Ep. CIX: 'Christmas Wonderland' - Bert Kaempfert

Welcome back, gang - time for another yuletide spin 'round ye ole, Holiday Turntable. . .

Album Title:  Christmas Wonderland

Album Artist:  Bert Kaempfert

I'm gonna start this off by just saying one thing, folks: this album may very well be the most frustrating album I've ever rated.

I had never heard of this Bert Kaempfert guy before. I assumed he was just another run-of-the-mill, '60s band leader, and that this 'orchestra' of his was going to play more of the same crap we've all heard 'orchestras' crank out over the years - instrumental Christmas music, inoffensive and dreamy, with a lot of emphasis on either a.) sweeping strings, or b.) obnoxiously loud brass (it's always one or the other.)

Well, there is some of that, sure, but what bothers me most about this one is how f***ing close it was to being an awesome album.

Seriously. There's a level of swing in these arrangements that make one sit up and take notice (almost 'Tijuana brass' in nature, if not in instrumentation. Just the right amount of jazz worked into the chord progressions where you're reminded of say, the Dukes of Dixieland. The way one section kicks in at certain transition in the song, or when a soloist steps up and hits chords with some balls, hints at the album this one could have been, if the producers hadn't botched the delivery.

Gotta love the cheesy Holiday messages on the back of these old LP's. . .

Pretty sure there's an ancient Norwegian troll under all this snow. . . 

You see, this album sounds like the sheet music of some really, killer Christmas arrangements were given to a local high school symphonic orchestra. There's something lacking in the execution of the songs, as if the music itself was there for the taking, but the musicians themselves couldn't quite deliver on it. The competency is there, I guess, but the talent isn't. So many times it just falls flat, as if the heart and soul required to knock these songs out of the park just wasn't up to par.

Then there's the poor instrumentation to consider. This music leans heavily into the xylophone, and it really, really shouldn't. Xylophones are fine on a Holiday album when used appropriately, for accents here and there, but sparingly. What this album does is treat these tinny, metal sounds like a lead instrument, which does nothing but sonically rape the eardrums after awhile. 

So while this album had great potential, it trips up far too often for it to be anything but mediocre background music during the Holidays. I could have rated this release a '6' for its slightly-above-board arrangements, but I'm beyond frustrated by its inability to live up to its potential.

VERDICT:  5/10 - Meh (Poor execution and shoddy musicianship ruin an otherwise decent Christmas offering from Bert Kaempfert and His High School Orchestra. Shame on you kids.)

- SHELVED-

- Brian

Ep. C: The 100th Episode

*cue elaborate fanfare*

We did it, folks.  100 Episodes of the greatest Holiday Vinyl review series on the World Wide Web (I assume - I doubt there's another asshole out there doing this.)

Because this is a special event (of sorts), I decided to mix things up a little bit with this installment.  It felt like too much of an honor for any shitty, old Christmas album pulled out of a dollar bin at a local record store to be scrutinized on this 100th Episode.  So, instead, I decided to re-evaluate a few of the past installments that were deemed acceptable enough to remain in my collection, but are now getting donated.

Bottom line is I'm running out of room in my Christmas Music crate - some of these mediocre LPs needed to be liquidated in order to make room for new additions later on down the road.  And, odds are, we'll be having another one of these mass-execution episodes in a few years - I can't just keep buying records and keeping them.  Kris would kill me.

So, without further adieu, here's the list of those old relics that are being taken out to pasture:

Album Title:  Remembering Christmas with the Big Bands

Album Artist:  Various Artists

Featured On:  Ep. 2 (Nov. 23, 2015)

Rating:  6

This album wasn't terrible, per se, but in the seven years since I reviewed this one I haven't put it on the turntable to listen to once.  Not once.  Jazz is one of those genres where you have to be in the right mood for it, and when that rare mood arises during the Holiday season when I feel like listening to jazz, I usually gravitate towards the likes of the Vince Guaraldi Trio, Sinatra, or Bing.  Sorry, Glenn Miller and Co., but the ship has sailed for you guys.

I'm sure there are thousands of World War II vets rolling in their graves over this decision, but whatever.

Album Title:  Your Favorite Christmas Music, Volume 4

Album Artist:  Various Artists

Featured On:  Ep. 6 (Dec. 1, 2015)

Rating:  6

Another perfect example of 'this is okay, but I have other LPs that are better.'  This compilation from the good people over at Firestone (seriously, what the f***) is fine example of contemporary '50s/60s music that was all the rage back in the day, but was over-shadowed by the counter-culture surge of Rock and Roll and 'the negro music.'  Traditional artists doing larger-than-necessary renditions of Christmas classics.  I honestly can't believe I gave this one a '6' seven years ago - had I reviewed this today it would probably be a '4' or a '5,' but back then I was new-ish at analyzing Christmas albums and was a little nicer when giving out scores.  Now that I'm a grumpy old man, I realize that this sounds like so many other boring Holiday albums I've reviewed over the years, and it has no business being in my record collection.

Sorry, (Mary Poppins.)

Album Title:  Enchantment of Christmas

Album Artist:  Various Artists

Featured On:  Ep. 10 (Dec. 8, 2015)

Rating:  7

This one is actually pretty good, and I don't have anything negative to really say about it - it's a great compilation of 50s/60s Christmas music.  Unfortunately, this version is in that VG/G+ range in terms of sound quality: no skips or pops, but some definite surface noise, and if I'm going to hold on to a record I want to make sure I have a decent copy of it.  More than that, however, is the fact that I already have every, last one of these songs on a multi-record, boxed set that's in NM condition, so owning this LP is, honestly, kinda redundant. 

Album Title:  The Little Drummer Boy

Album Artist:  The Abbey Chorale

Featured On:  Ep. 17 (Dec. 20, 2015)

Rating:  6

This one I felt bad about getting rid of at first, but then I realized the error in my ways back in 2015.  See, when I first reviewed this one, I wrongly assumed that this version of 'The Little Drummer Boy' was the definitive one - the classic one from the 1950's that everyone knows.  I can't be faulted too much for that, because it sounds nearly identical, but the version I was thinking about was the famous rendition by The Harry Simeone Chorale (1958.)  That (better) version I already own on an existing Holiday compilation, so there's no reason for me owning an album such as this if the only reason I'm doing so is because of that song.  The rest of the album is okay - like I said before, it's churchy, but done well - but I've rarely listened to it in the years since reviewing it the first time.  

I don't get the need to listen to church music very often (if ever), so this one's getting pitched as well.

Album Title:  What if Mozart Wrote Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas?

Album Artist:  The Hampton String Quartet

Featured On:  Ep. 22 (Dec. 1, 2016)

Rating:  6

I love Classical music, and I love Christmas music, so this one should be a knock out of the park, but it just doesn't work for me.  I've actually listened to this one on occasion since hearing it for the first time back in 2016, and every time I do so I get bored with it.  It's a cool enough concept in theory, but the execution doesn't leave one with feeling the Yuletide vibes at all.  Most of the songs on here require active listening in order to identify a familiar Holiday melody, and that kinda dampens this one on the ol' Fun scale.

Album Title:  A Merry Christmas to You

Album Artist:  David Rose and His Orchestra

Featured On:  Ep. 71 (Dec. 8, 2020)

Rating:  6

This is a pretty solid instrumental album, and sounds like the orchestral, backing music to any one of the countless '50s compilations I've reviewed in the past.  It sounds like the sort of music Sinatra or Bing sang over, and it's mixed well - great background music for the Holiday season.  That being said, this copy is in pretty rough shape, and I have other instrumental albums that I gravitate more towards during the Holiday season.  Like I stated originally, there aren't a lot of highs and lows on this album to keep the listener engaged:  the medleys keep things from getting too boring, but a lot of it starts to sound the same after awhile.  All in all, I'd recommend it for sure if a.) you have a decent copy and b.) don't have anything else similar in your collection.

Album Title:  Christmas with The Canadian Brass and the Great Organ of St. Patrick's Cathedral

Album Artist:  The Canadian Brass

Featured On:  Ep. 90 (Dec. 15, 2021)

Rating:  6

How this LP still works is beyond me - it's not bad at all, but it's not necessarily great either.  It's just okay.  Like all of the other albums in today's post, there's not a lot to complain about, but there are better options in my collection, and I have to trim fat from somewhere.  I held on to this one because of the sheer balls of the brass section - it's not a sound you hear often on a Christmas album, so last year I deemed it was worth holding on to.  I would probably still be holding on to it if I hadn't just had my socks blown off a few days ago when reviewing this similar-but-better, brass-heavy Christmas album.

VERDICT:  n/a (We bid farewell to a few mediocre installments from the previous seven or eight years that were once deemed good enough to remain in Holiday Rotation, but shall now walk The Green Mile in order to make room for new additions in the coming years.)

- SHELVED -

- Brian

Ep. LXXI: 'A Merry Christmas to You' - David Rose and His Orchestra

 Time to cozy up to the fire and put on another slab of Holiday vinyl, America. . .

Album Title:  A Merry Christmas to You

Album Artist:  David Rose and His Orchestra

Again, straight out of the Bethesda stack we've been working through over the course of these last few posts, comes this offering from 'David Rose' and 'His Orchestra.'  This one here didn't really stand out to me in the store, one way or the other:  the artwork is 'meh,' not awesome and not overly-hokey or anything like that, I was honestly pretty underwhelmed by the selection.

But I mean, come on. . . 59 cents.

If anything, the fact that is said it was David Rose was pretty funny.  I don't know if you guys watch Schitt'$ Creek or not, but David Rose (played by Eugene Levy's son) is a pretty hilarious character.  If that dude came out with a Christmas album I'd probably buy it (though, him being gay and everything, it'd probably be a lot of cabaret-ish, glittery nonsense. . . like Elton John or Liberace.)

Anyway, this album totally blindsided me.  This is a true orchestral record, not just saying '. . . and His Orchestra' like so many other albums do, and then featuring like a trombone, an accordion, a trumpet, a bass, and a piano.  Nope, this is the full set-up, folks:  string section, wind section, brass section, percussion section, you name it.  I don't get many true orchestral albums pass through this Record Odyssey of mine, so when they do it's like a bolt of silver lightning on a clear day.

This album is good.

Gonna have to go out on a limb here and say this is bullshit.

The arrangements rely heavily on the medley method, which is preferable when it comes to religious carols:  abridged carols and traditional songs get their chief melodies highlighted, then blended together seamlessly, as if the arrangers wanted to include every highlight of the season onto one Holiday LP.  This was a smart move, because being instrumental this release doesn't need to get bogged down into lyric-focused religious carols with their many, many verses.

Have you ever sung a Christmas carol at church?  There's like six frickin' verses to every song, they go on forever.)

If I had any criticisms, folks, it would be this:  this orchestra doesn't hit the highs and lows of, say, Tchaikovsky's Nutcracker (one of the few other orchestral albums we've reviewed here over the years.)  There's no dynamic forte sections here to speak of, as David Rose instead relies on dreamy, laid-back arrangements you might expect to find in a Christmas-themed Fantasia (if Disney ever produced a Christmas-themed Fantasia film back in the '50s.)  So if the majority of your arrangements are middle-of-the-road - never hitting those highs and lows that you'd find in a traditional symphony, for example - it's probably awesome for, say, television (where you need consistent background music), but not necessarily for focused listening.

Yep.  Another 'From Our Family to Yours' message.  Jesus. . .

I'd have to dock a couple points for that reason alone, folks.  Is this a good album?  Absolutely.  Would it benefit from maybe upping the ante in parts?  For sure.  I've had several albums I've reviewed over the years that stumble into this trap - the entire album sounds the same, so that eventually it just bleeds away into the background.  If you want to engage the listener, mix it up a little.  The great songs on here are great, no question about it, but there's a heck of a lot of filler, as well as some songs that, while there's nothing necessarily wrong with them, per se, aren't easily recognizable.  Rose is forced at some points to blend Holiday carols together with unique bits of melody in order to make them work, which is commendable, but since they're not recognizable you kinda don't get the Christmas-y vibe from 100% of this album.

So, as such, I'm going to have to officially state that this is a good record, that misses the opportunity to be great, which is regrettable.  However, due to it's uncommon sound (orchestral medley arrangements), I think I'll keep it in rotation this year, and re-evaluate its position next season.

VERDICT:  6/10 - Decent (A good orchestral Christmas album, that gets docked a few points for being too repetitive and bland in parts. Also, being from the '50s and everything, it's practically falling apart - kinda thinking I need to reorder this one on Discogs.)

- REMAINS IN CIRCULATION -

- Brian

Ep. XLVII: 'Great Songs for All Seasons' - Arthur Fiedler & The Boston Pops

 Hi again, music lovers.

We can't get ourselves any frickin' snow it seems, but we can sure as hell nab ourselves some audio nerdery. . .

Album Title:  An Evening with Arthur Fiedler & The Boston Pops:  Great Songs for ALL SEASONS

Album Artist:  Arthur Fiedler & The Boston Pops

They went out of their way to convince you, right out of the gate, that this album could be played year-round.  Check out the All Caps work in the title.  I definitely overlooked this fact when purchasing it at Radio Wasteland last month (for $2, mind you), and assumed, since it was in their Christmas section, it was a Holiday album.

And it sort of is.

Upon placing this on my turntable, however, I soon realized why this was advertised as music for ALL SEASONS:  the entirety of Side A is NOT Christmas music.

What.  The.  Hell.

Instead, we have your usual pickings of '70s Easy Listening fan favorites.  "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head," "What the World Needs Now is Love," etc. - Arthur Fiedler, like EVERYONE ELSE in the '70s, apparently can't get enough of Burt f***ing Bacharach.

Those two songs alone appear on probably 90% of every thrift store album one comes across, which leads me to believe that Mr. Bacharach was commonly believed back then to be the second coming of Christ.

His songs creep into every nook and cranny of mainstream music, forcing their way onto compilation LPs and demanding to be heard, like some drunk guy who shows up at a party uninvited.


I don't care for Burt Bacharach, and his presence here is not a welcome one.

So Side A, long story short, is a wash.  It sucks.  If you're a fan of listening to instrumental versions of 'classic' '70s Easy Listening, then you'll probably dig it, but that's not a genre I'm a fan of.

Side B, however, is Christmas music, and is done in Fiedler's typical 'pops' orchestral arrangements (listen to any orchestral offering that ends with '. . .Goes Pop' and you'll know what I'm talking about.)  It's not bad, but it sounds like department store background music.  Imagine you're walking through a J.C. Penney (remember those?) back in the '80s, during December, and you're picking out tacky gold jewelry for your mom.  This is the music that is playing over the sound system.  His take on Tchaikovsky is nice, as is his arrangements of other Holiday classical scores, but I have better versions on other LPs, and, ultimately, it's nowhere near enough to save this half-ass attempted offering from damnation.

I'm pissed I spent $2 on this.  While not horrible, per se - Fiedler is a talented artist in the 'Goes Pop' field, and if both sides were comprised of legit Christmas music we might be looking at a higher score, maybe a '6' or so  - I feel cheated that this is only half a Christmas album, and that an entire side of this LP is dedicated to Bacharach-ish shittiness.  

VERDICT:  3/10 - Seriously? (Burt Bacarach and Co's boring sleaze drags this album down considerably, and not even Fiedler's not-bad take on Christmas Classical music is enough to save it from being shelved. . . if not donated.)

- SHELVED -