Ep. CXLIV: 'Songs for the Holidays' - The London Symphony Orchestra, with Peter Hoffman and Deborah Sasson'

Happy Snow Day, America (well, at least Central Michigan - we got dumped on today). . . 

Album Title:  Songs for the Holidays

Album Artist:  The London Symphony Orchestra, with Peter Hoffman and Deborah Sasson

Another dollar album picked up at Radio Wasteland, this one didn't feature any absurd album artwork to make fun of. No promise of 'Bells and Chimes,' or a tacky, borderline-creepy 'Children's Christmas Album,' or a steaming turd offered up by the likes of Roger Whitaker, Kate Smith, or Mantovani. Nope, this one had a super boring album cover, which didn't appeal to me in the slightest - I grabbed it because I haven't listened to it and hell, that's what we're all here for.

The opening track on this album was like two firm slaps across the face, back-to-back. First came a well-mixed, orchestral version of 'Sleigh Ride,' like a really good orchestral version of this. Stunned, I grabbed the album sleeve and looked at the liner notes, and - lo and behold - we have THE London Symphony Orchestra. Yes, that orchestra - one of the best in the world. Responsible for Star Wars and a slew of other classic recordings. How the hell did they pull this orchestra for this random album?

Well, the second part of Side A Track 1 is 'Silver Bells,' and the orchestra switches to 'background music mode' to focus on the 'vocal prowess' of Tennessee Ernie Ford-in-training 'tenor' (tenor is a stretch, he's much lower than any tenor I've heard) Peter Hoffman and his side piece, 'soprano' Deborah Sasson. The lady warbles along as many sub-par sopranos do, but the dude is trying so hard to be dramatic that it's hard to listen to this without pissing yourself laughing. 

I'm dumbfounded who arranged these songs. If you have the London Symphony Orchestra on your payroll, why would you hamstring them into tearing up the joint one minute, only to have them backseat to play second fiddle (literally) to two B-listers? That's like booking the Rolling Stones for a private event and having them do song requests from a group of six-year-old special needs kids.

Could Keith Richards improvise a bad-ass guitar riff for 'Baby Shark'? Almost certainly, but who the hell wants to hear that?

The following songs get similar treatment. The orchestra swells and introduces each track, which are all divided into multi-song medleys, then the vocalists take over for the second half. There's a backing chorus here as well (and they match nicely with the orchestra), but alas they're not much help. Nothing can distract the listener from the over-the-top singing from the lead duo on this album (though their ca. 1987 matching, permed mullets on the album's back cover just about do the trick.)

As the album progresses, Pete's operatic bellowing and Deb's accompanying over-use of vibrato gets exhausting. Not every Christmas song needs to make the rafters shake, guys - that gets tedious real fast. 'O Holy Night' might as well have been written by Italian composer Rossini, (think 'Marriage of Figgaro') it's that over-the-top. Listening to this I'm convinced that this Peter Hoffman guy has a giant, oil painting of himself hanging in his living room above a fireplace. With like him shirtless and looking like Fabio, with a white tiger lying at his feet.

Eat your heart out, ladies. He's clearly a big deal.

Hallmark promises 'festive music fare to brighten your home for the holidays,' and you can tell they had the budget on this album to deliver said promise, but squandered it with focusing on these asinine, leading vocals. Had they just kept the chorus singing along with The London Symphony Orchestra, this had the promise of being a solid '6' or even a '7' (yes, the musical arrangements here are that good, sounding almost like the score from The Muppet Christmas Carol.) The backing chorus/choir/whatever sounds decent, too. Hell, even swap out Pete and Debbie for a couple A-list singers with some frickin' name recognition. God knows if you can afford hiring the L.S.O. as your backing band, you could probably make something work there.

But no. Hallmark, doubles down on two nobodies who, sure, know how to sing, but also don't know how to sing.

Also, based on the photograph of these two on the backside of the album cover, I'm 100% convinced these two are bumping uglies. I'd stake my life on it.

VERDICT:  4/10 - Borophyll (A tiring, Holiday affair that had the makings of a half-way decent, orchestral Christmas recording, but tripped and fell flat on its face right out of the gate. Nobody puts the London Symphony Orchestra in the corner.)

- SHELVED -

- Brian