Ep. CXVII: 'Christmas Hymns and Carols' - Mario Lanza

Welcome back, folks. Settle in and grab yourself a Holiday cocktail (and maybe a set of earplugs) for this one . . .

Album Title:  Christmas Hymns and Carols

Album Artist:  Mario Lanza

Another treasure snatched up from Radio Wasteland's Dollar Bin, I picked this up early this year on account of the guy on the cover. Mario Lanza, whom I've never heard of before, looks like the sorta guy that either a.) sells used cars, b.) owns a restaurant in which a bunch of shady mobsters meet regularly in the back room, or c.) records super shitty Christmas albums in a way-too-loud, Italian opera sorta way. Or some combination of these, you never know.

You know those scenes in National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation where Clark Griswold starts to sing, and he's so clearly caught up in the spirit of the Holidays that he belts out whatever he's singing in an operatic tone? And it's clearly meant to be funny (because who in their right mind would legitimately sing like that for real)? 

Well, that's how Mario sings. All the time.

Doesn't matter if it's during a soft, quiet song, doesn't matter if the subject matter doesn't require such a boisterous voice, Mario doesn't give a shit. This dude's dialed up to an '11' at all times and that's what he's going to give you on his Holiday album, Goddamn it. It's not that the guy can't sing - he's an opera singer, he can sing well - it's just that he stomps his foot down on the vocal gas pedal and doesn't let up throughout the entirety of both sides of this record. 

It's exhausting.

This album is mixed well, and the background music (if you can hear it behind Mario's insanely brash voice) is basic but suffices for what it is, I guess. This guy was clearly a star back in the day, and they gave his Holiday album the star treatment for sure - production value is decent enough. I can't just for the life of me can't imagine what the intended target audience was for something like this. 

Nearly all of the songs on here are religious in nature, but there's no way the old, church-going crowd is going to want to listen to this - it's too loud, too intense, and too Italian opera in nature. Church ladies won't find that blasphemous I'm sure. 

The young, hip crowd? No way in hell, they're not going to put up with this guy. Not when Rock and Roll is starting to hit the radio, with all that 'black music' that their parents can't stand. 

I can only assume it's marketed towards half-drunk, Italian housewives, shuffling about their New Jersey houses, decorating for the Holiday Season with a vodka tonic in hand, chain-smoking cigarettes and blasting this album at full volume.

Christ, you can practically smell the Aqua Net and cheap perfume.

VERDICT:  3/10 - Seriously? (All Opera, All The Time does NOT work on a Holiday Album, Mr. Lanza. I need to go lie down for bit. . .)

- SHELVED-

- Brian

Ep. VII: 'Great Songs of Christmas, Vol. 1-5' - Various Artists

 Today's going to be a little bit different, folks - I'm going to review FIVE different albums all at once.  Tighten your festive X-Mas pants, America. . .

Album Title:  Great Songs of Christmas, Volumes 1 - 5

Album Artist:  Various Artists 

Volume 1

Volume 2

Volume 3

Volume 4

Volume 5

Granny's calling card

This series of albums from 'The Great Artists of Our Time' come from the great folks at Columbia Records, and could very well comprise a box set of their own.  I own the first five volumes of this series, and, honestly, I've amassed them from a variety of places over the years.  I determine this based solely on the fact that Volume 1 in this series is clearly marked in glorious calligraphy, which - if you've been following this Great Christmas Record Odyssey of mine over the course of the last week or so - is a clear calling card of Granny Hough.

Here's a couple of creepy-ass cherubs for you.  Enjoy.

Other volumes in the series, however, lack this distinctive marking, and since I definitely didn't go out of my way to buy any of these records, I can only assume they were part of bulk scores from garage sales, thrift stores, or from my days working as a marketing manager at a consignment shop (scored tons of vinyl that way.)  Anyway, regardless of where these particular albums come from, they all share one thing in common:  they are all easily forgettable.

As with some of the other late '50s/early '60s compilations I've reviewed so far this season, this series from Columbia Records is beyond dated.  This is background music that begins to all sound the same after awhile, and it's pretty boring to listen to.  Case in point:  while Kris was cooking in the kitchen this afternoon, she came back into the living room to ask me to change the record.

"Can we listen to something else?" she asked, "I feel like we've been listening to this one on repeat."

No, spouse, we haven't - we've listened to FOUR albums in a row.  But yes:  they all sound exactly the same.

You'll notice that some of these rosters carry over from one volume to another.  Check it out:

Volume 1

Volume 2

Volume 3

Volume 4

Volume 5

These albums definitely have a tone to them, too.  Most of the men on these songs sing in an almost operatic bellowing (think Pavarotti, folks), which is great sparingly, but a full album of it gets old.  Quick.  Meanwhile, the women do this sorta purr/cooing thing that was real big back then.   The arrangements are more 'churchy' than you'd come to expect from a mainstream popular music compilation, but, then again, this was a different era, and while the rebellious youth were out cruising around listening to 'Rebel Rouser' and 'Louie Louie,' their parents were listening to these Greatest Artists.

That being said, I wish the Kingsmen would have recorded a Christmas album.  I bet it'd sound as awesome as those two stand-alone Holiday tracks from the Sonics.

Oh well.

VERDICT:  4/10 - Borophyll (An overall score for all five albums, as they are definitely easily forgettable.  And make me sleepy.)

- SHELVED -