Ep. CVI: 'Home Alone Christmas' - Various Artists

Get ready for a slice of early '90s Holiday nostalgia, music lovers. . .

Album Title:  Home Alone Christmas

Album Artist:  Various Artists

I was able to snag this for a meager $15 during one of Walmart's flash vinyl sales around Black Friday.  I've had my eye on this Holiday release since it first came out last year, even when it was $25 - it's a compilation of some of the more recognizable songs used in the first two Home Alone movies, and it's even on red, translucent vinyl (which, you know, makes it sound better.)

Several of the songs used in this compilation are only famous due to the success of the movies, so their familiarity during the Holidays is based solely on their association with the movies and not with, say, the radio or your preferred streaming platform.  'Christmas Vacation' from National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation and any of Vince Giuraldi Trio's numbers from A Charlie Brown Christmas fall into this category, for sure.  In this case, selections like The Fox Albert Choir's 'My Christmas Tree,' used during the Christmas pageant scene towards the beginning of the second movie, would be a perfect example.  While not an awesome song, per se, it reminds you of that particular scene in the movie, and these movies are both Christmas staples. 

John Williams, hands-down the greatest film composer of all time, offers three of his more recognizable pieces from the movies for this compilation, each of which have now become Holiday classics that one can hear in stores or one instrumental, Christmas playlists.  There's not a hell of a lot I can really say about someone as prolific as John Motherf***ing Williams - we all know he's the best at what he does, and, as usual, he delivers on this one once again.  I'm pretty sure if he delivered anything that wasn't prolific and instantaneously a classic our entire society would collapse.

Alan Jackson's 'A Holly Jolly Christmas' to the LP is one of the weaker songs on this release - it's just 'okay,' and I can't place its use in either of the two movies.  Even worse than this one, and easily the worst songs on the entire release, are Atlantic Starr's 'Silver Bells' and TLC's 'Sleigh Bells.'  Like Jackson's contribution, I don't remember these songs being in either of the two Home Alone movies, though I'm sure they played during the credits or something at some point, and their inclusion in the films (as well as on this compilation) was for producers to flex the movies' early '90s 'coolness' factor.  Both tracks are terrible, though - like, scratch the track with a nail so it can't be played again terrible.

All in all, this is mostly a solid Holiday soundtrack, but far from perfect.  There's a lot of good and a lot of bad on this LP, meaning you should probably put this one on in the background while you're doing other things during the Holidays (that way you can tune in during the good songs and run out of the room during the bad ones.)  By far, the biggest letdown on this album is the absence of The Drifter's 'White Christmas' - aside from Williams' score, the most definitive use of music in the entire films.  It's nowhere to be found.  That song is a genuine classic, and transcends the popularity of the movies by being a radio favorite before the films came out - God knows it appears on a few of my Amazon playlists.

VERDICT:  7/10 - Pretty Rad (A good album, but not great. . . thanks in part to a few terrible song inclusions and exclusions.  Maybe they'll come out with a deluxe edition of this soundtrack in the future featuring all the great Christmas music that was omitted from this particular release.  In the meantime, however, there's juuuuust enough good stuff here to keep it playing throughout the Holiday Season.)

- REMAINS IN ROTATION-

- Brian

Ep. CV: 'Christmas in Europe' - Various Artists

Time to pour yourself a Christmas cocktail and strap yourself in for a Holiday trip around the ancestral home of White People. . .

Album Title:  Christmas in Europe

Album Artist:  Various Artists

This was a pretty cool idea in theory:  showcase Christmas-y songs from various countries throughout Europe, highlighting the cultural flavors of different countries during the Holiday Season.  Hell, I could easily be talked into a doing a boxed set of something like this, with each record representing a different region of the world:  Christmas in Latin America, Christmas in Africa, Christmas in the Middle East, etc.

After all these years of checking out Christmas vinyl, folks, we all know - very, very well - that cool ideas don't always pan out the way they were supposed to.  This compilation of Holiday music from Europe is a classic example.  There are 44 countries in Europe, right?  Well, out of this album's 14 songs (so, right off the bat, 30 countries don't get any representation), five of these are from England and four are from Germany (apparently better known as the Main Characters of Europe.)  That leaves a mere five songs, with one each from Italy, Switzerland, Spain, The Netherlands, and - ugh - France.

Seven countries, guys.  Tough shit, Estonia - maybe next time.

So musically this album is kinda blah - it's all recorded with very similar instrumentation and vocal-heavy sound levels, so despite by being recorded by different groups (each representing their own home country) it all kinda ends up sounding the same.  While none of the music is downright horrible, it get certainly gets super boring real quick, and one's left feeling cheated.  What might make this one easier to analyze is to break these song selections down by country - mix things up a bit:

England.  Hands down, this country sounds the most like 'Christmas' (which is only understandable because we're England's estranged offspring.)  I'm gonna officially state this for the record, 'Good King Wenceslas' is a f***ing banger.  That song sounds like it was written by happy drunk people for happy drunk people, and watching happy drunk people is always a good time.  If any song in Christmas-dom represents England, it's this one.  Perhaps I'm just partial to the ancestral home of my forefathers, but I think it's impressive that regardless of what artist covers this song, and regardless of what genre the song's rendition falls under, it still sounds medieval.

Germany.  Little children singing in German is terrifying, and should be outlawed (I'm surprised it isn't already.)  Knowing what horrors the German people are capable of makes not knowing what these creepy little kids are singing about makes it all the more terrifying.  And with four different entries on this LP, did every one of them have to be a children's choir?  Seriously - it's like they're really trying to push the 'innocence' vibe on us (wonder what they're compensating for?)  Also, German music has way too many bells and chimes in it.  Shit's too much.

Switzerland.  I've never heard Swiss music before, and it's kinda depressing.  A melancholy piano playing a 'Fur Elise'-ish melody while what I can only assume are starving orphans lament sadly in a language that sounds like Germany's nicer little sister who gets better grades and actually got into art school.  This music sounds like the shit Ken Burns would play in one of his documentaries while they show black and white photographs of young children who were all killed in some monstrous accident.

Spain.  It shouldn't shock anyone that the Spanish number is a rollicking, high-energy affair - fit for dancing in gaudy colors and screaming into the night air.  Not a frickin' clue what they're singing about (sorry, Senora Wolf), but it's safe to assume it's about Christmas.  Aside from England, this is probably the second best country represented on this LP.

France.  This is a boring arrangement poorly executed by a male choir that sounds pompous, blustery, and full of themselves.  You know, just like the French.

What exactly happened during the 1957 Holiday Season, Maggie?

Italy.  I was expecting something more upbeat from the Italians - like what we had with Spain's entry, but with more sleaziness and not as much rollicking.  This number's pretty somber, and while not as depressing as, say, Switzerland, it brings the church vibes so strongly that one doesn't really want to celebrate the merriment of the Holidays.  It's like being offered wine but then finding out it's the shit-stuff they serve at Catholic communions.  Which, honestly, kinda makes sense now.

The Netherlands.  Another frickin' children's choir, this time singing in a language you only hear when you're on It's a Small World at Disney World.  It's almost impossible to separate this song from the creepy animatronics of that iconic ride, wearing little wooden shoes and dancing around in a circle around a windmill.  That's The Netherlands, right?  Or is that Holland?  Are those two the same thing?  I feel like I should know this, and I'm kind of embarrassed I don't.

In conclusion, don't go out and buy this for your collection.

VERDICT:  4/10 - Borophyll (A great concept, poorly executed.)

- SHELVED-

- Brian

Ep. CIV: 'The Season' - Steve Perry

Alright kids, let's get this Christmas party started with another round of Yuletide disappointment. . . 

Album Title:  The Season

Album Artist:  Steve Perry

This one I ended up buying off Amazon a few months ago, as it was on sale for a ridiculous $6 ('cause it was in the off months and that's really the best time to buy Holiday Vinyl) and I figured 'screw it, Journey's okay. . . I guess.'  One of those 'guilty pleasure' bands, falls under the category of So Bad, It's Good, right alongside Meatloaf and Motley Crue.  We all have guilty pleasure bands.

I should say, right out of the gate, that Steve Perry's nasally, high-pitched singing is not my cup of tea.  I've never liked him.  I've tolerated Journey all of these years because of the guitar work and catchiness of the songwriting, not his vocal prowess.  That's almost laughable.

You wanna know what's not laughable?  This album.

The Season isn't a rocking album by any means - it's a crooning album, the kind you'd expect to hear from the likes of Mel Torme or Michael Buble.  What's the big deal, you say?  Well, in this case, all you're left with is the absolute worst part about Journey:  Steve Perry's singing.  While not one my favorite singers (by a long shot), I could stomach him back in the '70s because he had that kicked-in-the-nuts, banshee-wailing style of singing that went hand-in-hand with the over-the-top guitar work (see: 'Wheel in the Sky.')  

Here we don't have that.  Here, we have high-pitched, old man singing, that never - not once - matches up with the music he's singing over.  His voice is a mere shadow of what it used to be, and you can almost feel the old man wrinkles in his vocal cords.  Instead of wrestling those once-easy high notes to the ground and making them his bitch, Perry shies away from them like a skittish deer.  He backs off so much that his singing feels weak and lame.  You know, like an injured deer.  Or the kind that get those warts all over their face 'cause of that one disease deer get.  I'm not sure what it's called, but you should look it up - it's terrifying.

This album feels hollow and empty, with a plastic, corporate sheen glazed over the entire thing.  The musicians performing on this are professionals, the mix is fine, but the arrangements are so run-of-the-mill that they could be the backing music for any washed up vocalist you could think of.  It's like they recorded the whole album in advance, then drew Steve Perry's name out of hat to fill in the blanks and call it a done deal.  The whole damn thing comes across as a frickin' cash grab.

At a measly eight songs in length, this is a really, really short album (mercifully.)  Four tracks on each side, and every, last one of them a slow, boring affair.  The fact they packaged this as a gatefold album with multiple inserts - all for eight songs - seems like overkill.  For the die-hard Steve Perry fan, this release is probably a cornerstone of their Holiday collection.  For the rest of us, we're left holding the shit-end of a Yuletide stick.

So, in summary, The Season features a nasally, washed up rock star crooning over typical, slow jazz arrangements that sound like everything else you've heard before - but done better - from countless other singers.  I was hoping for 'Dont Stop Believing' in Christmas form, but instead was left with Steve Perry taking a break from his County Fair circuit to try and remind us all of his relevancy.

Nice try, Steve.

VERDICT:  3/10 - Seriously? (Another Holiday disappointment from a washed up has-been.  I'm keeping this for the time being, if only to attempt selling this at a higher price in a couple years once the value goes up.  I'm giving him a pity point or two because nothing here is comically awful, and I could still walk away from this shit-show making $10 someday.)

- SHELVED-

- Brian

Ep. CIII: 'Hi-Fi Organ and Chimes at Christmastime: Familiar Favorites' - Norman Roye

 Welcome back to the Holliest, Jolliest, Musically-Snobbiest corner of Cyberspace. . .

Album Title:  Hi-Fi Organ and Chimes at Christmastime: Familiar Favorites

Album Artist:  Norman Roye

This is the sleepiest Holiday album I've listened to in quite some time. 

If you're a big fan of church organ, you'd probably love this one.  It seriously sounds like they just had an elderly guy - by the name of Norman Roye - walk in to a church, sit down at a church organ (and not just any church organ, mind you, but an Electronic Wurlizter) with a stack of Christmas sheet music, and start playing.  The sound engineer hit the 'record' button, the reels started spinning, and he stepped outside to have a cigarette (you know, because they frown at smoking inside a church.)  At one point, an old lady that works at the church decided to 'help out' and hit a chime a few times with a mallet.  Because the Spirit of Christmas.

"How long do you guys want me to keep playing this stuff?" the old man asks, wiping sweat off his liver-spotted, bald head.

"Until the reels stop, Norm," the sound engineer says, coming back in from his smoke break, "Just keep playing."

And so the old man, Norm, shrugs and continues playing what is quite possibly the most boring arrangements of these Christmas songs in existence.  The old man approaches this with mathematical efficiency:  he plays the sheet music as if he's doing chores, so technically it sounds like Christmas music, but in the way that a Christmas song sounds in an elevator.  

After reading through the back liner notes - who doesn't love liner notes - I've discovered that Norm is actually a 'young Canadian born American organist,' and not an old man.  I think this makes this worse, actually - someone young should have put more fire behind their playing, because this seriously sounds like someone dying in Wurlitzer-form.  Maybe that's the Canadian in him, I don't know.

VERDICT:  2/10 - Reality TV (Quite possibly the most boring album ever recorded by a 'young Canadian born American.'  I've been more enthralled watching my wife's under-watered plants slowly die on our kitchen window sill.)

- SHELVED-

- Brian

Ep. CII: 'Christmas Aloha' - Mark & Diane (The Hawaiians)

 Fasten your seat belts, America - it's time to shoot off to the tropical, Holiday land of. . . Wisconsin. . .

Album Title:  Christmas Aloha

Album Artist:  Mark & Diane - The Hawaiians

I couldn't help myself with this one.  This looks like one of the hokiest Christmas albums I've ever seen, and the promise of a Hawaiian-themed Christmas was too much to pass up.  Even if the music itself was an absolute train wreck - which it was bound to be - the album artwork alone was easily worth the $1 I spent on it.

So, looking at the photos that grace the front and back of this album sleeve, I'm assuming these two - Mark and Diane - are husband and wife, and if this is indeed the case then it should be equally assumed that the two young kids here are their offspring.  They all look related at any rate, they're all clearly Hawaiians, right?

It'd be pretty cringy if they had a casting call for 'Little Hawaiian Girls' just to put this album artwork together.

On closer inspection, what kinda weirds me out about the photos on this album sleeve is the fact that nothing that we see here - aside from Mark and Diane's hideous, matching shirts - exudes a 'Hawaiian' vibe in the slightest.  The kids are wearing long-sleeved and panted pajamas, as if it's cold out.  There's a Christmas tree (which, I believe, is not native to the Hawaiian Islands.)  There's a frickin' fireplace, which, you know, probably isn't needed in the tropical climate of the South Pacific (God knows we didn't have a fireplace in our houses down in Orlando.)  

For all we know, these guys might not even be from Hawaii.  This family probably lives in Wisconsin.

The same could be said about the music on this album, too - the title 'Christmas Aloha,' and the 'band' name 'The Hawaiians' is incredibly misleading.  Aside from the opening intro track of Side A 'Mele Kalikimaka' (which is only like a minute long, and sounds so forced that Bing's version comes across as sounding more authentic to the region), NOTHING on this album comes even close to sounding 'Hawaiian.'  

The whole album is an outright lie.

Diane does most of the singing on this album, and she sings well enough - in that woman-singing-at-church sorta way (you know, doing the whole tremolo thing too much) - with Mark coming in once and awhile to provide backing vocals in a higher-than-you'd expect pitch.  I'm not sure if what we have here is like an Ike and Tina Turner thing, where he just gets equal billing because he's a man and she does most of the heavy lifting, and he likes to think of himself as the 'brains' behind the operation.  I don't think I care enough to research this further.

Musically this sounds like a gospel album.  Apart from a medley on Side A, all the tunes on this LP are religious numbers, and while it's not all pipe-organ-and-bells (like you get with some churchy-sounding albums), it's got that Christian, G-rated sound to it that offends no one and could be played in front of the elderly and young children without ruffling any feathers. 

The arrangements, which definitely have that dated, late '70s, locally-recorded feel, all sound the same, and bleed into each other in a bland smear of Sunday service noise.  Lots of high-reaching notes, lots of pomp with horn flourishes and vocal belt-outs, plenty of xylophone.  They're really over-reaching with the production on this one, like Diane is trying her damnedest to be Julie Andrews, instead of, you know, some Wisconsin housewife with Hawaiian ancestry.  Mark just tries to stay relevant through the album, popping up once and awhile to let everyone know he's still there, and - on hilarious occasion - flexing his chops to give off a Pavoratti-ish warble that falls as flat as his six-inch lapels.

In summary, this album had to have been a definite kick to the balls for anyone who went out of their way to purchase a Hawaiian-themed Christmas album.  I bet the folks from their church loved it - because, you know, it showcased the diversity of their congregation (I guess) - but besides them, I bet a lot of folks were left pretty pissed off having spent money on this one.

I know I am.

VERDICT:  3/10 - Seriously? (A dumpy couple from Everywhere, USA cons folks out of a few bucks by recording a church album with the false promise of 'Hawaiian' music, exploiting their children along the way.)

- SHELVED-

- Brian

Ep. CI: 'Christmas with Henry Mancini/Eddy Arnold'

Welp, we got ourselves a Buy One/Get One Free sorta thing going on this evening, folks - strap yourselves in. . .

Album Title:  Christmas with Henry Mancini/Christmas with Eddy Arnold

Album Artist:  Henry Mancini/Eddy Arnold

So obviously I picked this one up because I have never - ever - come across something like this on a record before, Christmas or not.  When I first picked it up from the Dollar Bin at Radio Wasteland, I saw 'Christmas with Henry Mancini' scrawled across the top, with a picture of some goofy-looking schmuck that looks like he's really trying to get you into that secondhand Dodge Dart he swears isn't gonna be around on his lot for very much longer.  I therefore figured this would be a hokey album, and well worth a buck, so I tucked it into my other arm and continued browsing through records.

You can imagine my surprise when, when reshuffling the stack of vinyl I had accumulated in my arms up to this point, I noticed upon second glance that it wasn't Henry Mancini at all, but some much more stiff-looking guy by the name of Eddy Arnold.  The schmoozey car salesman was gone, and now here was a father figure that wants you to sit down at the kitchen table for a sec, sport, so he can ask you about the pack of Marlboro Reds and the condoms he found in the glove box of your car.

It took me longer than I care to admit before I realized that I hadn't imagined the whole 'Henry Mancini being on the cover' thing, and that this album was, in fact, double-sided.  Not a double-LP, mind you:  double-sided.  On one side, this is a Henry Mancini album, and on the other, it's an Eddy Arnold album.

I didn't know you could do that.

Anyway, I struggled with reviewing these as two separate albums - seeing how it's one artist on each side - but ultimately sided against that approach because the producers of this LP decided on releasing it as a single album.  So that's what you get, folks - we're lumping these two together.  For better or for worse.

I'll start with Henry Mancini.  Side A.

This sounds the easy-listening, hometown-y, white bread sorta nonsense that every, last one of your grandparents listened to back in the 1950s.  It sounds like something I'd find on a cassette in my step-grandparents' conversion van back in the day.  I'm not sure if this Mancini guy is the singer, or just the composer, but in either case it's beyond boring.  

I could easily fall asleep to this one:  there are few highs and lows to be found on Side A, everything just keeps the same tempo, the same mix volume, the same instrumentation, the same everything.  While nothing is really worth making fun of, per se (at least not in a comical, fun way), it's hard to find any redeeming qualities in this side at all.  This is just another easy-listening album that is so non-offensive you could get away playing it in church.

And not a liberal church, mind you - one of the ones that think gays are evil and Democrats drink baby blood.

So how about this Eddy Arnold fella, let's talk about this guy.  I had heard of Mancini before - I'm no stranger to thrift stores, and have spent my fair share of time digging in vain through piles of musty and ill-kept Goodwill records - but I had never heard of Arnold.  

Giving this second side a listen, there's not a huge difference between Arnold's side and Mancini's side - they're equally boring - but if I had to be picky I'd say Arnold's arrangements aren't quite as sleepy.  It still classifies as easy listening, but the volume is literally louder (noticeably, and I didn't adjust my receiver) and the instruments are equally more brash.  There are more horns - the 50s definitely enjoyed their brass, without the swinging fun that accompanied the brass of the '60s - and, sadly, a lot more pipe organ.  The singer has a little more confidence in himself, too, and attempts to belt out his church-friendly, non-offensive carols like his voice alone has the power to drop elderly grandmother panties.

What's more than a little disturbing is the fact that, back in the day, it probably did.  Let that one sink in for a hot minute.  Alas, even that superpower fails to impress Yours Truly - that's nowhere near enough to save this snooze-fest from the donation bin. 

VERDICT:  4/10 - Borophyll (Double Trouble in the form of Henry Mancini and Eddy Arnold, bringing Nap Time into town like it's no one's business.  Lock up your grannies, America. . .)

- SHELVED-

- Brian

Ep. C: The 100th Episode

*cue elaborate fanfare*

We did it, folks.  100 Episodes of the greatest Holiday Vinyl review series on the World Wide Web (I assume - I doubt there's another asshole out there doing this.)

Because this is a special event (of sorts), I decided to mix things up a little bit with this installment.  It felt like too much of an honor for any shitty, old Christmas album pulled out of a dollar bin at a local record store to be scrutinized on this 100th Episode.  So, instead, I decided to re-evaluate a few of the past installments that were deemed acceptable enough to remain in my collection, but are now getting donated.

Bottom line is I'm running out of room in my Christmas Music crate - some of these mediocre LPs needed to be liquidated in order to make room for new additions later on down the road.  And, odds are, we'll be having another one of these mass-execution episodes in a few years - I can't just keep buying records and keeping them.  Kris would kill me.

So, without further adieu, here's the list of those old relics that are being taken out to pasture:

Album Title:  Remembering Christmas with the Big Bands

Album Artist:  Various Artists

Featured On:  Ep. 2 (Nov. 23, 2015)

Rating:  6

This album wasn't terrible, per se, but in the seven years since I reviewed this one I haven't put it on the turntable to listen to once.  Not once.  Jazz is one of those genres where you have to be in the right mood for it, and when that rare mood arises during the Holiday season when I feel like listening to jazz, I usually gravitate towards the likes of the Vince Guaraldi Trio, Sinatra, or Bing.  Sorry, Glenn Miller and Co., but the ship has sailed for you guys.

I'm sure there are thousands of World War II vets rolling in their graves over this decision, but whatever.

Album Title:  Your Favorite Christmas Music, Volume 4

Album Artist:  Various Artists

Featured On:  Ep. 6 (Dec. 1, 2015)

Rating:  6

Another perfect example of 'this is okay, but I have other LPs that are better.'  This compilation from the good people over at Firestone (seriously, what the f***) is fine example of contemporary '50s/60s music that was all the rage back in the day, but was over-shadowed by the counter-culture surge of Rock and Roll and 'the negro music.'  Traditional artists doing larger-than-necessary renditions of Christmas classics.  I honestly can't believe I gave this one a '6' seven years ago - had I reviewed this today it would probably be a '4' or a '5,' but back then I was new-ish at analyzing Christmas albums and was a little nicer when giving out scores.  Now that I'm a grumpy old man, I realize that this sounds like so many other boring Holiday albums I've reviewed over the years, and it has no business being in my record collection.

Sorry, (Mary Poppins.)

Album Title:  Enchantment of Christmas

Album Artist:  Various Artists

Featured On:  Ep. 10 (Dec. 8, 2015)

Rating:  7

This one is actually pretty good, and I don't have anything negative to really say about it - it's a great compilation of 50s/60s Christmas music.  Unfortunately, this version is in that VG/G+ range in terms of sound quality: no skips or pops, but some definite surface noise, and if I'm going to hold on to a record I want to make sure I have a decent copy of it.  More than that, however, is the fact that I already have every, last one of these songs on a multi-record, boxed set that's in NM condition, so owning this LP is, honestly, kinda redundant. 

Album Title:  The Little Drummer Boy

Album Artist:  The Abbey Chorale

Featured On:  Ep. 17 (Dec. 20, 2015)

Rating:  6

This one I felt bad about getting rid of at first, but then I realized the error in my ways back in 2015.  See, when I first reviewed this one, I wrongly assumed that this version of 'The Little Drummer Boy' was the definitive one - the classic one from the 1950's that everyone knows.  I can't be faulted too much for that, because it sounds nearly identical, but the version I was thinking about was the famous rendition by The Harry Simeone Chorale (1958.)  That (better) version I already own on an existing Holiday compilation, so there's no reason for me owning an album such as this if the only reason I'm doing so is because of that song.  The rest of the album is okay - like I said before, it's churchy, but done well - but I've rarely listened to it in the years since reviewing it the first time.  

I don't get the need to listen to church music very often (if ever), so this one's getting pitched as well.

Album Title:  What if Mozart Wrote Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas?

Album Artist:  The Hampton String Quartet

Featured On:  Ep. 22 (Dec. 1, 2016)

Rating:  6

I love Classical music, and I love Christmas music, so this one should be a knock out of the park, but it just doesn't work for me.  I've actually listened to this one on occasion since hearing it for the first time back in 2016, and every time I do so I get bored with it.  It's a cool enough concept in theory, but the execution doesn't leave one with feeling the Yuletide vibes at all.  Most of the songs on here require active listening in order to identify a familiar Holiday melody, and that kinda dampens this one on the ol' Fun scale.

Album Title:  A Merry Christmas to You

Album Artist:  David Rose and His Orchestra

Featured On:  Ep. 71 (Dec. 8, 2020)

Rating:  6

This is a pretty solid instrumental album, and sounds like the orchestral, backing music to any one of the countless '50s compilations I've reviewed in the past.  It sounds like the sort of music Sinatra or Bing sang over, and it's mixed well - great background music for the Holiday season.  That being said, this copy is in pretty rough shape, and I have other instrumental albums that I gravitate more towards during the Holiday season.  Like I stated originally, there aren't a lot of highs and lows on this album to keep the listener engaged:  the medleys keep things from getting too boring, but a lot of it starts to sound the same after awhile.  All in all, I'd recommend it for sure if a.) you have a decent copy and b.) don't have anything else similar in your collection.

Album Title:  Christmas with The Canadian Brass and the Great Organ of St. Patrick's Cathedral

Album Artist:  The Canadian Brass

Featured On:  Ep. 90 (Dec. 15, 2021)

Rating:  6

How this LP still works is beyond me - it's not bad at all, but it's not necessarily great either.  It's just okay.  Like all of the other albums in today's post, there's not a lot to complain about, but there are better options in my collection, and I have to trim fat from somewhere.  I held on to this one because of the sheer balls of the brass section - it's not a sound you hear often on a Christmas album, so last year I deemed it was worth holding on to.  I would probably still be holding on to it if I hadn't just had my socks blown off a few days ago when reviewing this similar-but-better, brass-heavy Christmas album.

VERDICT:  n/a (We bid farewell to a few mediocre installments from the previous seven or eight years that were once deemed good enough to remain in Holiday Rotation, but shall now walk The Green Mile in order to make room for new additions in the coming years.)

- SHELVED -

- Brian

Ep. XCIX: 'A Christmas Album: New Songs for an Old Celebration' - Connie Kaldor

 Welcome back to the Holliest, Jolliest, Musically-Snobbiest corner of Cyberspace. . .

Album Title:  A Christmas Album: New Songs for an Old Celebration

Album Artist:  Connie Kaldor

Whatever I thought I was going to end up with when purchasing this record a month ago. . . dear Christ, I was wrong.  

Without a doubt, today's LP was purchased solely because of the album cover art, which - while disgusting to look at - provides us with zero clues as to what the actual record is going to sound like.  There's no one famous listed anywhere on the album cover, just a 'Connie Kaldor' (as if any of us know who the hell that is.)  There's a date (Nov. 4, 186) and a radio station scrawled across the top of the album in ugly, green marker; WGNC-FM, which, when I looked up it up on the ol' Internet, is a Christian radio station broadcasting from Constantine, Michigan.

I have no idea where that is.

Who decorates a tree like this. . .

Anyway, the album cover is as random and ugly as the tracks of this LP, folks.  The first song on Side A - 'Last Month of the Year' sounds like a slave spiritual song that had been passed down through the generations until it ended up in some evangelical church somewhere in the Deep South, where the Whites got a hold of it and made it their own.  This is out of place enough, but then 'Island Santa' starts and suddenly we're listening to a poppy, 80's calypso number that reminds one of the music you'd expect to hear playing behind the intro credits of a 1980s comedy that takes place on a beach somewhere in the Caribbean.  It's a poorly-contrived impression of Jimmy Buffet's take on Christmas music, and - like every other artist who tries to rip off Buffet - it falls flat on its face.

As the album plays on, I find myself becoming more and more annoyed with Connie's delivery.  She can carry notes (a little), but her voice never sounds authentic.  It's like she couldn't decide what kind of album she should cut with this LP, so she just waltzed into her local recording studio and said 'screw it, we're doing everything.'

Connie changes her singing styles as often as the tracks on this album change genres, and it's. . . really annoying.  'Mincemeat Tart' and 'Christmas Time (Gonna Be Home)' (who the f*** decided a song with a title like this warranted placement on a frickin' Christmas album) sounds like she's trying too hard to hard to be the love child of Melissa Ethridge and George Thorogood, with an imitation raspy, whiskey-burnt throat.  With  'Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas,' in contrast, she sounds like the best singer in the choir of your Contemporary Service at your local church (you know, the service that starts at 11:15am, so you can sleep in a little, but it's not as quality as the 9am Traditional Service.)

And on the 'country' numbers like 'If We Make It to December' or  'Cowboy Christmas'?  Don't jump to conclusions now and assume she's trying to do her shitty impressions of Dolly, Tammy, or Loretta.  Nope.  On these ones she sounds more like when Barney (yes, the purple dinosaur) and his gaggle of underage hangers-on visit a farm and they bring out some shitty 'farmhand' to show the kids what life on the farm is like, and then they of course break out in song.

It's that shitty.

One final note on this one, folks.  There are 'musicians' listed here on the back of the album cover, but most of the music on this record could just as well be a pre-recorded backing track (because most of the 'instruments' sound like it's a loop on some 'state of the art' 1980s Casio keyboard.)  There's some guitar work here and there, but this is probably performed by the same earring-ed, pony-tailed guy that owns the recording studio.  He's probably part of the recording package she purchased.

So yeah.  This one was really, really weird, guys.

VERDICT:  4/10 - Borophyll (A Canadian grifter from the 1980s throws just about everything at the wall to see what sticks, and ends up giving us one of the most inconsistent and comically bad Christmas albums of the season.  It's actually just like the ugly Christmas tree from the album cover, but in song form.)

- SHELVED-

- Brian