Ep. CIX: 'Christmas Wonderland' - Bert Kaempfert

Welcome back, gang - time for another yuletide spin 'round ye ole, Holiday Turntable. . .

Album Title:  Christmas Wonderland

Album Artist:  Bert Kaempfert

I'm gonna start this off by just saying one thing, folks: this album may very well be the most frustrating album I've ever rated.

I had never heard of this Bert Kaempfert guy before. I assumed he was just another run-of-the-mill, '60s band leader, and that this 'orchestra' of his was going to play more of the same crap we've all heard 'orchestras' crank out over the years - instrumental Christmas music, inoffensive and dreamy, with a lot of emphasis on either a.) sweeping strings, or b.) obnoxiously loud brass (it's always one or the other.)

Well, there is some of that, sure, but what bothers me most about this one is how f***ing close it was to being an awesome album.

Seriously. There's a level of swing in these arrangements that make one sit up and take notice (almost 'Tijuana brass' in nature, if not in instrumentation. Just the right amount of jazz worked into the chord progressions where you're reminded of say, the Dukes of Dixieland. The way one section kicks in at certain transition in the song, or when a soloist steps up and hits chords with some balls, hints at the album this one could have been, if the producers hadn't botched the delivery.

Gotta love the cheesy Holiday messages on the back of these old LP's. . .

Pretty sure there's an ancient Norwegian troll under all this snow. . . 

You see, this album sounds like the sheet music of some really, killer Christmas arrangements were given to a local high school symphonic orchestra. There's something lacking in the execution of the songs, as if the music itself was there for the taking, but the musicians themselves couldn't quite deliver on it. The competency is there, I guess, but the talent isn't. So many times it just falls flat, as if the heart and soul required to knock these songs out of the park just wasn't up to par.

Then there's the poor instrumentation to consider. This music leans heavily into the xylophone, and it really, really shouldn't. Xylophones are fine on a Holiday album when used appropriately, for accents here and there, but sparingly. What this album does is treat these tinny, metal sounds like a lead instrument, which does nothing but sonically rape the eardrums after awhile. 

So while this album had great potential, it trips up far too often for it to be anything but mediocre background music during the Holidays. I could have rated this release a '6' for its slightly-above-board arrangements, but I'm beyond frustrated by its inability to live up to its potential.

VERDICT:  5/10 - Meh (Poor execution and shoddy musicianship ruin an otherwise decent Christmas offering from Bert Kaempfert and His High School Orchestra. Shame on you kids.)

- SHELVED-

- Brian