Ep. LXXV: 'Complete Christmas Songbook' - Los Straitjackets

 Finally.  Time to liven up the ol' turntable with a solid helping of Yuletide badass-ness. . .

Album Title:  Complete Christmas Songbook

Album Artist:  Los Straitjackets

This is a FUN Christmas album.  I had never heard of Los Straitjackets before, outside of a couple songs they had released on existing compilations I own, and that I always thought were good jams.  When I saw this two-disc, brand new collection of every Holiday song these guys have ever recorded in their thirty-plus year career (yes, this band has been around that long), for an unheard of $6 on Amazon, I had no choice but to pull the trigger.

And that, dear readers, may be one of the best purchased I've ever made on Amazon.  Ever.

Folks, this holiday collection is practically flawless.  This is The Ventures with a Tijuana seasoning (despite that all these guys are gringos from Nashville, which you totally wouldn't guess from their sound and love of wearing Mexican Wrestling masks.)  This band dishes out an explosive mix of classic surf guitar and energetic drumming (with a twist of salt and lime) that roars out of the starting gate without once tripping up on its feet.  This truly sounds like a band that has played together for years - military-precision timing tells you these guys can anticipate one another's playing styles, which creates enjoyable, crisp, well-executed arrangements that perfectly capture every single Holiday song in a way that does each song justice, while maintaining the band's own signature sound.

I hate to say it folks, and you might think I'm crazy for sayin' it, but these guys do a better job of being The Ventures than The Ventures do.  There.  I said it.

There really isn't a weak song on this entire release, though I will admit that their strengths lie in their faster numbers.  Nothing necessarily wrong with their slower numbers, but they're clearly not as well-centered in the band's comfort zone.  

This album is perfect for so many situations, too.  Having a party?  Throw this sum'bitch on the turntable, no question.  Gift wrapping presents?  This one is perfect.  Decorating a Christmas tree?  Yup.  Driving around, looking at Christmas lights?  Can't think of a better album to listen to.  In all honesty, the only situation I can think of that this wouldn't be suitable for is, perhaps, sitting in a church service.  Or looking at one of those live-action Nativity scenes.

And even then, I'd still probably be cool with this.

As far as instrumental records go, this one very well may be in my Top Three.  Like, right up there with Vince Guaraldi Trio's Charlie Brown Christmas.  I think what eventually takes this one down a peg is the fact that, much like other albums I've reviewed over the years, many of these songs start to sound the same after awhile.  If this was a ten-track album, this might not be too big of a deal. . . but there are 27 tracks on this release, and most of them have a very similar sound.  That, and there's a couple 'live' songs at the end of Side D where there are actually vocals here and there, which, after three sides of pure instrumentals, is kinda like having a bucket of cold water thrown in your face.

Minor gripes, really, but there you go.

VERDICT:  9/10 - Cowabunga! (You'd be hard-pressed to find a better instrumental Holiday album.)

- REMAINS IN CIRCULATION -

- Brian

Ep. LXXIV: 'Home for the Holidays' - Various Artists

Okay, guys.  Let's get this one over with. . .

Album Title:  Home for the Holidays

Album Artist:  Various Artists

So, again from the depths of the Bethesda stack of vinyl I've been working through this year, comes this shining Yuletide turd.  I knew this one was going to be a comically bad Christmas album the second I picked it up.  Just take a gander at the cover art on this sum'bitch - a young couple showing up on the doorstep of an elderly woman (one would assume being the mother or grandmother of one of the two younger adults), not really ridiculous by any means.  So what's the big deal?  

The small mutant the man is carrying.

Behold Kuato.

This little kid - which is, I believe, the love spawn of the couple - is so poorly illustrated that it resembles not so much a young child as it does Kuato from Ah-nold Schwarzenegger's 1990 so-bad-it's-good sci-fi thriller, Total Recall.  The likeness is so uncanny that it borders on copyright infringement, but, you know, this album was released in 1978, thirteen-ish years before the movie.  Whatever.

Anyway, poorly executed cover art aside, this release promises to be absolutely God-awful by just observing the featured artists on the track listing.  I mean, just look at this train wreck - this is a Who's Who of a Holiday Dumpster Fire:

Pat Boone kicks things off on Side A, Track 1, with a warm-milk version of 'Hark the Herald Angels Sing,' which, you know, is supposed to be a song to praise the birth of Christ, and sung triumphantly. . . not sung like you were trying to softly console someone on their death bed.  Lawrence Welk similarly puts everyone in the lobby to sleep on 'Silver Bells,' with his living room organ (you know, the type your grandparents had) whirling with warbly abandon. 

A handful of instrumental tracks, while not necessarily horrible, are so boring that they fade into the background (the exception being Robert Shaw's take on 'Hallelujah' from Handel's Messiah, which is decent.)  I mean, even actively listening to his album - like you do when placing a record on a turntable - it's still easy to overlook when the instrumentals begin and end on this album.  They're short to begin with, and just kinda bleed together in an endless sea of laize-faire Holiday blah-ness, almost serving as filler between the total disaster bombs that are the vocal tracks on this release.

And Holy Goddamn Shit, another children's choir?  What's up with these vintage Christmas album producers?  As bad as some of these other acts may be, they throw in a frickin' children's ensemble to perform 'Jingle Bells.'   This, without the common decency to even try and sound like a church choir (which, at the very least, is somewhat excusable - maybe sing a soprano-ish 'Silent Night' or something.)  No.  These little assholes sound more like an unrehearsed 3rd grade class in a crappy school Christmas program, shouting (yes, not singing) at the top of their lungs.  This is only somewhat cute when your own kid is in the 3rd grade class performing, and you've got a sweet vantage point from which to record some home video.  

Even then, the entire experience is far from 'awesome.'  It's tolerable at best.

So yeah, on an adult, at-the-time 'contemporary' compilation, throwing a bunch of children shout-singing onto the track listing is a completely stupid move.  It's a slap in the face (which, admittedly, would wake you up from this otherwise snooze-fest of a record.)  To put a cherry on top of this corn-riddled, steaming pile of shit - this children's ensemble is none other than the f***ing Brady Bunch.  Like, from television.  Recording a frickin' Christmas song on an otherwise made-for-adulst compilation.  

I hope this record producer was dragged out into the alley behind the studio and beaten to death with his own shoes.

So is there any saving grace on this album?  Yeah, yeah there is.  

Loretta Lynn has a spunky little number on the opening track of Side 2, 'Santa Claus is Coming to Town,' delivered in her feisty, I-just-walked-into-the honky-tonk-to-confront-my-man-cheating-on-me signature style.  If you like Loretta Lynn - and I, for one, love me some Loretta Lynn - this song is exactly what you'd expect from her, which helps elevate this Christmas compilation to a very small degree.

And then comes from motherf***in' Bing Crosby, who slams down his classic version of 'It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas' like an angry dad with a few beers in his system coming home, earlier than anticipated, to find his teenage kids throwing a party and trashing his house.  They thought he'd be gone all night, but nope - here he comes, bursting through the front door, putting the fear of God into the likes of Liberace, Roger Williams, and Pete Fountain, who all drop their red Solo cups and stare like dear in headlights.  Shitty recording artists suddenly make a mad scramble to bolt out of the house without being caught and having their parents called, leaving behind clear evidence of their God-awful Holiday songs.

And yes, order is finally restored, now that Dad is home.  But the house, dear readers, is nonetheless still trashed.

VERDICT:  3/10 - Seriously? (Bing and Loretta come home earlier than anticipated and break up an out-of-control teenage party at their house, thereby scoring a couple sympathy points, but far too late to save their home from being destroyed with Yuletide shittiness.)

- SHELVED -

- Brian

Ep. LXXIII: 'You Make It Feel Like Christmas' - Gwen Stefani

Alright, alright. . . 

Album Title:  You Make It Feel Like Christmas

Album Artist:  Gwen Stefani

So I picked this one off of Amazon about two years ago, more or less because it cost about $10 at the time, and it was insanely high-rated.  Granted, I'm not what you could call a huge Gwen Stefani fan by any means;  I mean, I didn't mind No Doubt back in the mid-90s - c'mon, they were a ska band with a hot singer - but I don't listen to her music these days, and couldn't tell you one song she's performed since, oh, 1997.

My wife, on the other hand, does like Gwen - maybe not one of her all-time favorites, but definitely enough for me to pull the trigger on a brand new, $10 Christmas record.  I figured 'what the hell,' might be a nice addition to the collection (I don't own a lot of contemporary 'pop' records, it'd definitely fill that niche.)  Plus, it's pressed on limited edition White Vinyl.

Booya.

Anyway, this album is a fairly painless experience.  As stated before, Gwen isn't someone I regularly listen to:  she's a pop singer these days, and that's one of the few genres I just can't stomach.  Still, that being said, her voice and singing style hasn't changed all that much since the '90s, even if the music behind her has.  

Who the hell is the soul-less ginger in the corner?

I think this the biggest reason I'm able to stomach this album in the first place (it also doesn't hurt that, even at her age, she's still ridiculously hot):  it's easy to fool yourself into hearing the feisty, young singer fronting a hard-swinging ska band, jumping around the stage and into mosh pits.  Instead of, you know, some lady who makes pop albums and judges performing contestants on a reality TV show.  Gwen keeps things simple on this album, she doesn't attempt belting out anything too strenuous, nor does she reach for those unattainable high notes.  That was never her forte - she's a good singer, not a great singer.

That, and she's hot.

The songs themselves on this album sway back and forth between Christmas classics and some of her own originals, and in all cases the songs are produced well and the arrangements are solid:

Things are upbeat for the most part, which isn't a huge shocker because that's kinda Gwen's shtick - she's a 'fun' singer, in the vein of Cyndi Lauper.  Her versions of 'Jingle Bells' and 'Let It Snow' are upbeat numbers with a horn section, 'Santa Baby' could be a striptease number, and even with slower, quieter numbers - 'Silent Night,' 'White Christmas,' etc. - she doesn't put on a solemn, reverent face.

Her originals are okay.  She's got two off this album this get heavy radio play during the Holidays - 'My Gift is You' and 'You Make It Feel Like Christmas' which she penned with her country-singer fiance, Blake Shelton.  As far as Christmas pop goes it's tolerable, but certainly not my cup-of-tea.  This is more of a reflection of my distaste for bullshit radio fodder, however - even if Gwen Stefani wrote the greatest pop album of all time, it's still likely I wouldn't care for it all that much.

So, all in all, reviewing this album was hard, because I'm not a huge fan of the genre itself.  There's nothing wrong with this release, mind you - it's done well and I'm sure, if you're a fan of pop, you'd love it.  Gwen's delivery isn't trying to make you realize the true meaning of Christmas, or remember praise Jesus, or yank at your heart strings.  No, she wants you to have fun.  She wants you to get into the Yule of the Season.  She wants you to get laid.

And I'm okay with that.

VERDICT:  7/10 - Pretty Rad (A well-produced pop album that executes Holiday classics and original songs without issue.  Not my favorite, but she is hot.)

- REMAINS IN CIRCULATION -

- Brian

Ep. LXXII: 'A Christmas Festival of Songs and Carols, Vol. 2' - Various Artists

'Tis the Season for yule-tide jammitude, masses.  Throw on your Christmas pants and let's get down to business here, shall we. . . 

Album Title:  A Christmas Festival of Songs and Carols, Vol. 2

Album Artist:  Various Artists

Orphans gaze at mankind's most boring collection of toys . .

Well, we're still chipping away at that Bethesda stack I purchased a couple weeks ago.  Like I said before, for 59 cents apiece you can definitely score a crap-load without even realizing it.  I cleaned those guys out and probably dropped, like, $6.  Zero complaints here.

So, this compilation comes from the good folks over at JC Penney, which, I'm told, used to be some kind of department store back in the day.  All the rage.  Perhaps this album's hilarious cover art reflects this, with a bunch of probably-orphans gazing longingly at a storefront window display jam-packed with super-generic toys.  The kind that kids haven't wanted Santa to bring them since, like, 1964.

No wonder JC Penney ate shit and died.

A parade of button-eyed, creepy-ass children.  Kinda reminds me of that movie Coraline.

I mean, look at this crap-show.  A toy accordion?  What kinda of monster would see something like this and think, "Hot damn, that's just the ticket - that's gonna be swell for Junior to open up on Christmas Morning."  Perhaps, even worse, what kid would actually want something like this for Christmas?  Some poor bastard who has parents deeply involved in the polka craze of the 1950s and '60s?  And is grasping at straws for ways to win some kind of affection from them?  How depressing is that scenario?

Anyway, let's get back to the music on this release.  I suppose that's what we're all here for in the first place.  The track list on this compilation is run-of-the-mill, non-offensive, vanilla Christmas music from the sixties.  Every Holiday favorite your grandparents adored while smoking cigarettes in their shag-covered living rooms and waiting for the fruitcake to cool off.

All these '60s Christmas compilations follow a familiar playbook, and so I wasn't shocked in the slightest by what I found here:  a couple country songs, an instrumental medley, a couple 'powerhouse' vocal numbers, and a few numbers featuring choirs.  This variety is par-for-the-course for nearly every compilation I've ever reviewed in the '3' to '5' range in this Record Odyssey of mine, and, not surprisingly, this album finds itself in similar territory.

Chet Atkins' guitar work on 'Little Drummer Boy' is a decent track, and even though I've definitely heard better versions of this song, there's nothing really to complain about here.  Same goes for Arthur Fiedler's take on Tchaikovsky's The Nutcracker - the Boston Pops do a commendable job.

From Our House to Yours.  Yet again. . .

Those couple songs aside, most of the rest of these songs are ridiculously boring, and a select few have that distinction of being pure garbage.  The use of a children's choir on the opening track of Side A is jarring; why producers back in the day felt it was totally cool to throw a children's choir onto a non-children's music compilation is beyond me.  Unless I'm listening to a children's album - which, honestly, I can't see myself going out of my way to do - I don't want to hear little kids singing.  Not at all.  Nobody wants to hear that nonsense.

Mario Lanza, who fancies himself some kind of vocal powerhouse, belts out with a fury on 'O Holy Night,' sounding more like a guy pretending to be an Italian virtuoso than the real deal.  I've heard drunks perform better.  And choosing a soft, religious carol as your showcase number isn't really a smart move, either - show that range on a banger (like, say, 'O Come All Ye Faithful'), not on something that's supposed to be reverent.  C'mon Mario, this is Christmas Music 101.

So yeah, this is typical, fade-into-the-background, boring Christmas music, that offers up few reasons to stay awake long enough to register it's still spinning on your turntable.  

VERDICT:  5/10 - Meh (This is what JC Penney would sound like if JC Penney was a Christmas album)

- SHELVED -

- Brian

Ep. LXXI: 'A Merry Christmas to You' - David Rose and His Orchestra

 Time to cozy up to the fire and put on another slab of Holiday vinyl, America. . .

Album Title:  A Merry Christmas to You

Album Artist:  David Rose and His Orchestra

Again, straight out of the Bethesda stack we've been working through over the course of these last few posts, comes this offering from 'David Rose' and 'His Orchestra.'  This one here didn't really stand out to me in the store, one way or the other:  the artwork is 'meh,' not awesome and not overly-hokey or anything like that, I was honestly pretty underwhelmed by the selection.

But I mean, come on. . . 59 cents.

If anything, the fact that is said it was David Rose was pretty funny.  I don't know if you guys watch Schitt'$ Creek or not, but David Rose (played by Eugene Levy's son) is a pretty hilarious character.  If that dude came out with a Christmas album I'd probably buy it (though, him being gay and everything, it'd probably be a lot of cabaret-ish, glittery nonsense. . . like Elton John or Liberace.)

Anyway, this album totally blindsided me.  This is a true orchestral record, not just saying '. . . and His Orchestra' like so many other albums do, and then featuring like a trombone, an accordion, a trumpet, a bass, and a piano.  Nope, this is the full set-up, folks:  string section, wind section, brass section, percussion section, you name it.  I don't get many true orchestral albums pass through this Record Odyssey of mine, so when they do it's like a bolt of silver lightning on a clear day.

This album is good.

Gonna have to go out on a limb here and say this is bullshit.

The arrangements rely heavily on the medley method, which is preferable when it comes to religious carols:  abridged carols and traditional songs get their chief melodies highlighted, then blended together seamlessly, as if the arrangers wanted to include every highlight of the season onto one Holiday LP.  This was a smart move, because being instrumental this release doesn't need to get bogged down into lyric-focused religious carols with their many, many verses.

Have you ever sung a Christmas carol at church?  There's like six frickin' verses to every song, they go on forever.)

If I had any criticisms, folks, it would be this:  this orchestra doesn't hit the highs and lows of, say, Tchaikovsky's Nutcracker (one of the few other orchestral albums we've reviewed here over the years.)  There's no dynamic forte sections here to speak of, as David Rose instead relies on dreamy, laid-back arrangements you might expect to find in a Christmas-themed Fantasia (if Disney ever produced a Christmas-themed Fantasia film back in the '50s.)  So if the majority of your arrangements are middle-of-the-road - never hitting those highs and lows that you'd find in a traditional symphony, for example - it's probably awesome for, say, television (where you need consistent background music), but not necessarily for focused listening.

Yep.  Another 'From Our Family to Yours' message.  Jesus. . .

I'd have to dock a couple points for that reason alone, folks.  Is this a good album?  Absolutely.  Would it benefit from maybe upping the ante in parts?  For sure.  I've had several albums I've reviewed over the years that stumble into this trap - the entire album sounds the same, so that eventually it just bleeds away into the background.  If you want to engage the listener, mix it up a little.  The great songs on here are great, no question about it, but there's a heck of a lot of filler, as well as some songs that, while there's nothing necessarily wrong with them, per se, aren't easily recognizable.  Rose is forced at some points to blend Holiday carols together with unique bits of melody in order to make them work, which is commendable, but since they're not recognizable you kinda don't get the Christmas-y vibe from 100% of this album.

So, as such, I'm going to have to officially state that this is a good record, that misses the opportunity to be great, which is regrettable.  However, due to it's uncommon sound (orchestral medley arrangements), I think I'll keep it in rotation this year, and re-evaluate its position next season.

VERDICT:  6/10 - Decent (A good orchestral Christmas album, that gets docked a few points for being too repetitive and bland in parts. Also, being from the '50s and everything, it's practically falling apart - kinda thinking I need to reorder this one on Discogs.)

- REMAINS IN CIRCULATION -

- Brian

Ep. LXX: 'Come on, Ring Those Bells' - Evie

Welcome back, Internet.  We got ourselves some good ol' fashioned, soul-saving Christmas cheer today

Album Title:  Come on, Ring Those Bells

Album Artist:  Evie

I'm not gonna lie, folks - I totally picked this one up due to the ridiculous cover art.  I found this in my previously-discussed stack of vinyl that I scored at the Bethesda thrift store, across from my school, where you can score vinyl for an unheard of 59 cents apiece.

And this baby?  I couldn't pass this one up.  I mean, just look at this chick:

If warm milk, abstinence, and homophobia was a person.

Yes, somebody once paid $8 for this.

So many thoughts went through my head when I first saw this lady on the cover of this album.  First of all, who the hell is this 'Evie' lady?  The one-name moniker - who in the hell does she think she is, Cher?  Madonna?  Meatloaf?  Is she some sort of Scandinavian super-star?  A Partridge-Family, G-rated, fun-for-the-whole-family balladeer?  Is this a independently-funded release by a big dreamer who had to eventually grow up and realize she wasn't going to be a Carpenter sister, and had to eventually get a job ringing up groceries somewhere in Kansas?

Nope on all accounts, I guess.  Squeaky-clean, country-ish, Christian Music singer.  Go figure.

Note:  after writing this review, I hopped onto Wikipedia and found out she is Scandinavian. . . so I'm not too far off base.

Folks, this is the least-offensive record I've ever heard.  There's zero mention of Christmas trees, Santa, reindeer, snow, and certainly not mistletoe - why, that would offend our LORD.  Barn-born Baby Jesus, folks.  Nope, this is soul-saving, Nativity-centered, family-focused, Christian Christmas music.  None of that pagan, yuletide blasphemy to be found here, no thank you.

This chick probably spends a lot of time praying.  Hopefully for some dental work:

Believe it or not, this album actually came with a free poster inside.  A poster of a soft '70s Christian music performer.  You gotta wonder who the target demographic for this was.  Was this targeted for teens, who would otherwise be putting up LP posters of Kiss or the Beatles on their bedroom walls, but, because their parents are Jesus freaks, they're not allowed to?  So they have to hang up posters of Evie instead?  Do you want to see the bedroom of a person who would actually hang this up on their wall?  I sure as hell wouldn't - that would be terrifying.

The first of two sentimental messages on this album. . .

"Have you any room for Jesus?" she asks on Track 3.  Um. . . how much room is he looking for, exactly?  How much room does he take up?

Anyway, as for the music itself goes, this is pretty typical '70s soft country/pop fare.  The production value itself is actually way better than I would've expected:  I can't tell if she was just a behemoth of the '70s Christian Music circuit, or else these are all pre-recorded song arrangements and she just rented the studio time to come in and lay down a vocal track over top of them.  

Honestly, I'm not sure which scenario would be more fitting, here.

Everything on this LP is slow-tempo, low-key, and waaaay overly-heartfelt, bordering on the dramatic.  And certainly, while this Evie can definitely carry a tune (I imagine she was all the rage in her congregation's choir growing up), I find myself being turned off by her delivery.  

I think the problem with this record is that there's too much Jesus on this record for me to accept it.  Please don't get me wrong here guys, I'm not bashing Christian music, and I do love religious Christmas carols - done right, they can be moving pieces of music that completely capture the Season.  But even church services this time of year feature Christmas Trees. Completely neglecting the imagery of the Holiday Season - because it's takes away from the 'true meaning of Christmas,' blah, blah, blah - especially on a Christmas album, is jarring.  

No.

By all means, Evie, stock your track list with religious Christmas carols, that's totally fine, lady.  But throw in a couple songs about the other stuff as well.  Balance it out.  Maybe sing about the beauty of the winter landscape as you and your beloved husband - who sleeps in a separate bed, obviously - walk back from your nightly three-hour church service.  Sing about the Christmas Trees that are on display in the windows of the Planned Parenthood you and the rest of your church activist group are protesting during this festive Holiday season.  Because only nut-jobs drinking warm milk and not buying their children Christmas presents (because it would take attention away from Jesus) would appreciate this album.

And it's 100% obvious to Yours Truly that that is your target audience, Evie.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna mix myself up an egg nog and rum and blast some of Bad Religion's Christmas Songs (8/10 on the Odyssey Rating Scale, folks.)

VERDICT:  3/10 - Seriously? (It gets a couple bonus points for the production quality and song arrangements, which, oddly enough, are pretty acceptable.  Buuuut if Trump's evangelical base could release a Christmas album, this would be it.  There seems to be no tracks about Democrats stealing children in order to use them as sex slaves and blood donors, though. . .)

- SHELVED -

- Brian

Ep. LXIX: 'The Gifts of Christmas' - Various Artists

Alright, alright. . . we got another thrift store find to dust off and subject to some audio scrutiny.

Album Title:  The Gifts of Christmas

Album Artist:  Various Artists

So, full disclosure here, I did not just pop this out of the sleeve and throw it on my turntable, folks.  I'm not a savage, give me some credit.  I picked this one up at the Bethesda thrift store a week or so ago (when I picked up that stack featuring a few of my previously-evaluated selections), and I gave each one of these sons-of-bitches a thorough cleaning on the ol' Spin Clean before dropping a needle onto them.  They were pretty gross.

The Wicker Man heralds the beginning of the Apocalypse.

So, this collection is from the 'Guideposts' people of Carmel, New York.  I have no idea what in the hell that means, but apparently this was a big deal and all, because this is an exclusive recording.  I mean, you can't just slap that name on any old album, can you?  God knows they paid out the ass for this top-tier art layout on the front cover (see right).  Check out the Wicker Man angel, for Christ's sake.  They only needed one picture for the front of this damn record, and that's the one they went with.

Maybe the music speaks for itself, so they didn't need to fork out a lot of dough on art direction, I don't know.  Let's see who exactly we're dealing with here:

Holy f***ing shit.

This is a Christmas no one alive still remembers.

You read that right, guys.  Percy Faith, Jim Nabors, Mitch Mitchell, Kate Smith.  That's like the Four Horseman of the Goodwill Vinyl Apocalypse.  I swear to God, if you go into a thrift store trying to find a diamond LP in the rough that is their moldy-smelling vinyl offerings, you're going to find each and every one of these assholes highly represented.  Wedged right in there among the Mantovani records, polka collections, church recordings, Mills Brothers, Lawrence Welk. . . you see where I'm goin' with this.

Well, these guys straight-up carpet bomb this album with shittiness.  I honestly can't see which one of these assholes I hate the most, they all sound like people pretending to sing.  Like, karaoke singing, if you will.  The arrangements themselves are of the Great Songs of Christmas variety, but lacking the Frank Sinatra and Julie Andrews talent that makes those compilations, while boring in their own right, at least somewhat palatable.

No, 70% of this album is pure garbage.  Like, 2/10 on the ol' Odyssey Rating Scale of mine, that's what we're dealing with here.  

But, then we have a couple rare glimpses of hope pop up from time to time.  A choir/instrumental medley on the third track of Side A isn't half-bad - if anything, it's generic background Christmas music.  Alas, when compared to the rest of the crap on this album, it shines like a frickin' star.  

Then, you have Johnny Cash with a track on here ('I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day'), and while it's not necessarily great (because, as I've said before, his Christmas songs rarely are), it's still Johnny frickin' Cash, and the man's mere presence on this record is enough to drag this sludge-fest up a point on its own.  Aside from him, there's a pretty soulful track from Mahalia Jackson (not sure if she's any relation to the dead child molester), who belts out a Southern Gospel-styled rendition of 'Go Tell It on the Mountain' that is way better than it should be, and, as such, stands out on this album like a sore thumb.

So, needless to say, consistency is definitely not this album's strong suit.  Honestly, I don't think it has one at all.  A dusting of songs on here are decent, most of the album is bottom-shelf, thrift store fare, and the arrangement styles are all over the damn place.  The only people who would possibly like this horrible, horrible collection are elderly people who shop daily at thrift stores, and who actually like artists like Percy Faith, Jim Nabors, Kate Smith, and Mitch Mitchell.

All the more reason for me to return this as soon as possible.  After all, there might be elderly women waddling about Salvation Army as we speak, looking for Christmas records to liven up the Hi-Fi's in their crotchet-covered living rooms.  And Christmas is a time for giving, America.

VERDICT:  4/10 - Boraphyll (A parade of Goodwill heavyweights let loose in all their shittiness, and not even Johnny Cash is enough to salvage this boring record from the dusty, mothball Hell from whence it came. . . and to where it'll be returning very shortly.)

- SHELVED -

- Brian

Ep. LXVIII: 'Shatner Claus: The Christmas Album' - William Shatner

 Dear God, who's ready for a weird-ass Christmas record. . .

Album Title:  Shatner Claus: The Christmas Album

Album Artist:  William Shatner

You know folks, I hate to say it, but I went out of my way to purchase this album.  I really, really did.

This popped up on Amazon while I was browsing for Holiday vinyl a few years ago, and, curious, I clicked on it.  I had initially figured this was going to be a hokey Shatner album (the guy's definitely made a few), featuring that overly-dramatic delivery in a jarring cadence that's his signature staple, and I had every intention of closing the tab on it and never clicking on the item listing again.

But then I took a gander at the track listing:

I hadn't been expecting this, and was intrigued.  So, I added it to an Amazon list and waited for the price to drop.  A year or so passed, and sadly the album never dipped below $29, which, to me, is far too much to be spending on a single-disc release unless it's some limited edition release.  Fast-forward to a month or so ago, while I was snooping for Holiday vinyl in Radio Wasteland, and I not only came across this LP for $24, but it was also a limited edition green-vinyl pressing.

Christmas was saved.

So, let's talk about the actual tracks on this here record for a bit.  This is kinda what you'd expect from a William Shatner album:  his trademark delivery is on full-blast throughout this album, and if you hate the dramatic Shatner thing (which most of us do), just close this tab and go about your day.  

Be aware, however, that some of these songs, aren't half bad - there's a couple on here that are pretty decent.  It's almost like the songs themselves were recorded in studios entirely separate from Captain Kirk, and then, once they were finished, they just wheeled him on in (he's so old I'm just going off on a limb here and assuming he's in a wheelchair now) and had him talk/sing over the existing songs.

Seriously, this whole album definitely comes across as a confused old man, shuffling to an fro among a recording studio, and every time the sound mixer guy starts playing a new song, Shatner is led up to a microphone to just babble about whatever's on his mind.  Sometimes - and, I really have to stress here, sometimes - he makes a weak attempt at singing along with this song.  Most of the time, however, he's just spurting words into a microphone, that, honestly, can be about anything.

The arrangements on here vary from pretty straight-forward, pretty awesome, Holiday anthems ('Jingle Bells,' featuring the legendary Henry Rollins of Black Flag) to completely bizarre bits of spoken-word weirdness ('Twas the Night Before Christmas.')  And a little of everything in between.

Now, I will be completely honest with you, folks:  this one is not for everyone.  Today, while reviewing this album, Kris was like, "What is this?"  She was not a fan, nor would most folk be, I assume.  But me?  I was raised on the 1989 classic Dr. Demento Presents the Greatest Christmas Novelty CD of All Time.  

For those of you unfamiliar with Dr. Demento, he's a radio personality that threw his name behind a collection of nostalgic, Holiday comedy songs from the '60s to late '80s, featuring heavyweights like Allan Sherman, Spike Jones, Cheech and Chong, Bob and Doug Mackenzie, etc.  It's a ridiculous collection of Christmas songs, and by all rationale they shouldn't be good.  'Nuttin' for Christmas,' 'Santa Claus and His Old Lady,'  - you get the idea.  But despite their low-brow cheesiness, they were hilarious to a ten-year-old kid, who considered them 'edgy' and unlike the Mannheim Steamroller bullshit that was eating up the airwaves at the time.  And now that I'm adult, those songs make it on to my playlists because I can appreciate the point of their humor, despite the cheesy delivery. 

So, does a little over-exaggerated, dramatic Shatner belting out a Christmas album in his late eighties cause me to hipsterly scoff this into the 'Shelved' pile of my Holiday vinyl?

Hell No.  Nobody puts Captain Kirk in the Corner.

VERDICT:  7/10 - Pretty Rad (A comedy classic that may someday see some of its tracks end up on a Dr. Demento-ish Christmas Novelty compilation.)

- REMAINS IN CIRCULATION -

- Brian

Ep. LXVII: 'A Christmas Festival of Songs & Carols' - Various Artists

Here we go again. . .

Album Title:  A Christmas Festival of Songs & Carols

Album Artist:  Various Artists

A group so white this could be a GOP photo op.

I bought a stack of shitty Christmas vinyl from the Bethesda Thrift Store, across the street from my school, during a lull on one of my Parent/Teacher Conference Days at work last week.  I grabbed the absolute crappiest-looking albums I could find, 'cause - at 59 cents apiece - it was a no-brainer for reviewing purposes.  

This particular release - courtesy of the once culturally-relevant JC Penney - with it's assembled Aryan herd of children adorning the cover, promised to be hokey as all hell.  I couldn't resist.  Yet, when dropping the needle on the Side A, Track 1, we find a Christmas medley from none other than Arthur Fiedler that and the Boston Pops Orchestra.  It's not the greatest holiday medley I've ever heard, sure enough, but it's pretty good; perhaps this album was going to be another surprise find for the Holiday Season?

Then the second track started.  And I realized this album was exactly what I thought it was going to be.

A whole lot of nonsense.

Mario Lanza, who tries his damnedest to deliver on 'O Little Town of Bethlehem,' sounds like a drunken uncle at a family get-together, trying to impress people by singing along to the radio.  Maybe he can sorta carry a tune (maybe he front his own band back in high school) but, because he's six or seven silver bullets into the afternoon, he's letting loose with a gusto that is by no means warranted.  What should be a quiet, peaceful delivery - 'cause, let's face it, that's kinda the whole 'Bethlehem' vibe - instead sounds more like, "Bro, you wan'me t'tell yoush about this fuggin place called Beffenhem?"

Following up this diddy, we have a children's chorus deliver 'The Little Drummer Boy,' in typical fashion. Not horrible, but considering the previous tracks that have appeared on this release, it's definitely out of place.  There's a time and place for children's choirs, folks, and it's on frickin children's albums.  These 60's music producers were out of their Goddamn minds putting this nonsense in a Holiday compilation album.

Gotta love the back-of-cover inspirational message. . .

The worst song on this record, by far, is delivered by Marian Anderson, who warbles with unbridled fury on 'We Wish You a Merry Christmas.'  I'm assuming this was a somewhat well-known artist back in the day ('cause, I mean, JC Penney doesn't throw just anybody on their Holiday compilations, right?) but this seriously sounds like a guy pretending to sing opera in his best 'womens' voice.  I haven't heard singing this bad since Kate Smith graced us with her presence five years ago.  It seriously sounds like someone pretending to sing, it doesn't sound real - it's that comically bad.  So bad, in fact, that I was more amused than disgusted.

The Robert Shaw Chorale's appearance on this album definitely pissed me off, because their rendition of 'The Little Drummer Boy' is mankind's greatest version, and the fact they brought in child labor for that track on the previous side is kind of infuriating.  'The Twelve Days of Christmas' - which nine times out of ten is a skip-able song on any Christmas playlist, regardless of the artist performing it - is performed by a choir of vocalists so bad that they sound like they've been rejected from a church talent show, and this is their last shot at greatness.

. . .I could honestly keep going, but I think you get the idea.

VERDICT:  3/10 - Seriously? (A valiant attempt from Arthur Fiedler can't help drag this boring - and sometimes comically-bad offering - out of the muck and mire.)

- SHELVED -

- Brian