Ep. L: ' A Very Merry Christmas: Western and Country Style' - The McCoy Family

 Alright, time for another session of Holiday snobbery. . .

Album Title:  A Very Merry Christmas: Western and Country Style

Album Artist:  The McCoy Family

You know, at first, I couldn't really put my finger on what was rubbing me the wrong way about this album.  I snatched it up at a thrift store about a month ago, saw 'Country Western' and 'Christmas' across the front, and thought, "well shit, that's a no-brainer right there."

Not so fast, November Brian.

Yours Truly seriously needs to start reading the fine print when it comes to some of these Holiday albums - like a jackass, I just kinda snatched it up after reading the cover and checking the LP's surface (for glossiness, scratches, scuffs, etc.)  Shame on me, then, because this album is a lie.

This isn't a Country/Western collection at all:  these are mainstream studio musicians, singing with forced 'country' accents, adding a couple different musical instruments that sound 'honky tonky' into their usual arrangements, and trying to pass it off as the Real Deal.

(The first indicator that this was a blatant imposter would have been the phrase 'Western and Country' - everybody knows it's called Country and Western, or, more commonly, Country/Western.'

This is a pre-meditated farce, pandering to those who like that style of music.  And I'm offended.

I mean, c'mon - how hard would it have been for the producers of this collection to go out and hire some authentic country musicians?  Hell, if they didn't want to roll out the big bucks for the Johnny Cashes, Loretta Lynns, and George Joneses of the world, they could've at least stacked this album with a bunch of fourth-tier acts (like we previously saw with this lil' gem, if you'll be so good to remember.)  And if that didn't work, they could've scouted out a random small town act at a state fair or barn dance.

But no.

No, these producers didn't want to mess around with any of that.  Some higher-ups were probably sitting around a boardroom, strategizing about how to make a quick buck off of a Holiday album release on the cheap, and one of them said something along the lines of, "why don't we just use our in-house guys and cut the record for nothing?"

"Our boys aren't a country act, Jim.  They recorded 'Hang On Sloopy,' that ain't 'country.'"

"Well Jesus, Steve, just buy a couple a' banjoes and have 'em sing with Dixie accents or something.  I mean, if all them slack-jawed idiots down South can do it, how hard could it be?"

"You gotta point there, Jim.  I like the cut of your jib."

. . . and so on and so forth.

So, in conclusion, this album is a lie, and, while not horrible in any sense, it's overly-polished arrangements, plastic sensibility, and lack of authenticity drives it down into the realm of nearly unforgivable.

Shame on you, Steve and Jim.  Shame on you both.

VERDICT:  4/10 - Borophyll (This is what happens when the corporate world thinks it can music.)

- SHELVED -

Ep. XLIX: 'A Jolly Christmas' - Frank Sinatra

Happy Holidays, America.  We're gonna delve into a classic today. . .

Album Title:  A Jolly Christmas

Album Artist:  Frank Sinatra

What the hell can you say about Frank Sinatra?  He's probably the coolest man that has ever existed, and I guarantee your grandmother has fantasized about him.

Perhaps that's a bit too much for the Christmas season, but. . . yeah, she probably has.

Sinatra is a legend in his own right, and every male singer for decades had to perform in his shadow.  His extensive catalog of Christmas songs - such as the ones collected on this repressing - are so ingrained in popular culture that even without ever owning this album before, I knew all of the songs on here.  All of them.  That's impressive.

This is jazzy enough to play at a party, yet subtle enough that you could listen to it while relaxing next to a fire.  There's a mix of religious carols and festive favorites, and if there's any fault to be found here is that there's not more songs, like you have on the expanded double-LP (which can be found here.)

(Yes, I'm buying that next.)

When every song you record on an album is a bonafide classic, it's hard to find fault with anything.  Sinatra's arrangements, vocal range, and knack for song selection is uncanny.  I couldn't possibly give the man anything less than a '9,' because he's Frank frickin' Sinatra.  If you don't like Frank Sinatra, I don't think I can be cool with you.

He does get docked a solitary point for the sole reason that this album isn't fit for all occasions (most, but not all.)  In his defense, though, very few albums are.

VERDICT:  9/10 - Cowabunga! (This album needs to be a mandatory addition to everyone's Holiday music collection.  Like, enforce this shit by law or something.)

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Ep. XLVIII: 'I Love Christmas' - Various Artists

Seasons Greetings, y'all.  Let's get some jams goin' here. . .

Album Title:  I Love Christmas

Album Artist:  Various Artists

Okay, you know what, I'm just gonna go ahead and say it:  this music is so f***ing cartoon-y it ought to have some kind of label across the front cover that says "Recorded in Glorious Technicolor."

God help me.

I don't think very many 'artists' on this album had waded into the waters of puberty at the date of recording (they're probably all in their 50s now.)  This is a Lord of the Flies Christmas - children's choirs, children soloists, and only a handful of post-pubescent singers (Skeeter Davis, Roy Rogers, Florence Henderson, Spike Jones doing that Dr. Demento's Christmas favorite, 'All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth,' etc.) bother making an appearance.

This really isn't the sort of record one puts on while trying to seduce a sweater-wearing, egg nog-sipping, young lady in front of some crackling yule logs.  This is the sort of record you intentionally put on to calm down a preggosaurus rex while she's in the deep throws of a 'get this f***ing thing out of me already' meltdown.  'Cause won't having kids someday be nice?? Or maybe when you're trying to calm down a roost-full of candy cane-fueled toddlers tearing around your living room.

Either way.

So is offering downright terrible?  No, no it's not.  This is a children's album, so you know what you're getting, more or less.  Not a lot of surprises, here.  The adult singers are delivering in the most monotone, calm voices they can muster ('cause, you never know, it could be nap time), and the children's choirs are singing with as much cherubic charm they can muster.  If you want Children's Christmas music, you might be okay with this.

Florence Henderson and Roy Rogers are kinda creepy, but. . . whatever.  I guess they're not nearly as creepy as the sinister-looking little girl on the album cover, employing a vice grip on a dead koala.

I love Christmas.

VERDICT:  5/10 - Meh (It's a children's Christmas album.  While not necessarily horrible, I have far better ones in my collection.)

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Ep. XLVII: 'Great Songs for All Seasons' - Arthur Fiedler & The Boston Pops

 Hi again, music lovers.

We can't get ourselves any frickin' snow it seems, but we can sure as hell nab ourselves some audio nerdery. . .

Album Title:  An Evening with Arthur Fiedler & The Boston Pops:  Great Songs for ALL SEASONS

Album Artist:  Arthur Fiedler & The Boston Pops

They went out of their way to convince you, right out of the gate, that this album could be played year-round.  Check out the All Caps work in the title.  I definitely overlooked this fact when purchasing it at Radio Wasteland last month (for $2, mind you), and assumed, since it was in their Christmas section, it was a Holiday album.

And it sort of is.

Upon placing this on my turntable, however, I soon realized why this was advertised as music for ALL SEASONS:  the entirety of Side A is NOT Christmas music.

What.  The.  Hell.

Instead, we have your usual pickings of '70s Easy Listening fan favorites.  "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head," "What the World Needs Now is Love," etc. - Arthur Fiedler, like EVERYONE ELSE in the '70s, apparently can't get enough of Burt f***ing Bacharach.

Those two songs alone appear on probably 90% of every thrift store album one comes across, which leads me to believe that Mr. Bacharach was commonly believed back then to be the second coming of Christ.

His songs creep into every nook and cranny of mainstream music, forcing their way onto compilation LPs and demanding to be heard, like some drunk guy who shows up at a party uninvited.


I don't care for Burt Bacharach, and his presence here is not a welcome one.

So Side A, long story short, is a wash.  It sucks.  If you're a fan of listening to instrumental versions of 'classic' '70s Easy Listening, then you'll probably dig it, but that's not a genre I'm a fan of.

Side B, however, is Christmas music, and is done in Fiedler's typical 'pops' orchestral arrangements (listen to any orchestral offering that ends with '. . .Goes Pop' and you'll know what I'm talking about.)  It's not bad, but it sounds like department store background music.  Imagine you're walking through a J.C. Penney (remember those?) back in the '80s, during December, and you're picking out tacky gold jewelry for your mom.  This is the music that is playing over the sound system.  His take on Tchaikovsky is nice, as is his arrangements of other Holiday classical scores, but I have better versions on other LPs, and, ultimately, it's nowhere near enough to save this half-ass attempted offering from damnation.

I'm pissed I spent $2 on this.  While not horrible, per se - Fiedler is a talented artist in the 'Goes Pop' field, and if both sides were comprised of legit Christmas music we might be looking at a higher score, maybe a '6' or so  - I feel cheated that this is only half a Christmas album, and that an entire side of this LP is dedicated to Bacharach-ish shittiness.  

VERDICT:  3/10 - Seriously? (Burt Bacarach and Co's boring sleaze drags this album down considerably, and not even Fiedler's not-bad take on Christmas Classical music is enough to save it from being shelved. . . if not donated.)

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Ep. XLVI: ' A Twisted Christmas - Twisted Sister

What's up, America.

We got ourselves another album to scrutinize this evening. . .

Album Title:  A Twisted Christmas

Album Artist:  Twisted Sister

So my Christmas record collection, unbeknownst to me up until this point, was severely lacking in the harder rock niche of the genre.  I've got plenty of classic crooner stuff in my Holiday Record Collectoin, and lots of children's music and movie soundtracks, classical pieces, gospel/religious music, jazz albums, country Christmas stuff, etc. Alas, nothing 'harder.'  Not that that's necessarily my fault, mind you:   honestly, there are very few Christmasy rock albums out there, aside, of course, from the early rock and roll classics - Holiday songs by Chuck Berry, the Beach Boys, Elvis, even the Sonics.

Within the last ten years, however, several rock bands have come forward with their own collection of Holiday offerings:  bands like Weezer, Cheap Trick, Bad Religion, and this, Twisted Sister.

Now, in all fairness, I've never considered myself a fan of these guys.  They had that one song in the '80s, which, if I found it on the radio on a commute to work, I wouldn't change the station, but I wouldn't necessarily go out of my way to listen to it.  I certainly don't own any Twisted Sister albums on vinyl.

Well, now I do.

I had this in my iTunes library for a couple years before ultimately pulling the trigger and buying it off Discogs last month.  This was a Record Store Day exclusive a few years back, and was released on festive green vinyl, and for $20, I said 'what the hell.'

This album delivers exactly what it promises:  it's an '80s 'metal' band playing Christmas music, and it sounds just as one would imagine.  They knock it out of the park with a few gems on this album, notably "O Come All Ye Faithful," "Silver Bells," "Deck the Halls," and "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus," and even the weaker songs on the album (like the opener on Side A) aren't all-together terrible.

Honestly, I went out of my way to purchase this on vinyl because I find myself listening to it regularly (not all the way through, but about two-thirds of this album has made it into several of my Holiday playlists.  These songs are a hell of a lot of fun, and if you fancy yourself a rock aficionado who doesn't mind a little cheese with their metal, you'd be downright stupid if you passed this one up.

As a life-long fan of rock music in general, and as someone who forgoes all his usual musical tendencies in favor of Christmas music during the Holiday season, I tend to start craving something 'harder' as we roll into December.  I suffer from rock and roll, punk and metal withdrawals, I guess you could say.  And since I'm a firm believer in the idea that one should only listen to Holiday music during the Holidays, this album right here helps take the edge off my cravings.

I really wish more bands out there would record Christmas albums (pay attention, Rancid.)

VERDICT:  8/10 - Awesome (A ridiculously fun album to keep in Holiday Rotation, and one that fills the need for more 'rock' in one's Holiday listening.  It loses a couple points for a few 'meh' tracks, as well as the fact that, honestly, it is Twisted Sister.)

- REMAINS IN ROTATION -

Ep. XLV: 'Happy Holidays, Vol. 20' - Various Artists

Happy frickin' Sunday, America.

Time to cozy up next to the ol' fire and serve up another festive slice of Holiday Jammage. . .

Album Title:  Happy Holidays, Vol. 20 (True Value Hardware Stores)

Album Artist:  Various Artists

Ah, the good ol' days.  Back when you could survive comfortably on a single income, smoke anywhere you wanted to, fill up your station wagon for $3.25, and walk out of your local hardware store with your very own complimentary, Holiday LP.

(Thanks for nothing, 21st Century.)

I mean seriously:  how was that allowed to go out of style?  I get pissed off enough thinking about how f***ing awesome guys back in the '40s and '50s used to dress (suits, fedoras, maybe a walking stick to boot). . . then Kennedy had to come along and make not wearing awesome hats a thing.  But knowing that folks used to be able to go into a store and walk out with a complimentary record, as well?  That's straight-up maddening.  I was clearly born in the wrong decade.

Honestly, if I had strolled into a True Value back in the '60s or '70s, most likely looking for some kind of a replacement part to something my kids broke, and received a copy of this particular album from some pimply-ass teenage clerk, I'd probably hold on to it.  Then, after a listen or two, I'd give it to my grandparents.

Granted, you've got some great tracks on this one.  It's hard to find fault with Elvis' "Blue Christmas" (don't you ever speak ill of the King in my presence, America - consider that a warning) or Bing's "Little Drummer Boy."  There's a handful of mediocre jams as well - stuff you'd likely find on any one of the billion or so Great Songs of Christmas compilations - but, in all honesty, all that stuff begins to sound the same after a couple minutes.  Long story short, there's not nearly enough listenable music on this album to keep it in even remotely close to my turntable in the future.

Kate Smith has a ridiculously long 'medley' on Side A.  If that name doesn't ring a bell for you, consider yourself lucky - you've avoided Ear Cancer.  She holds the distinction of being one of the only recipients of a '1' -rated Holiday album in this here Record Odyssey of mine.  She's beyond rational thought in terms of horribleness - how this old lady was able to waddle into a recording studio and record multiple albums back in the day is beyond me.  It baffles the mind.

Vying for title of Shittiest Holiday Recording Artist of this year's Odyssey is none other than Roger Whitaker - who looks less like a singer and more like the elderly, clammy-handed Trump-supporter you'd likely find behind a mom-and-pop antique store in rural Indiana.  He knows how to wear a sweater vest, sure, and can probably tell you a great deal about collectible spoons and all the great Airstream rallies he's taken his Yorkie to throughout the continental United States in the last three years.  

I could go on and on with this one, but it's honestly not worth it at this point.  This album is garbage, and I don't feel like wasting any more time on it.

I need a drink.

VERDICT:  3/10 - Seriously? (It gets two bonus points for Elvis' and Bing's tracks, but otherwise everything on this album is a steaming pile of Kate Smith.)

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