Ep. CXXVIII: 'Jim Nabors' Christmas Album'

The Shadows of Mordor stretch out across the frozen landscape of mid Michigan, corrupting an otherwise tranquil snow-covered morning. . .

Album Title:  Christmas Album

Album Artist:  Jim Nabors

Happy Snow Day, America. 

With school called off this morning due to slick roads and a few of inches of early-season snow (for the 2020's, at least), I decided to scrutinize one of my dollar finds from the bargain bin at Radio Wasteland.

I know I've heard this Jim Nabors guy before on a compilation somewhere, and I vaguely remember thinking he was a comically bad singer, but I had no idea just how terrible this piece of shit was until I dropped the needle on this Holiday release. 

You ever see the 1977 Rankin & Bass cartoon version of The Hobbit (Tolkien's prequel to the Greatest Books of All Time)? Remember the orcs in that cartoon? And there were like songs that the orcs and goblins sang in the cartoon? Where they're hunting down Thorin Oakenshield and company, or marching off to besiege the city of Minas Tirith?

This guy sings like an orc.

In the same vein as the infamous Tennessee Ernie Ford, Jim Nabors is a hot frickin' mess of a baritone singer. Baritone singers should not sing like tenors, they just. . . shouldn't. You can most certainly write songs for deeper-voiced singers, but not all songs should be done for people this low on the audio spectrum. And that goes for like 90% of Christmas jams.

I don't care how many albums this guy sold back in the day, I don't care that he was a regular in Vegas and on shitty '60s variety shows. I don't. You know, a lot of Americans were exposed to lead and asbestos in the '40s - '60s, so there's a whole swath of the population who developed mental deficiencies severe enough to warrant purchasing this asshole's music. 

People also got swept in all of Hitler's crap back in the '30s and 40's, look where it got us.

Anyway, ol' Jim here decides to record a Holiday album. Why not, that's all the rage back in the day. He selects a handful of - surprise, surprise - religious Christmas carols, which I suppose we could consider a blessing because if I had to listen to this guy sing children's Christmas carols like 'Up on the Rooftop,' 'Santa Claus is Comin' to Town,' etc. I might just take my own life. 

From Jim's Home (the Tower of Barad'dur, most likely) to Yours. . .

The only song that sort of works with a voice this low is 'O Holy Night,' as the music works with a lower-register voice like Jimmy's here. Even 'O Come, All Ye Faithful' - which is usually a thunderous carol, about the closest thing to an 'anthem' you can get for a Holiday song - sounds ridiculous with this guy singing over it. 

He dials it up to '11' every time he gets behind the mic, and it's just straight-up jarring. There's no way people could listen to this in the comfort of their own shag-carpeted homes back in the day and enjoy this without being half-tanked. 'Jingle Bells,' a light-hearted Christmas song, must have been a forced march for the studio engineers to record - like most of the songs on this album, it's well-mixed and competently produced, but then Jim lays down the vocal track and torpedoes all their hard work. Case in point: one should never 'belt out' 'Silent Night.' That's Christmas Music 101. That's a somber song, there's no need to shout it from the rafters.

This whole album is like when someone spends hours and hours working on one of those competitive baking TV shows only to sneeze all over the damn thing while putting the finishing touches on the frosting.

VERDICT:  3/10 - Seriously? (I gave this train wreck a bonus point because the musicianship and production value is decent for the time, and had a better singer been hauled up from the pits of Mordor this would probably be a solid '5.')

- SHELVED-

- Brian

Ep. CXXIII: 'White Christmas' - John Schneider

Greetings from the far reaches of the Holiday soundscape - from its dark, mildew-y corners, I bring you this Aryan relic. . .

Album Title:  White Christmas

Album Artist:  John Schneider

This dollar-bin find from Radio Wasteland was a no-brainer for Yours Truly, gang. I mean just look at this guy: one can't help but be immediately drawn to the blonde locks and overly-friendly countenance of what very well may be the whitest man of all time. Cozily wrapped up in a festive sweater so ugly Bill Cosby wouldn't touch that shit. 

I have no idea who John Schneider is, but based on the photos of homeboy on the outer sleeve, he's either a.) a Mormon missionary, b.) a Christian singer, or c.) a German pop star.

(If we're going with 'c' on this one, the title White Christmas takes on a notable, Third Reich sorta vibe.)

There's not a lot of information to gleam from these two photographs, and not much in the text to to give this guy much of a backstory (no 'From Our House to Yours' cheesiness to read through, no message from the producer). I could probably look up who this guy is on Wikipedia or whatever, buuuut I don't feel like opening up another tab right now.

Whoever he is, the production value on this album is pretty good. Like there's a legit band here, not some random asshole playing one of those keyboards where you can hit a button and suddenly F# sounds like a maraca. The arrangements are mixed well, too - it doesn't sound like someone's cousin recorded this with home equipment in a local church on a Thursday evening (because we get LOTS of that around here, it seems) - but holy shit, are they boring.

Schneider totally sounds like, say, an animated Prince Charming. All pure and innocent, with a hint of whimsy and a dash of heroic bravado (not that Prince Charmings ride into battle at the head of great host or anything, they're usually just gallivanting through a forest in tights - not sure why they even bother strapping on a sword.)  

Listening to him sing, the guy's over-annunciation gives the impression that he's the sorta guy that doesn't know how to use contractions when speaking. No highs or lows in the vocals, no swagger or gun powder in the delivery, no over-the-top brashness like you often times get with those church-y Christmas singers. No conviction at all, really - just a guy singing words off a lyric sheet in a studio and collecting a paycheck.

This is how a guy laying down tracks for a Disney character would do it - Schneider's probably moonlighting providing vocals for the love interest on Cinderella's Christmas Album.

He's not a terrible singer, I guess, but he's far from what I'd call 'pro' level. You know when you go out to a bar and when you walk in you notice there's people singing karaoke? And eventually a bunch of drunks drag one of their reluctant friends up on stage and, after a few moments of obligatory 'modest protesting,' the friends starts singing, and he's like surprisingly good?  You're like, 'Oh damn, this dude can actually sing.'  Know what I'm talking about?

Well, that's based on the civilian scale of singing ability, folks - like when you see an actress on TV and are all like, 'She's not that hot,' but you know if you passed her on the sidewalk you'd most likely have a heart attack and shit your pants. 

. . . .

We all do it, it's cool. It's not weird.

VERDICT:  4/10 - Borophyll (Prince Charming cuts a Christmas album and can't figure out why his true love would choose to remain asleep instead of being conscious for this snooze-fest.)

- SHELVED-

- Brian

Ep. CXXII: 'A Christmas to Remember' - Various Artists

Hey there. Let's jump into this one and, well, just see what we can wrap our heads around . .

Album Title:  A Christmas to Remember

Album Artist:  Various Artists

Right off the bat, I should let you guys know that this was one of the more difficult albums I've had to review for the Holidays. I first spotted it at Radio Wasteland in the dusty-as-all-hell Dollar Bin, and right away I thought this was going to be a total crap-fest, considering:

No, that's not The Band - it's The Christmas Boogie Band. Huge difference.

1.)  I didn't recognize a single artist on the track listing on the back of the sleeve, which is rarely a good sign. I mean, how hard is it really to book a C- or D-List artist for a Holiday record? How many absolute train wrecks have we seen over the years featuring abysmal 'talent' in their track listings? These dudes are always clamoring for spots on Christmas compilations like this, that's pretty much all they had once their mainstream careers began to dry up. 

2.)  The cover art is. . . something. You have Santa Claus, flying across a wintery landscape, like he's been known to do - directly in front of the moon like he's in E.T. or some shit. Down below on the ground is a herd of wild horses, watching on in what I can only assume is awe at the passing spectacle. Horses are skittish animals, guys, so this probably freaked them right the f*** out. Seeing a dude repeatedly cracking a whip across the backs of their quadruped cousins (are horses and reindeer distantly related?) as THEY FLY ACROSS THE SKY, IN CLEAR DEFIANCE OF GOD'S WILL.

Clearly whoever whipped this together was high as a damn kite.

But I digress. Let's get back to the point of this whole entry here, folks - let's analyze what this thing actually sounds like. 

Dropping the needle on Side A, we're met with some upbeat Tijuana-ish, South-of-the-Border jazz. As you all well know by now, this is most definitely my jam. I sat up, took notice, and was like, 'Oh damn, we might have a surprise keeper on our hands here!'

Remember this one, gang? Colored vinyl pressing of Christmas Disco for $12?

Then, right on its heels, came something different - a full-blown, Salsoul Orchestra-ish rendition of 'Jingle Bells.' Jarring, sure, considering it was preceded by a completely different sound, but not horrible: both were upbeat, fun instrumentals that one could definitely be entertained by, and they were done well (mixing, arrangement, performance - no complaints.) 

The next track also had some disco elements to it, but featured a male singer delivering some straight-up yacht rock vocals over the funkiness. 2015 Brian would not have cared for this in the slightest, but 2024 Brian, folks, is all here for the Yacht Rock.

I was hoping the trend would continue as Side A progressed, but the ol' bucket of ice water was dashed in my face pretty fast when the next track kicked off. A polka number. Heavy on the organ, no accordion to be found, so that it comes across more as a carnival ride soundtrack than an actual Polish take on Christmas. Definitely cringy, but all of these songs clock in under the 2-minute mark, so I was willing to take a point off and continue on my merry way. Fortunately, the next song is a return to Yacht Rock/Disco territory, which, while not my favorite sort of yuletide genre in the slightest, was at least following a discernible trend.

Magnum P.I. and Slenderman enjoy a sleigh ride on a magical winter's night. 

The last track on Side A, while not horrible, was a country/western instrumental done all on a quartet of guitars. And though out of place here (though the 'place,' by this point in time, is starting to get hard to keep track of), it was a decent little track. No, where everything falls of the rails in major fashion is upon flipping the record over on to Side B. . .

It's a piano-led orchestral number. Slow, serene, and it doesn't sound anything like Christmas music. It's like they pressed two different mini-albums onto one frickin' record. No more upbeat, fun music. No more Tijuana jazz, no more disco, no more yacht rock. Now it's time for introspection.

I had a bad feeling that this album was themed (I've reviewed albums in the past that were released like this), with one side the 'upbeat' Christmas music - the fun carols, etc. - and the other side the 'serious' Christmas music (you know, the 'Reason for the Season' and all that crap.)  

I hate it when albums do this.

Well, they definitely weren't kidding with the 'all the different ways you feel' crap.

My fears were well-founded, as it turns out. The next couple tracks were all filled with the usual, boring church bullshit: lots of organ, lots of hand bells, chimes, harpsichords, harmonicas (courtesy of a group called The Harmonicats - seriously, I guess that's a thing that exists), and - of course - swelling string sections. It was bad enough just as mere instrumental tracks, but by the third or fourth song in, they start rolling out the usual, overly-brash male vocals - because belting out religious carols makes it hit harder, I guess - and the standard, old-lady-warbling that you generally hear at a church service you're dragged to during the Holiday Season.

This whole album sounds like some mid-level record company executive asked his sound engineers what masters were lying around the label's studio that hadn't been previously released on prior Holiday compilations. The poor sound dudes, sighing deeply and shaking their heads, came out with a dusty cardboard box filled with a 13 reels of various songs (from all kinds of frickin' genres.) They informed this douchey superior of theirs that these reels were all that was left, but they were from various sessions over the years and there wasn't any continuity to speak of.

Then the executive, in his infinite wisdom, said 'screw it' and told them to mix them all up and have the shit pressed for release.

If it were possible to rate each side separately, I'd probably rate Side A a 6.5 (not that we condone the '0.5' system around here) and Side B a 4. But, because we are a society with f***ing rules, I can't do that, and as such, will be slapping one, big rating on the entire album as a whole.  And I'm not happy about it. At all.

VERDICT:  5/10 - Meh  (Almost good, but damn - this album does to 'compilations' what Michael Bay did to Transformers. It's so random that I want to prescribe it ADHD meds and get it in to therapy.)

- SHELVED-

- Brian

Ep. CXXI: 'In the Christmas Spirit' - Booker T. & The MG's

Okay, people. 

It's mid-November. The Holiday Pre-Season is upon us.

And you all know what that means. . . .

The Great Christmas Record Odyssey.

If you like pompous know-it-alls in their mid-40's who act as if they have some kind of authority on a super random - albeit obscure - piece of pop culture, look no further. Yours Truly has spent nearly a decade hunting down and amassing stacks upon stacks of Christmas Records. From the dusty shelves of thrift stores, to the dollar bins at record stores, to the hunting down of limited edition, color-pressings of new albums online, I have collected and deeply analyzed (and, more often than not, thrown out) over a hundred and twenty albums thus far. All of them celebrating the most glorious of time of the year. 

Seeing how it's the first installment of this year's season of vinyl scrutinization, I'll once again direct your attention to the sacred rating scale we use around these parts:

10 - . . . And Out Come the Wolves  (Perfection. Don't believe me? Name a better punk album. I'll wait.)

9 - Cowabunga!  (I'm Gen-X, guys - for people in my age group, this term encapsulates the feeling of being round-house kicked across the face by a Ninja Turtle. But in a good way.)

8 - Awesome  (Solid, without any major faults. Worthy of repeated spins during the Holidays. )

7 - Pretty Rad  (Generally, in order for an album of mine to stay in Holiday Season Rotation, it needs to be rated '7' and up.)

6 - Decent  (This is the point where it gets dicey. Once and awhile a '6' makes it into constant rotation, but only if it satisfies a previously-vacant Holiday music niche.  These albums almost always get 'Shelved':  I hold on to them - for the time being - but they lose turntable time for the duration of the Season.)

5 - Meh   (This is the dime-a-dozen wasteland, where you find your Julie Andrews and your Percy Como's. Anything below this point is almost always put into my annual 'Donate to Goodwill' pile.)

4 - Borophyll  (There may be some redeeming qualities here that might make albums at this score appeal to some people, but definitely not to Yours Truly.)

3 - Seriously?  (Comically bad, if you will.)

2 - Reality TV  (There's only one thing shittier than Reality TV, gang. . . .)

1 - Ohio  (Do I really have to explain this?)

Good.  Now that everyone's been refreshed with how shit works around here, let's just go ahead and get started, shall we. . .

Album Title:  In the Christmas Spirit

Album Artist:  Booker T. and the MG's

I managed to snatch this up on Amazon for an unheard-of-in-2024 price of $14, pressed on clear vinyl to boot. This one had been on my radar for awhile, but, like I've said before, I have serious problems paying $20 - $25 for a single-record LP. 

And I know that's the going rate now, guys, calm down. Doesn't mean I have to be cool with it. Open up another pressing plant already, this shit's getting ridiculous.

Anyway, this Holiday album is exactly what I expected it to be. If you haven't heard of Booker T. & the MG's before, that's fine - I guarantee you've heard the instrumental, '60s classic 'Green Onions.' If that doesn't ring any bells, do me a favor real quick and just Google it.  I'll give you a sec.

. . .

Sound familiar now? Okay. Take that 'sound,' and now make it do Christmas stuff. 

That's what this album sounds like.

This is solid background music for cocktails or hosting a dinner party. It's a soft, almost quiet album that fades easily into the background, yet somehow retains a presence without being forgotten or drowned out. I credit this feat with the simple fact that this Holiday offering just seeps 'coolness,' calling back memories of the great '60s soul artists that the MG's used to support in the studio back in the day. 

Much of this 'coolness' vibe comes courtesy of the Hammond B-3 Organ so often affiliated with Booker T. Jones' personal sound. 

If you have a problem with Hammond organs, you should probably steer clear of this one. Because there's a LOT of B-3 to be found here.

This album is a slow burn, guys. You're not going to get smacked in the face with a hook that just floors you, right out of the gate. You're not going to drop the needle down on this record and sit up and take notice. There aren't really any stand-alone tracks worthy of mention here, either - they all kinda sound the same, and bleed together with the same level of intensity, tempo, and volume. But, despite me bringing up 'monotony' before in previous posts as a telltale sign of a shitty Christmas album, this is definitely not the case here.

Booker T. & the MG's want to be a soft, cool presence in the background. They're a backing band, after all. If they wanted to write a Christmas classic that would get repeated airtime on the radio every Holiday season, they would've done it already. They simply chose not to.

If you had a super cool, elderly black uncle that dropped in and out of your life from time to time, and whenever he did so he'd like offer you a joint and drop some bit of soft-spoken, but profound, life knowledge on your ass, this would be it. 

Just, you know, in Christmas album form.

VERDICT:  7/10 - Pretty Rad (A slow burn, to be sure, but nevertheless it's one of the coolest, low-key records you'll spin this Holiday Season.)

- REMAINS IN CIRCULATION -

- Brian

Ep. CXX: 'Christmas at Our House' - Barbara Mandrell

Alright gang, grab yourself a Holiday cocktail and settle on in for an early '80s Yuletide shit-show. . .

Album Title:  Christmas at Our House

Album Artist:  Barbara Mandrell

Guys, this is a weird, weird album.

This Barb chick was apparently was an up-and-coming country singer back in the day. I had to Wikipedia her because I've never heard of this person, who apparently was relevant (kinda) in the late '70s and early '80s. There were a few songs that hit the radio, she had a short-lived variety show back in the day, etc. 

But I consider myself somewhat of a 'music aficionado,' so the fact I haven't heard of her isn't a good sign.

What the hell - this dog looks like a f***ing Muppet. 

Anyway, this album sounds like the entire backing tracks were recorded by a company that specializes in mass-producing karaoke CDs. In fact, even with this chick singing, the entire album sounds like a karaoke album (apparently she was a country singer, but aside from a barely-discernible 'twang' in her voice there's no trace of country on this whole album.) 

While reviewing this, I feel like I'm in a small town dive bar, drinking Coors Lite, and watching a mom of some guy I went to high school with acting like she's in her 20's singing while half-buzzed. Not to that slurry point of drunkenness quite yet, but to that point where she's slightly randy and has her sites set on an unsuspecting member of the audience.

With the exception of 'Winter Wonderland' - the only real Christmas song on this whole, frickin' album - all of the songs on here were clearly written by a team of local community college music majors that were given an assignment by their professor where they had to write 'Christmas Songs.' "For this assignment, you have to use the following Christmas terms in a song featuring at least three major chords: Savior, Christmas, Star, Light, Snow, Magic, Home, Season, Peace, Love, etc."

Guys, I can't stress this enough: Christmas Albums 101 dictates you include songs on your Holiday album that folks can easily recognize and appreciate. Give the masses what they want: "Jingle Bells," "Good King Wencelas," "O Come All Ye Faithful," etc. God knows there's, like, a hundred of them. And they're ALL Public Domain. It's not like money's an issue here, folks. The fact that the studio execs actually said, "Recognizable Christmas songs? Nah, we've got a better idea - hold our beers. . . " is mind-blowing.

The sound majority of the songs here are more religious in nature, which shouldn't be all that surprising seeing how they're from a 'country singer' and everything. This totally sound like the sort of album some small town wife would listen to while their husband Carl and his cousin Todd are out in the woods, drinking shitty beer and checking their animal traps. Around the double-wide trailer they share, this album is playing on a cassette deck (because a turntable would require too much technical skill to operate), and while the wife and Todd's girlfriend are smoking cigarettes and making food in a linoleum-tiled kitchen, a bunch of dirty-faced, fat kids are watching Ernest Saves Christmas while wearing their soaking-wet snow boats indoors. There's lots of antlers on hand, along with obesity and copious usage of the N-word.

Ugh.

Hey guys, wanna see Barb strangle this poor dog to death?

It isn't until well into Side B (seriously) that Barb finally drops another familiar jam, "I'll Be Home for Christmas". . . and even this sounds like shitty karaoke. It's a short-lived moment of familiarity, because the following tracks are all unrecognizable songs that either a.) were written in-house and approved by studio big-wigs that wanted to give this Barb chick a vehicle for Yuletide stardom, or b.) Barb wrote these songs herself. And, in the case of the latter, there's clearly a reason I've never heard of this chick. These songs are terrible.

Barb can sorta sing, but in a way that screams 'shoulder-pads' and 'wine coolers.' One gets the impression that she's the girlfriend of someone with connections. Maybe she was hot back in the day, I don't know. . . but one doesn't get a shot at recording a well-produced Holiday album without having talent or doing 'favors' for the record company execs. 

My money's on the latter.

VERDICT:  3/10 - Seriously? (An obscure country artist from the early '80s records a highly-polished karaoke album filled with 'Christmas' songs that no one has ever heard before. And apparently people bought this album back in the day? Like, with real money?)

- SHELVED-

- Brian

Ep. CIX: 'Christmas Wonderland' - Bert Kaempfert

Welcome back, gang - time for another yuletide spin 'round ye ole, Holiday Turntable. . .

Album Title:  Christmas Wonderland

Album Artist:  Bert Kaempfert

I'm gonna start this off by just saying one thing, folks: this album may very well be the most frustrating album I've ever rated.

I had never heard of this Bert Kaempfert guy before. I assumed he was just another run-of-the-mill, '60s band leader, and that this 'orchestra' of his was going to play more of the same crap we've all heard 'orchestras' crank out over the years - instrumental Christmas music, inoffensive and dreamy, with a lot of emphasis on either a.) sweeping strings, or b.) obnoxiously loud brass (it's always one or the other.)

Well, there is some of that, sure, but what bothers me most about this one is how f***ing close it was to being an awesome album.

Seriously. There's a level of swing in these arrangements that make one sit up and take notice (almost 'Tijuana brass' in nature, if not in instrumentation. Just the right amount of jazz worked into the chord progressions where you're reminded of say, the Dukes of Dixieland. The way one section kicks in at certain transition in the song, or when a soloist steps up and hits chords with some balls, hints at the album this one could have been, if the producers hadn't botched the delivery.

Gotta love the cheesy Holiday messages on the back of these old LP's. . .

Pretty sure there's an ancient Norwegian troll under all this snow. . . 

You see, this album sounds like the sheet music of some really, killer Christmas arrangements were given to a local high school symphonic orchestra. There's something lacking in the execution of the songs, as if the music itself was there for the taking, but the musicians themselves couldn't quite deliver on it. The competency is there, I guess, but the talent isn't. So many times it just falls flat, as if the heart and soul required to knock these songs out of the park just wasn't up to par.

Then there's the poor instrumentation to consider. This music leans heavily into the xylophone, and it really, really shouldn't. Xylophones are fine on a Holiday album when used appropriately, for accents here and there, but sparingly. What this album does is treat these tinny, metal sounds like a lead instrument, which does nothing but sonically rape the eardrums after awhile. 

So while this album had great potential, it trips up far too often for it to be anything but mediocre background music during the Holidays. I could have rated this release a '6' for its slightly-above-board arrangements, but I'm beyond frustrated by its inability to live up to its potential.

VERDICT:  5/10 - Meh (Poor execution and shoddy musicianship ruin an otherwise decent Christmas offering from Bert Kaempfert and His High School Orchestra. Shame on you kids.)

- SHELVED-

- Brian

Ep. CI: 'Christmas with Henry Mancini/Eddy Arnold'

Welp, we got ourselves a Buy One/Get One Free sorta thing going on this evening, folks - strap yourselves in. . .

Album Title:  Christmas with Henry Mancini/Christmas with Eddy Arnold

Album Artist:  Henry Mancini/Eddy Arnold

So obviously I picked this one up because I have never - ever - come across something like this on a record before, Christmas or not.  When I first picked it up from the Dollar Bin at Radio Wasteland, I saw 'Christmas with Henry Mancini' scrawled across the top, with a picture of some goofy-looking schmuck that looks like he's really trying to get you into that secondhand Dodge Dart he swears isn't gonna be around on his lot for very much longer.  I therefore figured this would be a hokey album, and well worth a buck, so I tucked it into my other arm and continued browsing through records.

You can imagine my surprise when, when reshuffling the stack of vinyl I had accumulated in my arms up to this point, I noticed upon second glance that it wasn't Henry Mancini at all, but some much more stiff-looking guy by the name of Eddy Arnold.  The schmoozey car salesman was gone, and now here was a father figure that wants you to sit down at the kitchen table for a sec, sport, so he can ask you about the pack of Marlboro Reds and the condoms he found in the glove box of your car.

It took me longer than I care to admit before I realized that I hadn't imagined the whole 'Henry Mancini being on the cover' thing, and that this album was, in fact, double-sided.  Not a double-LP, mind you:  double-sided.  On one side, this is a Henry Mancini album, and on the other, it's an Eddy Arnold album.

I didn't know you could do that.

Anyway, I struggled with reviewing these as two separate albums - seeing how it's one artist on each side - but ultimately sided against that approach because the producers of this LP decided on releasing it as a single album.  So that's what you get, folks - we're lumping these two together.  For better or for worse.

I'll start with Henry Mancini.  Side A.

This sounds the easy-listening, hometown-y, white bread sorta nonsense that every, last one of your grandparents listened to back in the 1950s.  It sounds like something I'd find on a cassette in my step-grandparents' conversion van back in the day.  I'm not sure if this Mancini guy is the singer, or just the composer, but in either case it's beyond boring.  

I could easily fall asleep to this one:  there are few highs and lows to be found on Side A, everything just keeps the same tempo, the same mix volume, the same instrumentation, the same everything.  While nothing is really worth making fun of, per se (at least not in a comical, fun way), it's hard to find any redeeming qualities in this side at all.  This is just another easy-listening album that is so non-offensive you could get away playing it in church.

And not a liberal church, mind you - one of the ones that think gays are evil and Democrats drink baby blood.

So how about this Eddy Arnold fella, let's talk about this guy.  I had heard of Mancini before - I'm no stranger to thrift stores, and have spent my fair share of time digging in vain through piles of musty and ill-kept Goodwill records - but I had never heard of Arnold.  

Giving this second side a listen, there's not a huge difference between Arnold's side and Mancini's side - they're equally boring - but if I had to be picky I'd say Arnold's arrangements aren't quite as sleepy.  It still classifies as easy listening, but the volume is literally louder (noticeably, and I didn't adjust my receiver) and the instruments are equally more brash.  There are more horns - the 50s definitely enjoyed their brass, without the swinging fun that accompanied the brass of the '60s - and, sadly, a lot more pipe organ.  The singer has a little more confidence in himself, too, and attempts to belt out his church-friendly, non-offensive carols like his voice alone has the power to drop elderly grandmother panties.

What's more than a little disturbing is the fact that, back in the day, it probably did.  Let that one sink in for a hot minute.  Alas, even that superpower fails to impress Yours Truly - that's nowhere near enough to save this snooze-fest from the donation bin. 

VERDICT:  4/10 - Borophyll (Double Trouble in the form of Henry Mancini and Eddy Arnold, bringing Nap Time into town like it's no one's business.  Lock up your grannies, America. . .)

- SHELVED-

- Brian

Ep. XCVIII: 'Winter Wonderland' - The Brass Band

It's been a loooong time comin', folks, but I do believe we finally have ourselves a winner here with this one. . .

Album Title:  Winter Wonderland

Album Artist:  The Brass Band

Good God.  I almost didn't think we'd ever find ourselves back in the realm of 'decent' music again, as we've been trudging through the muck and mire of the usual 3 - 5 range for over a year now.  This one, for sure, came as a shocker - didn't think this would be the one to get us back on track.

I mean, I picked this up from Radio Wasteland earlier in the year with zero expectations.  Campy '60s album cover art, generic title and track listing, no back information on the band or production to speak of, the subtle mention of 'brass,' etc. I assumed this was going to be just another offering of louder-than-needed brass, playing traditional Christmas songs.  Maybe I'd write up something witty about the fact that the lady on the album cover looks like she dipped her hand in wet cement and the cheap album art people tried to pass it off as 'snow.'  You know, that old trope. 

Now, when it comes to '60s instrumental albums (such as this one), I've found that 'brass' can mean one of four things:  traditional marches, Dixieland jazz, Tijuana jazz, or polka.

This one, believe it or not, is all four combined.  

Not only that, dear readers, but most of the time these musicians are switching back and forth between styles multiples times within the same song.  Sometimes a part of song comes across like Tijuana/Herb Alpert-ish Latin brass, but then other times it ditches everything South of the Border and instead makes a beeline straight for the whorehouses of 'Nawlins for some good ol' fashioned Dixieland jazz.  Then, next thing you know, there's a marimba trill, the tempo slows, and suddenly the Latin vibe kicks right back up again.  All within the same song.

It shouldn't work - from a musical standpoint, this is suicide - but holy shit, guys.  This one has restored my faith in humanity.

So, taking a closer look at the sound of this release, this album is definitely your stereotypical, full-band, '60s instrumental, featuring accents of the usual marimbas, surf guitar, bongos, etc.  But first and foremost, of course is the big, ballsy brass band, which takes front and center stage as it ducks-and-weaves through marches, polkas, sambas, tangos, cha-cha, you name it.  

What's crazy is that this album is so good I tried to find out who exactly did the recording of this album so I could add the album to one of my Amazon 'Holiday' playlists.  Sadly, there's no information on the back of the album to speak of - just a listing of other Holiday offerings from some obscure, likely-out-of-business record company.  Wikipedia had nothing on them (Gene Riley'd once again, folks), but neither did Google: all I found was a random Youtube video playing the album with the cover art as the video image, with the caption 'Forgotten LPs.'

Not a good sign.

Sadly, there are only ten short tracks on this offering, and each of the songs is somewhat short, which means this is a fast listen.  In other bad news, I'm going to have to get another copy of this pressing off of Discogs, because there's a pop on Track 1 of Side B of my copy that lasts about five or six seconds, juuuust enough to piss me off.  And something as unique as this LP requires a silent pressing, guys - something Near Mint, for sure.  Fortunately I was able to find a suitable copy easily enough (for $2.99 plus $6 shipping, if that tells you anything), so that problem will be remedied soon.

VERDICT:  8/10 - Awesome (The long-awaited Sleeper Hit of the season, coming out of left-field armed with an unknown 'Brass Band' that doesn't care in the slightest what kind of music you wanted to listen to before, you're gonna listen to what they're gonna play now and you're gonna like it.)

- REMAINS IN CIRCULATION -

- Brian

Ep. XCVII: 'Motown Christmas 1's' - Various Artists

Well, we always end up having to endure one of these per season - might as well get it over and done with. . .

Album Title:  Motown Christmas 1's

Album Artist:  Various Artists

So I spent about $10 on this album back in, oh, July I think.  Sometime in the middle of summer at any rate.  Target had a bunch of their exclusive, colored LPs on sale so I bought several double-LPs - mostly 'Best of...'s and Holiday albums - at a mere $10 a pop.  A pretty damn good deal, if I don't say so myself.

Well, turns out I got hosed on this one, folks.  $10 was way too much.

At first glance, I go super excited about this one - I mean, what's not to love?  Legendary Motown groups, colored vinyl, ten frickin' dollars for a double-LP?  That's nearly a perfect storm of Holiday vinyl awesomeness, right? 

It should be.  But it's not.

Upon the dropping the needle down onto Side A of Disc 1 (the red one, folks), I immediately realized I could be in trouble.  The tempo of the first song (by the Four Topps) and the guy's lower-than-needed voice actually prompted me to switch the record speed over from 33 to 45.  I wish I was joking, guys, but I'm not. 

And seriously now.  French horns?  Get the f*** out of here.

Sadly, the entire album continues in more or less the same fashion:  you go into a song expecting something halfway-decent, based on the title of the Track and the name of the Artist covering it, only to be horribly disappointed in the end.  When one hears the name 'Motown' they think of the upbeat, snappy numbers from the early/mid'60's (at least I do.)  What we have most of the time here, dear readers, is the more glitzy, smoooooooth, oily 'soul' of the 70s.  This is blue jean caps, sequin jumpsuits, and cocaine addictions, not so much the beehive haircuts, short skirts, and sock-it-to-me-baby, Detroit pop that one usually associates with 'Motown.'

What in the Luther H. Vandross is this bullshit?  Get the hell out of here with that overly-sexualized, put-the-woman-in-the-bed crap.  It borders on sacrilege, honestly - such a tone does not belong on a Christmas album.  

Regardless of the vibe (if not most) of the songs on this release give off, there's just lack-luster performances all around.  I mean, seriously - three Smokey Robinson & the Miracles numbers and, while none of those ones are terrible, I guess, nothing comes even remotely close to 'I Second That Emotion' or 'Tears of a Clown.'  Five - yes, five - Temptations numbers on here and most of them are God-awful (which kills me to type out, because the Temptations are legends.)  These two groups right here - along with The Supremes (another group who can usually be counted on for knocking songs out of the park) - can count themselves now in the same company as one of my all-time favorites, Johnny Cash:

They usually make incredible music, but they have no business recording Holiday music.  Because everything I've heard thus far has been complete garbage.

You know it's bad when you have to call in the frickin' Jackson 5 - featuring a pre- child-molesting Michael Jackson - to do your heavy lifting on an album like this.  As much as I hate to admit it (because I hate Michael Jackson), the strongest song on the entirety of this double-LP release is the Jackson 5's cover of 'Santa Claus is Coming to Town.'  And that's saying something, because since he was like 7 when he recorded this song (I assume), it sounds like a children's song.

By far, the worst song on this release is Boyz II Men's 'Let It Snow.'  I didn't even know this washed-up boy band from the mid-90s was even Motown to begin with (as you can imagine, I don't listen to Motown passed '67 or '68, so who the hell cares when they stopped producing music.)  It's so overly-sung and dramatic (for no reason) that I feel like I need to be slow-dancing at a middle school dance or else wearing a white silk shirt unbuttoned halfway down my chest while feeding my wife chocolate-covered strawberries.

And I don't wanna do either of those things.  I just want to listen to a real Motown Christmas album.  Certainly not this bullshit.

VERDICT:  5/10 - Meh (Most of the songs on this release fall in the '3' to '5' range, but there's at least a few '6's on here to squeak out a halfway respectable score when averaged together.)

- SHELVED -

- Brian