Ep. CXXV: 'Here Comes Santa Claus' - Unknown

 Hey, who's ready to touch [consensually] their inner, Holiday child. . .

Album Title:  Here Comes Santa Claus!

Album Artist:  Unknown

Here we got with yet another dollar bin find from Radio Wasteland; if you couldn't tell, this has been my go-to method for scrounging up cheap, shitty albums to review the last four or five Holiday Seasons. It's getting to the point where I have to make sure I don't pick any up that I've already reviewed in previous posts.  

This one, however, couldn't be passed up. Jesus H. Christ, just look at this frickin' guy. That's the most red-faced Santa Claus I've ever seen.

"Uh Oh, children - Santa's made a HUGE mistaaaake."

If he's sober in this picture, I'm an Ohioan.

He's got that 'oh shit' look in his eyes too - a look filled with shock and regret. To me, that either indicates he just did something sudden and gross in his pants and was unable to do anything about it in the heat of the moment. . . . or else that rabid, baby panda he's got cradled in his chubby mitts just bit him.

This baby panda is the thing of nightmares. It will eat your soul.

(That's the scariest baby panda I've ever seen, folks.)

Whoever previously owned this album played the holy hell out of it, I'll tell you what. Even after a run through the ol' Spin Clean record cleaning system, it's still scuffed all to hell. It'd be more believable to learn that the previous owner had used this record as a frickin' shovel than as something to be played on their turntable. The surface noise on this album is so bad I almost threw the record in the trash without reviewing it at all.

But that would have been a waste of a dollar, kids.

Anyway, shitty album art/record condition aside, the arrangements here could be best described as 'cartoon' music, gang. Accordions and xylophones  - and lots and lots of jingle bells - abound, everything's upbeat and cheerful, and it all sounds like circus music. Or the sort of thing you'd hear in a 1940's cartoon. Nothing here out of the ordinary, I guess, considering this is a children's album after all.  

Have I heard better? Sure, absolutely. Is it bad? Meh. . . 'bad' might be a stretch. 

It's not good, but, then again, I'm not one to rock out to children's music, I'm definitely not the target demographic here. That being said, I can easily think of, like, two-dozen Christmas albums that were geared towards children that had more 'child-appropriate' singers than this release. The male singer that takes the lead on most of the songs on this album sounds like a mix between Glenn Yardbrough and a stuffy, pompous banker type in an old Looney Tunes (like that Bugs Bunny would repeatedly mess with throughout the course of an old cartoon short.) Not the best vocal option for a children's album, in my opinion, but hell - what do I know?  This is a children's album, and I'm 25 years old.

There's no artist credits on this album to be found anywhere, so we'll probably never know who this sub-par vocalist is. But, taking into consideration the catalog of other record label titles advertised on the back of this album (instead of artist/band credits, 'from our house to yours' messages, etc.), I think it's safe to assume that this singer was most likely just company 'talent' that was brought into the studio for an afternoon of singing kids' Christmas songs. He probably makes appearances on the label's obligatory Country/Western albums, Polka albums, and a few of those 'Cherished Favorites' compilations of some kind, too.

. . . that, or he works in the mail room and just happened to be passing by a board room when a couple big-wigs asked him if he knew how to sing at all. 

Who's to know.

There's also a  female singer who takes lead vocal duty on a couple tracks (usually she just chimes in on some of the choruses here and there as a background singer.) She's a click above the male singer, as far as children's music from the 1950s goes. Gives off some strong Angela Lansbury vibes. So, you know. . . if that's your thing. . . .

Then, out of left field, just when you've been lulled into a false sense of childlike security by two, full sides of this kiddie circus album - BAM - the album producers drop a spoken word poem on your ass.

''Twas the Night Before Christmas.' Odds are you grew up reading it - or having it read to you - every Christmas Eve, it's a classic. But does it really need to be on a Holiday record? 

It certainly feels out of place, even on a bizarro Children's album like this one. To make matters worse, as the poem goes on, they start incorporating cartoon-y sound effects - window shutters opening, reindeer hooves on a roof, etc. - and background begins to swell. This, I assume, was included in order to inject some 'yuletide flare' into the famous Christmas poem. The result from the combination of this music and the guy's voice sounds like this would be far better suited for a 1950s educational film teaching children about how crayons are made in a factory. 

In conclusion, when in doubt, feel free to leave off adding poetry to one's Holiday albums.

VERDICT:  4/10 - Borophyll (A really dated Children's Christmas album. Had I reviewed this baby about, oh, seventy years ago, I'd probably rate it pretty well. Unfortunately, seeing how I don't have a access to a time machine, I'm going to have to knock it down substantially instead. It's also gonna lose a point for the beyond-stupid inclusion of a poem at the end of Side B.)

- SHELVED-

- Brian

Ep. XLIV: 'Twas the Night Before Christmas' - The Caroleers

 Welcome back to the Odyssey, America.  Our Yuletide jam session continues. . .

Album Title:  'Twas the Night Before Christmas

Album Artist:  The Caroleers

 

The name 'Caroleers' invokes imagery of some serious Holiday swashbuckling, doesn't it?  Some upbeat, swinging carol-slinging.  Perhaps some sword play or damsel-saving to boot.  Sadly, these motherf***ers right here are about as far from all of that Holiday fun as humanly possible.  

Remember the Caroleers?  They graced our presence before, folks, and the results were not good to say the least.

Honestly, the Caroleers don't deserve a band name at all.  Band names are for people who can create music.  This doesn't sound like these people created anything - it sounds like as if they walked into a large hall, approached some already set-up microphones, and started singing.  I mean, I'm sure some of these guys have previous choir experience, I guess, but the way they sing together sounds like a bunch of random people singing into a set of microphones.

And, dear readers, if you just sound like a bunch of random people singing into a set of microphones, than you are a choir, and you get named after the church in which you sing (Saint Michael's Lutheran Choir, the First United Methodist Choir, etc.)  Sorry, Caroleers - you're not nearly as cool as you think you are.

"Check out Santa's ass!"

That being said, this album is a total snooze-fest.  The arrangements are beyond boring.  It's like listening to glue dry.   I picked this album up because the cover art made it sound like it'd be some hokey children's album (I overlooked the name 'Caroleers' when I bought it, or else I probably wouldn't have picked it up at all.)  The only reference to the cover art to be found is the Side A Track 1 title track, which is lifted from the famous poem of the same name - ridiculously abridged into a thirty-second or so 'song' clip.  It stands out considerably from the rest of the album's overall church-y vibe, but is equally just as terrible.

This is an audible wasteland of dusty church organs, bells, grandma's living room keyboard, and a track listing that sounds like it was taken from the Early Bird church service (you know, the one no one goes to because it's boring and filled with elderly people who are about to die.)  I mean, how do you make 'We Wish You a Merry Christmas' sound like a boring-ass church service?  That's a Holiday anthem, for Christ's sake - what the hell, Caroleers?

VERDICT:  2/10 - Reality TV (This album needs to be completely erased from existence.  I might make it my life's work to hunt down and destroy every, last copy of this album.  You know, to save Christmas.)

- SHELVED -

Ep. XLIII: 'Boots and Stockings' - Boots Randolph

How's it going, music lovers?  Ready for some more jam nerdery?

(Of course you are.)

Album Title:  Boots and Stockings

Album Artist:  Boots Randolph

So.  You guys like the song, 'Yakety Sax'?  Remember that old British variety show - I think it was a variety show, at least - the Benny Hill Show?  Remember?  People running in and out of various doors, falling over stuff, crowds of people running around and a certain saxophonist losing his damn mind on the track?

Not sure what I'm talking about?  Go check it out here on Youtube.

I'll wait. . .

. . .

. . you check it out yet?  Yeah?  Pretty good, right?

That's what the entirety of Side A sounds like, except in Christmas-form. 

And it's awesome.  I really, really like this.  In fact, had both sides of this album sounded like this, this could be - and I shit you not - the quintessential Holiday party soundtrack (well, if your Holiday party's a kegger, that is.)  But, alas, Side B slows down considerably, and that 'Yakkety Sax' sound that we've all come to love over the years disappears.  Instead, we get a more introspective saxophone sound, and while it's not horrible by any means, it's kind of a letdown considering what we had on Side A.

It almost sounds like this album was recorded all in one evening at the studio, and the engineers purposely stacked all the up-tempo, 'fun' songs on this album up front because they were more demanding for Boots to play.  They wanted their star saxophone player to have enough energy to belt out his trademark hornmanship (I don't know what that's called, sorry) on those tracks before he lost all his energy and started playing like a homeless guy doped up on Nyquil.  

They couldn't give Boots a frickin' coffee break at some point in the recording session?

In closing, if you ever come across this in a record store, or a thrift shop, I would definitely recommend picking it up.  It's a lot of fun.

I'd just constantly play Side A over and over again, though. 

VERDICT:  7/10 - Pretty Rad (If this had been 'Side A' on both sides, we'd be looking at a solid '8,' maybe even a '9.')

- REMAINS IN CIRCULATION -