Ep. CXII: 'Weihnachten mit Heintje' - Heintje

Prepare thyselves for an auditory journey back through time, back to festive Cold War Europe. . . .

Album Title:  Weihnachten mit Heintje

Album Artist:  Heintje

So obviously this was purchased because I figured it was going to be a total train wreck right out of the gate. I mean, just look at this thing:  a.) it's clearly a German album and will feature tons of comically awful German singing, b.) it features a boy with arguably the most punchable face in existence as its cover model, and c.) it cost a whopping $3 from Radio Wasteland. One could assume that what we'd find here is a lot of warbling (in German), some poorly-mixed church service type arrangements, and - boy, if we're lucky - some creepy childrens choirs doing background vocal work.

Kinda hard to pass up something this promising, folks.

Upon dropping the needle, one's met with a woman gently singing 'Silent Night' (though, in German, we spell that all weird in the track listing.) Song itself isn't horrible, it is what it is. . . a German woman singing 'Silent Night.' In German. She can carry a tune (in German), and the musical accompaniment itself is your run-of-the-mill arrangement, so this is just more of the usual Holiday background music.  Just, you know, in a foreign language.

But that's where the Christmas train stops, folks. The following songs on this album (aside from the old 'O Tannenbaum,' which I believe is Germanic in origin anyway) don't sound like any other Christmas song I've ever heard of before, and not only because they're sung in German. I don't even think these are church songs, I have no idea what they're doing on a Holiday album at all. These could be songs about hiking in the Alps, or driving a car down the Autobahn on a Sunday afternoon, or rounding up an entire race of people based on their religious views and carting them off into Poland in order to contribute to your ongoing war effort (before 'disappearing.')

You know, German stuff.

Then, for reasons unknown, we have 'Ba Ba Black Sheep.' Or 'Twinkle, Twinkle Litter Star,' or 'The Alphabet Song.' Take your pic, guys, it's all the same f***ing melody. Regardless of which of these three songs this lady is singing (because I'm too lazy to look any of this up in Google Translate), this song is just bad. They wheeled out a bunch of Aryan Nation youth to sing background vocals on this, and little children singing in German isn't something that ever needs to be recorded. These kids could very well be the most angelic little cherubs that God ever placed on this Earth, but when singing in German?  Hell no, it scares the shit out of me. Even worse when it's children's tunes like this.

Which begs the question, why was this included on this frickin' Christmas album in the first place?

Well, aside from the opening track on Side A - where someone on the volume slider goes a little goofy fading into a barrage of ringing Christmas bells, as if Quasimodo himself was all hopped up on coke and going ape-shit up in the rafters of some stuffy, church bell tower - the production value on this album is surprisingly decent.  The vocals and instruments are balanced, the songs fade in and out as they should, and the arrangements themselves (for the most part, excluding a couple I'll mention here in a bit) are satisfactory.

Folks, this album was definitely produced by someone with money, which got me curious and led me to look up this album on the ol' Internet.

Holy shit, folks.

Nice turtleneck shirt you got there, Franz.

Turns out what I had assumed was a German Woman singing is, in fact, a Belgian Boy.  The same boy (with the aforementioned punchable face) that graces the album cover. Not a woman at all, but a Cold War era teen idol of sorts. Apparently this poorly-named Heintje made a crap-load of pop-friendly albums back in the mid-60s to mid-70s, and was immensely popular in foreign markets. Like, all the rage in early '70s China, if you can believe that. I guess more power to him - he found himself a niche making shitty pop albums in German, Dutch, and Belgian languages.

But, like the atrocities carried out by The Fatherland during World War II, this 'Christmas' album is inexcusable.

VERDICT:  4/10 - Borophyll (I was going to rate this higher - like, maybe a '5' - but there aren't nearly enough recognizable Christmas songs on here. While not terrible, per se, this ain't Cold War Germany, this is 'Merica - and in this country we like our Christmas albums Supersized with Holiday jams, Heintje.)

- SHELVED-

- Brian

Ep. CVIII: 'Swingle Bells' - Various Artists

Welcome back to the Odyssey. Grab a drink, guys - you're gonna need it for this one. . .

Album Title:  Swingle Bells

Album Artist:  Various Artists

A quick glance at this one, one is immediately struck by the 'clever' play on words, Swingle Bells. You know, 'Jingle Bells'. . . buuuuuut with some kind of a 'swing' element thrown in. So when I saw this one at Radio Wasteland last weekend (this one I snatched up recently), I figured this was too good to pass up. 

I mean, 'swing' could mean several, different things. Perhaps it's the sort of swing from the 1940s, the Glenn Miller variety. Or it could also mean 'swing' in the 1960s, pop way (a la Ray Conniff, etc.) Maybe some kinda Hooked on Swing sorta thing, who knows.

But then one's eyes are drawn to the rainbow coloring of the text, and 'swingle' suddenly takes on a whole, different meaning all together. Perhaps, dear readers, 'swing' in this sense is a Saturday night party, in some South Florida gated community, where a bunch of older guys get together, drink a lot of bad things, and do lots of gross stuff to one another. Underneath the mistletoe, of course - this is a Christmas album. 

I mean honestly, this could go in a lot of different directions, folks.

Yet, now that I'm listening to it, I still don't know what to make of this album.

First things first, these aren't legit artists - if they were, they'd have their name on the front cover (or, at the very least, credited next to the songs on the track listing on the back.) No, this is like an eight-person a cappella group (too shitty to even have a frickin' name) but backed by a stripped down band of - I assume - local studio musicians. The production value of this album, while certainly not setting anyone back in terms of 'paying for talent,' is at least mixed well.

And that, dear readers, is about the only thing that this weird, weird album has going for it.

What I've learned this evening is that there is, indeed, such as thing as too much 'swing.'

The singers on this album can definitely carry a tune, so there's nothing to complain about in terms of their actual voices, per se, but rather it's the manner in which they're wielding these voices of theirs that's the issue.  There's a lot of scat-singing (I'd say 'scatting' here, but I think that has to do with animal poop or something), which actually outranks yodeling on the Most Annoying Singing Styles Scale. 

Like, why use words when you can just sing 'bum-bum-ba-dum dum, biddy-biddy-dabba-babba' and crap like that to the tune of Christmas carols?

What the f***.

Technically, there's only like eleven tracks on this particular album, but most of these are medleys, which means the overly-jazzy, full-swinging scat-singing usually stops after the first leg of the medley and then abruptly transitions into a church choir singing softly and quietly the unintelligible lyrics to some European peasant carol. You literally go from go-go dancing to German monks singing in crumbling cathedrals in only a handful of measures. Call it a medley if you want, but I think it's more accurately referred to as a shitshow.

"Thank you coming to this evening's performance.  Have a safe drive home."

Want a feeling for what this album sounds like? Pretend you and your date are going out to your local Community College for a Thursday evening (yes, Thursday evening) musical program, back in the mid-'60s. Neither of you attend said Community College, nor do you know anyone who goes there, but admission is only $2 and what the hell, right?  Well, it's the Holiday season, so you're expecting to hear some Christmas songs (that's a no-brainer) so after you guys pick up some complimentary hot chocolates and take your seats (first come first serve, folks), the 'show' starts. 

The theater and music clubs that put this on then take the stage, all dressed in black turtlenecks. There's interpretive dance, there's a small collection of beatnik musicians at the rear of the stage (all clearly high as kites), and there's a lot of spoken word deliverance between the music numbers, delivered by angry-looking women who seem to hate the Holidays just as much as they hate the Patriarchy. 

At the end of the evening, on the drive home, your date doesn't say a f***ing word to you. And you never hear from them again.

Sound like fun?  Of course it doesn't.

VERDICT:  3/10 - Seriously? (Turns out 'scat' does mean shit.)

- SHELVED-

- Brian

Ep. LXXVII: 'Christmas Around the World' - Svend Saaby Choir

 Well folks, it looks like we're about to get some multi-cultural Christmas spirit up in here this evening.  Hold on to your butts. . . 

Album Title:  Christmas Around the World

Album Artist:  Svend Saaby Choir

Okay, first things first:  you can't really call an album Christmas Around the World when the only nations you're pulling jams from is White People Countries.  If you're gonna call it anything, call it Christmas Around Europe (feat. USA.)  And don't give me that bullshit about "wElL tHoSe ArE tHe OnLy CoUnTrIeS tHaT cElEBrAtE cHrIsTmAs."  Most Latin American countries do, too.  So do Eastern European countries, for that matter.  And a shit-load of Asia.

For f***'s sake, people.

Secondofly, let's not give any false impression here concerning the 'Christmas' songs that are being pulled from around the world.  The album promises, one would think, songs that culturally summarize the nation they hail from.  For example, this 'Good King Wenceslas,' from England - that one makes sense, 100%.  It sounds rather English, I should think.

But what about the American song?  When you think 'America,' dear readers, what Christmas selections come to mind?  Are you thinking it might be something classic and rock n' roll at heart, like 'Run Rudolph Run,' by Chuck motherf***ing Berry?  Or some other fun Holiday jam that highlights everything that is America ("I Wanna Hippopotamus for Christmas," perhaps?)

Just look at these. . . . classics.

Nope.  The good ol' U.S. of A. instead brought to the table two lackluster pieces - 'O, Little Town of Bethlehem' and 'Rise Up, Shepherd.'  For Christ's sake, I haven't even heard of that latter one.

I neglected to put two and two together when purchasing this album (I think from Radio Wasteland, but who knows), but all it is a collection of boring church carols.  Some you've heard of, others you haven't.  Now, technically these are Christmas songs, fine. . . but there's nothing fun to be had, here.  I don't care what language the choir is singing in, it's still a boring church service, and there's nothing anyone can do about it.  There's a fun little Spanish song on Side 2, I guess, but it's like 45 seconds long. . . then you're right back to where you started.  Trying not to doze off in church.

What kinda irritates me with this compilation is that it's a cool concept that had lot of promise at one point, but instead ended up getting slathered in blandness.  Instead of selecting songs that highlight the culture of every country, they select songs that all sound the same (boring church arrangements) and then just have the choir  - oh, yes, it's the same choir for all the songs on this release - sing the songs in different languages.  The Svend Saaby Choir, ladies and gentlemen.  They're not even professional singers - just folks who like singin'.

Good grief.

I mean, how cool would it be to have, say, 'Run Rudolph Run' for the U.S. of A, 'Good King Wenceslas' by England, 'Feliz Navidad' by Mexico (I assume), then a bunch of random-ass jams that represent the Holidays in other countries from Nigeria to Japan?  I'd spend money on that, for sure.  I'm sure some of those tracks would be straight-up garbage, but it'd be a hell of an entertaining listen at least.

Not like this empty shell of a once-intriguing idea, all crammed up with your grandparents' favorite church music.

VERDICT:  3/10 - Seriously? (Behold - The Blands Across the World.  I was gonna give this a '4' for just being boring, but I'm slightly irritated with this release 'cause it was a pretty cool concept that they just frickin' botched all to hell.)

- SHELVED -

- Brian