Ep. CXX: 'Christmas at Our House' - Barbara Mandrell

Alright gang, grab yourself a Holiday cocktail and settle on in for an early '80s Yuletide shit-show. . .

Album Title:  Christmas at Our House

Album Artist:  Barbara Mandrell

Guys, this is a weird, weird album.

This Barb chick was apparently was an up-and-coming country singer back in the day. I had to Wikipedia her because I've never heard of this person, who apparently was relevant (kinda) in the late '70s and early '80s. There were a few songs that hit the radio, she had a short-lived variety show back in the day, etc. 

But I consider myself somewhat of a 'music aficionado,' so the fact I haven't heard of her isn't a good sign.

What the hell - this dog looks like a f***ing Muppet. 

Anyway, this album sounds like the entire backing tracks were recorded by a company that specializes in mass-producing karaoke CDs. In fact, even with this chick singing, the entire album sounds like a karaoke album (apparently she was a country singer, but aside from a barely-discernible 'twang' in her voice there's no trace of country on this whole album.) 

While reviewing this, I feel like I'm in a small town dive bar, drinking Coors Lite, and watching a mom of some guy I went to high school with acting like she's in her 20's singing while half-buzzed. Not to that slurry point of drunkenness quite yet, but to that point where she's slightly randy and has her sites set on an unsuspecting member of the audience.

With the exception of 'Winter Wonderland' - the only real Christmas song on this whole, frickin' album - all of the songs on here were clearly written by a team of local community college music majors that were given an assignment by their professor where they had to write 'Christmas Songs.' "For this assignment, you have to use the following Christmas terms in a song featuring at least three major chords: Savior, Christmas, Star, Light, Snow, Magic, Home, Season, Peace, Love, etc."

Guys, I can't stress this enough: Christmas Albums 101 dictates you include songs on your Holiday album that folks can easily recognize and appreciate. Give the masses what they want: "Jingle Bells," "Good King Wencelas," "O Come All Ye Faithful," etc. God knows there's, like, a hundred of them. And they're ALL Public Domain. It's not like money's an issue here, folks. The fact that the studio execs actually said, "Recognizable Christmas songs? Nah, we've got a better idea - hold our beers. . . " is mind-blowing.

The sound majority of the songs here are more religious in nature, which shouldn't be all that surprising seeing how they're from a 'country singer' and everything. This totally sound like the sort of album some small town wife would listen to while their husband Carl and his cousin Todd are out in the woods, drinking shitty beer and checking their animal traps. Around the double-wide trailer they share, this album is playing on a cassette deck (because a turntable would require too much technical skill to operate), and while the wife and Todd's girlfriend are smoking cigarettes and making food in a linoleum-tiled kitchen, a bunch of dirty-faced, fat kids are watching Ernest Saves Christmas while wearing their soaking-wet snow boats indoors. There's lots of antlers on hand, along with obesity and copious usage of the N-word.

Ugh.

Hey guys, wanna see Barb strangle this poor dog to death?

It isn't until well into Side B (seriously) that Barb finally drops another familiar jam, "I'll Be Home for Christmas". . . and even this sounds like shitty karaoke. It's a short-lived moment of familiarity, because the following tracks are all unrecognizable songs that either a.) were written in-house and approved by studio big-wigs that wanted to give this Barb chick a vehicle for Yuletide stardom, or b.) Barb wrote these songs herself. And, in the case of the latter, there's clearly a reason I've never heard of this chick. These songs are terrible.

Barb can sorta sing, but in a way that screams 'shoulder-pads' and 'wine coolers.' One gets the impression that she's the girlfriend of someone with connections. Maybe she was hot back in the day, I don't know. . . but one doesn't get a shot at recording a well-produced Holiday album without having talent or doing 'favors' for the record company execs. 

My money's on the latter.

VERDICT:  3/10 - Seriously? (An obscure country artist from the early '80s records a highly-polished karaoke album filled with 'Christmas' songs that no one has ever heard before. And apparently people bought this album back in the day? Like, with real money?)

- SHELVED-

- Brian

Ep. CXIX: 'Christmas Greetings from Nashville' - Various Artists

Get ready for some rootin' tootin' Holiday scootin', gang -  we're about to have ourselves a weird, lil' hootenanny up in this place. . .

Album Title:  Christmas Greetings from Nashville

Album Artist:  Various Artists

Okay, so I'll own this one - I didn't bother taking a close look at which artists were on this particular compilation when I picked it up out of the dollar bin at Radio Wasteland. I just read 'Nashville' and got excited: while I'm not a fan of modern country music (or, 'Hick Hop,' as I like to call the bullshit that is Bro Country), but I'm a bg fan of old '50s-'70s honky tonk. The Cash, Twitty, Jennings, Lynn, Jones, and Wynette stuff.

Sadly, none of those ladies and gentlemen appear on this Holiday compilation. If the aforementioned country stars of yesteryear are the varsity players, than what we have here is the JV team. The Benchwarmers. While there's a couple of decent musicians to be found here (I see you there in the back, Floyd Cramer), there aren't a ton, and there's not a lot of talent to get excited over.

First of all, I should point out that whomever pressed this album did one of the worst jobs I've ever heard. To say there's surface noise here is an understatement, but if that alone were the only issue with the noise I could somewhat excuse it. The whole recording sounds like someone triple-dubbed a cassette tape (you know, they made a copy of a copy of a cassette that was originally recorded from a CD.) It's so muddled you can barely differentiate instruments sometimes. To make matters worse (because it does get worse, gang), the master volume is so loud that even with my receiver's pre-amp turned all the way down the distortion light stays solid. 

Ideally said light would be occasionally blinking, like when an audio level clips into the red - picture the level just solid RRREEEEEEDDDDD for the entirety of TWO SIDES OF AN ALBUM and that's what we're dealing with here.

Ah yes. . . the 'From Our House to Yours' inspirational write-up. Classic.

Now on to that actual music.

Again, all the songs on this album are done by Country Music's B-Team, and they're not terrible. These are all artists who found mediocre success in their genre back in the day. They all sing fine, as far as ole timey country singers go, though a few of them I've never heard of them. . . so they might be studio 'filler' groups that have contracts to take up space on compilations like this. Sometimes when studios couldn't fork out the money for big names, they'd fill gaps with groups they got on the cheap in order to round out a playlist. I think that might be the case on this one.

The arrangements are good, and nearly all the song selections on this album are safe bets - Christmas favorites that everyone knows by heart, which is what you want on any Holiday album. What's frustrating is one can see the potential this album had if only a.) the production team could've, I don't know, maybe spent a little more time and effort into the mastering process on this release so it didn't sound like complete shit, and b.) maybe paid for the top-tier talent instead of relying on the country radio station's 'filler' squad.

"Christmas Time's a-Coming" is a perfect example of a song that, while not bad, has been done so much better by others. I've heard this exact same version done in the same bluegrass style, equal parts Appalachian barbecue and gospel barn-burner, and done far better by Emmylou Harris. 

No country album would be complete without "Blue Christmas," a melancholy staple that's a must-have on any Holiday playlist. Elvis, Cash, and so many other artists have knocked this one out of the park, but The Browns - whoever the hell they are, I've never heard of 'em - phone this one in. It's bland, there's no heart and/or soul in it, and the whole thing sounds forced. Yet another missed opportunity.

Floyd Cramer's rendition of "Jingle Bell Rock" might be the best song on this album, a rollicking instrumental featuring his typical, upbeat piano bashing. Unfortunately, it's sandwiched between two stink-fests: Dottie West's so-bland-it's-forgettable "You Are My Christmas, Carol" (get it? Christmas, Carol instead of Christmas Carol?) and Hank Snow's "Little Stranger (In a Manger)," which sounds like someone's drunken uncle slurring over a church nativity setup on his late-night stumble back from the bar.

All in all, this is another classic example of missed opportunity. Replacing these artists with ones that were a click or six up from what you have here, and getting someone besides a bunch of cigarette-smoking chimps to master the pressing of this album, would have delivered an album that could very well have made it into regular, Holiday rotation.

Alas, this JV squad is being benched.

VERDICT:  5/10 - Meh (A lackluster Holiday compilation from Nashville's mediocre Junior Varsity squad.)

- SHELVED-

- Brian

Ep. CXVIII: 'Merry Christmas' - Andy Williams

Behold, the Christmas titan. . .

Album Title:  Merry Christmas

Album Artist:  Andy Williams

This album is going to be kinda hard to review, folks. 

I mean, c'mon - it's Andy frickin' Williams. The guy stands in the pantheon of Christmas music - alongside Nat King Cole, Perry Como, Bing Crosby, Dean Martin and Frank Sinatra - as one of the most well-known in the genre. Many of his versions of Christmas songs are Holiday classics, and you've heard them all your life. Some of his versions are THE versions of these songs, and when an artist gets to this level of Christmasdom it's difficult to objectively analyze the music itself. It's like analyzing your memories, or analyzing the nostalgia of the Holidays themselves. And so before we go any further with this, I'm going to come out at state that I'm going to try and remain as objective as humanly possible in reviewing Andy's album here. . . but give me some grace.

Andy is cut from the same cloth as the previously mentioned heavyweights, with a crooning style that is part campy variety show and part Las Vegas casino. He's a little less 'Vegas' than Frank and Dean, though - I don't think Andy could have kept up with the hard-partying Rat Pack back in the day. Not sure if it's the subject matter, his voice, his image, or the dude's overall vibe. . . but he's kinda like the Canada to the Rat Pack's U.S.A. The crooning sounds similar, but this is a little less 'edgy,' I guess.

Several songs on here are safe selections, but none of his best-known Holiday songs are on this particular album. You get the feeling while listening to this one that his other Christmas album - which must surely contain all the aforementioned hits - was the first one he did, so then he released this follow-up album to capitalize on the craze. 

He picks a few holiday standards that are hard to screw up, and the production value and backing music that accompany his singing is pretty solid. But then he side-steps the safe, conventional path that would have landed him, like, a '6' for this album and doubles down on a few weird song choices that, while they may have something to do with Christmas (it's hard to tell sometimes), they're not familiar Holiday songs. And they gravitate to the more somber, religious side of the spectrum.

Nobody cares about your range, Andy - skip the introspective stuff and just focus on knocking out the recognizable shit. 

'My Favorite Things' makes a random appearance on this album. Not entirely sure why it does, it's not a Christmas song at all. And honestly I can't even listen to this song without thinking of the Nazis trying to hunt down and capture Julie Andrews so they can ship her off to a concentration camp (at least that's what I think happens in the movie, but it's been quite a few years since I've seen that one.) Andy's version is okay, but Mary Poppins definitely did it better.

In summary, there's not a ton wrong with this. If he's guilty of anything here it's recording songs that are done by other people - in the exact same crooning style as them, but not doing it as well as them.  Kinda like when you listen to Greta Van Fleet for a couple songs, who sound exactly like a Led Zeppelin cover band, then turning it off and going, "Okay, now I'm gonna go listen to Led Zeppelin." 

For that reason, I think I'm gonna have to pass on this one. Andy does a decent enough job, but I can't imagine putting any of these songs on any of my Amazon playlists when there are better, similarly-sounding Christmas songs out there to use instead. If I had space for a hundred Holiday records, I could be talked into holding onto this, but Christmas real estate in The Colonel's Record Collection is cutthroat.

Better luck next time, Andy.

VERDICT:  5/10 - Meh (A swing-and-a-miss from one of Christmas' heavyweights. Had he stuck to his guns and played it safe, he could have scored higher on this, but he's got a lot of lesser-known songs on here that hamstring the album's potential.)

- SHELVED-

- Brian

Ep. CXVII: 'Christmas Hymns and Carols' - Mario Lanza

Welcome back, folks. Settle in and grab yourself a Holiday cocktail (and maybe a set of earplugs) for this one . . .

Album Title:  Christmas Hymns and Carols

Album Artist:  Mario Lanza

Another treasure snatched up from Radio Wasteland's Dollar Bin, I picked this up early this year on account of the guy on the cover. Mario Lanza, whom I've never heard of before, looks like the sorta guy that either a.) sells used cars, b.) owns a restaurant in which a bunch of shady mobsters meet regularly in the back room, or c.) records super shitty Christmas albums in a way-too-loud, Italian opera sorta way. Or some combination of these, you never know.

You know those scenes in National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation where Clark Griswold starts to sing, and he's so clearly caught up in the spirit of the Holidays that he belts out whatever he's singing in an operatic tone? And it's clearly meant to be funny (because who in their right mind would legitimately sing like that for real)? 

Well, that's how Mario sings. All the time.

Doesn't matter if it's during a soft, quiet song, doesn't matter if the subject matter doesn't require such a boisterous voice, Mario doesn't give a shit. This dude's dialed up to an '11' at all times and that's what he's going to give you on his Holiday album, Goddamn it. It's not that the guy can't sing - he's an opera singer, he can sing well - it's just that he stomps his foot down on the vocal gas pedal and doesn't let up throughout the entirety of both sides of this record. 

It's exhausting.

This album is mixed well, and the background music (if you can hear it behind Mario's insanely brash voice) is basic but suffices for what it is, I guess. This guy was clearly a star back in the day, and they gave his Holiday album the star treatment for sure - production value is decent enough. I can't just for the life of me can't imagine what the intended target audience was for something like this. 

Nearly all of the songs on here are religious in nature, but there's no way the old, church-going crowd is going to want to listen to this - it's too loud, too intense, and too Italian opera in nature. Church ladies won't find that blasphemous I'm sure. 

The young, hip crowd? No way in hell, they're not going to put up with this guy. Not when Rock and Roll is starting to hit the radio, with all that 'black music' that their parents can't stand. 

I can only assume it's marketed towards half-drunk, Italian housewives, shuffling about their New Jersey houses, decorating for the Holiday Season with a vodka tonic in hand, chain-smoking cigarettes and blasting this album at full volume.

Christ, you can practically smell the Aqua Net and cheap perfume.

VERDICT:  3/10 - Seriously? (All Opera, All The Time does NOT work on a Holiday Album, Mr. Lanza. I need to go lie down for bit. . .)

- SHELVED-

- Brian

Ep. CXVI: 'Christmas at the Organ' - Bibletone

I hope you kids have been good this year, because if you haven't, Bibletone is gonna hear about it, then you're gonna BURN IN THE FIERY PITS OF HELL. . .

Album Title:  Christmas at the Organ

Album Artist:  Bibletone

Not sure where this one came from, but I can't imagine I paid more than a buck for it - this isn't the sort of album you see online and drop good money on. 

When I first saw this in the store, obviously the cover art drew me to it like a moth to a flame (I'm a sucker for cheesy artwork on a Christmas album.) I mean, who decided this picture was perfect for a good, ol' fashioned 'organ n' chime' Holiday record? Why the hell is this little girl looking at that baby like this? Siblings don't look at other siblings like this, so I'm not buying they're members of the same household. Did she ask Santa for a baby for Christmas? Why does she want a baby, what's she gonna do with it? Santa doesn't need to get involved with human trafficking like this, he's got enough shit on his plate to deal with as it is. 

Anyway.

This album is old. Like, really, really old. Even before looking it up online - because I was curious about the label - I knew that this thing was released in the late 1940s. The album is, no joke, probably 300gm at least - it's heavy. When I went online to look more into the good folks at Bibletone, I discovered that they were one of the first American companies to start pressing on 33 1/3 RPM discs, transitioning from the older 78's, and that they also were some of the first to utilize 'Long Playing Records.' But folks, that's about the only good things I can say about Bibletone, and this particular release.

Pioneering as it may have been back in the day, the recording quality here is pretty bad. Granted, it's almost 80 years old, so I'm not faulting the label for the lack of, you know, the science that existed back then. No, I'm faulting them for the subject matter of their recording. 

This whole album sounds like it was recorded at a church piano recital. . . except instead of a normal piano (like you'd see at a normal piano recital) the weird kids that go to this weird church had to use the church's dusty-ass pipe organ. Each of these songs sounds like a novice is playing them - instead of chords being played smoothly, they're mashed down as if by clumsy, little kid fingers. The ear-grating of these pipe explosions is complimented by sporadic bangs on chimes, I assume played by some old lady who also attends said weird church, and offered to accompany the little kids while they played their recital pieces.

The songs presented here are all the usual religious Christmas carols, which isn't too much of a shocker considering the instrumentation of this album and the fact that, you know, it's released by a record label called BIBLEtone. These are all songs that every soul in the country has ingrained in their DNA - we all know these songs by heart, we could recite the lyrics in our sleep at this point. As if doubting this, and the purity of our souls, the good folks over at Bibletone decided to play it safe and include a F***ING HYMNAL in this album.

That's right, folks. A hymnal. With all the lyrics to the included songs.

This was definitely a first for me, I've never come across something like this in an album before. An insert with a bunch of song lyrics? Sure, I've seen that a bunch of times. But a full-blown hymnal, with all the music and lyrics for songs everyone already knows by heart?  That's a whole other level of weirdness. The included pamphlet is about a dozen pages long, and includes all of the carols that appear on this album, along with some  other titles one can purchase from Bibletone (each, I'm sure, feature a free hymnal as well. . . for singing along at home, of course.)

The good folks over at Bibletone have an entire catalog of what I'm sure are stellar, religious albums for sale. In addition to the hymnal, these are also proudly listed on the back of the album sleeve, enticing the music lover with such tantalizing titles as Church Tower Chimes, Wedding Tunes, and Hymns of Gladness. For religious fruitcakes (you know, the ones that hate gays and minorities and vote for orange, treasonous rapists), collecting church albums like this must have been as entertaining as collecting Pokemon is for nerds and virgins.

GOTTA CATCH 'EM ALL.

Jesus . . .  or Charles Manson? 

So in summary, this album was about as lackluster as some of the other 'chimes and organs' I've reviewed over the years. It's boring, it's tired, the production level is straight-up amateur hour, and the record I listened to skipped so bad on Side 2 that my tonearm skipped and shot across the entire disc until it hit the run-out groove, I couldn't even listen to it. I consider this Divine Intervention, folks - God knew I shouldn't be listening to this garbage, even if it was a love letter to Him and his kid.

VERDICT:  2/10 - Reality TV (A relic from a bygone era of religious intolerance, featuring some of the most boring church music ever recorded, as well as a free hymnal for anyone who has grown up in a cave and doesn't know the f***ing lyrics to Christmas carols.)

- SHELVED-

- Brian

Ep. CXV: 'And They Killed Christmas' - Various Artists

Folks, brace yourselves for what may be one of the weirdest releases of this Holiday season. . . 

Album Title:  And They Killed Christmas

Album Artist:  Various Artists

I stumbled across this album a year ago on a site called MerchBar - one of those sites that offers vinyl for dirt cheap, but it may take you, like, six months to get in the mail. I hadn't heard of this particular release before, but I figured with The Vandals on it - and for an insanely low price of $3 - it was kind of a no-brainer. Plus, it's pressed on green vinyl, which, as we all know, makes it sound better.

Anyway, this album may be the most random compilation of music I've ever listened to. I assumed that with The Vandals headlining this baby, we'd have ourselves some kinda snotty, punk-ish album on our hands. Maybe not all the acts on here would come from a punk rock background, but at the very least maybe the lyrics would be snarky or it'd be sort of rock-ish in tone. 

That's not at all what we have here.  I'm not even sure I'm qualified to try and explain this damn thing.

'My First Christmas as a Woman' is exactly what you'd come to expect from The Vandals, most of the cornerstones of punk music, dating back to the early 1980s. The lyrics are hilarious, it sounds like the Vandals doing a Christmas song, and, while it's not one of their better songs by any means, it's not downright awful. If the rest of the album was up to the caliber of this opening track, you'd have yourself a solid '7' on your hands, no doubt about it.

But that's not what we have here at all, folks.

There's a stretch of songs that follow where you get the vibe that they were going with some kind of a punk/rock version of Dr. Demento's Christmas album with this release. 'Aquaclaus' is a decent enough parody of Jethro Tull's Aqualung, replacing the lyrics of the classic original with some shit about Santa or whatever (obviously.)  'X-M@$' is surprisingly good, which is all the more bizarre considering it's from Corey Taylor, whom I believe is the front man from Slipknot (a notoriously shitty band.) Verses are meh, but the chorus sounds like Social Distortion, it's pretty badass. 'Sexy Santa' by Steel Panther is cheesy '80s cock rock - hairspray, guy-liner, and tight, leather pants - just with Christmas-y lyrics (about Santa being sexy, in case you were wondering.) It's not awesome, but for purposes of album filler it's not terrible.

Then everything grinds to a f***ing halt. 

'An Old Fashioned Christmas' by Linda Bennett is some soft pop number from the 1970's that is so sonically out of step here that it's like being doused with a bucket of cold ice water. At first it comes across as just any other Anne Murray Holiday jam (though the woman's vocals twang a bit more), until the dark theme of the song becomes evident: a dad/husband's usual bus (that he always takes home from work) runs head-on into a tree, and there are no survivors. The woman singing - the mom/wife - believes he's been killed, but puts on a brave face for two whiny-ass kids who are all concerned (on Christmas Eve, of course.) This is when the song's inclusion on this particular album becomes obvious. It's not a great song, but it's kinda funny. . . in a macabre sorta way.

The randomness and absurdity explodes on Side U (instead of Side 'A' and 'B,' they went with Side 'F' and 'U'. . . seriously.) 'Silent Nite' is a weird, Butthole's Surfer-inspired, heavy acid trip with a drunken Balrog on vocal duty. I'm not sure who the intended audience is for this song, but drugs are definitely involved. 'Santa's Gonna Kick Your Ass' is a polka number that could have appeared on a novelty Holiday album if it weren't for the Rated R lyrics. Lots of nyuck nyucks abound.

If we were going to base this album solely on concept, I can imagine giving it a '7' - I get what they were trying to do here - but the song choices fall flat a lot of the time. Musically, this thing is so frickin' random that you can't passively listen to it, and you really have to be invested in analyzing the concept (Christmas sucks) to appreciate it. There's no way Kris would ever listen to this.

I think what really sinks this album is the inclusion of songs that are so bad that the producers thought it'd be funny to add them to the track listing. Like, there's nothing comical about the lyrics, they're just bad songs. While I enjoy the 'so bad it's good' trope as much as the next guy, it's not a great idea when compiling a Holiday album. There are three or four songs on this album that were selected because they're comically bad: the previously described 'An Old Fashioned Christmas,' Burt Bacharach's 'The Bell That Couldn't Jingle,' 'Christmas Is (Make it Sweet)' by Bobby Sherman (and a bunch of tone-deaf little kids), and Steve W. Mauldin's 'O Holy Night.' 

One song like this would have been more than enough. Devoting nearly half an album to this 'joke' is overkill.

So, all in all, I think I'm gonna hold on to this one for the time being, but I don't see it getting a lot of spin time. A couple songs on here are okay, but nothing's spectacular - this is more of a comedy album than a punk album (what I thought I was getting), but it's like one of those comedy films where there's a couple scenes that are decent but the jokes seem to fall flat most of the time.

That's not a movie you're going to re-watch a ton of times, guys.

VERDICT:  6/10 - Decent (They leaned in too heavy with the 'so bad it's funny' thing and over-played their hand. I was waaaay too sober for this one. . .)

- SHELVED-

- Brian

Ep. CXIV: 'For Christmas This Year' - The Lettermen

I'm gonna recommend each and every one of you go run to the cabinet real fast and grab yourself a couple of NoDoz real quick before we start this evening's installment, folks. . . 

Album Title:  For Christmas This Year

Album Artist:  The Lettermen

Another solid-gold gem from a Christmas run to Radio Wasteland, this album was a long, long time coming, folks. It was only a matter of time before The Lettermen finally graced my turntable on this Christmas Record Odyssey of mine, and to be honest I'm kinda surprised they haven't already.

If you've never frequented the used records section of your local thrift store (don't worry, its there), you probably can't understand what I'm getting at. You see, when a record collector goes hunting for vinyl, they're presented with some alternatives. First, they can shop online (via Amazon, Discogs, SoundofVinyl, Merchbar, etc.), which usually have the best prices, best availability, etc.  Second, they can head on over to their local record store, which provides the cool atmosphere and the camaraderie of being around other collectors, talking shop and learning more. . . the downside, alas, being prices and availability aren't usually as great as online shopping.

Then there's your third option - they can slum it up in their local shit holes. Flea/antique markets, garage sales, and thrift stores.

This is the Wild West of record collecting, because it's a total crap-shoot with regards to pricing and what you stumble across. Some antique stores think some dusty, scratched up Elvis record is worth $50 just because it's Elvis, all because they don't know shit about record collecting and haven't taken the time to look up the value of it on Discogs. Other times you can hit up a garage sale where some lady just got a divorce and she wants her husband's record collection liquidated. 

I once scored over one hundred albums once for $10 when I had only been collecting for a few years this way, I still remember it. 

Thrift stores are probably the worst place to look, though. This is almost always the absolute dregs of the physical media world, because it houses those albums that other folks have deemed crappy enough to get rid of, but not good enough for other people in society to purchase back from the thrift store. This is the fabled Land of Mantovani, of Mitch Miller, of Lawrence Welk, of The Ames Brothers, of Anne Murray, of Roger Whitaker, and of The Lettermen.

Like I said before, I'm surprised this is the first time I've gotten around to reviewing The Lettermen on here, because this is literally all I've ever seen at thrift stores - their dusty, old bullshit. I was curious to know what the hype (or lack thereof) was all about. So upon dropping the needle on this album, the first thing that hit me was, "Damn, I didn't realize any three vocalists out there could make Three Dog Night sound so f***ing hard. . ." 

This is, without a doubt, the most inoffensive easy listening music I've ever heard. You could play this in front of anyone, at any time: in the middle of church, to your grandparents while they're having sex, to a little kid in the middle of the night while wearing a werewolf mask in order to soothe them back to sleep, you name it. It works on so many levels. 

Now, I should point out real fast that the music itself on this album is straight-up '4' territory - it's boring, but it is competent. This is 'Great Songs of Christmas' music, the kind you''d expect backing Johnny Mathis, Julie Andrews, Andy Williams, etc. - which is also easy listening music, but a few clicks up from these douchebags in terms of 'star power,' I guess.  So I have zero issue with the arrangements on here. . . though I do with some of the song choices - which are so bad where they may be 'originals,' God forbid.) If going by music alone, in fact (like, if it was an instrumental release), I'd probably give this one a '4.' Maybe a '5.'

But Goddamn it all to Hell. . . these vocals.

From Our House to Yours, baby girl. . .

At no point, throughout the entirety of this album, do The Letterman push their voices out of the malaise of background vocals-ish harmonizing.  Not one of these creepy-looking assholes (see picture at right) attempt to 'belt out' any of their songs - not at a chorus, not at a reprise, nothing. There's no variation in the volume of their singing, ever - it's almost like they had to sign some kind of a clause with this record deal where they had to record everything so that it came across as the audio equivalent of mayonnaise. Consequently, all three voices blend together into some kind of nauseating,  Valium cocktail, lulling the listener into a state of near-comatose over the course of twelve songs.

After two sides of such sleepy singing, one almost wishes for the cheesy, over-the-top 'operatic' singing we've previously ridiculed on this blog over the years. If only to snap us out of our induced comas. 

Perhaps if they had drank a cup of coffee (or six) before recording albums like this one here, there wouldn't be so f***ing many of them cluttering up your local thrift store. . .

VERDICT:  3/10 - Seriously? (Do NOT listen to this album while operating heavy machinery.)

- SHELVED-

- Brian

Ep. CXIII: 'Christmas in Tahoe' - Train

Who's got two thumbs and is ready to rate some mediocre, Holiday corporate rock? *points both thumbs at self*  This guy is. . .

Album Title:  Christmas in Tahoe

Album Artist:  Train

For $11, I picked this up on Amazon back in June of 2022. I'm not a fan of Train, but figured since they're a somewhat recognizable band and this thing is pressed on limited-edition, translucent green vinyl, I'd eventually be able to resell it at a later date for probably two or three times that price if I ever needed to.

And guys, it looks like I'm going to need to.

What exactly is the purpose of a boat like this - is it a fishing boat? 

For those of you unfamiliar with this particular band, Train kinda broke out in the late '90s and fell into that 'return-to-rock' niche that emerged during the peak days of nu-metal, alongside bands like, say, Fuel (trying to take the 'real rock' torch from The Black Crowes of the early 90s.) A year or two later, the garage rock revival landed - with bands like The Strokes, The White Stripes, and The Hives - mercifully saving mankind from nu-metal once and for all. . . and consequently side-lining bands like Train that were prancing around in leather bands and unbuttoned shirts, trying to be The Stones.

Re-branding themselves in order to stay in the limelight, bands like Train softened their sound and became more approachable. Songs about cocaine were switched to songs about getting lost in some chick's eyes. Instead of being the CD a true rock fan would reach for while driving around in his car, this is the sort of CD he could find in his girlfriend's car. (That girl, by the way, is a preppy, sorority type, but she saw the video of their one song on MTV and liked the chorus hook. . . and she is dating a rock guy, after all. Just to get back at her dad.)

Anyway, the band itself is good for what it does. . . I just don't care for it.  Can the vocalist sing well?  100%, he's got a good voice.  Is the band tight?  You bet, they've been around for, like, 25 years.  For fans of friendly, clean radio rock fine-tuned by music executives - One Republic, Imagine Dragons, etc. - this Holiday album is probably a no-brainer.  

And that's exactly whom I'm hoping will buy this album from me. 

So, let's play Devil's Advocate here for a sec and imagine that Yours Truly used to like Train back in the day and picked this up for nostalgic purposes.  Would this Holiday album work?  Maybe. While the singer has impressive range, and the band is clearly talented on their respective instruments, they fail to make any of these songs theirs. They come across like some hired Wedding Band, being handed a list of Christmas songs the Bride wants performed at her wedding (why she wants to have Christmas music performed at her wedding is beyond any of us at this point.) This album has the energy of sober karaoke performed by people who were dragged up onto the stage by their drunken friends, and are clearly keeping an eye on the exit.

There are some original songs on here, but none of them deliver - it all sounds like radio rock (soft and inoffensive) performed by a band that last had a hit, like, over a decade ago. There's no identity in this music, no soul, no fire inside the musicians - the entire two records sound like its been done by a cover band. These songs will be forgotten immediately, never receive widespread radio play (if any), and will never once be covered by amateur or professional alike.  

The moral of this story, kids, is that if you're going to make a cover album, you need to bring something to the table that makes the songs your own. We're to the point where Holiday albums are a blank canvas where artists can pick and choose the public domain titles they want to cover. So one is free to craft and shape the Holiday album of their choice, there's no excuse for something like this particular album. You need to put your heart and soul into it, because true music fans can tell in a heartbeat when you're just calling it in in order to pick up a paycheck.

VERDICT:  6/10 - Decent (A washed up band from the early 2000s bring their corporate rock sound to the stage in order to deliver cover band -quality renditions of Holiday favorites. . . and a few uninspired originals. It gets a couple points because the band is clearly talented, and at no point at all is this album terrible, but its overall soullessness speaks volumes and prohibits me from every listening to this ever again.)

- SHELVED- 

- Brian

Ep. CXII: 'Weihnachten mit Heintje' - Heintje

Prepare thyselves for an auditory journey back through time, back to festive Cold War Europe. . . .

Album Title:  Weihnachten mit Heintje

Album Artist:  Heintje

So obviously this was purchased because I figured it was going to be a total train wreck right out of the gate. I mean, just look at this thing:  a.) it's clearly a German album and will feature tons of comically awful German singing, b.) it features a boy with arguably the most punchable face in existence as its cover model, and c.) it cost a whopping $3 from Radio Wasteland. One could assume that what we'd find here is a lot of warbling (in German), some poorly-mixed church service type arrangements, and - boy, if we're lucky - some creepy childrens choirs doing background vocal work.

Kinda hard to pass up something this promising, folks.

Upon dropping the needle, one's met with a woman gently singing 'Silent Night' (though, in German, we spell that all weird in the track listing.) Song itself isn't horrible, it is what it is. . . a German woman singing 'Silent Night.' In German. She can carry a tune (in German), and the musical accompaniment itself is your run-of-the-mill arrangement, so this is just more of the usual Holiday background music.  Just, you know, in a foreign language.

But that's where the Christmas train stops, folks. The following songs on this album (aside from the old 'O Tannenbaum,' which I believe is Germanic in origin anyway) don't sound like any other Christmas song I've ever heard of before, and not only because they're sung in German. I don't even think these are church songs, I have no idea what they're doing on a Holiday album at all. These could be songs about hiking in the Alps, or driving a car down the Autobahn on a Sunday afternoon, or rounding up an entire race of people based on their religious views and carting them off into Poland in order to contribute to your ongoing war effort (before 'disappearing.')

You know, German stuff.

Then, for reasons unknown, we have 'Ba Ba Black Sheep.' Or 'Twinkle, Twinkle Litter Star,' or 'The Alphabet Song.' Take your pic, guys, it's all the same f***ing melody. Regardless of which of these three songs this lady is singing (because I'm too lazy to look any of this up in Google Translate), this song is just bad. They wheeled out a bunch of Aryan Nation youth to sing background vocals on this, and little children singing in German isn't something that ever needs to be recorded. These kids could very well be the most angelic little cherubs that God ever placed on this Earth, but when singing in German?  Hell no, it scares the shit out of me. Even worse when it's children's tunes like this.

Which begs the question, why was this included on this frickin' Christmas album in the first place?

Well, aside from the opening track on Side A - where someone on the volume slider goes a little goofy fading into a barrage of ringing Christmas bells, as if Quasimodo himself was all hopped up on coke and going ape-shit up in the rafters of some stuffy, church bell tower - the production value on this album is surprisingly decent.  The vocals and instruments are balanced, the songs fade in and out as they should, and the arrangements themselves (for the most part, excluding a couple I'll mention here in a bit) are satisfactory.

Folks, this album was definitely produced by someone with money, which got me curious and led me to look up this album on the ol' Internet.

Holy shit, folks.

Nice turtleneck shirt you got there, Franz.

Turns out what I had assumed was a German Woman singing is, in fact, a Belgian Boy.  The same boy (with the aforementioned punchable face) that graces the album cover. Not a woman at all, but a Cold War era teen idol of sorts. Apparently this poorly-named Heintje made a crap-load of pop-friendly albums back in the mid-60s to mid-70s, and was immensely popular in foreign markets. Like, all the rage in early '70s China, if you can believe that. I guess more power to him - he found himself a niche making shitty pop albums in German, Dutch, and Belgian languages.

But, like the atrocities carried out by The Fatherland during World War II, this 'Christmas' album is inexcusable.

VERDICT:  4/10 - Borophyll (I was going to rate this higher - like, maybe a '5' - but there aren't nearly enough recognizable Christmas songs on here. While not terrible, per se, this ain't Cold War Germany, this is 'Merica - and in this country we like our Christmas albums Supersized with Holiday jams, Heintje.)

- SHELVED-

- Brian