Ep. XLVIII: 'I Love Christmas' - Various Artists

Seasons Greetings, y'all.  Let's get some jams goin' here. . .

Album Title:  I Love Christmas

Album Artist:  Various Artists

Okay, you know what, I'm just gonna go ahead and say it:  this music is so f***ing cartoon-y it ought to have some kind of label across the front cover that says "Recorded in Glorious Technicolor."

God help me.

I don't think very many 'artists' on this album had waded into the waters of puberty at the date of recording (they're probably all in their 50s now.)  This is a Lord of the Flies Christmas - children's choirs, children soloists, and only a handful of post-pubescent singers (Skeeter Davis, Roy Rogers, Florence Henderson, Spike Jones doing that Dr. Demento's Christmas favorite, 'All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth,' etc.) bother making an appearance.

This really isn't the sort of record one puts on while trying to seduce a sweater-wearing, egg nog-sipping, young lady in front of some crackling yule logs.  This is the sort of record you intentionally put on to calm down a preggosaurus rex while she's in the deep throws of a 'get this f***ing thing out of me already' meltdown.  'Cause won't having kids someday be nice?? Or maybe when you're trying to calm down a roost-full of candy cane-fueled toddlers tearing around your living room.

Either way.

So is offering downright terrible?  No, no it's not.  This is a children's album, so you know what you're getting, more or less.  Not a lot of surprises, here.  The adult singers are delivering in the most monotone, calm voices they can muster ('cause, you never know, it could be nap time), and the children's choirs are singing with as much cherubic charm they can muster.  If you want Children's Christmas music, you might be okay with this.

Florence Henderson and Roy Rogers are kinda creepy, but. . . whatever.  I guess they're not nearly as creepy as the sinister-looking little girl on the album cover, employing a vice grip on a dead koala.

I love Christmas.

VERDICT:  5/10 - Meh (It's a children's Christmas album.  While not necessarily horrible, I have far better ones in my collection.)

- SHELVED -