Ep. CXVI: 'Christmas at the Organ' - Bibletone

I hope you kids have been good this year, because if you haven't, Bibletone is gonna hear about it, then you're gonna BURN IN THE FIERY PITS OF HELL. . .

Album Title:  Christmas at the Organ

Album Artist:  Bibletone

Not sure where this one came from, but I can't imagine I paid more than a buck for it - this isn't the sort of album you see online and drop good money on. 

When I first saw this in the store, obviously the cover art drew me to it like a moth to a flame (I'm a sucker for cheesy artwork on a Christmas album.) I mean, who decided this picture was perfect for a good, ol' fashioned 'organ n' chime' Holiday record? Why the hell is this little girl looking at that baby like this? Siblings don't look at other siblings like this, so I'm not buying they're members of the same household. Did she ask Santa for a baby for Christmas? Why does she want a baby, what's she gonna do with it? Santa doesn't need to get involved with human trafficking like this, he's got enough shit on his plate to deal with as it is. 

Anyway.

This album is old. Like, really, really old. Even before looking it up online - because I was curious about the label - I knew that this thing was released in the late 1940s. The album is, no joke, probably 300gm at least - it's heavy. When I went online to look more into the good folks at Bibletone, I discovered that they were one of the first American companies to start pressing on 33 1/3 RPM discs, transitioning from the older 78's, and that they also were some of the first to utilize 'Long Playing Records.' But folks, that's about the only good things I can say about Bibletone, and this particular release.

Pioneering as it may have been back in the day, the recording quality here is pretty bad. Granted, it's almost 80 years old, so I'm not faulting the label for the lack of, you know, the science that existed back then. No, I'm faulting them for the subject matter of their recording. 

This whole album sounds like it was recorded at a church piano recital. . . except instead of a normal piano (like you'd see at a normal piano recital) the weird kids that go to this weird church had to use the church's dusty-ass pipe organ. Each of these songs sounds like a novice is playing them - instead of chords being played smoothly, they're mashed down as if by clumsy, little kid fingers. The ear-grating of these pipe explosions is complimented by sporadic bangs on chimes, I assume played by some old lady who also attends said weird church, and offered to accompany the little kids while they played their recital pieces.

The songs presented here are all the usual religious Christmas carols, which isn't too much of a shocker considering the instrumentation of this album and the fact that, you know, it's released by a record label called BIBLEtone. These are all songs that every soul in the country has ingrained in their DNA - we all know these songs by heart, we could recite the lyrics in our sleep at this point. As if doubting this, and the purity of our souls, the good folks over at Bibletone decided to play it safe and include a F***ING HYMNAL in this album.

That's right, folks. A hymnal. With all the lyrics to the included songs.

This was definitely a first for me, I've never come across something like this in an album before. An insert with a bunch of song lyrics? Sure, I've seen that a bunch of times. But a full-blown hymnal, with all the music and lyrics for songs everyone already knows by heart?  That's a whole other level of weirdness. The included pamphlet is about a dozen pages long, and includes all of the carols that appear on this album, along with some  other titles one can purchase from Bibletone (each, I'm sure, feature a free hymnal as well. . . for singing along at home, of course.)

The good folks over at Bibletone have an entire catalog of what I'm sure are stellar, religious albums for sale. In addition to the hymnal, these are also proudly listed on the back of the album sleeve, enticing the music lover with such tantalizing titles as Church Tower Chimes, Wedding Tunes, and Hymns of Gladness. For religious fruitcakes (you know, the ones that hate gays and minorities and vote for orange, treasonous rapists), collecting church albums like this must have been as entertaining as collecting Pokemon is for nerds and virgins.

GOTTA CATCH 'EM ALL.

Jesus . . .  or Charles Manson? 

So in summary, this album was about as lackluster as some of the other 'chimes and organs' I've reviewed over the years. It's boring, it's tired, the production level is straight-up amateur hour, and the record I listened to skipped so bad on Side 2 that my tonearm skipped and shot across the entire disc until it hit the run-out groove, I couldn't even listen to it. I consider this Divine Intervention, folks - God knew I shouldn't be listening to this garbage, even if it was a love letter to Him and his kid.

VERDICT:  2/10 - Reality TV (A relic from a bygone era of religious intolerance, featuring some of the most boring church music ever recorded, as well as a free hymnal for anyone who has grown up in a cave and doesn't know the f***ing lyrics to Christmas carols.)

- SHELVED-

- Brian

Ep. CIII: 'Hi-Fi Organ and Chimes at Christmastime: Familiar Favorites' - Norman Roye

 Welcome back to the Holliest, Jolliest, Musically-Snobbiest corner of Cyberspace. . .

Album Title:  Hi-Fi Organ and Chimes at Christmastime: Familiar Favorites

Album Artist:  Norman Roye

This is the sleepiest Holiday album I've listened to in quite some time. 

If you're a big fan of church organ, you'd probably love this one.  It seriously sounds like they just had an elderly guy - by the name of Norman Roye - walk in to a church, sit down at a church organ (and not just any church organ, mind you, but an Electronic Wurlizter) with a stack of Christmas sheet music, and start playing.  The sound engineer hit the 'record' button, the reels started spinning, and he stepped outside to have a cigarette (you know, because they frown at smoking inside a church.)  At one point, an old lady that works at the church decided to 'help out' and hit a chime a few times with a mallet.  Because the Spirit of Christmas.

"How long do you guys want me to keep playing this stuff?" the old man asks, wiping sweat off his liver-spotted, bald head.

"Until the reels stop, Norm," the sound engineer says, coming back in from his smoke break, "Just keep playing."

And so the old man, Norm, shrugs and continues playing what is quite possibly the most boring arrangements of these Christmas songs in existence.  The old man approaches this with mathematical efficiency:  he plays the sheet music as if he's doing chores, so technically it sounds like Christmas music, but in the way that a Christmas song sounds in an elevator.  

After reading through the back liner notes - who doesn't love liner notes - I've discovered that Norm is actually a 'young Canadian born American organist,' and not an old man.  I think this makes this worse, actually - someone young should have put more fire behind their playing, because this seriously sounds like someone dying in Wurlitzer-form.  Maybe that's the Canadian in him, I don't know.

VERDICT:  2/10 - Reality TV (Quite possibly the most boring album ever recorded by a 'young Canadian born American.'  I've been more enthralled watching my wife's under-watered plants slowly die on our kitchen window sill.)

- SHELVED-

- Brian