Welcome back, Internet. We got ourselves some good ol' fashioned, soul-saving Christmas cheer today
Album Title: Come on, Ring Those Bells
Album Artist: Evie
And this baby? I couldn't pass this one up. I mean, just look at this chick:
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| If warm milk, abstinence, and homophobia was a person. |
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| Yes, somebody once paid $8 for this. |
So many thoughts went through my head when I first saw this lady on the cover of this album. First of all, who the hell is this 'Evie' lady? The one-name moniker - who in the hell does she think she is, Cher? Madonna? Meatloaf? Is she some sort of Scandinavian super-star? A Partridge-Family, G-rated, fun-for-the-whole-family balladeer? Is this a independently-funded release by a big dreamer who had to eventually grow up and realize she wasn't going to be a Carpenter sister, and had to eventually get a job ringing up groceries somewhere in Kansas?
Nope on all accounts, I guess. Squeaky-clean, country-ish, Christian Music singer. Go figure.
Note: after writing this review, I hopped onto Wikipedia and found out she is Scandinavian. . . so I'm not too far off base.
Folks, this is the least-offensive record I've ever heard. There's zero mention of Christmas trees, Santa, reindeer, snow, and certainly not mistletoe - why, that would offend our LORD. Barn-born Baby Jesus, folks. Nope, this is soul-saving, Nativity-centered, family-focused, Christian Christmas music. None of that pagan, yuletide blasphemy to be found here, no thank you.
This chick probably spends a lot of time praying. Hopefully for some dental work:
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| Believe it or not, this album actually came with a free poster inside. A poster of a soft '70s Christian music performer. You gotta wonder who the target demographic for this was. Was this targeted for teens, who would otherwise be putting up LP posters of Kiss or the Beatles on their bedroom walls, but, because their parents are Jesus freaks, they're not allowed to? So they have to hang up posters of Evie instead? Do you want to see the bedroom of a person who would actually hang this up on their wall? I sure as hell wouldn't - that would be terrifying. |
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| The first of two sentimental messages on this album. . . |
"Have you any room for Jesus?" she asks on Track 3. Um. . . how much room is he looking for, exactly? How much room does he take up?
Anyway, as for the music itself goes, this is pretty typical '70s soft country/pop fare. The production value itself is actually way better than I would've expected: I can't tell if she was just a behemoth of the '70s Christian Music circuit, or else these are all pre-recorded song arrangements and she just rented the studio time to come in and lay down a vocal track over top of them.
Honestly, I'm not sure which scenario would be more fitting, here.
Everything on this LP is slow-tempo, low-key, and waaaay overly-heartfelt, bordering on the dramatic. And certainly, while this Evie can definitely carry a tune (I imagine she was all the rage in her congregation's choir growing up), I find myself being turned off by her delivery.
I think the problem with this record is that there's too much Jesus on this record for me to accept it. Please don't get me wrong here guys, I'm not bashing Christian music, and I do love religious Christmas carols - done right, they can be moving pieces of music that completely capture the Season. But even church services this time of year feature Christmas Trees. Completely neglecting the imagery of the Holiday Season - because it's takes away from the 'true meaning of Christmas,' blah, blah, blah - especially on a Christmas album, is jarring.
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| No. |
By all means, Evie, stock your track list with religious Christmas carols, that's totally fine, lady. But throw in a couple songs about the other stuff as well. Balance it out. Maybe sing about the beauty of the winter landscape as you and your beloved husband - who sleeps in a separate bed, obviously - walk back from your nightly three-hour church service. Sing about the Christmas Trees that are on display in the windows of the Planned Parenthood you and the rest of your church activist group are protesting during this festive Holiday season. Because only nut-jobs drinking warm milk and not buying their children Christmas presents (because it would take attention away from Jesus) would appreciate this album.
And it's 100% obvious to Yours Truly that that is your target audience, Evie.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna mix myself up an egg nog and rum and blast some of Bad Religion's Christmas Songs (8/10 on the Odyssey Rating Scale, folks.)
VERDICT: 3/10 - Seriously? (It gets a couple bonus points for the production quality and song arrangements, which, oddly enough, are pretty acceptable. Buuuut if Trump's evangelical base could release a Christmas album, this would be it. There seems to be no tracks about Democrats stealing children in order to use them as sex slaves and blood donors, though. . .)
- SHELVED -
- Brian
