together terrible.

Honestly, I went out of my way to purchase this on vinyl because I find myself listening to it regularly (not all the way through, but about two-thirds of this album has made it into several of my Holiday playlists.  These songs are a hell of a lot of fun, and if you fancy yourself a rock aficionado who doesn't mind a little cheese with their metal, you'd be downright stupid if you passed this one up.

As a life-long fan of rock music in general, and as someone who forgoes all his usual musical tendencies in favor of Christmas music during the Holiday season, I tend to start craving something 'harder' as we roll into December.  I suffer from rock and roll, punk and metal withdrawals, I guess you could say.  And since I'm a firm believer in the idea that one should only listen to Holiday music during the Holidays, this album right here helps take the edge off my cravings.

I really wish more bands out there would record Christmas albums (pay attention, Rancid.)

VERDICT:  8/10 - Awesome (A ridiculously fun album to keep in Holiday Rotation, and one that fills the need for more 'rock' in one's Holiday listening.  It loses a couple points for a few 'meh' tracks, as well as the fact that, honestly, it is Twisted Sister.)

- REMAINS IN ROTATION -