Ep. L: ' A Very Merry Christmas: Western and Country Style' - The McCoy Family

 Alright, time for another session of Holiday snobbery. . .

Album Title:  A Very Merry Christmas: Western and Country Style

Album Artist:  The McCoy Family

You know, at first, I couldn't really put my finger on what was rubbing me the wrong way about this album.  I snatched it up at a thrift store about a month ago, saw 'Country Western' and 'Christmas' across the front, and thought, "well shit, that's a no-brainer right there."

Not so fast, November Brian.

Yours Truly seriously needs to start reading the fine print when it comes to some of these Holiday albums - like a jackass, I just kinda snatched it up after reading the cover and checking the LP's surface (for glossiness, scratches, scuffs, etc.)  Shame on me, then, because this album is a lie.

This isn't a Country/Western collection at all:  these are mainstream studio musicians, singing with forced 'country' accents, adding a couple different musical instruments that sound 'honky tonky' into their usual arrangements, and trying to pass it off as the Real Deal.

(The first indicator that this was a blatant imposter would have been the phrase 'Western and Country' - everybody knows it's called Country and Western, or, more commonly, Country/Western.'

This is a pre-meditated farce, pandering to those who like that style of music.  And I'm offended.

I mean, c'mon - how hard would it have been for the producers of this collection to go out and hire some authentic country musicians?  Hell, if they didn't want to roll out the big bucks for the Johnny Cashes, Loretta Lynns, and George Joneses of the world, they could've at least stacked this album with a bunch of fourth-tier acts (like we previously saw with this lil' gem, if you'll be so good to remember.)  And if that didn't work, they could've scouted out a random small town act at a state fair or barn dance.

But no.

No, these producers didn't want to mess around with any of that.  Some higher-ups were probably sitting around a boardroom, strategizing about how to make a quick buck off of a Holiday album release on the cheap, and one of them said something along the lines of, "why don't we just use our in-house guys and cut the record for nothing?"

"Our boys aren't a country act, Jim.  They recorded 'Hang On Sloopy,' that ain't 'country.'"

"Well Jesus, Steve, just buy a couple a' banjoes and have 'em sing with Dixie accents or something.  I mean, if all them slack-jawed idiots down South can do it, how hard could it be?"

"You gotta point there, Jim.  I like the cut of your jib."

. . . and so on and so forth.

So, in conclusion, this album is a lie, and, while not horrible in any sense, it's overly-polished arrangements, plastic sensibility, and lack of authenticity drives it down into the realm of nearly unforgivable.

Shame on you, Steve and Jim.  Shame on you both.

VERDICT:  4/10 - Borophyll (This is what happens when the corporate world thinks it can music.)

- SHELVED -

Ep. XLIX: 'A Jolly Christmas' - Frank Sinatra

Happy Holidays, America.  We're gonna delve into a classic today. . .

Album Title:  A Jolly Christmas

Album Artist:  Frank Sinatra

What the hell can you say about Frank Sinatra?  He's probably the coolest man that has ever existed, and I guarantee your grandmother has fantasized about him.

Perhaps that's a bit too much for the Christmas season, but. . . yeah, she probably has.

Sinatra is a legend in his own right, and every male singer for decades had to perform in his shadow.  His extensive catalog of Christmas songs - such as the ones collected on this repressing - are so ingrained in popular culture that even without ever owning this album before, I knew all of the songs on here.  All of them.  That's impressive.

This is jazzy enough to play at a party, yet subtle enough that you could listen to it while relaxing next to a fire.  There's a mix of religious carols and festive favorites, and if there's any fault to be found here is that there's not more songs, like you have on the expanded double-LP (which can be found here.)

(Yes, I'm buying that next.)

When every song you record on an album is a bonafide classic, it's hard to find fault with anything.  Sinatra's arrangements, vocal range, and knack for song selection is uncanny.  I couldn't possibly give the man anything less than a '9,' because he's Frank frickin' Sinatra.  If you don't like Frank Sinatra, I don't think I can be cool with you.

He does get docked a solitary point for the sole reason that this album isn't fit for all occasions (most, but not all.)  In his defense, though, very few albums are.

VERDICT:  9/10 - Cowabunga! (This album needs to be a mandatory addition to everyone's Holiday music collection.  Like, enforce this shit by law or something.)

- SHELVED -

Ep. XLVIII: 'I Love Christmas' - Various Artists

Seasons Greetings, y'all.  Let's get some jams goin' here. . .

Album Title:  I Love Christmas

Album Artist:  Various Artists

Okay, you know what, I'm just gonna go ahead and say it:  this music is so f***ing cartoon-y it ought to have some kind of label across the front cover that says "Recorded in Glorious Technicolor."

God help me.

I don't think very many 'artists' on this album had waded into the waters of puberty at the date of recording (they're probably all in their 50s now.)  This is a Lord of the Flies Christmas - children's choirs, children soloists, and only a handful of post-pubescent singers (Skeeter Davis, Roy Rogers, Florence Henderson, Spike Jones doing that Dr. Demento's Christmas favorite, 'All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth,' etc.) bother making an appearance.

This really isn't the sort of record one puts on while trying to seduce a sweater-wearing, egg nog-sipping, young lady in front of some crackling yule logs.  This is the sort of record you intentionally put on to calm down a preggosaurus rex while she's in the deep throws of a 'get this f***ing thing out of me already' meltdown.  'Cause won't having kids someday be nice?? Or maybe when you're trying to calm down a roost-full of candy cane-fueled toddlers tearing around your living room.

Either way.

So is offering downright terrible?  No, no it's not.  This is a children's album, so you know what you're getting, more or less.  Not a lot of surprises, here.  The adult singers are delivering in the most monotone, calm voices they can muster ('cause, you never know, it could be nap time), and the children's choirs are singing with as much cherubic charm they can muster.  If you want Children's Christmas music, you might be okay with this.

Florence Henderson and Roy Rogers are kinda creepy, but. . . whatever.  I guess they're not nearly as creepy as the sinister-looking little girl on the album cover, employing a vice grip on a dead koala.

I love Christmas.

VERDICT:  5/10 - Meh (It's a children's Christmas album.  While not necessarily horrible, I have far better ones in my collection.)

- SHELVED -

Ep. XLVII: 'Great Songs for All Seasons' - Arthur Fiedler & The Boston Pops

 Hi again, music lovers.

We can't get ourselves any frickin' snow it seems, but we can sure as hell nab ourselves some audio nerdery. . .

Album Title:  An Evening with Arthur Fiedler & The Boston Pops:  Great Songs for ALL SEASONS

Album Artist:  Arthur Fiedler & The Boston Pops

They went out of their way to convince you, right out of the gate, that this album could be played year-round.  Check out the All Caps work in the title.  I definitely overlooked this fact when purchasing it at Radio Wasteland last month (for $2, mind you), and assumed, since it was in their Christmas section, it was a Holiday album.

And it sort of is.

Upon placing this on my turntable, however, I soon realized why this was advertised as music for ALL SEASONS:  the entirety of Side A is NOT Christmas music.

What.  The.  Hell.

Instead, we have your usual pickings of '70s Easy Listening fan favorites.  "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head," "What the World Needs Now is Love," etc. - Arthur Fiedler, like EVERYONE ELSE in the '70s, apparently can't get enough of Burt f***ing Bacharach.

Those two songs alone appear on probably 90% of every thrift store album one comes across, which leads me to believe that Mr. Bacharach was commonly believed back then to be the second coming of Christ.

His songs creep into every nook and cranny of mainstream music, forcing their way onto compilation LPs and demanding to be heard, like some drunk guy who shows up at a party uninvited.


I don't care for Burt Bacharach, and his presence here is not a welcome one.

So Side A, long story short, is a wash.  It sucks.  If you're a fan of listening to instrumental versions of 'classic' '70s Easy Listening, then you'll probably dig it, but that's not a genre I'm a fan of.

Side B, however, is Christmas music, and is done in Fiedler's typical 'pops' orchestral arrangements (listen to any orchestral offering that ends with '. . .Goes Pop' and you'll know what I'm talking about.)  It's not bad, but it sounds like department store background music.  Imagine you're walking through a J.C. Penney (remember those?) back in the '80s, during December, and you're picking out tacky gold jewelry for your mom.  This is the music that is playing over the sound system.  His take on Tchaikovsky is nice, as is his arrangements of other Holiday classical scores, but I have better versions on other LPs, and, ultimately, it's nowhere near enough to save this half-ass attempted offering from damnation.

I'm pissed I spent $2 on this.  While not horrible, per se - Fiedler is a talented artist in the 'Goes Pop' field, and if both sides were comprised of legit Christmas music we might be looking at a higher score, maybe a '6' or so  - I feel cheated that this is only half a Christmas album, and that an entire side of this LP is dedicated to Bacharach-ish shittiness.  

VERDICT:  3/10 - Seriously? (Burt Bacarach and Co's boring sleaze drags this album down considerably, and not even Fiedler's not-bad take on Christmas Classical music is enough to save it from being shelved. . . if not donated.)

- SHELVED -

Ep. XLVI: ' A Twisted Christmas - Twisted Sister

What's up, America.

We got ourselves another album to scrutinize this evening. . .

Album Title:  A Twisted Christmas

Album Artist:  Twisted Sister

So my Christmas record collection, unbeknownst to me up until this point, was severely lacking in the harder rock niche of the genre.  I've got plenty of classic crooner stuff in my Holiday Record Collectoin, and lots of children's music and movie soundtracks, classical pieces, gospel/religious music, jazz albums, country Christmas stuff, etc. Alas, nothing 'harder.'  Not that that's necessarily my fault, mind you:   honestly, there are very few Christmasy rock albums out there, aside, of course, from the early rock and roll classics - Holiday songs by Chuck Berry, the Beach Boys, Elvis, even the Sonics.

Within the last ten years, however, several rock bands have come forward with their own collection of Holiday offerings:  bands like Weezer, Cheap Trick, Bad Religion, and this, Twisted Sister.

Now, in all fairness, I've never considered myself a fan of these guys.  They had that one song in the '80s, which, if I found it on the radio on a commute to work, I wouldn't change the station, but I wouldn't necessarily go out of my way to listen to it.  I certainly don't own any Twisted Sister albums on vinyl.

Well, now I do.

I had this in my iTunes library for a couple years before ultimately pulling the trigger and buying it off Discogs last month.  This was a Record Store Day exclusive a few years back, and was released on festive green vinyl, and for $20, I said 'what the hell.'

This album delivers exactly what it promises:  it's an '80s 'metal' band playing Christmas music, and it sounds just as one would imagine.  They knock it out of the park with a few gems on this album, notably "O Come All Ye Faithful," "Silver Bells," "Deck the Halls," and "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus," and even the weaker songs on the album (like the opener on Side A) aren't all-together terrible.

Honestly, I went out of my way to purchase this on vinyl because I find myself listening to it regularly (not all the way through, but about two-thirds of this album has made it into several of my Holiday playlists.  These songs are a hell of a lot of fun, and if you fancy yourself a rock aficionado who doesn't mind a little cheese with their metal, you'd be downright stupid if you passed this one up.

As a life-long fan of rock music in general, and as someone who forgoes all his usual musical tendencies in favor of Christmas music during the Holiday season, I tend to start craving something 'harder' as we roll into December.  I suffer from rock and roll, punk and metal withdrawals, I guess you could say.  And since I'm a firm believer in the idea that one should only listen to Holiday music during the Holidays, this album right here helps take the edge off my cravings.

I really wish more bands out there would record Christmas albums (pay attention, Rancid.)

VERDICT:  8/10 - Awesome (A ridiculously fun album to keep in Holiday Rotation, and one that fills the need for more 'rock' in one's Holiday listening.  It loses a couple points for a few 'meh' tracks, as well as the fact that, honestly, it is Twisted Sister.)

- REMAINS IN ROTATION -

Ep. XLV: 'Happy Holidays, Vol. 20' - Various Artists

Happy frickin' Sunday, America.

Time to cozy up next to the ol' fire and serve up another festive slice of Holiday Jammage. . .

Album Title:  Happy Holidays, Vol. 20 (True Value Hardware Stores)

Album Artist:  Various Artists

Ah, the good ol' days.  Back when you could survive comfortably on a single income, smoke anywhere you wanted to, fill up your station wagon for $3.25, and walk out of your local hardware store with your very own complimentary, Holiday LP.

(Thanks for nothing, 21st Century.)

I mean seriously:  how was that allowed to go out of style?  I get pissed off enough thinking about how f***ing awesome guys back in the '40s and '50s used to dress (suits, fedoras, maybe a walking stick to boot). . . then Kennedy had to come along and make not wearing awesome hats a thing.  But knowing that folks used to be able to go into a store and walk out with a complimentary record, as well?  That's straight-up maddening.  I was clearly born in the wrong decade.

Honestly, if I had strolled into a True Value back in the '60s or '70s, most likely looking for some kind of a replacement part to something my kids broke, and received a copy of this particular album from some pimply-ass teenage clerk, I'd probably hold on to it.  Then, after a listen or two, I'd give it to my grandparents.

Granted, you've got some great tracks on this one.  It's hard to find fault with Elvis' "Blue Christmas" (don't you ever speak ill of the King in my presence, America - consider that a warning) or Bing's "Little Drummer Boy."  There's a handful of mediocre jams as well - stuff you'd likely find on any one of the billion or so Great Songs of Christmas compilations - but, in all honesty, all that stuff begins to sound the same after a couple minutes.  Long story short, there's not nearly enough listenable music on this album to keep it in even remotely close to my turntable in the future.

Kate Smith has a ridiculously long 'medley' on Side A.  If that name doesn't ring a bell for you, consider yourself lucky - you've avoided Ear Cancer.  She holds the distinction of being one of the only recipients of a '1' -rated Holiday album in this here Record Odyssey of mine.  She's beyond rational thought in terms of horribleness - how this old lady was able to waddle into a recording studio and record multiple albums back in the day is beyond me.  It baffles the mind.

Vying for title of Shittiest Holiday Recording Artist of this year's Odyssey is none other than Roger Whitaker - who looks less like a singer and more like the elderly, clammy-handed Trump-supporter you'd likely find behind a mom-and-pop antique store in rural Indiana.  He knows how to wear a sweater vest, sure, and can probably tell you a great deal about collectible spoons and all the great Airstream rallies he's taken his Yorkie to throughout the continental United States in the last three years.  

I could go on and on with this one, but it's honestly not worth it at this point.  This album is garbage, and I don't feel like wasting any more time on it.

I need a drink.

VERDICT:  3/10 - Seriously? (It gets two bonus points for Elvis' and Bing's tracks, but otherwise everything on this album is a steaming pile of Kate Smith.)

- SHELVED -

Ep. XLIV: 'Twas the Night Before Christmas' - The Caroleers

 Welcome back to the Odyssey, America.  Our Yuletide jam session continues. . .

Album Title:  'Twas the Night Before Christmas

Album Artist:  The Caroleers

 

The name 'Caroleers' invokes imagery of some serious Holiday swashbuckling, doesn't it?  Some upbeat, swinging carol-slinging.  Perhaps some sword play or damsel-saving to boot.  Sadly, these motherf***ers right here are about as far from all of that Holiday fun as humanly possible.  

Remember the Caroleers?  They graced our presence before, folks, and the results were not good to say the least.

Honestly, the Caroleers don't deserve a band name at all.  Band names are for people who can create music.  This doesn't sound like these people created anything - it sounds like as if they walked into a large hall, approached some already set-up microphones, and started singing.  I mean, I'm sure some of these guys have previous choir experience, I guess, but the way they sing together sounds like a bunch of random people singing into a set of microphones.

And, dear readers, if you just sound like a bunch of random people singing into a set of microphones, than you are a choir, and you get named after the church in which you sing (Saint Michael's Lutheran Choir, the First United Methodist Choir, etc.)  Sorry, Caroleers - you're not nearly as cool as you think you are.

"Check out Santa's ass!"

That being said, this album is a total snooze-fest.  The arrangements are beyond boring.  It's like listening to glue dry.   I picked this album up because the cover art made it sound like it'd be some hokey children's album (I overlooked the name 'Caroleers' when I bought it, or else I probably wouldn't have picked it up at all.)  The only reference to the cover art to be found is the Side A Track 1 title track, which is lifted from the famous poem of the same name - ridiculously abridged into a thirty-second or so 'song' clip.  It stands out considerably from the rest of the album's overall church-y vibe, but is equally just as terrible.

This is an audible wasteland of dusty church organs, bells, grandma's living room keyboard, and a track listing that sounds like it was taken from the Early Bird church service (you know, the one no one goes to because it's boring and filled with elderly people who are about to die.)  I mean, how do you make 'We Wish You a Merry Christmas' sound like a boring-ass church service?  That's a Holiday anthem, for Christ's sake - what the hell, Caroleers?

VERDICT:  2/10 - Reality TV (This album needs to be completely erased from existence.  I might make it my life's work to hunt down and destroy every, last copy of this album.  You know, to save Christmas.)

- SHELVED -

Ep. XLIII: 'Boots and Stockings' - Boots Randolph

How's it going, music lovers?  Ready for some more jam nerdery?

(Of course you are.)

Album Title:  Boots and Stockings

Album Artist:  Boots Randolph

So.  You guys like the song, 'Yakety Sax'?  Remember that old British variety show - I think it was a variety show, at least - the Benny Hill Show?  Remember?  People running in and out of various doors, falling over stuff, crowds of people running around and a certain saxophonist losing his damn mind on the track?

Not sure what I'm talking about?  Go check it out here on Youtube.

I'll wait. . .

. . .

. . you check it out yet?  Yeah?  Pretty good, right?

That's what the entirety of Side A sounds like, except in Christmas-form. 

And it's awesome.  I really, really like this.  In fact, had both sides of this album sounded like this, this could be - and I shit you not - the quintessential Holiday party soundtrack (well, if your Holiday party's a kegger, that is.)  But, alas, Side B slows down considerably, and that 'Yakkety Sax' sound that we've all come to love over the years disappears.  Instead, we get a more introspective saxophone sound, and while it's not horrible by any means, it's kind of a letdown considering what we had on Side A.

It almost sounds like this album was recorded all in one evening at the studio, and the engineers purposely stacked all the up-tempo, 'fun' songs on this album up front because they were more demanding for Boots to play.  They wanted their star saxophone player to have enough energy to belt out his trademark hornmanship (I don't know what that's called, sorry) on those tracks before he lost all his energy and started playing like a homeless guy doped up on Nyquil.  

They couldn't give Boots a frickin' coffee break at some point in the recording session?

In closing, if you ever come across this in a record store, or a thrift shop, I would definitely recommend picking it up.  It's a lot of fun.

I'd just constantly play Side A over and over again, though. 

VERDICT:  7/10 - Pretty Rad (If this had been 'Side A' on both sides, we'd be looking at a solid '8,' maybe even a '9.')

- REMAINS IN CIRCULATION -

Ep. XLII: 'Light of the Stable' - Emmylou Harris

Happy Tuesday, Nation.

I think we've finally got a break in the weirdness this time around. . .

Album Title:  Light of the Stable:  The Christmas Album

Album Artist:  Emmylou Harris

This Holiday offering by Emmylou Harris is good.  If you're unfamiliar with her work, you'd probably recognize her Southern-tinged airy voice from the 2001 best-selling, knockout Oh Brother, Where Art Thou? soundtrack.  She's been around for decades, though, and is a pretty respected bluegrass artist, having performed with mainstream artists from the White Stripes to Robert Plant.  

I love bluegrass music (which shouldn't surprise any of you at all) because it feels genuine, and truth in music is so rare anymore that when you do stumble upon it, it's worth holding on to.  The genre, like its contemporary, the Blues, is rooted in American history (the former could be considered the folk music of White America, while the latter is that of Black America.)  While it's not something I listen to all the time - you really do have to be in the right mood for it, and I'll get more into that later - I'll always have a place in my heart for bluegrass music.

"Hey, Ms. Harris, what would you like to wear in the photo shoot for your new Christmas album cover?"  "A crocheted tablecloth, please.  And nothing else."

I think she took this picture in Farwell, Michigan. . .

That being said, Emmylou has a signature singing and musical style within the genre:  her own take on bluegrass music is more mellow, and slower in tempo, than a lot of her male contemporaries in the genre.  A lot of bluegrass makes you think of stompin' your feet on the wooden boards of your mama's Old Kentucky Home front porch, while you strum a banjo and throw back some of grand pappy's old moonshine, White Lightning, or the like.  Perhaps afterwards you'll couple with your cousin and then chase some black folks out of town before swimmin' naked down in the ol' crick. 

Emmylou's music doesn't conjure up the same imagery (thank God, it is Christmas, after all.)  Instead, we have quiet reflective mornings in the country - someone chopping wood, or milking a cow, or bottling up jam in a country cottage - not a lot of hoe-downs and hootenannies to be found on this album.  Appropriately, her track selection reflects this.  Nearly every song on this album is a religious carol, which suits her singing style perfectly.  The only exception is the old country favorite 'Christmas Time's a-Coming,' probably the most upbeat song on this album, but it feels more like a church-sponsored barn dance than a hootenanny.

There are no stinkers on this album - every, last song delivers.  It'd be a solid '8' or '9' if it wasn't pigeon-holed into such a specific genre (similar albums, like Tchaikovsky's Nutcracker Suite or the Statler Brothers' country-gospel album, have suffered the same fate.)  I'm deducting one point simply because it's a bluegrass album, one because it's 'chill' (nothing wrong with that, of course, but you have to be in the right mood for it), and one because, well, it's not Charlie Brown's Christmas or The Muppets.

VERDICT:  7/10 - Pretty Rad (A great Holiday album, and one that's going to make future appearances on my turntable throughout the Holiday season.  Only when I'm in a chill mood, though.)

- REMAINS IN CIRCULATION -

Ep. XLI: 'Sing Merry Chritmas' - Tijuana Voices (with Brass)

Hola, Jam Lovers.

For this installment, we're headed South of the Border.  Vamanos.

Album Title:  Sing Merry Christmas

Album Artist:  Tijuana Voices with Brass

This is, quite possibly, the most racist album in my Holiday record collection.  I mean, granted, this was another time - the swingin' Sixties - when dressing up like other ethnicities wasn't only acceptable, but widely-appreciated.  Now, I enjoy a good racist joke as much as the next guy; I don't discriminate when it comes to races, either - I make fun of any and all races, because I believe in equality.  Even I, with my warped sense of humor, can recognize this wouldn't have long to live on a store shelf if released in 2018.  Just look at this album artwork:

This is the Mexican equivalent to these folks slathering on Blackface.  No bueno, Tijuana Voices.

That being said, this album is pretty good for what it is.  I was really disappointed when the album kicked off, Track 1 of Side A, and it sounded more like a marching band instead of the usual Tijuana swing.  "What the hell is this?" I grumbled, as car sound effects and crowd noises accompanied the out-of-place marching band.  Was I about to be bamboozled by these mustachioed, wanna-be Mexicano imposters?

Then - thank Big Baby Jesus - the band kicked in, and balance was restored to the Tijuana Universe (Universa de Tijuana.)  A big brass section?  Check.  Maracas?  Check.  Dated '60s keyboards?  Check.  Nothing out of the ordinary, here - this sounds like just about every other Tijuana album I've listened to.  That distinctive swing of '60s Latin music made popular by Senor Herb Alpert, and blasted from living room Hi-Fi's throughout the senior citizen stratosphere for decades.

While possibly forgettable, it's far from some of the gut-wrenching horribleness of previous entries.  And for that, it gets a big 'gracias,' from Yours Truly.  In fact, the only qualm I have with this one - besides the blatantly racist album cover - is the Tijuana Singers themselves.  They don't even have the decency of hiring authentic Tijuanan Mexicanos to sing these songs.  They get the WHITEST people on Earth - probably from Minnesota - dress them up in traditional Mexican costumes, and have them sing Christmas songs along to Tijuanan jazz.  It doesn't blend well at all.  

In fact, it sounds EXACTLY like the album cover looks.  Which, to me, is insane.

A bit hokey for regular listening, so this one's going back into the bin, sadly.  The instrumental numbers are pretty good, next time they need to issue Work Visas for the real thing.

VERDICT:  6/10 - Decent (This is a pretty good Tijuana Christmas album, but the Whitest Singers on Earth drop it down a solid point or two, unfortunately.)

- SHELVED -

Ep. XL: 'The Spirit of Christmas' - Various Artists

Okay, gang.  Time for another installment of Yuletide audio appreciation, this time in 'Newly Improved, Full Dimensional Stereo.'

(I smell trouble. . .)


Album Title:  The Spirit of Christmas

Album Artist:  Various Artists

 

I probably don't need to waste my breath with this one, do I.  Look at the frickin' roster, here: Al Martino, The Lettermen, The Roger Wagner Chorale, etc.  It's a Who's Who of Shitty Christmas Singers.  Apparently Tennessee Ernie Ford, Johnny Mathis, Kate Smith, Mitch Miller, and Roger Whitaker had previous engagements.  If not, this is the Christmas album they were born to be on.

Someone left a Christmas Tree knocked over in the snow.  Always a good sign.

That being said, this album is pretty much a pure crap-show, from start to finish.  The artist choices for this compilation offering from Capitol Records - who, I believe, had quite the stable of talent back in the day - is lackluster, with the exception of Bing Crosby, who was probably dead by the time they recorded this anyway, and they posthumously added his track at the last minute just to pad the track listing.  

(Bing would be ashamed of his involvement on this train wreck.)

Not only are the artists ones from the bottom of the Capitol talent barrel, but their song choices are questionable as well.  Yes, there's some recognizable songs on here, but there's a lot of lesser-known carols that hang on the fringes of cultural norms.  While perhaps not generally a huge deal, I suppose, it should go without saying that you should probably pick more mainstream songs if your roster pool is so abysmal.  I mean, come on - "Gesu Bambino?" "Silent Night," sang in German?  Give me a frickin' break.

I'm really trying to rack my brain with regards to what could possibly be the worst song on this album, and it's difficult to say.  Peggy Lee's bizarre, children's/anti-PETA/Put's-the-Lotion-on-its-Skin song, "Don't Forget to Feed the Reindeer" is up there.  Maybe The Letterman's opener, "The Christmas Waltz," which is so boring I contemplated grading papers while listening to it.  In fact, the only saving grace on these albums are those two tracks by the Hollyridge Strings, one per side, where's there's no singing at all.  And these aren't necessarily awesome, they're just not terrible.

So yeah.  Avoid this like you would a leper.  Or Ohio.

VERDICT:  2/10 - Reality TV (You can thank the Hollyridge Strings for the pity point, Spirit of Christmas.  This one's going right back to Salvation Army, where it came from.)

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Ep. XXXIX: 'Country Christmas' - Loretta Lynn, Various Artists

 Hi fellas.

Who's ready for more Holiday jammitude?  Let's see what we got on the ol' docket today. . .

Album Title:  Country Christmas with Loretta Lynn and Friends

Album Artist:  Loretta Lynn, Various Artists

I'm not going to lie to you folks:  I love me some old school Honky Tonk.  Don't ask me how or why, I certainly didn't grow up around that stuff - I was raised on Classic Rock and Jim Henson.  Nevertheless, I'd place old Country/Western music (50s - 70s) among my favorite genres.  Johnny Cash is one of my top-five favorite artists, and there's a score of other old country singers that I absolutely love:  Hank Williams, Roger Miller, Waylon Jennings, and even this lil' gal right here, Loretta Lynn.  

Some super shitty, '70s-era Photoshop skills on display here.  Could they really not afford to photograph Loretta standing in front of this window?

I bought this album at the Salvation Army during the same visit I bought the two previously-reviewed turds, along with about seven other Holiday records I hope to review in the coming weeks.  I read 'Loretta Lynn. . .' on the cover and said, "Hell, I know exactly what I'm getting here."  I mean, she's one of those artists who always delivers to meet your expectations.  She's like a female, country version of Chuck Berry:  you only need to say her name and you know exactly what a song by her would sound like.

And for the most part, on this album, that rationale is pretty accurate.  

Side A of this album is all Loretta, with the B Side being split up between various old country singers (more on them later.)  Right out of the gate, Loretta kicks off into her usual sassy-voiced Honky Tonk girl swagger, and the tune works.  I'm pretty sure it's an original, and it's a solid Christmas jam.  If the entire A Side of this album followed this opening track's lead, this would be a pretty decent little Christmas album.

But it doesn't.

"Away in a Manger" comes up next, and Loretta is no longer the hands-on-her-hips, "nobody takes my man" singer we all know and love.  Instead, she sings the whole song in this creepy, sloppy whisper, where she tries and vibratos but it instead comes out as a drunken warble.  Over the years I've heard Loretta, in many of her songs, putting her foot down with a drunken fool of a husband, or the like.  Here, though, it turns out Loretta is the drunk, and she sings like she's trying to sneak in through her kitchen at 3am without waking the rest of her family up.

The lack of 'quality control,' if you will, is pretty jarring.

From Our Home to Yours.  Par for the course.

Side B is a fourth-tier offering of "hey remember that one song?" -artists from the late 60s/early 70s -era of Country Music.  That one guy that had that one song that was all the rage for a couple months back in '72?  Yeah, he has a song on Side B.  So's the guy that opened for him when they toured State Fairs that summer.  I could make more jokes along these lines, but I think you get the point.

As far as good ol' Country Christmas-type albums go, this isn't bad.  But there's a hell of a lot better ones out there, and my turntable is a pretty exclusive club these days.

VERDICT:  6/10 - Decent (All in all, it's not a horrible album, per se, but it had potential to be a hell of a lot better.)

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Ep. XXXVIII: 'The Sounds of Christmas' - Fred Waring

 Time for another installment of pre-Holiday Season weirdness, America.

Get your Jam Pants on. . .

Album Title:  The Sounds of Christmas

Album Artist:  Fred Waring and the Pennsylvanians

I'm going to start this off by saying that this is a really, really bizarre album.

Now, you wouldn't really think it by merely looking at the album cover (though anyone who comes up with 'The Pennsylvanians' for an ensemble name is probably a bit weird.)  If anything, one would think that, upon looking at the album artwork, this would be yet another 'down home Country Christmas' offering, focusing on vocal-heavy, organ-and-bell numbers the likes we've seen, oh, thirty or forty f***ing times already in this Great Christmas Odyssey of ours.

I sure as hell did.

Well, you'd be wrong, folks.  This album does indeed focus on the vocals - the Pennsylvanians are more or less a church choir, and they do their churchy choir thing as could be expected.  Barely any musical instruments to be found here; you're more or less sitting in a church pew for this one, listening to your fellow parishioners belt out Holiday carols.  Not terrible, for what it is.  If that's your thing, you'd probably love this offering.

(Me?  Not so much.)

What's really weird about this album is the random sound effects.  When I read 'The Sounds of Christmas,' I assumed - like most folks probably would - that this referred to the various carols the choir was singing.  Well, what it refers to is church bells, train whistles, the sounds of crowds and cars, etc. - basically anything the guys who mixed this down could get their hands on.  I feel like some asshole with a reel-to-reel recorder was walking around the outside of the church, trying to get inside to record the choir, and accidentally had the recorder running as he was frantically trying to find the entrance.

Not very professional, Fred Waring.

Sound effects aside, no song on this album is very long.  They get about a minute into a song before they fade out and fade back in to the choir singing another Holiday carol.  Sometimes it fades out back to church bell sound effects, other times it fades in to a children's choir, or organ music that doesn't have anything to do with what the choir was previously singing.  I'm pretty sure the guy who mixed this album down was high as a kite.

Then, inexplicably, there's an ol' timey slave spiritual in the middle of Side A.  I shit you not.  Like, think Roots.  It makes NO SENSE, and as I was playing this in the comfort of my Study, I literally glanced over my shoulder to make sure there weren't any African Americans standing in my backyard that might take offense to me playing this.  The slave spiritual eventually transitions into a southern revivalist banger, as if a group of African American church-goers from the Deep South burst open the previous church's doors and hijacked the recording process for a song or two, then left without saying anything.

After a song or two of borderline racist-randomness, it goes right back to the boring, run-of-the-mill church choir warbling.  With no previous indication that the slave spirituals and Black Church testifyin' ever happened.  Did the elderly church choir even notice?

This album gives me anxiety.

VERDICT:  3/10 - Seriously? (Random sound effects and slave spirituals do not equate to Holiday music, Fred Waring.  This album scores a pity point for being sooo random that I plan on keeping it among my Christmas collection just so I can play it for people once and awhile as proof of its existence.)

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Ep. XXXVII: 'Christmas: The Season of Music' - Various Artists

 Welcome back, America, to the Hough Family's Greatest Holiday Tradition.

The Great Christmas Record Odyssey.

If you're new to these parts (I doubt you are, but bear with me), allow me to briefly explain myself.

Every Holiday Season, Yours Truly pulls out of his storage his ever-expanding vinyl collection of Holiday Music.  I make it a point to listen to every, last Christmas record I own, and I take the time while doing so to analyze each offering on my own, personalized 1-to-10 Scale:

10 - . . . And Out Come the Wolves (a symbol of perfection, and arguably one of the greatest albums made in the last twenty five years)
9 - Cowabunga! (if it makes you want to shout like a Ninja Turtle, you know it's good.)
8 - Awesome
7 - Pretty Rad (generally, in order for an album of mine to stay in Holiday Season Rotation, it needs to be rated '7' and up.)
6 - Decent (once and awhile a '6' makes it into constant rotation, but only if it satisfies a previously-vacant Holiday music niche.)
5 - Meh  (Albums in the 6 - 4 range almost always get 'Shelved.'  I hold on to them - for the time being - but they lose turntable time for the duration of the Season.)
4 - Borophyll
3 - Seriously? (anything below this point is put into my annual 'Donate to Goodwill' pile)
2 - Reality TV (there's only one thing shittier than Reality TV in my opinion, and that is. . .)
1 - Ohio (the Ninth Circle of Hell)

Do I border on obsessive with this Holiday past time of mine?  You bet your ass I do, but this is my blog so you're just going to have to deal with it for the next two months or so.  This year I've got a crap-load of stuff to analyze.  Last year I didn't do very much, in comparison to the previous two years, so we're going to have to make up for lost time, here.

So throw on your Santa hats, fetch yourself a holiday cocktail, and let us do this.

Album Title:  Christmas: The Season of Music

Album Artist:  Various Artists

This first lil' gem we have here was acquired at a Salvation Army a week or so ago.  I got one look at the cheesy album artwork on this offering and thought to myself, "This is bound to be a pure shit show."  For a buck, I couldn't possibly pass up such a promising experience.

Upon placing it on the turntable, however, I became disappointed:  this album is much better than I expected.  That may sound like a ridiculous thing to bitch about, but I'm going to do so anyway.  In the past, in this Great Christmas Record Odyssey of mine, I've been pleasantly surprised before with thrift store Holiday finds.  Some albums that I think or going to be complete garbage end up being a 7 or 8 on my patent-pending Rating Scale.  These are true gems, and ones that will eventually be repurchased on Discogs or the like in order to get a nicer copy.

Then we have glistening turds like this one.

This album is far from terrible, but it's not necessarily great either.  I'd say it's probably a solid 5, at first listen.  Meh.  It sounds like every other 60s' crooner offering you've ever heard of.  A song by Elle Fitzgerald?  Yup.  The Lettermen?  Yup as well.  Tennessee Ernie Ford?  Yes, that son of a bitch is on here, too. . . more or less because he's literally on every Holiday music record ever made.

I guess what pisses me off so much about this record is the fact that I purchased it with the sole hope of being comically bad.  Like, to the point where I'd be laughing hysterically, drinking a beer, and shaking my head at its pure awfulness.  Christ knows I've done this countless times before while reviewing Christmas music.  Alas, it wasn't to be this time:  this album isn't bad, it's just 'meh.'  

Vanilla.  White bread.  Bland.

I mean, come on - look at these creepy-ass dolls.  How can an album with this artwork on the cover be not-horrifying?  A bunch of what appears to be traditionally-clothed German (maybe Swiss or Belgian, I don't know) children, dancing around in some kind of a seance circle with what seems to be an older child dressed up like Santa Claus?  This demands some kind of Level 1 or Level 2 shittiness.

Bring on the obligatory cheesy From-Our-House-to-Yours message. . .

The closest thing to 'comically bad' we have on this offering is a tune from - I shit you not - The Korean Orphan's Choir.  Holy crap.  Yes, they have thick accents.  No, I'm not going to make fun of that - that's like shooting fish in a barrel.  My jokes are a little wittier than that, give me some credit here, folks.

So yeah.  F*** you very much, The Season of Music.  You're really starting the year off right.

VERDICT:  4/10 - Borophyll (This would've been a '5' - as it's just bland and generic Christmas crooning - but it loses a point for pissing me off by being just 'boring' and not comically bad.)

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