Ep. LXXXV: 'Elvis' Christmas Album'

We've had a lot of weirdness lately, America.  Let's play it safe this time around.

Album Title:  Elvis' Christmas Album

Album Artist:  Elvis Presley

After a cavalcade of really, really bottom-shelf Holiday albums, I decided I needed a break.  Something that wouldn't subject me to a prolonged period of torture, something I could throw on the ol' turntable and breathe a sigh of relief. 

This was just the album for that.

Hail to the King

The King of Rock and Roll* - a term I use with a huge-ass asterisk next to it, since Elvis never wrote a single song in the entirety of his career - sure came out with a ton of Christmas music in his day.  This shouldn't' be surprising, though, since he came out with a heap of albums during his lifetime (and many, many more that came after his infamous, toilet-related death.)  This album contains quite a few of his treasured favorites, but - as is the case with other artists I've reviewed over the years on this blog of ours - it's not for everyone.

If you love Elvis, you'll love this.  If he's not your favorite, odds are you're not gonna like this one.

For me, personally, I prefer Elvis' more upbeat, rocking numbers than his crooning, slower, more introspective songs.  The young Presley/Perkins/Cash/Lewis era of early Country/Rock and Roll in the '50s, where the King was swinging his hips in a manner that scared the bejesus out of White Society.  That's my jam.  Not so much the latter, bloated, crooning Elvis that wore bedazzled leisure suits and sweated profusely.

There's a bit of both Elvises on this album, which I guess is unavoidable considering the guy's range and variety of singing styles and the demand for him to do various genres (rock, country, and gospel, namely.)  I'm fine with this duality because the music of the Holiday Season has its bangers and anthems, just as it has its more chill and low-key carols.  Fortunately, given the King's vocal prowess, he's able to handle both - it just boils down to your own personal preference which Elvis (and consequent songs on this album) you prefer.

"Blue Christmas" and "Santa Claus is Back in Town" are upbeat, swaggering numbers that sound like the rebellious youth, and these two are hands down my favorites.  His churchy numbers on display here, of which there are several, aren't necessarily bad, but they're. . . just not my favorites.  I've heard other artists do them better, but that's not to say that Elvis' versions are bad, per se.

All in all, this album is a safe bet, as it has a little of everything from a reputable legend, who has the rare ability to deliver a signature sound across a wide spectrum of song styles.  This one won't go down as one of my favorite Holiday albums, but it's certainly nothing to stick your nose up to.  Take that for what it's worth, I guess.

VERDICT:  7/10 - Pretty Rad (The King of Rock and Roll made a Christmas album, and it sounds exactly as you'd expect.  No surprises here, good or bad - it's vanilla ice cream, but ice cream nonetheless.)

- REMAINS IN CIRCULATION -

- Brian

Ep. LXVI: 'A Sparkling Christmas' - Various Artists

 Welcome back, folks.  Today's installment should be pretty painless. . .

Album Title:  A Sparkling Christmas

Album Artist:  Various Artists

So this one right here I initially came across on Amazon while browsing Holiday vinyl, but after adding it to one of my lists the price skyrocketed.  I hopped onto Discogs to see if the price was any better over there, and was fortunately able to pick up a 'champagne'-colored pressing for less than $20.  

Once again:  as gimmicky as it is, colored vinyl is pretty damn cool.

So, the track listing on this album may be one of the greatest I have ever seen on a Holiday compilation.  This is so jam-packed full of Christmas classics that you could make the argument that if you were only able to spin one album during the Holiday Season, it should be this one.  This is a Who's Who of yuletide classics, without any of what I like to call 'new classics' which usually appear on compilations like this (pieces of audio garbage like Maria Carey's 'All I Want for Christmas is You,' holiday offerings from Michael Buble and Josh Groban, everything those assholes in Pentatonix have ever recorded, etc. etc.)

I mean, just take a look at this f***ing track listing:

Yeah.  Seriously.

So, I think that the weakest track on this entire release is Johnny Cash's take on 'The Little Drummer Boy.'  As bad-ass as Johnny Cash is (he's easily in my Top Five all-time favorite artists), he sure did write some God-awful Christmas music.  But honestly, if the weakest song on your album is written by Johnny frickin' Cash, you know you have yourself a Holiday winner.   

VERDICT:  9/10 - Cowabunga! (A nearly perfect record, which loses a point from one or two less-than-stellar tracks that are still somewhat tolerable.  If I could rate this a 9.5, I would.)

- REMAINS IN CIRCULATION -

- Brian

Ep. XLV: 'Happy Holidays, Vol. 20' - Various Artists

Happy frickin' Sunday, America.

Time to cozy up next to the ol' fire and serve up another festive slice of Holiday Jammage. . .

Album Title:  Happy Holidays, Vol. 20 (True Value Hardware Stores)

Album Artist:  Various Artists

Ah, the good ol' days.  Back when you could survive comfortably on a single income, smoke anywhere you wanted to, fill up your station wagon for $3.25, and walk out of your local hardware store with your very own complimentary, Holiday LP.

(Thanks for nothing, 21st Century.)

I mean seriously:  how was that allowed to go out of style?  I get pissed off enough thinking about how f***ing awesome guys back in the '40s and '50s used to dress (suits, fedoras, maybe a walking stick to boot). . . then Kennedy had to come along and make not wearing awesome hats a thing.  But knowing that folks used to be able to go into a store and walk out with a complimentary record, as well?  That's straight-up maddening.  I was clearly born in the wrong decade.

Honestly, if I had strolled into a True Value back in the '60s or '70s, most likely looking for some kind of a replacement part to something my kids broke, and received a copy of this particular album from some pimply-ass teenage clerk, I'd probably hold on to it.  Then, after a listen or two, I'd give it to my grandparents.

Granted, you've got some great tracks on this one.  It's hard to find fault with Elvis' "Blue Christmas" (don't you ever speak ill of the King in my presence, America - consider that a warning) or Bing's "Little Drummer Boy."  There's a handful of mediocre jams as well - stuff you'd likely find on any one of the billion or so Great Songs of Christmas compilations - but, in all honesty, all that stuff begins to sound the same after a couple minutes.  Long story short, there's not nearly enough listenable music on this album to keep it in even remotely close to my turntable in the future.

Kate Smith has a ridiculously long 'medley' on Side A.  If that name doesn't ring a bell for you, consider yourself lucky - you've avoided Ear Cancer.  She holds the distinction of being one of the only recipients of a '1' -rated Holiday album in this here Record Odyssey of mine.  She's beyond rational thought in terms of horribleness - how this old lady was able to waddle into a recording studio and record multiple albums back in the day is beyond me.  It baffles the mind.

Vying for title of Shittiest Holiday Recording Artist of this year's Odyssey is none other than Roger Whitaker - who looks less like a singer and more like the elderly, clammy-handed Trump-supporter you'd likely find behind a mom-and-pop antique store in rural Indiana.  He knows how to wear a sweater vest, sure, and can probably tell you a great deal about collectible spoons and all the great Airstream rallies he's taken his Yorkie to throughout the continental United States in the last three years.  

I could go on and on with this one, but it's honestly not worth it at this point.  This album is garbage, and I don't feel like wasting any more time on it.

I need a drink.

VERDICT:  3/10 - Seriously? (It gets two bonus points for Elvis' and Bing's tracks, but otherwise everything on this album is a steaming pile of Kate Smith.)

- SHELVED -