Ep. CXV: 'And They Killed Christmas' - Various Artists

Folks, brace yourselves for what may be one of the weirdest releases of this Holiday season. . . 

Album Title:  And They Killed Christmas

Album Artist:  Various Artists

I stumbled across this album a year ago on a site called MerchBar - one of those sites that offers vinyl for dirt cheap, but it may take you, like, six months to get in the mail. I hadn't heard of this particular release before, but I figured with The Vandals on it - and for an insanely low price of $3 - it was kind of a no-brainer. Plus, it's pressed on green vinyl, which, as we all know, makes it sound better.

Anyway, this album may be the most random compilation of music I've ever listened to. I assumed that with The Vandals headlining this baby, we'd have ourselves some kinda snotty, punk-ish album on our hands. Maybe not all the acts on here would come from a punk rock background, but at the very least maybe the lyrics would be snarky or it'd be sort of rock-ish in tone. 

That's not at all what we have here.  I'm not even sure I'm qualified to try and explain this damn thing.

'My First Christmas as a Woman' is exactly what you'd come to expect from The Vandals, most of the cornerstones of punk music, dating back to the early 1980s. The lyrics are hilarious, it sounds like the Vandals doing a Christmas song, and, while it's not one of their better songs by any means, it's not downright awful. If the rest of the album was up to the caliber of this opening track, you'd have yourself a solid '7' on your hands, no doubt about it.

But that's not what we have here at all, folks.

There's a stretch of songs that follow where you get the vibe that they were going with some kind of a punk/rock version of Dr. Demento's Christmas album with this release. 'Aquaclaus' is a decent enough parody of Jethro Tull's Aqualung, replacing the lyrics of the classic original with some shit about Santa or whatever (obviously.)  'X-M@$' is surprisingly good, which is all the more bizarre considering it's from Corey Taylor, whom I believe is the front man from Slipknot (a notoriously shitty band.) Verses are meh, but the chorus sounds like Social Distortion, it's pretty badass. 'Sexy Santa' by Steel Panther is cheesy '80s cock rock - hairspray, guy-liner, and tight, leather pants - just with Christmas-y lyrics (about Santa being sexy, in case you were wondering.) It's not awesome, but for purposes of album filler it's not terrible.

Then everything grinds to a f***ing halt. 

'An Old Fashioned Christmas' by Linda Bennett is some soft pop number from the 1970's that is so sonically out of step here that it's like being doused with a bucket of cold ice water. At first it comes across as just any other Anne Murray Holiday jam (though the woman's vocals twang a bit more), until the dark theme of the song becomes evident: a dad/husband's usual bus (that he always takes home from work) runs head-on into a tree, and there are no survivors. The woman singing - the mom/wife - believes he's been killed, but puts on a brave face for two whiny-ass kids who are all concerned (on Christmas Eve, of course.) This is when the song's inclusion on this particular album becomes obvious. It's not a great song, but it's kinda funny. . . in a macabre sorta way.

The randomness and absurdity explodes on Side U (instead of Side 'A' and 'B,' they went with Side 'F' and 'U'. . . seriously.) 'Silent Nite' is a weird, Butthole's Surfer-inspired, heavy acid trip with a drunken Balrog on vocal duty. I'm not sure who the intended audience is for this song, but drugs are definitely involved. 'Santa's Gonna Kick Your Ass' is a polka number that could have appeared on a novelty Holiday album if it weren't for the Rated R lyrics. Lots of nyuck nyucks abound.

If we were going to base this album solely on concept, I can imagine giving it a '7' - I get what they were trying to do here - but the song choices fall flat a lot of the time. Musically, this thing is so frickin' random that you can't passively listen to it, and you really have to be invested in analyzing the concept (Christmas sucks) to appreciate it. There's no way Kris would ever listen to this.

I think what really sinks this album is the inclusion of songs that are so bad that the producers thought it'd be funny to add them to the track listing. Like, there's nothing comical about the lyrics, they're just bad songs. While I enjoy the 'so bad it's good' trope as much as the next guy, it's not a great idea when compiling a Holiday album. There are three or four songs on this album that were selected because they're comically bad: the previously described 'An Old Fashioned Christmas,' Burt Bacharach's 'The Bell That Couldn't Jingle,' 'Christmas Is (Make it Sweet)' by Bobby Sherman (and a bunch of tone-deaf little kids), and Steve W. Mauldin's 'O Holy Night.' 

One song like this would have been more than enough. Devoting nearly half an album to this 'joke' is overkill.

So, all in all, I think I'm gonna hold on to this one for the time being, but I don't see it getting a lot of spin time. A couple songs on here are okay, but nothing's spectacular - this is more of a comedy album than a punk album (what I thought I was getting), but it's like one of those comedy films where there's a couple scenes that are decent but the jokes seem to fall flat most of the time.

That's not a movie you're going to re-watch a ton of times, guys.

VERDICT:  6/10 - Decent (They leaned in too heavy with the 'so bad it's funny' thing and over-played their hand. I was waaaay too sober for this one. . .)

- SHELVED-

- Brian

Ep. XLVIII: 'I Love Christmas' - Various Artists

Seasons Greetings, y'all.  Let's get some jams goin' here. . .

Album Title:  I Love Christmas

Album Artist:  Various Artists

Okay, you know what, I'm just gonna go ahead and say it:  this music is so f***ing cartoon-y it ought to have some kind of label across the front cover that says "Recorded in Glorious Technicolor."

God help me.

I don't think very many 'artists' on this album had waded into the waters of puberty at the date of recording (they're probably all in their 50s now.)  This is a Lord of the Flies Christmas - children's choirs, children soloists, and only a handful of post-pubescent singers (Skeeter Davis, Roy Rogers, Florence Henderson, Spike Jones doing that Dr. Demento's Christmas favorite, 'All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth,' etc.) bother making an appearance.

This really isn't the sort of record one puts on while trying to seduce a sweater-wearing, egg nog-sipping, young lady in front of some crackling yule logs.  This is the sort of record you intentionally put on to calm down a preggosaurus rex while she's in the deep throws of a 'get this f***ing thing out of me already' meltdown.  'Cause won't having kids someday be nice?? Or maybe when you're trying to calm down a roost-full of candy cane-fueled toddlers tearing around your living room.

Either way.

So is offering downright terrible?  No, no it's not.  This is a children's album, so you know what you're getting, more or less.  Not a lot of surprises, here.  The adult singers are delivering in the most monotone, calm voices they can muster ('cause, you never know, it could be nap time), and the children's choirs are singing with as much cherubic charm they can muster.  If you want Children's Christmas music, you might be okay with this.

Florence Henderson and Roy Rogers are kinda creepy, but. . . whatever.  I guess they're not nearly as creepy as the sinister-looking little girl on the album cover, employing a vice grip on a dead koala.

I love Christmas.

VERDICT:  5/10 - Meh (It's a children's Christmas album.  While not necessarily horrible, I have far better ones in my collection.)

- SHELVED -