Ep. CXIX: 'Christmas Greetings from Nashville' - Various Artists

Get ready for some rootin' tootin' Holiday scootin', gang -  we're about to have ourselves a weird, lil' hootenanny up in this place. . .

Album Title:  Christmas Greetings from Nashville

Album Artist:  Various Artists

Okay, so I'll own this one - I didn't bother taking a close look at which artists were on this particular compilation when I picked it up out of the dollar bin at Radio Wasteland. I just read 'Nashville' and got excited: while I'm not a fan of modern country music (or, 'Hick Hop,' as I like to call the bullshit that is Bro Country), but I'm a bg fan of old '50s-'70s honky tonk. The Cash, Twitty, Jennings, Lynn, Jones, and Wynette stuff.

Sadly, none of those ladies and gentlemen appear on this Holiday compilation. If the aforementioned country stars of yesteryear are the varsity players, than what we have here is the JV team. The Benchwarmers. While there's a couple of decent musicians to be found here (I see you there in the back, Floyd Cramer), there aren't a ton, and there's not a lot of talent to get excited over.

First of all, I should point out that whomever pressed this album did one of the worst jobs I've ever heard. To say there's surface noise here is an understatement, but if that alone were the only issue with the noise I could somewhat excuse it. The whole recording sounds like someone triple-dubbed a cassette tape (you know, they made a copy of a copy of a cassette that was originally recorded from a CD.) It's so muddled you can barely differentiate instruments sometimes. To make matters worse (because it does get worse, gang), the master volume is so loud that even with my receiver's pre-amp turned all the way down the distortion light stays solid. 

Ideally said light would be occasionally blinking, like when an audio level clips into the red - picture the level just solid RRREEEEEEDDDDD for the entirety of TWO SIDES OF AN ALBUM and that's what we're dealing with here.

Ah yes. . . the 'From Our House to Yours' inspirational write-up. Classic.

Now on to that actual music.

Again, all the songs on this album are done by Country Music's B-Team, and they're not terrible. These are all artists who found mediocre success in their genre back in the day. They all sing fine, as far as ole timey country singers go, though a few of them I've never heard of them. . . so they might be studio 'filler' groups that have contracts to take up space on compilations like this. Sometimes when studios couldn't fork out the money for big names, they'd fill gaps with groups they got on the cheap in order to round out a playlist. I think that might be the case on this one.

The arrangements are good, and nearly all the song selections on this album are safe bets - Christmas favorites that everyone knows by heart, which is what you want on any Holiday album. What's frustrating is one can see the potential this album had if only a.) the production team could've, I don't know, maybe spent a little more time and effort into the mastering process on this release so it didn't sound like complete shit, and b.) maybe paid for the top-tier talent instead of relying on the country radio station's 'filler' squad.

"Christmas Time's a-Coming" is a perfect example of a song that, while not bad, has been done so much better by others. I've heard this exact same version done in the same bluegrass style, equal parts Appalachian barbecue and gospel barn-burner, and done far better by Emmylou Harris. 

No country album would be complete without "Blue Christmas," a melancholy staple that's a must-have on any Holiday playlist. Elvis, Cash, and so many other artists have knocked this one out of the park, but The Browns - whoever the hell they are, I've never heard of 'em - phone this one in. It's bland, there's no heart and/or soul in it, and the whole thing sounds forced. Yet another missed opportunity.

Floyd Cramer's rendition of "Jingle Bell Rock" might be the best song on this album, a rollicking instrumental featuring his typical, upbeat piano bashing. Unfortunately, it's sandwiched between two stink-fests: Dottie West's so-bland-it's-forgettable "You Are My Christmas, Carol" (get it? Christmas, Carol instead of Christmas Carol?) and Hank Snow's "Little Stranger (In a Manger)," which sounds like someone's drunken uncle slurring over a church nativity setup on his late-night stumble back from the bar.

All in all, this is another classic example of missed opportunity. Replacing these artists with ones that were a click or six up from what you have here, and getting someone besides a bunch of cigarette-smoking chimps to master the pressing of this album, would have delivered an album that could very well have made it into regular, Holiday rotation.

Alas, this JV squad is being benched.

VERDICT:  5/10 - Meh (A lackluster Holiday compilation from Nashville's mediocre Junior Varsity squad.)

- SHELVED-

- Brian

Ep. L: ' A Very Merry Christmas: Western and Country Style' - The McCoy Family

 Alright, time for another session of Holiday snobbery. . .

Album Title:  A Very Merry Christmas: Western and Country Style

Album Artist:  The McCoy Family

You know, at first, I couldn't really put my finger on what was rubbing me the wrong way about this album.  I snatched it up at a thrift store about a month ago, saw 'Country Western' and 'Christmas' across the front, and thought, "well shit, that's a no-brainer right there."

Not so fast, November Brian.

Yours Truly seriously needs to start reading the fine print when it comes to some of these Holiday albums - like a jackass, I just kinda snatched it up after reading the cover and checking the LP's surface (for glossiness, scratches, scuffs, etc.)  Shame on me, then, because this album is a lie.

This isn't a Country/Western collection at all:  these are mainstream studio musicians, singing with forced 'country' accents, adding a couple different musical instruments that sound 'honky tonky' into their usual arrangements, and trying to pass it off as the Real Deal.

(The first indicator that this was a blatant imposter would have been the phrase 'Western and Country' - everybody knows it's called Country and Western, or, more commonly, Country/Western.'

This is a pre-meditated farce, pandering to those who like that style of music.  And I'm offended.

I mean, c'mon - how hard would it have been for the producers of this collection to go out and hire some authentic country musicians?  Hell, if they didn't want to roll out the big bucks for the Johnny Cashes, Loretta Lynns, and George Joneses of the world, they could've at least stacked this album with a bunch of fourth-tier acts (like we previously saw with this lil' gem, if you'll be so good to remember.)  And if that didn't work, they could've scouted out a random small town act at a state fair or barn dance.

But no.

No, these producers didn't want to mess around with any of that.  Some higher-ups were probably sitting around a boardroom, strategizing about how to make a quick buck off of a Holiday album release on the cheap, and one of them said something along the lines of, "why don't we just use our in-house guys and cut the record for nothing?"

"Our boys aren't a country act, Jim.  They recorded 'Hang On Sloopy,' that ain't 'country.'"

"Well Jesus, Steve, just buy a couple a' banjoes and have 'em sing with Dixie accents or something.  I mean, if all them slack-jawed idiots down South can do it, how hard could it be?"

"You gotta point there, Jim.  I like the cut of your jib."

. . . and so on and so forth.

So, in conclusion, this album is a lie, and, while not horrible in any sense, it's overly-polished arrangements, plastic sensibility, and lack of authenticity drives it down into the realm of nearly unforgivable.

Shame on you, Steve and Jim.  Shame on you both.

VERDICT:  4/10 - Borophyll (This is what happens when the corporate world thinks it can music.)

- SHELVED -

Ep. XXXIX: 'Country Christmas' - Loretta Lynn, Various Artists

 Hi fellas.

Who's ready for more Holiday jammitude?  Let's see what we got on the ol' docket today. . .

Album Title:  Country Christmas with Loretta Lynn and Friends

Album Artist:  Loretta Lynn, Various Artists

I'm not going to lie to you folks:  I love me some old school Honky Tonk.  Don't ask me how or why, I certainly didn't grow up around that stuff - I was raised on Classic Rock and Jim Henson.  Nevertheless, I'd place old Country/Western music (50s - 70s) among my favorite genres.  Johnny Cash is one of my top-five favorite artists, and there's a score of other old country singers that I absolutely love:  Hank Williams, Roger Miller, Waylon Jennings, and even this lil' gal right here, Loretta Lynn.  

Some super shitty, '70s-era Photoshop skills on display here.  Could they really not afford to photograph Loretta standing in front of this window?

I bought this album at the Salvation Army during the same visit I bought the two previously-reviewed turds, along with about seven other Holiday records I hope to review in the coming weeks.  I read 'Loretta Lynn. . .' on the cover and said, "Hell, I know exactly what I'm getting here."  I mean, she's one of those artists who always delivers to meet your expectations.  She's like a female, country version of Chuck Berry:  you only need to say her name and you know exactly what a song by her would sound like.

And for the most part, on this album, that rationale is pretty accurate.  

Side A of this album is all Loretta, with the B Side being split up between various old country singers (more on them later.)  Right out of the gate, Loretta kicks off into her usual sassy-voiced Honky Tonk girl swagger, and the tune works.  I'm pretty sure it's an original, and it's a solid Christmas jam.  If the entire A Side of this album followed this opening track's lead, this would be a pretty decent little Christmas album.

But it doesn't.

"Away in a Manger" comes up next, and Loretta is no longer the hands-on-her-hips, "nobody takes my man" singer we all know and love.  Instead, she sings the whole song in this creepy, sloppy whisper, where she tries and vibratos but it instead comes out as a drunken warble.  Over the years I've heard Loretta, in many of her songs, putting her foot down with a drunken fool of a husband, or the like.  Here, though, it turns out Loretta is the drunk, and she sings like she's trying to sneak in through her kitchen at 3am without waking the rest of her family up.

The lack of 'quality control,' if you will, is pretty jarring.

From Our Home to Yours.  Par for the course.

Side B is a fourth-tier offering of "hey remember that one song?" -artists from the late 60s/early 70s -era of Country Music.  That one guy that had that one song that was all the rage for a couple months back in '72?  Yeah, he has a song on Side B.  So's the guy that opened for him when they toured State Fairs that summer.  I could make more jokes along these lines, but I think you get the point.

As far as good ol' Country Christmas-type albums go, this isn't bad.  But there's a hell of a lot better ones out there, and my turntable is a pretty exclusive club these days.

VERDICT:  6/10 - Decent (All in all, it's not a horrible album, per se, but it had potential to be a hell of a lot better.)

- SHELVED -

Ep. XXIII: 'A Christmas Card' - The Statler Brothers

 Grab your bible, your whiskey and your fanciest of Christmas sweaters, folks:  it's time for a good ol' fashioned Yuletide Hootenanny. . .

Album Title:  A Christmas Card

Album Artist:  The Statler Brothers

I love old Country and Honky Tonk, guys.  I love the holy heck out of it.

Not really a genre I got into as a high-schooler, mind you, or even the majority of college, for that matter.  Rather, it was through playing old country songs as I taught myself guitar my senior year of college - and having a few good ol' boys as roommates who listened to nothing but country - that made me appreciate it.  Now, don't get me wrong, I despise nearly all country that's emerged since the mid-70s, but that old stuff?  The stuff my grandfathers listened to, that reeks of whiskey, Jesus, cowboys, and low-down, no-good women?  That's my jam, folks.

And the Statler Brothers fall into this category.

I was pretty stoked to find it at a thrift store for a mere 99 cents, I can tell you that much (though I own this album on CD already, so there were no shockers here.)  A lot of these songs are well-known standards, especially on country stations, and I'm sure you've heard most of them already.  There's no real weak tracks on this album to speak of, besides the obvious 'spoken word' crap that appears on so many country-ish Christmas albums from the '60s and '70s.  Those old country singers couldn't get enough of that 'from our house to yours' bullshit:

Seriously, guys. . .

Cheesy, Holiday well-wishing aside, if there's one thing holding this record down - and I'm nit-picking here, because I do like this album -  it's that the Statler Brothers never really 'let their hair down.'  When they sing, they sound exactly as they should:  like four old country western musicians singing.  Consequently, anything they sing automatically sounds sentimental, grizzled, and solemn.  I wouldn't say depressing, per se, but it's not really the sort of music that makes you want to spring out of bed in the morning and run a 5K or anything.

LOOK OUT, FELLAS - THERE'S A WOLF CHASIN' YA

(Not that there's any Christmas song - or any song, for that matter - in existence that could make me want to do that.)

Anyway, this is an all-around solid Holiday album if you like old timey Country Western music.  If you don't, skip this and don't look back.  I love the Statler Brothers, but they're definitely pigeon-holed into their genre.  This album works amazingly well if you find yourself thinking about years past on a long, December car ride through the country.

For hosting a lively Christmas party?  Probably not.

VERDICT:  8/10 - Awesome  (A solid old country western record that works well during those rare, quiet, contemplative moments that pop up throughout the Holiday season)

- REMAINS IN CIRCULATION -

Ep. XIV: 'Pretty Paper' - Willie Nelson/ 'Christmas' - Tennessee Ernie Ford

 Welcome back to another yuletide, holly jolly jam-fest, America. . .

Album Title:  Pretty Paper

Album Artist:  Willie Nelson

I'm a big fan of old honky tonk, guys.  Cash, Waylon, Hank, Twitty, etc.  Can't stand the new, poppy shit they're passing off as 'Country' these days, but the old country/western stuff of the '40s - '70s is usually gold in my book.  I have gigs of the shit in my iTunes library, and stacks of vinyl on my record shelves, so I like to think I know what I'm talking about.

Willie generally falls within that category, too. . . but what we have here is, like, Willie's lame, chromosome-deficient half-sibling.  Instead of marijuana, whiskey, gravel and blood, this Bizarro Willie knows only doilies, living room organs, lemon squares, and the unbridled joys of a good, fleece throw.

What the f*** is up with that beret and earring?

This sure as hell doesn't sound like the Willie I know.  Jesus Christ, just check out his picture.

Anyway, this whole album features that aforementioned living room organ prominently on every track on this record.  It sounds exactly like the ones found in either one of my grandmothers' houses growing up.  Warbly, poor-toned eye-sores that were more novelty than instrument.  In the '60s and '70s, they were probably living room staples, I'm sure;  much like the Hi-Fi, wet bar, and umbrella stand.  I had fun playing on them when I was a kid, but shit - what the hell did I know when I was a kid?  I thought the Civil War was the greatest thing ever and played with G.I. Joes until I was waaaay too old to be doing so.

But let's get back to Mr. Nelson, here.

If you're looking for a solid Honky Tonk Christmas album, folks, I got some bad news for you:  this sure as shit ain't it.  This isn't even close to Country; hell, the stuff they're playing on 'country' stations now sounds more country than what we have here.  This album was cut in 1979, which may explain the gooey delivery of Bizarro Willie, the heavily-used Grandma Organ, and the creepy song list (a bunch of kids songs, Willie?  SERIOUSLY?)

I'm disappointed with this, to tell you the truth.  I figured I might stumble across a song on this record about a rebellious drifter rolling on down the highway, low on gas and money but full of Christmas cheer (and a bellyful of whiskey to boot.)  Or perhaps a slow ballad holiday song about a drunkard all alone on Christmas Eve, sitting in the dark, drunk, and thinking about his lost love and prioritizing his yuletide shit.

But no.

Here we have a woozy crooner butchering kids songs, far out of his element, somewhere in the bowels of his grandmother's living room.

It's really weirding me out.

VERDICT:  4/10 - Borophyll (Sympathy points for being Willie Nelson, who - despite what we have here - is a bonafide badass.)

- SHELVED -

Album Title:  Christmas

Album Artist:  Tennessee Ernie Ford

You know that ol' phrase, 'fool me once, shame on you/fool me twice, shame on me'?  That's kinda what we have, here.

At first, upon dropping the needle, I was met with a moderately fast country version of 'Up On the Housetop,' and I thought to myself, 'Well gall'darn - maybe Tennessee Ernie Ford has redeemed himself on this one' ('cause God knows his past appearances on some of those Christmas compilations have been train wrecks.)

Well, that was pretty short-lived.  As soon as the dude started singing, I once again remembered why it is this guy grates me so damn much in the first place:  his cartoon-villain, baritone voice.  It works for Johnny Cash, one of my top five favorite musicians, 'cause in his case it sounds like a man with a deep voice singing with conviction.  With Mr. Ford, though, you get the feeling that he actually talks like an average-pitched person, and is going out of his way and trying to have those baritone pipes.

The result is, well, unsettling.

If Skeletor's legion of bad guys on Eternia were cutting a Christmas album, Tennessee Ernie Ford is the first dude they'd phone up.  No doubt about it.

This album's arrangements are hokey, and with Ford's creepy bass-heavy voice crooning over top of it, it's hard to imagine this album being any worse than it already is.

. . . but then the spoken verses appear.

I don't who the hell enjoys the spoken verse on an album.  If I'm listening to music, I don't want to hear someone stop singing only to start talking to me - that's like watching a dramatic scene of a movie and then having the actor turn to the camera, breaking the fourth wall, and speaking directly to the viewer.  It's jarring, and it's stupid.

But that's not even the worst part, folks.  Oh yes:  this album gets worse.

Worse than Ford's singing, worse than the corny spoken verses (which are soooo bad they're almost awesome at times), is the children's choir.  Ford - for whatever Goddamn reason - decided to record a Christmas album full of children's songs.  If having someone like Ford groaning over a collection of kid songs wasn't creepy enough, he has an accompaniment of children singing throughout the album.  Unlike the Disney children's chorus, which sticks to background vocals, on Ford's album the kids are the main attraction:  there are kids singing solos on this record, which puts the kid front and center on several of these songs.

What's so wrong about kids singing?  Well, nothing, I guess. . . but when they're singing back and forth with Ford's cartoon villain voice, it sounds HORRIFYING.  It sounds less like a Christmas album and more like Tennessee Ernie Ford has a bunch of kidnapped kids locked away in a pit in his basement, and in order for them to receive food, he demands that they sing Christmas carols with him.  They cry and beg to be let go, but Ford - dressed like a woman, wearing lipstick, and screaming at them in his sinister Holiday voice - demands they sing for their supper.  

"IT SINGS 'HARK! THE HERALD ANGELS SING' OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN."

VERDICT:   2/10 - Reality TV (It gets a pity point for the slightly country tone, cheesy inspirational note on the back, and comically terrible spoken verses found throughout this record.)

- SHELVED -

- Brian