Ep. CXIV: 'For Christmas This Year' - The Lettermen

I'm gonna recommend each and every one of you go run to the cabinet real fast and grab yourself a couple of NoDoz real quick before we start this evening's installment, folks. . . 

Album Title:  For Christmas This Year

Album Artist:  The Lettermen

Another solid-gold gem from a Christmas run to Radio Wasteland, this album was a long, long time coming, folks. It was only a matter of time before The Lettermen finally graced my turntable on this Christmas Record Odyssey of mine, and to be honest I'm kinda surprised they haven't already.

If you've never frequented the used records section of your local thrift store (don't worry, its there), you probably can't understand what I'm getting at. You see, when a record collector goes hunting for vinyl, they're presented with some alternatives. First, they can shop online (via Amazon, Discogs, SoundofVinyl, Merchbar, etc.), which usually have the best prices, best availability, etc.  Second, they can head on over to their local record store, which provides the cool atmosphere and the camaraderie of being around other collectors, talking shop and learning more. . . the downside, alas, being prices and availability aren't usually as great as online shopping.

Then there's your third option - they can slum it up in their local shit holes. Flea/antique markets, garage sales, and thrift stores.

This is the Wild West of record collecting, because it's a total crap-shoot with regards to pricing and what you stumble across. Some antique stores think some dusty, scratched up Elvis record is worth $50 just because it's Elvis, all because they don't know shit about record collecting and haven't taken the time to look up the value of it on Discogs. Other times you can hit up a garage sale where some lady just got a divorce and she wants her husband's record collection liquidated. 

I once scored over one hundred albums once for $10 when I had only been collecting for a few years this way, I still remember it. 

Thrift stores are probably the worst place to look, though. This is almost always the absolute dregs of the physical media world, because it houses those albums that other folks have deemed crappy enough to get rid of, but not good enough for other people in society to purchase back from the thrift store. This is the fabled Land of Mantovani, of Mitch Miller, of Lawrence Welk, of The Ames Brothers, of Anne Murray, of Roger Whitaker, and of The Lettermen.

Like I said before, I'm surprised this is the first time I've gotten around to reviewing The Lettermen on here, because this is literally all I've ever seen at thrift stores - their dusty, old bullshit. I was curious to know what the hype (or lack thereof) was all about. So upon dropping the needle on this album, the first thing that hit me was, "Damn, I didn't realize any three vocalists out there could make Three Dog Night sound so f***ing hard. . ." 

This is, without a doubt, the most inoffensive easy listening music I've ever heard. You could play this in front of anyone, at any time: in the middle of church, to your grandparents while they're having sex, to a little kid in the middle of the night while wearing a werewolf mask in order to soothe them back to sleep, you name it. It works on so many levels. 

Now, I should point out real fast that the music itself on this album is straight-up '4' territory - it's boring, but it is competent. This is 'Great Songs of Christmas' music, the kind you''d expect backing Johnny Mathis, Julie Andrews, Andy Williams, etc. - which is also easy listening music, but a few clicks up from these douchebags in terms of 'star power,' I guess.  So I have zero issue with the arrangements on here. . . though I do with some of the song choices - which are so bad where they may be 'originals,' God forbid.) If going by music alone, in fact (like, if it was an instrumental release), I'd probably give this one a '4.' Maybe a '5.'

But Goddamn it all to Hell. . . these vocals.

From Our House to Yours, baby girl. . .

At no point, throughout the entirety of this album, do The Letterman push their voices out of the malaise of background vocals-ish harmonizing.  Not one of these creepy-looking assholes (see picture at right) attempt to 'belt out' any of their songs - not at a chorus, not at a reprise, nothing. There's no variation in the volume of their singing, ever - it's almost like they had to sign some kind of a clause with this record deal where they had to record everything so that it came across as the audio equivalent of mayonnaise. Consequently, all three voices blend together into some kind of nauseating,  Valium cocktail, lulling the listener into a state of near-comatose over the course of twelve songs.

After two sides of such sleepy singing, one almost wishes for the cheesy, over-the-top 'operatic' singing we've previously ridiculed on this blog over the years. If only to snap us out of our induced comas. 

Perhaps if they had drank a cup of coffee (or six) before recording albums like this one here, there wouldn't be so f***ing many of them cluttering up your local thrift store. . .

VERDICT:  3/10 - Seriously? (Do NOT listen to this album while operating heavy machinery.)

- SHELVED-

- Brian

Ep. CI: 'Christmas with Henry Mancini/Eddy Arnold'

Welp, we got ourselves a Buy One/Get One Free sorta thing going on this evening, folks - strap yourselves in. . .

Album Title:  Christmas with Henry Mancini/Christmas with Eddy Arnold

Album Artist:  Henry Mancini/Eddy Arnold

So obviously I picked this one up because I have never - ever - come across something like this on a record before, Christmas or not.  When I first picked it up from the Dollar Bin at Radio Wasteland, I saw 'Christmas with Henry Mancini' scrawled across the top, with a picture of some goofy-looking schmuck that looks like he's really trying to get you into that secondhand Dodge Dart he swears isn't gonna be around on his lot for very much longer.  I therefore figured this would be a hokey album, and well worth a buck, so I tucked it into my other arm and continued browsing through records.

You can imagine my surprise when, when reshuffling the stack of vinyl I had accumulated in my arms up to this point, I noticed upon second glance that it wasn't Henry Mancini at all, but some much more stiff-looking guy by the name of Eddy Arnold.  The schmoozey car salesman was gone, and now here was a father figure that wants you to sit down at the kitchen table for a sec, sport, so he can ask you about the pack of Marlboro Reds and the condoms he found in the glove box of your car.

It took me longer than I care to admit before I realized that I hadn't imagined the whole 'Henry Mancini being on the cover' thing, and that this album was, in fact, double-sided.  Not a double-LP, mind you:  double-sided.  On one side, this is a Henry Mancini album, and on the other, it's an Eddy Arnold album.

I didn't know you could do that.

Anyway, I struggled with reviewing these as two separate albums - seeing how it's one artist on each side - but ultimately sided against that approach because the producers of this LP decided on releasing it as a single album.  So that's what you get, folks - we're lumping these two together.  For better or for worse.

I'll start with Henry Mancini.  Side A.

This sounds the easy-listening, hometown-y, white bread sorta nonsense that every, last one of your grandparents listened to back in the 1950s.  It sounds like something I'd find on a cassette in my step-grandparents' conversion van back in the day.  I'm not sure if this Mancini guy is the singer, or just the composer, but in either case it's beyond boring.  

I could easily fall asleep to this one:  there are few highs and lows to be found on Side A, everything just keeps the same tempo, the same mix volume, the same instrumentation, the same everything.  While nothing is really worth making fun of, per se (at least not in a comical, fun way), it's hard to find any redeeming qualities in this side at all.  This is just another easy-listening album that is so non-offensive you could get away playing it in church.

And not a liberal church, mind you - one of the ones that think gays are evil and Democrats drink baby blood.

So how about this Eddy Arnold fella, let's talk about this guy.  I had heard of Mancini before - I'm no stranger to thrift stores, and have spent my fair share of time digging in vain through piles of musty and ill-kept Goodwill records - but I had never heard of Arnold.  

Giving this second side a listen, there's not a huge difference between Arnold's side and Mancini's side - they're equally boring - but if I had to be picky I'd say Arnold's arrangements aren't quite as sleepy.  It still classifies as easy listening, but the volume is literally louder (noticeably, and I didn't adjust my receiver) and the instruments are equally more brash.  There are more horns - the 50s definitely enjoyed their brass, without the swinging fun that accompanied the brass of the '60s - and, sadly, a lot more pipe organ.  The singer has a little more confidence in himself, too, and attempts to belt out his church-friendly, non-offensive carols like his voice alone has the power to drop elderly grandmother panties.

What's more than a little disturbing is the fact that, back in the day, it probably did.  Let that one sink in for a hot minute.  Alas, even that superpower fails to impress Yours Truly - that's nowhere near enough to save this snooze-fest from the donation bin. 

VERDICT:  4/10 - Borophyll (Double Trouble in the form of Henry Mancini and Eddy Arnold, bringing Nap Time into town like it's no one's business.  Lock up your grannies, America. . .)

- SHELVED-

- Brian

Ep. XLVII: 'Great Songs for All Seasons' - Arthur Fiedler & The Boston Pops

 Hi again, music lovers.

We can't get ourselves any frickin' snow it seems, but we can sure as hell nab ourselves some audio nerdery. . .

Album Title:  An Evening with Arthur Fiedler & The Boston Pops:  Great Songs for ALL SEASONS

Album Artist:  Arthur Fiedler & The Boston Pops

They went out of their way to convince you, right out of the gate, that this album could be played year-round.  Check out the All Caps work in the title.  I definitely overlooked this fact when purchasing it at Radio Wasteland last month (for $2, mind you), and assumed, since it was in their Christmas section, it was a Holiday album.

And it sort of is.

Upon placing this on my turntable, however, I soon realized why this was advertised as music for ALL SEASONS:  the entirety of Side A is NOT Christmas music.

What.  The.  Hell.

Instead, we have your usual pickings of '70s Easy Listening fan favorites.  "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head," "What the World Needs Now is Love," etc. - Arthur Fiedler, like EVERYONE ELSE in the '70s, apparently can't get enough of Burt f***ing Bacharach.

Those two songs alone appear on probably 90% of every thrift store album one comes across, which leads me to believe that Mr. Bacharach was commonly believed back then to be the second coming of Christ.

His songs creep into every nook and cranny of mainstream music, forcing their way onto compilation LPs and demanding to be heard, like some drunk guy who shows up at a party uninvited.


I don't care for Burt Bacharach, and his presence here is not a welcome one.

So Side A, long story short, is a wash.  It sucks.  If you're a fan of listening to instrumental versions of 'classic' '70s Easy Listening, then you'll probably dig it, but that's not a genre I'm a fan of.

Side B, however, is Christmas music, and is done in Fiedler's typical 'pops' orchestral arrangements (listen to any orchestral offering that ends with '. . .Goes Pop' and you'll know what I'm talking about.)  It's not bad, but it sounds like department store background music.  Imagine you're walking through a J.C. Penney (remember those?) back in the '80s, during December, and you're picking out tacky gold jewelry for your mom.  This is the music that is playing over the sound system.  His take on Tchaikovsky is nice, as is his arrangements of other Holiday classical scores, but I have better versions on other LPs, and, ultimately, it's nowhere near enough to save this half-ass attempted offering from damnation.

I'm pissed I spent $2 on this.  While not horrible, per se - Fiedler is a talented artist in the 'Goes Pop' field, and if both sides were comprised of legit Christmas music we might be looking at a higher score, maybe a '6' or so  - I feel cheated that this is only half a Christmas album, and that an entire side of this LP is dedicated to Bacharach-ish shittiness.  

VERDICT:  3/10 - Seriously? (Burt Bacarach and Co's boring sleaze drags this album down considerably, and not even Fiedler's not-bad take on Christmas Classical music is enough to save it from being shelved. . . if not donated.)

- SHELVED -