Here we go again. . .
Album Title: A Christmas Festival of Songs & Carols
Album Artist: Various Artists
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| A group so white this could be a GOP photo op. |
I bought a stack of shitty Christmas vinyl from the Bethesda Thrift Store, across the street from my school, during a lull on one of my Parent/Teacher Conference Days at work last week. I grabbed the absolute crappiest-looking albums I could find, 'cause - at 59 cents apiece - it was a no-brainer for reviewing purposes.
This particular release - courtesy of the once culturally-relevant JC Penney - with it's assembled Aryan herd of children adorning the cover, promised to be hokey as all hell. I couldn't resist. Yet, when dropping the needle on the Side A, Track 1, we find a Christmas medley from none other than Arthur Fiedler that and the Boston Pops Orchestra. It's not the greatest holiday medley I've ever heard, sure enough, but it's pretty good; perhaps this album was going to be another surprise find for the Holiday Season?
Then the second track started. And I realized this album was exactly what I thought it was going to be.
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| A whole lot of nonsense. |
Mario Lanza, who tries his damnedest to deliver on 'O Little Town of Bethlehem,' sounds like a drunken uncle at a family get-together, trying to impress people by singing along to the radio. Maybe he can sorta carry a tune (maybe he front his own band back in high school) but, because he's six or seven silver bullets into the afternoon, he's letting loose with a gusto that is by no means warranted. What should be a quiet, peaceful delivery - 'cause, let's face it, that's kinda the whole 'Bethlehem' vibe - instead sounds more like, "Bro, you wan'me t'tell yoush about this fuggin place called Beffenhem?"
Following up this diddy, we have a children's chorus deliver 'The Little Drummer Boy,' in typical fashion. Not horrible, but considering the previous tracks that have appeared on this release, it's definitely out of place. There's a time and place for children's choirs, folks, and it's on frickin children's albums. These 60's music producers were out of their Goddamn minds putting this nonsense in a Holiday compilation album.
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| Gotta love the back-of-cover inspirational message. . . |
The worst song on this record, by far, is delivered by Marian Anderson, who warbles with unbridled fury on 'We Wish You a Merry Christmas.' I'm assuming this was a somewhat well-known artist back in the day ('cause, I mean, JC Penney doesn't throw just anybody on their Holiday compilations, right?) but this seriously sounds like a guy pretending to sing opera in his best 'womens' voice. I haven't heard singing this bad since Kate Smith graced us with her presence five years ago. It seriously sounds like someone pretending to sing, it doesn't sound real - it's that comically bad. So bad, in fact, that I was more amused than disgusted.
The Robert Shaw Chorale's appearance on this album definitely pissed me off, because their rendition of 'The Little Drummer Boy' is mankind's greatest version, and the fact they brought in child labor for that track on the previous side is kind of infuriating. 'The Twelve Days of Christmas' - which nine times out of ten is a skip-able song on any Christmas playlist, regardless of the artist performing it - is performed by a choir of vocalists so bad that they sound like they've been rejected from a church talent show, and this is their last shot at greatness.
. . .I could honestly keep going, but I think you get the idea.
VERDICT: 3/10 - Seriously? (A valiant attempt from Arthur Fiedler can't help drag this boring - and sometimes comically-bad offering - out of the muck and mire.)
- SHELVED -
- Brian
