Ep. CXXI: 'In the Christmas Spirit' - Booker T. & The MG's

Okay, people. 

It's mid-November. The Holiday Pre-Season is upon us.

And you all know what that means. . . .

The Great Christmas Record Odyssey.

If you like pompous know-it-alls in their mid-40's who act as if they have some kind of authority on a super random - albeit obscure - piece of pop culture, look no further. Yours Truly has spent nearly a decade hunting down and amassing stacks upon stacks of Christmas Records. From the dusty shelves of thrift stores, to the dollar bins at record stores, to the hunting down of limited edition, color-pressings of new albums online, I have collected and deeply analyzed (and, more often than not, thrown out) over a hundred and twenty albums thus far. All of them celebrating the most glorious of time of the year. 

Seeing how it's the first installment of this year's season of vinyl scrutinization, I'll once again direct your attention to the sacred rating scale we use around these parts:

10 - . . . And Out Come the Wolves  (Perfection. Don't believe me? Name a better punk album. I'll wait.)

9 - Cowabunga!  (I'm Gen-X, guys - for people in my age group, this term encapsulates the feeling of being round-house kicked across the face by a Ninja Turtle. But in a good way.)

8 - Awesome  (Solid, without any major faults. Worthy of repeated spins during the Holidays. )

7 - Pretty Rad  (Generally, in order for an album of mine to stay in Holiday Season Rotation, it needs to be rated '7' and up.)

6 - Decent  (This is the point where it gets dicey. Once and awhile a '6' makes it into constant rotation, but only if it satisfies a previously-vacant Holiday music niche.  These albums almost always get 'Shelved':  I hold on to them - for the time being - but they lose turntable time for the duration of the Season.)

5 - Meh   (This is the dime-a-dozen wasteland, where you find your Julie Andrews and your Percy Como's. Anything below this point is almost always put into my annual 'Donate to Goodwill' pile.)

4 - Borophyll  (There may be some redeeming qualities here that might make albums at this score appeal to some people, but definitely not to Yours Truly.)

3 - Seriously?  (Comically bad, if you will.)

2 - Reality TV  (There's only one thing shittier than Reality TV, gang. . . .)

1 - Ohio  (Do I really have to explain this?)

Good.  Now that everyone's been refreshed with how shit works around here, let's just go ahead and get started, shall we. . .

Album Title:  In the Christmas Spirit

Album Artist:  Booker T. and the MG's

I managed to snatch this up on Amazon for an unheard-of-in-2024 price of $14, pressed on clear vinyl to boot. This one had been on my radar for awhile, but, like I've said before, I have serious problems paying $20 - $25 for a single-record LP. 

And I know that's the going rate now, guys, calm down. Doesn't mean I have to be cool with it. Open up another pressing plant already, this shit's getting ridiculous.

Anyway, this Holiday album is exactly what I expected it to be. If you haven't heard of Booker T. & the MG's before, that's fine - I guarantee you've heard the instrumental, '60s classic 'Green Onions.' If that doesn't ring any bells, do me a favor real quick and just Google it.  I'll give you a sec.

. . .

Sound familiar now? Okay. Take that 'sound,' and now make it do Christmas stuff. 

That's what this album sounds like.

This is solid background music for cocktails or hosting a dinner party. It's a soft, almost quiet album that fades easily into the background, yet somehow retains a presence without being forgotten or drowned out. I credit this feat with the simple fact that this Holiday offering just seeps 'coolness,' calling back memories of the great '60s soul artists that the MG's used to support in the studio back in the day. 

Much of this 'coolness' vibe comes courtesy of the Hammond B-3 Organ so often affiliated with Booker T. Jones' personal sound. 

If you have a problem with Hammond organs, you should probably steer clear of this one. Because there's a LOT of B-3 to be found here.

This album is a slow burn, guys. You're not going to get smacked in the face with a hook that just floors you, right out of the gate. You're not going to drop the needle down on this record and sit up and take notice. There aren't really any stand-alone tracks worthy of mention here, either - they all kinda sound the same, and bleed together with the same level of intensity, tempo, and volume. But, despite me bringing up 'monotony' before in previous posts as a telltale sign of a shitty Christmas album, this is definitely not the case here.

Booker T. & the MG's want to be a soft, cool presence in the background. They're a backing band, after all. If they wanted to write a Christmas classic that would get repeated airtime on the radio every Holiday season, they would've done it already. They simply chose not to.

If you had a super cool, elderly black uncle that dropped in and out of your life from time to time, and whenever he did so he'd like offer you a joint and drop some bit of soft-spoken, but profound, life knowledge on your ass, this would be it. 

Just, you know, in Christmas album form.

VERDICT:  7/10 - Pretty Rad (A slow burn, to be sure, but nevertheless it's one of the coolest, low-key records you'll spin this Holiday Season.)

- REMAINS IN CIRCULATION -

- Brian

Ep. CXV: 'And They Killed Christmas' - Various Artists

Folks, brace yourselves for what may be one of the weirdest releases of this Holiday season. . . 

Album Title:  And They Killed Christmas

Album Artist:  Various Artists

I stumbled across this album a year ago on a site called MerchBar - one of those sites that offers vinyl for dirt cheap, but it may take you, like, six months to get in the mail. I hadn't heard of this particular release before, but I figured with The Vandals on it - and for an insanely low price of $3 - it was kind of a no-brainer. Plus, it's pressed on green vinyl, which, as we all know, makes it sound better.

Anyway, this album may be the most random compilation of music I've ever listened to. I assumed that with The Vandals headlining this baby, we'd have ourselves some kinda snotty, punk-ish album on our hands. Maybe not all the acts on here would come from a punk rock background, but at the very least maybe the lyrics would be snarky or it'd be sort of rock-ish in tone. 

That's not at all what we have here.  I'm not even sure I'm qualified to try and explain this damn thing.

'My First Christmas as a Woman' is exactly what you'd come to expect from The Vandals, most of the cornerstones of punk music, dating back to the early 1980s. The lyrics are hilarious, it sounds like the Vandals doing a Christmas song, and, while it's not one of their better songs by any means, it's not downright awful. If the rest of the album was up to the caliber of this opening track, you'd have yourself a solid '7' on your hands, no doubt about it.

But that's not what we have here at all, folks.

There's a stretch of songs that follow where you get the vibe that they were going with some kind of a punk/rock version of Dr. Demento's Christmas album with this release. 'Aquaclaus' is a decent enough parody of Jethro Tull's Aqualung, replacing the lyrics of the classic original with some shit about Santa or whatever (obviously.)  'X-M@$' is surprisingly good, which is all the more bizarre considering it's from Corey Taylor, whom I believe is the front man from Slipknot (a notoriously shitty band.) Verses are meh, but the chorus sounds like Social Distortion, it's pretty badass. 'Sexy Santa' by Steel Panther is cheesy '80s cock rock - hairspray, guy-liner, and tight, leather pants - just with Christmas-y lyrics (about Santa being sexy, in case you were wondering.) It's not awesome, but for purposes of album filler it's not terrible.

Then everything grinds to a f***ing halt. 

'An Old Fashioned Christmas' by Linda Bennett is some soft pop number from the 1970's that is so sonically out of step here that it's like being doused with a bucket of cold ice water. At first it comes across as just any other Anne Murray Holiday jam (though the woman's vocals twang a bit more), until the dark theme of the song becomes evident: a dad/husband's usual bus (that he always takes home from work) runs head-on into a tree, and there are no survivors. The woman singing - the mom/wife - believes he's been killed, but puts on a brave face for two whiny-ass kids who are all concerned (on Christmas Eve, of course.) This is when the song's inclusion on this particular album becomes obvious. It's not a great song, but it's kinda funny. . . in a macabre sorta way.

The randomness and absurdity explodes on Side U (instead of Side 'A' and 'B,' they went with Side 'F' and 'U'. . . seriously.) 'Silent Nite' is a weird, Butthole's Surfer-inspired, heavy acid trip with a drunken Balrog on vocal duty. I'm not sure who the intended audience is for this song, but drugs are definitely involved. 'Santa's Gonna Kick Your Ass' is a polka number that could have appeared on a novelty Holiday album if it weren't for the Rated R lyrics. Lots of nyuck nyucks abound.

If we were going to base this album solely on concept, I can imagine giving it a '7' - I get what they were trying to do here - but the song choices fall flat a lot of the time. Musically, this thing is so frickin' random that you can't passively listen to it, and you really have to be invested in analyzing the concept (Christmas sucks) to appreciate it. There's no way Kris would ever listen to this.

I think what really sinks this album is the inclusion of songs that are so bad that the producers thought it'd be funny to add them to the track listing. Like, there's nothing comical about the lyrics, they're just bad songs. While I enjoy the 'so bad it's good' trope as much as the next guy, it's not a great idea when compiling a Holiday album. There are three or four songs on this album that were selected because they're comically bad: the previously described 'An Old Fashioned Christmas,' Burt Bacharach's 'The Bell That Couldn't Jingle,' 'Christmas Is (Make it Sweet)' by Bobby Sherman (and a bunch of tone-deaf little kids), and Steve W. Mauldin's 'O Holy Night.' 

One song like this would have been more than enough. Devoting nearly half an album to this 'joke' is overkill.

So, all in all, I think I'm gonna hold on to this one for the time being, but I don't see it getting a lot of spin time. A couple songs on here are okay, but nothing's spectacular - this is more of a comedy album than a punk album (what I thought I was getting), but it's like one of those comedy films where there's a couple scenes that are decent but the jokes seem to fall flat most of the time.

That's not a movie you're going to re-watch a ton of times, guys.

VERDICT:  6/10 - Decent (They leaned in too heavy with the 'so bad it's funny' thing and over-played their hand. I was waaaay too sober for this one. . .)

- SHELVED-

- Brian

Ep. XCVII: 'Motown Christmas 1's' - Various Artists

Well, we always end up having to endure one of these per season - might as well get it over and done with. . .

Album Title:  Motown Christmas 1's

Album Artist:  Various Artists

So I spent about $10 on this album back in, oh, July I think.  Sometime in the middle of summer at any rate.  Target had a bunch of their exclusive, colored LPs on sale so I bought several double-LPs - mostly 'Best of...'s and Holiday albums - at a mere $10 a pop.  A pretty damn good deal, if I don't say so myself.

Well, turns out I got hosed on this one, folks.  $10 was way too much.

At first glance, I go super excited about this one - I mean, what's not to love?  Legendary Motown groups, colored vinyl, ten frickin' dollars for a double-LP?  That's nearly a perfect storm of Holiday vinyl awesomeness, right? 

It should be.  But it's not.

Upon the dropping the needle down onto Side A of Disc 1 (the red one, folks), I immediately realized I could be in trouble.  The tempo of the first song (by the Four Topps) and the guy's lower-than-needed voice actually prompted me to switch the record speed over from 33 to 45.  I wish I was joking, guys, but I'm not. 

And seriously now.  French horns?  Get the f*** out of here.

Sadly, the entire album continues in more or less the same fashion:  you go into a song expecting something halfway-decent, based on the title of the Track and the name of the Artist covering it, only to be horribly disappointed in the end.  When one hears the name 'Motown' they think of the upbeat, snappy numbers from the early/mid'60's (at least I do.)  What we have most of the time here, dear readers, is the more glitzy, smoooooooth, oily 'soul' of the 70s.  This is blue jean caps, sequin jumpsuits, and cocaine addictions, not so much the beehive haircuts, short skirts, and sock-it-to-me-baby, Detroit pop that one usually associates with 'Motown.'

What in the Luther H. Vandross is this bullshit?  Get the hell out of here with that overly-sexualized, put-the-woman-in-the-bed crap.  It borders on sacrilege, honestly - such a tone does not belong on a Christmas album.  

Regardless of the vibe (if not most) of the songs on this release give off, there's just lack-luster performances all around.  I mean, seriously - three Smokey Robinson & the Miracles numbers and, while none of those ones are terrible, I guess, nothing comes even remotely close to 'I Second That Emotion' or 'Tears of a Clown.'  Five - yes, five - Temptations numbers on here and most of them are God-awful (which kills me to type out, because the Temptations are legends.)  These two groups right here - along with The Supremes (another group who can usually be counted on for knocking songs out of the park) - can count themselves now in the same company as one of my all-time favorites, Johnny Cash:

They usually make incredible music, but they have no business recording Holiday music.  Because everything I've heard thus far has been complete garbage.

You know it's bad when you have to call in the frickin' Jackson 5 - featuring a pre- child-molesting Michael Jackson - to do your heavy lifting on an album like this.  As much as I hate to admit it (because I hate Michael Jackson), the strongest song on the entirety of this double-LP release is the Jackson 5's cover of 'Santa Claus is Coming to Town.'  And that's saying something, because since he was like 7 when he recorded this song (I assume), it sounds like a children's song.

By far, the worst song on this release is Boyz II Men's 'Let It Snow.'  I didn't even know this washed-up boy band from the mid-90s was even Motown to begin with (as you can imagine, I don't listen to Motown passed '67 or '68, so who the hell cares when they stopped producing music.)  It's so overly-sung and dramatic (for no reason) that I feel like I need to be slow-dancing at a middle school dance or else wearing a white silk shirt unbuttoned halfway down my chest while feeding my wife chocolate-covered strawberries.

And I don't wanna do either of those things.  I just want to listen to a real Motown Christmas album.  Certainly not this bullshit.

VERDICT:  5/10 - Meh (Most of the songs on this release fall in the '3' to '5' range, but there's at least a few '6's on here to squeak out a halfway respectable score when averaged together.)

- SHELVED -

- Brian

Ep. LXXIII: 'You Make It Feel Like Christmas' - Gwen Stefani

Alright, alright. . . 

Album Title:  You Make It Feel Like Christmas

Album Artist:  Gwen Stefani

So I picked this one off of Amazon about two years ago, more or less because it cost about $10 at the time, and it was insanely high-rated.  Granted, I'm not what you could call a huge Gwen Stefani fan by any means;  I mean, I didn't mind No Doubt back in the mid-90s - c'mon, they were a ska band with a hot singer - but I don't listen to her music these days, and couldn't tell you one song she's performed since, oh, 1997.

My wife, on the other hand, does like Gwen - maybe not one of her all-time favorites, but definitely enough for me to pull the trigger on a brand new, $10 Christmas record.  I figured 'what the hell,' might be a nice addition to the collection (I don't own a lot of contemporary 'pop' records, it'd definitely fill that niche.)  Plus, it's pressed on limited edition White Vinyl.

Booya.

Anyway, this album is a fairly painless experience.  As stated before, Gwen isn't someone I regularly listen to:  she's a pop singer these days, and that's one of the few genres I just can't stomach.  Still, that being said, her voice and singing style hasn't changed all that much since the '90s, even if the music behind her has.  

Who the hell is the soul-less ginger in the corner?

I think this the biggest reason I'm able to stomach this album in the first place (it also doesn't hurt that, even at her age, she's still ridiculously hot):  it's easy to fool yourself into hearing the feisty, young singer fronting a hard-swinging ska band, jumping around the stage and into mosh pits.  Instead of, you know, some lady who makes pop albums and judges performing contestants on a reality TV show.  Gwen keeps things simple on this album, she doesn't attempt belting out anything too strenuous, nor does she reach for those unattainable high notes.  That was never her forte - she's a good singer, not a great singer.

That, and she's hot.

The songs themselves on this album sway back and forth between Christmas classics and some of her own originals, and in all cases the songs are produced well and the arrangements are solid:

Things are upbeat for the most part, which isn't a huge shocker because that's kinda Gwen's shtick - she's a 'fun' singer, in the vein of Cyndi Lauper.  Her versions of 'Jingle Bells' and 'Let It Snow' are upbeat numbers with a horn section, 'Santa Baby' could be a striptease number, and even with slower, quieter numbers - 'Silent Night,' 'White Christmas,' etc. - she doesn't put on a solemn, reverent face.

Her originals are okay.  She's got two off this album this get heavy radio play during the Holidays - 'My Gift is You' and 'You Make It Feel Like Christmas' which she penned with her country-singer fiance, Blake Shelton.  As far as Christmas pop goes it's tolerable, but certainly not my cup-of-tea.  This is more of a reflection of my distaste for bullshit radio fodder, however - even if Gwen Stefani wrote the greatest pop album of all time, it's still likely I wouldn't care for it all that much.

So, all in all, reviewing this album was hard, because I'm not a huge fan of the genre itself.  There's nothing wrong with this release, mind you - it's done well and I'm sure, if you're a fan of pop, you'd love it.  Gwen's delivery isn't trying to make you realize the true meaning of Christmas, or remember praise Jesus, or yank at your heart strings.  No, she wants you to have fun.  She wants you to get into the Yule of the Season.  She wants you to get laid.

And I'm okay with that.

VERDICT:  7/10 - Pretty Rad (A well-produced pop album that executes Holiday classics and original songs without issue.  Not my favorite, but she is hot.)

- REMAINS IN CIRCULATION -

- Brian

Ep. LXVIII: 'Shatner Claus: The Christmas Album' - William Shatner

 Dear God, who's ready for a weird-ass Christmas record. . .

Album Title:  Shatner Claus: The Christmas Album

Album Artist:  William Shatner

You know folks, I hate to say it, but I went out of my way to purchase this album.  I really, really did.

This popped up on Amazon while I was browsing for Holiday vinyl a few years ago, and, curious, I clicked on it.  I had initially figured this was going to be a hokey Shatner album (the guy's definitely made a few), featuring that overly-dramatic delivery in a jarring cadence that's his signature staple, and I had every intention of closing the tab on it and never clicking on the item listing again.

But then I took a gander at the track listing:

I hadn't been expecting this, and was intrigued.  So, I added it to an Amazon list and waited for the price to drop.  A year or so passed, and sadly the album never dipped below $29, which, to me, is far too much to be spending on a single-disc release unless it's some limited edition release.  Fast-forward to a month or so ago, while I was snooping for Holiday vinyl in Radio Wasteland, and I not only came across this LP for $24, but it was also a limited edition green-vinyl pressing.

Christmas was saved.

So, let's talk about the actual tracks on this here record for a bit.  This is kinda what you'd expect from a William Shatner album:  his trademark delivery is on full-blast throughout this album, and if you hate the dramatic Shatner thing (which most of us do), just close this tab and go about your day.  

Be aware, however, that some of these songs, aren't half bad - there's a couple on here that are pretty decent.  It's almost like the songs themselves were recorded in studios entirely separate from Captain Kirk, and then, once they were finished, they just wheeled him on in (he's so old I'm just going off on a limb here and assuming he's in a wheelchair now) and had him talk/sing over the existing songs.

Seriously, this whole album definitely comes across as a confused old man, shuffling to an fro among a recording studio, and every time the sound mixer guy starts playing a new song, Shatner is led up to a microphone to just babble about whatever's on his mind.  Sometimes - and, I really have to stress here, sometimes - he makes a weak attempt at singing along with this song.  Most of the time, however, he's just spurting words into a microphone, that, honestly, can be about anything.

The arrangements on here vary from pretty straight-forward, pretty awesome, Holiday anthems ('Jingle Bells,' featuring the legendary Henry Rollins of Black Flag) to completely bizarre bits of spoken-word weirdness ('Twas the Night Before Christmas.')  And a little of everything in between.

Now, I will be completely honest with you, folks:  this one is not for everyone.  Today, while reviewing this album, Kris was like, "What is this?"  She was not a fan, nor would most folk be, I assume.  But me?  I was raised on the 1989 classic Dr. Demento Presents the Greatest Christmas Novelty CD of All Time.  

For those of you unfamiliar with Dr. Demento, he's a radio personality that threw his name behind a collection of nostalgic, Holiday comedy songs from the '60s to late '80s, featuring heavyweights like Allan Sherman, Spike Jones, Cheech and Chong, Bob and Doug Mackenzie, etc.  It's a ridiculous collection of Christmas songs, and by all rationale they shouldn't be good.  'Nuttin' for Christmas,' 'Santa Claus and His Old Lady,'  - you get the idea.  But despite their low-brow cheesiness, they were hilarious to a ten-year-old kid, who considered them 'edgy' and unlike the Mannheim Steamroller bullshit that was eating up the airwaves at the time.  And now that I'm adult, those songs make it on to my playlists because I can appreciate the point of their humor, despite the cheesy delivery. 

So, does a little over-exaggerated, dramatic Shatner belting out a Christmas album in his late eighties cause me to hipsterly scoff this into the 'Shelved' pile of my Holiday vinyl?

Hell No.  Nobody puts Captain Kirk in the Corner.

VERDICT:  7/10 - Pretty Rad (A comedy classic that may someday see some of its tracks end up on a Dr. Demento-ish Christmas Novelty compilation.)

- REMAINS IN CIRCULATION -

- Brian

Ep. LIV: 'A Very Cool Christmas' - Various Artists

 Thanksgiving is over.  All systems go for the official HOLIDAY SEASON. . .

Album Title:  A Very Cool Christmas

Album Artist:  Various Artists

It may be just a gimmick, but I do love myself some colored vinyl. . .

I pre-ordered this double-LP when I first came across it on Amazon about a month ago, and it came in the mail earlier this week.  This release includes two discs:  the first is presented on green, translucent vinyl, and is the 'Rockin'' disc (all the songs are rock and blues versions of Christmas standards and originals), while the second is on translucent, red vinyl, and is the 'Groovin'' disc (these are all soul, classic R & B, funk, etc.)

Most of the songs on this album are badass - it's a fun compilation of Holiday jams, and I like how it's divided up by genre in case you feel like one type of sound instead of the other.  The Darkness' opening track is probably my favorite on this release, but there are a lot of great offerings from The Kinks, Nathaniel Rateliff & the Night Sweats, Marvin Gaye, the Temptations, B.B. King, Booker T & the MGs, Otis Redding, Leon Russell, and more:

There are some weaker ones on here, though.  Tom Waits, who I'm usually a fan of, groans tiredly on "Jesus' Blood Never Failed Me Yet" with Gavin Bryars (whoever that hell that is.)  It sounds like a sound engineer pressed 'record' on the mixer, then got up and left the studio to go get some Thai take-out or whatever, leaving two old men napping behind in the mic-room.  Once and awhile these two old guys will talk or grumble in their sleep.  Feeling the yule yet?

Didn't think so.

I wanna punch these two in the f***ing face. . .

The third track on Side A of Disc 1, a song called 'Christmas Tree' by The Lovers, is probably the shittiest song on this entire album.  Unlike the rest of Disc 1, which is filled with rock and blues versions of Holiday favorites, this one sounds like some French cha-cha nonsense you'd hear in an art gallery or a really lame Euro-trash party where everyone's wearing black turtlenecks and drinking white wine.  I Wikipedia'd this band in order to uncover the origins of their shittiness, and discovered they're a premiere French band in the Neo-Burlesque music scene.  Yes, that's exactly what it sounds like.  And so it shouldn't be a surprise when the female singer whisper-coos the entire song, the chief lyric being the not-at-all-subtle "Can you show me your Christmas Tee?" It's beyond obvious by her highly suggestive, French voice that 'Christmas Tree' in this sense is a holly, jolly dick.

She wants to see your dick.  For Christmas.

The song is really jarring, both lyrically and musically (the style so out of place on a rock album), and consequently these Frogs torpedo this album by a solid two points all by themselves.  Goddamn it, France.  I'm highly considering taking a flathead screwdriver and just creating a giant scratch across this track of the record so no one has to ever hear it again.

"It's the biggest, most nicest Christmas Tree I've ever seen."  Shut up, you French whore.

VERDICT:  8/10 - Awesome (A bad-ass collection of rock, blues, soul, and classic R & B, presented on two, limited, colored LPs. . . and pulled down two points by some slutty, French cha-cha'er who wants to see your dick.)

- REMAINS IN CIRCULATION -