Ep.CXLVII: 'Santa Claus is Coming to Town' - The Caroleers

Two days left, America - think we got time for one more Holiday album review for this season. . . 

Album Title:  Santa Claus is Coming to Town

Album Artist:  The Caroleers

Ah, another children's album. This one caught my eye 'cause the damn thing was still sealed in shrink when I picked it up (which happens from time to time - apparently the $2.98 hype sticker wasn't enough to sell it back in the day.)

The Caroleers have appeared on a couple different albums that I've reviewed in the past, and from what I can gather they were some kinda vocalist group that was created by a studio for the sole purpose of recording in-house records. They're usually garbage, but they seem more at home on a kids' album, for sure. This album plays out like a variety show, it's by no means a straight up collection of children's songs. There's like little skits and spoken word scattered throughout the album, which, for a normal listen, would be jarring as all hell, but we have to remember that this is a children's album and, uh. . . . I guess little kids like that sorta thing? Who knows, kids are dumb.

The song selection on this album is super weird, though. Most of these songs are not familiar ones at all - aside from 'Santa Claus is Coming to Town,' these are all originals. It's like some studio executive balked at the suggestion that they just record an album of the Big Kids' Songs ('Up on the Rooftop,' 'Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer,' etc.) and said, "F*** that, fellas - I got this. Hold my beer." Then proceeded to hire in-house songwriters to craft their own, brand new children's Christmas songs. 

You know, like a crazy person would do.

This, as you know, is a cardinal sin - probably the most egregious of sins one can make on a Christmas album, and one that I've only seen circumvented on a handful of occasions with decent, original Christmas songs. But let's put that on the back-burner for the time being and play devil's advocate for a second: maybe this album's sound is strong enough to defend it's bizarre track list?

Well, readers, this album sounds like it was produced by Hanna Barbara or something back in the day, the music is straight-up 1960s Children's TV music - not the '40s orchestral insanity of, say, the Loony Tunes or whatever, but that cashing-in-on-the-swing-of-the-60s thing. It's soooo campy that you can imagine if this thing was the soundtrack to an animated special, the characters would all have bobs and go-go dresses. Aside from cartoons, you also heard similar background music in family programming like The Brady Bunch or Partridge Family - that vanilla, safe-for-all-audiences, period-accurate backing music. The production itself isn't half-bad, this sounds like it was recorded with some semblance of a budget, so the idea that they had the opportunity to record classics that kids would easily recognize (and reside in the public domain) is mind-boggling.

I mean, there's a song on here called '10,000 Santa Clauses' on this frickin' album. Not just the one. Not two or three. Ten thousand of 'em. You can't make this shit up.

Again, these songs are kids' songs, so they're all upbeat and jovial, and the singing is far too animated and expressive for adult listening. Every syllable isn't just sung, it's acted: you see this a lot in life-action children's television, like when people sing on Sesame Street or Barney or whatever. With all the ridiculous facial expressions and over-exaggerating of body movement. Pair that with previously discussed campy, 60s music, and you have an album that plays out like a fever dream that one can only escape from with a bullet to the skull.

So fine, I get it, I'm not the target audience for an album like this, but still - I've ranked some stellar, children's Holiday albums in the past (the soundtrack to classics like Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, offerings from heavyweights like The Muppets, Disney's main characters, etc.), so it's not like I'm going to just torpedo this post's installment merely because it's not 'my cup of tea.' Give me some credit here, folks. No, this album isn't bad because it's a children's album, it's bad because it suffers from a crappy track selection and poor execution in the delivery.

'Who's That Up on the Roof,' for example, sounds like a child contemplating snatching his dad's shotgun from the garage when he hears some stranger walking around on his roof. There's a level of indignation in this singer's voice that makes one's skin crawl,  even more so 'cause it's a little-ass kid singing. Why is this kid so pissed there's a dude up on his roof? You'd think with it being Christmas Eve and everything this kid would put two-and-two together and realize it's Santa Claus before he murders him (via Stand Your Ground laws.)

This album would have been a solid '5' or even '6' if they had chosen more familiar songs, because the production isn't god-awful (The Caroleers, who I've reviewed before, seem to find their footing within the context of overly-animated, children's music.) The backing music is pretty campy, sure, but this was recorded in the 60s and, well, that's just what was popular back then. I can even excuse the spoken word bits and skits because, as we've said multiple times before, this is a children's album and they wanted to weave some storytelling in there. That's all fine and good. I guess.

What's not fine and good is the hubris of the producers who decided to forego all decency and insist on penning some of the most cringe-inducing, lyrically asinine Christmas songs I've heard all season.  We as adults have a right to protect children in this society, and this album is the sort of thing that warrants a phone call to CPS.

VERDICT:  3/10 - Seriously?  (Not the worst children's Holiday album I've heard - by a long shot - but I just can't wrap my head around the decision to include soooo many original songs on a children's album. Kids like singing along to songs they know by heart, WHY wouldn't they include some familiar hits on this album?)

- SHELVED -

- Brian