Ep. CXXII: 'A Christmas to Remember' - Various Artists

Hey there. Let's jump into this one and, well, just see what we can wrap our heads around . .

Album Title:  A Christmas to Remember

Album Artist:  Various Artists

Right off the bat, I should let you guys know that this was one of the more difficult albums I've had to review for the Holidays. I first spotted it at Radio Wasteland in the dusty-as-all-hell Dollar Bin, and right away I thought this was going to be a total crap-fest, considering:

No, that's not The Band - it's The Christmas Boogie Band. Huge difference.

1.)  I didn't recognize a single artist on the track listing on the back of the sleeve, which is rarely a good sign. I mean, how hard is it really to book a C- or D-List artist for a Holiday record? How many absolute train wrecks have we seen over the years featuring abysmal 'talent' in their track listings? These dudes are always clamoring for spots on Christmas compilations like this, that's pretty much all they had once their mainstream careers began to dry up. 

2.)  The cover art is. . . something. You have Santa Claus, flying across a wintery landscape, like he's been known to do - directly in front of the moon like he's in E.T. or some shit. Down below on the ground is a herd of wild horses, watching on in what I can only assume is awe at the passing spectacle. Horses are skittish animals, guys, so this probably freaked them right the f*** out. Seeing a dude repeatedly cracking a whip across the backs of their quadruped cousins (are horses and reindeer distantly related?) as THEY FLY ACROSS THE SKY, IN CLEAR DEFIANCE OF GOD'S WILL.

Clearly whoever whipped this together was high as a damn kite.

But I digress. Let's get back to the point of this whole entry here, folks - let's analyze what this thing actually sounds like. 

Dropping the needle on Side A, we're met with some upbeat Tijuana-ish, South-of-the-Border jazz. As you all well know by now, this is most definitely my jam. I sat up, took notice, and was like, 'Oh damn, we might have a surprise keeper on our hands here!'

Remember this one, gang? Colored vinyl pressing of Christmas Disco for $12?

Then, right on its heels, came something different - a full-blown, Salsoul Orchestra-ish rendition of 'Jingle Bells.' Jarring, sure, considering it was preceded by a completely different sound, but not horrible: both were upbeat, fun instrumentals that one could definitely be entertained by, and they were done well (mixing, arrangement, performance - no complaints.) 

The next track also had some disco elements to it, but featured a male singer delivering some straight-up yacht rock vocals over the funkiness. 2015 Brian would not have cared for this in the slightest, but 2024 Brian, folks, is all here for the Yacht Rock.

I was hoping the trend would continue as Side A progressed, but the ol' bucket of ice water was dashed in my face pretty fast when the next track kicked off. A polka number. Heavy on the organ, no accordion to be found, so that it comes across more as a carnival ride soundtrack than an actual Polish take on Christmas. Definitely cringy, but all of these songs clock in under the 2-minute mark, so I was willing to take a point off and continue on my merry way. Fortunately, the next song is a return to Yacht Rock/Disco territory, which, while not my favorite sort of yuletide genre in the slightest, was at least following a discernible trend.

Magnum P.I. and Slenderman enjoy a sleigh ride on a magical winter's night. 

The last track on Side A, while not horrible, was a country/western instrumental done all on a quartet of guitars. And though out of place here (though the 'place,' by this point in time, is starting to get hard to keep track of), it was a decent little track. No, where everything falls of the rails in major fashion is upon flipping the record over on to Side B. . .

It's a piano-led orchestral number. Slow, serene, and it doesn't sound anything like Christmas music. It's like they pressed two different mini-albums onto one frickin' record. No more upbeat, fun music. No more Tijuana jazz, no more disco, no more yacht rock. Now it's time for introspection.

I had a bad feeling that this album was themed (I've reviewed albums in the past that were released like this), with one side the 'upbeat' Christmas music - the fun carols, etc. - and the other side the 'serious' Christmas music (you know, the 'Reason for the Season' and all that crap.)  

I hate it when albums do this.

Well, they definitely weren't kidding with the 'all the different ways you feel' crap.

My fears were well-founded, as it turns out. The next couple tracks were all filled with the usual, boring church bullshit: lots of organ, lots of hand bells, chimes, harpsichords, harmonicas (courtesy of a group called The Harmonicats - seriously, I guess that's a thing that exists), and - of course - swelling string sections. It was bad enough just as mere instrumental tracks, but by the third or fourth song in, they start rolling out the usual, overly-brash male vocals - because belting out religious carols makes it hit harder, I guess - and the standard, old-lady-warbling that you generally hear at a church service you're dragged to during the Holiday Season.

This whole album sounds like some mid-level record company executive asked his sound engineers what masters were lying around the label's studio that hadn't been previously released on prior Holiday compilations. The poor sound dudes, sighing deeply and shaking their heads, came out with a dusty cardboard box filled with a 13 reels of various songs (from all kinds of frickin' genres.) They informed this douchey superior of theirs that these reels were all that was left, but they were from various sessions over the years and there wasn't any continuity to speak of.

Then the executive, in his infinite wisdom, said 'screw it' and told them to mix them all up and have the shit pressed for release.

If it were possible to rate each side separately, I'd probably rate Side A a 6.5 (not that we condone the '0.5' system around here) and Side B a 4. But, because we are a society with f***ing rules, I can't do that, and as such, will be slapping one, big rating on the entire album as a whole.  And I'm not happy about it. At all.

VERDICT:  5/10 - Meh  (Almost good, but damn - this album does to 'compilations' what Michael Bay did to Transformers. It's so random that I want to prescribe it ADHD meds and get it in to therapy.)

- SHELVED-

- Brian

Ep. CXX: 'Christmas at Our House' - Barbara Mandrell

Alright gang, grab yourself a Holiday cocktail and settle on in for an early '80s Yuletide shit-show. . .

Album Title:  Christmas at Our House

Album Artist:  Barbara Mandrell

Guys, this is a weird, weird album.

This Barb chick was apparently was an up-and-coming country singer back in the day. I had to Wikipedia her because I've never heard of this person, who apparently was relevant (kinda) in the late '70s and early '80s. There were a few songs that hit the radio, she had a short-lived variety show back in the day, etc. 

But I consider myself somewhat of a 'music aficionado,' so the fact I haven't heard of her isn't a good sign.

What the hell - this dog looks like a f***ing Muppet. 

Anyway, this album sounds like the entire backing tracks were recorded by a company that specializes in mass-producing karaoke CDs. In fact, even with this chick singing, the entire album sounds like a karaoke album (apparently she was a country singer, but aside from a barely-discernible 'twang' in her voice there's no trace of country on this whole album.) 

While reviewing this, I feel like I'm in a small town dive bar, drinking Coors Lite, and watching a mom of some guy I went to high school with acting like she's in her 20's singing while half-buzzed. Not to that slurry point of drunkenness quite yet, but to that point where she's slightly randy and has her sites set on an unsuspecting member of the audience.

With the exception of 'Winter Wonderland' - the only real Christmas song on this whole, frickin' album - all of the songs on here were clearly written by a team of local community college music majors that were given an assignment by their professor where they had to write 'Christmas Songs.' "For this assignment, you have to use the following Christmas terms in a song featuring at least three major chords: Savior, Christmas, Star, Light, Snow, Magic, Home, Season, Peace, Love, etc."

Guys, I can't stress this enough: Christmas Albums 101 dictates you include songs on your Holiday album that folks can easily recognize and appreciate. Give the masses what they want: "Jingle Bells," "Good King Wencelas," "O Come All Ye Faithful," etc. God knows there's, like, a hundred of them. And they're ALL Public Domain. It's not like money's an issue here, folks. The fact that the studio execs actually said, "Recognizable Christmas songs? Nah, we've got a better idea - hold our beers. . . " is mind-blowing.

The sound majority of the songs here are more religious in nature, which shouldn't be all that surprising seeing how they're from a 'country singer' and everything. This totally sound like the sort of album some small town wife would listen to while their husband Carl and his cousin Todd are out in the woods, drinking shitty beer and checking their animal traps. Around the double-wide trailer they share, this album is playing on a cassette deck (because a turntable would require too much technical skill to operate), and while the wife and Todd's girlfriend are smoking cigarettes and making food in a linoleum-tiled kitchen, a bunch of dirty-faced, fat kids are watching Ernest Saves Christmas while wearing their soaking-wet snow boats indoors. There's lots of antlers on hand, along with obesity and copious usage of the N-word.

Ugh.

Hey guys, wanna see Barb strangle this poor dog to death?

It isn't until well into Side B (seriously) that Barb finally drops another familiar jam, "I'll Be Home for Christmas". . . and even this sounds like shitty karaoke. It's a short-lived moment of familiarity, because the following tracks are all unrecognizable songs that either a.) were written in-house and approved by studio big-wigs that wanted to give this Barb chick a vehicle for Yuletide stardom, or b.) Barb wrote these songs herself. And, in the case of the latter, there's clearly a reason I've never heard of this chick. These songs are terrible.

Barb can sorta sing, but in a way that screams 'shoulder-pads' and 'wine coolers.' One gets the impression that she's the girlfriend of someone with connections. Maybe she was hot back in the day, I don't know. . . but one doesn't get a shot at recording a well-produced Holiday album without having talent or doing 'favors' for the record company execs. 

My money's on the latter.

VERDICT:  3/10 - Seriously? (An obscure country artist from the early '80s records a highly-polished karaoke album filled with 'Christmas' songs that no one has ever heard before. And apparently people bought this album back in the day? Like, with real money?)

- SHELVED-

- Brian

Ep. LXXVI: ' A Christmas Gift for You' - Various Artists

Ladies and Gentledudes of the Internet, I present to you now the return of America's Greatest Yuletide Event:

The Great Christmas Record Odyssey.

So this is, truly, one of my favorite Holiday traditions.  I've been doing this since I first started collecting vinyl, back in 2005, but this is now the seventh year I've been documenting the whole thing on this here blog of ours (with a whopping seventy-five installments thus far.) 

Now, being the first installment in this year's season of vinyl reviewin', I'll once again direct your attention to the cherished rating scale we use around these parts:

10 - . . . And Out Come the Wolves (a symbol of perfection, and arguably one of the greatest albums made in the last twenty five years)

9 - Cowabunga! (if it makes you want to shout like a Ninja Turtle, you know it's good.)

8 - Awesome (worthy of repeated spins during the Holidays)

7 - Pretty Rad (generally, in order for an album of mine to stay in Holiday Season Rotation, it needs to be rated '7' and up.)

6 - Decent (once and awhile a '6' makes it into constant rotation, but only if it satisfies a previously-vacant Holiday music niche.  These albums almost always get 'Shelved':  I hold on to them - for the time being - but they lose turntable time for the duration of the Season.)

5 - Meh  (anything below this point is almost always put into my annual 'Donate to Goodwill' pile)

4 - Borophyll (there may be some redeeming qualities here that might make albums at this score appeal to some people, but definitely not Yours Truly.)

3 - Seriously? (comically bad, if you will.)

2 - Reality TV (there's only one thing shittier than Reality TV in my opinion, and that is. . .)

1 - Ohio (the Ninth Circle of Hell)

Good.  Now that everyone's been refreshed with how shit works around here, let's just go ahead and get started, shall we. . .

Album Title:  A Christmas Gift for You

Album Artist:  Various Artists

I picked this up last year after having it sit on an Amazon list for years and years.  I had heard mixed things about various pressings regarding this release, so I was definitely nervous about picking it up.  Ultimately, I said 'screw it' and pulled the trigger, figuring if the pressing was all that bad I could just go ahead and return it.

Well, fortunately there was no need - the pressing I got sounds just fine.  Should've picked this up years ago.

Anyway.

Folks, this classic collection of Holiday standards is well-known and considered by most to be one of the best Christmas albums in existence.  Four artists - Darlene Love, The Crystals, Bob B. Soxx and the Blue Jeans, and The Ronettes - all provide multiple tracks on this release.  Some of these are well-known staples now - Darlene Love's "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home" and "Marshmallow World," The Ronettes' "Sleigh Ride" and "Frosty the Snowman," etc. - this album is stacked with Holiday classics.

The biggest artist on this release, however, is one Phil Spector.  His legendary Wall of Sound is clearly the star attraction, and is on prominent display from start to finish:  each one of these tracks sounds off like a canon barrage, a wave of volume and balance that must have blown people's Holiday socks off when they first heard it.  From the way the drums are tuned to the layers-upon-layers of vocal tracks, these recordings are nearly impeccable.

If there's a downside to this album at all, it's that Spector was such a notorious control freak over his sound that each of these artists all sound the same - their voices, the sound of the backing band (The Wrecking Crew), the way individual instruments are mic'd, and the volume in which everything is balanced.  Everything is carbon-copied.  Because of this singularity in sound, there's no 'highs and lows' to be had on this album, no audio palette cleanse, so to speak.  

The best albums have moments of calm and moments of fury, loud and soft, fast and slow - it gives the head a chance to get its bearing and anticipate what's coming next.  What Spector has done here instead is just open up the floodgates and let his fury run rampant for two, full sides of Holiday Cheer (with the exception of his spoken 'From Our House to Yours' send-off at the end of Side 2.)  And while there isn't a weak track to be found on this album (aside from that last one on Side 2, but we don't really need to count that), the album can be exhausting if you're taking it all at once.  In other words, you could pull this album in its entirety and dump it into a Holiday playlist, along with other songs, and it would be phenomenal (that's what I've done, actually.)

So, say what you will about Phil Spector himself (because, as we all know, he F***ING MURDERED SOMEONE), the man definitely knew his way around a control board.  I don't care how controlling, manipulative, and dictator-like you are as a producer - if you can create works of art like this for people, you're clearly doing something right.  

Just perhaps don't bring firearms into the studio.  Santa Claus ain't down threatening people with violence, Phil.

VERDICT:  8/10 - Awesome (Phil Spector straight-up kills as a producer on this classic Holiday compilation. . .  juuuuust like he kills B-movie actresses.)

- REMAINS IN CIRCULATION -

- Brian

Ep. LXVII: 'A Christmas Festival of Songs & Carols' - Various Artists

Here we go again. . .

Album Title:  A Christmas Festival of Songs & Carols

Album Artist:  Various Artists

A group so white this could be a GOP photo op.

I bought a stack of shitty Christmas vinyl from the Bethesda Thrift Store, across the street from my school, during a lull on one of my Parent/Teacher Conference Days at work last week.  I grabbed the absolute crappiest-looking albums I could find, 'cause - at 59 cents apiece - it was a no-brainer for reviewing purposes.  

This particular release - courtesy of the once culturally-relevant JC Penney - with it's assembled Aryan herd of children adorning the cover, promised to be hokey as all hell.  I couldn't resist.  Yet, when dropping the needle on the Side A, Track 1, we find a Christmas medley from none other than Arthur Fiedler that and the Boston Pops Orchestra.  It's not the greatest holiday medley I've ever heard, sure enough, but it's pretty good; perhaps this album was going to be another surprise find for the Holiday Season?

Then the second track started.  And I realized this album was exactly what I thought it was going to be.

A whole lot of nonsense.

Mario Lanza, who tries his damnedest to deliver on 'O Little Town of Bethlehem,' sounds like a drunken uncle at a family get-together, trying to impress people by singing along to the radio.  Maybe he can sorta carry a tune (maybe he front his own band back in high school) but, because he's six or seven silver bullets into the afternoon, he's letting loose with a gusto that is by no means warranted.  What should be a quiet, peaceful delivery - 'cause, let's face it, that's kinda the whole 'Bethlehem' vibe - instead sounds more like, "Bro, you wan'me t'tell yoush about this fuggin place called Beffenhem?"

Following up this diddy, we have a children's chorus deliver 'The Little Drummer Boy,' in typical fashion. Not horrible, but considering the previous tracks that have appeared on this release, it's definitely out of place.  There's a time and place for children's choirs, folks, and it's on frickin children's albums.  These 60's music producers were out of their Goddamn minds putting this nonsense in a Holiday compilation album.

Gotta love the back-of-cover inspirational message. . .

The worst song on this record, by far, is delivered by Marian Anderson, who warbles with unbridled fury on 'We Wish You a Merry Christmas.'  I'm assuming this was a somewhat well-known artist back in the day ('cause, I mean, JC Penney doesn't throw just anybody on their Holiday compilations, right?) but this seriously sounds like a guy pretending to sing opera in his best 'womens' voice.  I haven't heard singing this bad since Kate Smith graced us with her presence five years ago.  It seriously sounds like someone pretending to sing, it doesn't sound real - it's that comically bad.  So bad, in fact, that I was more amused than disgusted.

The Robert Shaw Chorale's appearance on this album definitely pissed me off, because their rendition of 'The Little Drummer Boy' is mankind's greatest version, and the fact they brought in child labor for that track on the previous side is kind of infuriating.  'The Twelve Days of Christmas' - which nine times out of ten is a skip-able song on any Christmas playlist, regardless of the artist performing it - is performed by a choir of vocalists so bad that they sound like they've been rejected from a church talent show, and this is their last shot at greatness.

. . .I could honestly keep going, but I think you get the idea.

VERDICT:  3/10 - Seriously? (A valiant attempt from Arthur Fiedler can't help drag this boring - and sometimes comically-bad offering - out of the muck and mire.)

- SHELVED -

- Brian

Ep. LXI: 'Christmas with the Clancy Brothers'

Welcome back, Internet, to America's Greatest Yuletide Event:

The Great Christmas Record Odyssey.

Perhaps you thought Covid may have sidelined this favorite Holiday tradition of Yours Truly.  I'm sure my wife was hoping so, but not even the dreaded 'Rona and the full, unbridled fury of 2020 could stop this festive, holly jolly train from continuing to chug on down to Christmasville.

Now, being the first installment in this year's season of vinyl reviewin', I'll once again direct your attention to the cherished rating scale we use around these parts:

10 - . . . And Out Come the Wolves (a symbol of perfection, and arguably one of the greatest albums made in the last twenty five years)

9 - Cowabunga! (if it makes you want to shout like a Ninja Turtle, you know it's good.)

8 - Awesome

7 - Pretty Rad (generally, in order for an album of mine to stay in Holiday Season Rotation, it needs to be rated '7' and up.)

6 - Decent (once and awhile a '6' makes it into constant rotation, but only if it satisfies a previously-vacant Holiday music niche.)

5 - Meh  (Albums in the 6 - 4 range almost always get 'Shelved.'  I hold on to them - for the time being - but they lose turntable time for the duration of the Season.)

4 - Borophyll

3 - Seriously? (anything below this point is put into my annual 'Donate to Goodwill' pile)

2 - Reality TV (there's only one thing shittier than Reality TV in my opinion, and that is. . .)

1 - Ohio (the Ninth Circle of Hell)

I've got a ridiculous amount of vinyl to go through this year, and, if previous years are any indication, I probably won't get through half of it.

And now, let us do this. . . who's ready for a bizarre, inter-holiday jam session?

Album Title:  Christmas with the Clancy Brothers

Album Artist:  The Clancy Brothers

Guys, this is just like that movie The Nightmare Before Christmas.  Remember that one?  Where the Halloween guy goes to Christmas Land (or whatever the hell it's called), and brings back all that he learns about their to his Halloween people?  And Santa Claus is kidnapped and the Halloween folks try to create their own Christmas, with multiple gags and comedic mischief all over the damn place?  Remember that?

This is kinda like that, except instead of a skeleton waltzing in to Christmas World, we have four drunken Irish guys stumbling in, reeking of whiskey and beer and wearing white, woolen sweaters.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Clancy Brothers.

These guys are some of my favorites, and I listen to them year-round - it's great Irish music, but it works when you're in the mood for folk music as well.  Along with their cohorts the Chieftains and the much more mainstream Pogues, they're pretty much the greatest traditional Irish group you can find.  You can imagine my delight, therefore, when I discovered that these paddies released a f***ing Christmas album decades ago.  That nobody bothered telling me about.

I picked up this NM/NM record on Discogs

- I saw a used copy on Amazon, but as a rule of thumb one should never buy a used record on Amazon - and spent about, oh, $10 or so on it.  

So, while there's nothing necessarily wrong with this particular offering, per se, it's not likely something I'm going to listen to regularly.  There are only three recognizable Christmas carols on the entire album, so the majority are traditional Irish arrangements about the holidays, and as such most of this albums sounds like a St. Patrick's Day offering.  Tin flutes instead of sleigh bells, fiddles instead of chimes, etc.  The only thing technically making this collection a 'holiday album' is that the Clancy Bros. are singing about Christmas and Jesus instead of, say, getting wasted and rising up against British occupation.  

Also, on a side-note, because their sound - and traditional Irish music in general - was so influential on creating Hobbit music in The Lord of the Rings, when you listen to this album you can almost hear what Christmas in the Shire would have sounded like. 

Which I bet would just be f***ing awesome.

VERDICT:  6/10 - Decent (If you weren't paying attention to the lyrics, you wouldn't even know it was a Christmas album.  And, because of this and this alone - because nobody talks shit about the Clancy Brothers in this house - it loses a few points.  Maybe I'll dust it off for St. Patrick's Day, who knows.)

- SHELVED -

Ep. LVIII: 'Christmas Jollies' - The Salsoul Orchestra

 Alright, party people - but on your dancin' shoes. . .

Album Title:  Christmas Jollies

Album Artist:  The Salsoul Orchestra

So I stumbled across this one on Amazon one day while I was browsing Christmas vinyl.  It was only $12 - not too bad for a brand new record - and even came on translucent red vinyl.  I had never heard  of this release, or artists, or before, but the reviews were all really good, so I said 'what the hell, at the very worst it may make for an entertaining blog entry.'  I pulled the trigger.

Upon letting this one start off on the turntable, the first thing that comes to mind are the overly-produced 'studio disco' releases of the late '70s.  Think of the Hooked on the Classics, or Hooked on Swing series - where they combine a ridiculous amount of songs into one never-stopping medley, tied together by the same driving disco drum beat.  The beat never falters, and the melodies come in and out of the medley like an ever-changing line-up of coked-up dancers.

Meco's Star Wars and Other Galactic Funk is also in the same vein, and is a damn fine record if I do say so myself.

Anyway, back to this one.  The first side of this album is pretty straight-forward:  they took a selection of Christmas music and gave it a disco-y spin.  No surprises there.  I was a little bummed at first to find that this release wasn't an instrumental, as I had initially hoped, but the vocals aren't jarring, and they definitely aren't meant to be the focal point on any of these songs:  the main actors on this stage are the drums and bass.


Had this been an instrumental release, and they had given the entirety of the album the Hooked On... treatment, I would've rated this an 8.  Alas, there's some pretty questionable song selections on here, most notably on the B-Side, where we find a 'New Years Medley.'  Songs like 'I'm Looking Over a Four-Leaf Clover' stick out like a sore thumb on a Holiday album, and come across as corny.  In fact, you'd be just fine just stopping the record on the B-Side once you're done with the Christmas medley - just skip the second half of the album all together, as it's complete bullshit.

So, all in all, would I recommend this one?  Yeah, if you're a fan of Meco or enjoy the occasional kitsch of a quirky Holiday release in your collection.  I wouldn't pay more than $15 for it, though.

VERDICT:  7/10 - Pretty Rad (A cocaine-fueled, Meco-inspired Holiday dance party, dragged down a couple points by some God-awful song selections.)

- REMAINS IN CIRCULATION -

Ep. LVI: 'A Christmas Sound Spectacular' - John Klein

 Happy Holidays, Internet.  Time to throw another platter on the turntable and feel the Yule. . .

Album Title:  A Christmas Sound Spectacular

Album Artist:  John Klein

So I couldn't resist picking this one up from Radio Wasteland:  the Santa on the cover totally sold it for me.  I mean, look at him.  Maybe it's the sultry red decor, maybe its the beaded curtain, or perhaps it's Santa's deer-in-headlights, 'it's not what you think' look on his face.  To me, this picture screams 'Santa at the Strip Club.'

Santa's about to get his chestnuts rubbed.

I feel like this cover picture is zoomed in and cropped:  if you were to zoom out, you'd see a topless stripper off to the left, waiting to give Santa a lap dance.  Santa's kicked back in chair, all ready for his holly, jolly lap dance, when all of a sudden the viewer walks in and catches him completely by surprise.

If this isn't what you take away from this cover, there must be something seriously wrong with you.  I can't believe the art department got away from this.

Anyway, pervy cover art aside, this album is a hot mess, from start to finish.  Not so much the song selection and their arrangements, but rather the execution of them.  Have you ever heard the phrase, 'too much of a good thing?'  That's a legit phrase, guys, and one that I feel the need to emphasize here in today's post:  what we have here, folks, is a too much bells and chimes.  Like, a shitload of bells and chimes.

No surprises here.

Now, everybody likes chimes and bells in their Christmas carols.  Jingle bells, church bells, whatever.  It's part of the season, we all get it.  What we have here, from John Klein and company, is an over-abundance of bells.  Like, instead of the bells serving as a subtle accent, they're front and center stage, playing out the lead melodies themselves.  It's too much for the ear to handle.

You wanna know what this sounds like?  It sounds like when you go to a middle school band concert and they have some fat kid in the back, in the percussion section, and he gets to hit the chimes with a mallet during a song.  Since it's not used very often, he's all excited to play the hell out of them, and pounds on those frickin' chimes like a blacksmith working over an anvil.  The crashing bells then reverberate through the gymnasium's shitty acoustics and leaving a permanent ringing in parents' and grandparents' ears that last for weeks.

Christ.

That's exactly what this album sounds like.  If Klein had only dialed it back a bit with the f***ing bells on this one, I feel like this album could be a solid '5' or '6,' but instead I'm leaving this one a '3.'


Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to drive out the ringing in my head with a Goddamn bullet.

VERDICT:  3/10 - Seriously? (S-so. . . m-many. . . BELLS.)

- SHELVED -

Ep. LV: 'A Partridge Family Christmas Carol' - The Partridge Family

I can't believe I'm about to do this. . .

Album Title:  A Partridge Family Christmas Carol

Album Artist:  The Partridge Family

Many times in the course of our lives, we willingly put ourselves in harm's way in order to brave the unknown.  Something calls to us, pulls us, forcing us to ignore the risks.  Call it curiosity, foolhardiness, or simple stupidity, whatever - most of us have met with dire consequences upon muttering the phrase, "screw it, let's see what happens."  

So goes this record offering I have for you today.

I regret spending a $1 on this piece of shit.  It looked hokey, and I knew what I was getting into upon purchasing it, but I thought to myself, "Well, maybe it'll be so bad that it'll be kinda funny. . ."  God knows that's happened a time or two-dozen on this here blog of ours before.

Nope.  Not this time.

This album is so overly-produced and stripped of all things remotely human that it feels plastic.  There's nothing funny about it, it's just awful.  The Partridge Family did to credible music what Rian Johnson did to Star Wars:  they polished it to a lifeless gloss, removed all of its edge and controversy, and presented the world with a smiley-faced, pastel-colored turd that was as fake as the president's hair.

This Holiday release is in the same vein as most of their other music (though, to be honest, I've never been brave enough to listen to any of their other bullshit 'music.')  The Partridge Family is in the same studio-spawned crowd as the Monkees, and sound similar (I'd also throw in Three Dog Night, even though they weren't created by a studio, they sound about the same.)  '60s/'70s Bubblegum Rock.  So happy and safe it might as well be a manufactured by f***ing Fisher Price.

So that's who the Partridge Family is.  They're not even a real family, they're an assortment of actors who had enough boxes checked off on some random's studio exec's checklist to make the cut.  Visual appeal?  Check.  Can carry a tune?  Check.  Eating disorder?  Check.

Only two members of this 'family' even bothered showing up for this snooze-fest of a Christmas album:  Shirley Jones and David Cassidy.  A few of the random siblings/future child-star-turned-coke-heads managed to show up for a cover photo-op, but they don't get to do any singing or instrument-playing this time around.

Lucky them.

The fact that this album was even made is a crime against music.

VERDICT:  3/10 - Seriously? (A cheesy, G-rated offering from TV's shittiest musical family.)

- SHELVED -

Ep. LIV: 'A Very Cool Christmas' - Various Artists

 Thanksgiving is over.  All systems go for the official HOLIDAY SEASON. . .

Album Title:  A Very Cool Christmas

Album Artist:  Various Artists

It may be just a gimmick, but I do love myself some colored vinyl. . .

I pre-ordered this double-LP when I first came across it on Amazon about a month ago, and it came in the mail earlier this week.  This release includes two discs:  the first is presented on green, translucent vinyl, and is the 'Rockin'' disc (all the songs are rock and blues versions of Christmas standards and originals), while the second is on translucent, red vinyl, and is the 'Groovin'' disc (these are all soul, classic R & B, funk, etc.)

Most of the songs on this album are badass - it's a fun compilation of Holiday jams, and I like how it's divided up by genre in case you feel like one type of sound instead of the other.  The Darkness' opening track is probably my favorite on this release, but there are a lot of great offerings from The Kinks, Nathaniel Rateliff & the Night Sweats, Marvin Gaye, the Temptations, B.B. King, Booker T & the MGs, Otis Redding, Leon Russell, and more:

There are some weaker ones on here, though.  Tom Waits, who I'm usually a fan of, groans tiredly on "Jesus' Blood Never Failed Me Yet" with Gavin Bryars (whoever that hell that is.)  It sounds like a sound engineer pressed 'record' on the mixer, then got up and left the studio to go get some Thai take-out or whatever, leaving two old men napping behind in the mic-room.  Once and awhile these two old guys will talk or grumble in their sleep.  Feeling the yule yet?

Didn't think so.

I wanna punch these two in the f***ing face. . .

The third track on Side A of Disc 1, a song called 'Christmas Tree' by The Lovers, is probably the shittiest song on this entire album.  Unlike the rest of Disc 1, which is filled with rock and blues versions of Holiday favorites, this one sounds like some French cha-cha nonsense you'd hear in an art gallery or a really lame Euro-trash party where everyone's wearing black turtlenecks and drinking white wine.  I Wikipedia'd this band in order to uncover the origins of their shittiness, and discovered they're a premiere French band in the Neo-Burlesque music scene.  Yes, that's exactly what it sounds like.  And so it shouldn't be a surprise when the female singer whisper-coos the entire song, the chief lyric being the not-at-all-subtle "Can you show me your Christmas Tee?" It's beyond obvious by her highly suggestive, French voice that 'Christmas Tree' in this sense is a holly, jolly dick.

She wants to see your dick.  For Christmas.

The song is really jarring, both lyrically and musically (the style so out of place on a rock album), and consequently these Frogs torpedo this album by a solid two points all by themselves.  Goddamn it, France.  I'm highly considering taking a flathead screwdriver and just creating a giant scratch across this track of the record so no one has to ever hear it again.

"It's the biggest, most nicest Christmas Tree I've ever seen."  Shut up, you French whore.

VERDICT:  8/10 - Awesome (A bad-ass collection of rock, blues, soul, and classic R & B, presented on two, limited, colored LPs. . . and pulled down two points by some slutty, French cha-cha'er who wants to see your dick.)

- REMAINS IN CIRCULATION -

Ep. LIII: 'Polka Christmas in my Home Town' - Jimmy Sturr

Prepare yourselves for some holly, jolly Aryan Christmas fun. . .

Album Title:  "Polka Christmas" In My Home Town

Album Artist:  Jimmy Sturr and His Orchestra

Soooo many questions with this one.

Hey kids, wanna popsicle?

Why was the 20th Century - specifically the '60s and '70s - so lackadaisical in throwing around the term 'orchestra'?  You can't just call any random assortment of musicians an 'orchestra,' Jimmy Sturr.  Where's the string section?  Or the woodwinds?  How about a few timpani, have any of those?  No?  Well, then I don't think you have yourself an orchestra, sir.

What we have here is, at best, a 'bunch of guys playing beer tent instruments.'  Horns, some drums, a bass, and - 'cause there's no f***ing way you're escaping 'em on a frickin' polka album - accordions.  Lots and lots of accordions.  At best, it's a 'Revue.'

Anyway.

This album sounds like a family trip to Bronner's in Frankenmuth back in the '60s.  Dated Holiday arrangements - nothing out of the ordinary for this Holiday record collector - corny choruses, etc.  It's upbeat, it's festive, and it's German. . . and not in a scary, Third Reich sorta way.  No, this is fun German, if such a thing even exists.

Well, maybe not German.  I don't know what frickin' language this is. . .

All Jimmy's missing here is the Egg Nog.

I've reviewed a lot of albums over the years that give off a vibe of elderly-in-turtlenecks, drinking egg-nog and sitting around their shag-carpeted living rooms lined in wood paneling, listening to albums like this they picked up at a Sears or something, and admiring a lead-laden, tinsel-slathered Christmas tree.  This one is definitely sounds similar, for sure, but it throws in an upbeat march - with a heavy, 'oom-PHLAT, oom-PHLAT' back-beat and a poppy horn section that screams ''stop-motion, 60s Children's Holiday TV Special."

This albums is all over the damn place, but somehow. . . it isn't terrible.

Seriously.  I'm just as surprised as you are.

I don't know, maybe it's the conjured-up imagery of happy Germans swinging around beers and sausages during a Christmas feast, maybe it's fond recollections of going to Bronners as a child when it wasn't packed shoulder-to-shoulder with assholes, maybe it's just the absurdity of a polka Christmas album.  Who knows.  But this album isn't horrible.

Gotta love the cheesy letter on the back of a Holiday album. . .

Not one of my favorites, mind you, but not something I can really find fault with, either.  It's a polka album, folks, and while no one under the age of 78 can honestly say "polka is my favorite type of music," if you go into this one accepting the fact that you're going to hear some accordions and march signatures, you're gonna be fine.

Granted, I could definitely do without the German chorus chanting 'HAIL, CHRISTMAS' during their militaristic march numbers. . .

Too soon, Mr. Sturr.  Too soon.

VERDICT:  5/10 - Meh (By all rationale, this one should be a shit-show, but it somehow works just enough to keep it in the collection. . . just don't expect heavy repeated listening.)

- SHELVED -