Time to pour yourself a Christmas cocktail and strap yourself in for a Holiday trip around the ancestral home of White People. . .
Album Title: Christmas in Europe
Album Artist: Various Artists
After all these years of checking out Christmas vinyl, folks, we all know - very, very well - that cool ideas don't always pan out the way they were supposed to. This compilation of Holiday music from Europe is a classic example. There are 44 countries in Europe, right? Well, out of this album's 14 songs (so, right off the bat, 30 countries don't get any representation), five of these are from England and four are from Germany (apparently better known as the Main Characters of Europe.) That leaves a mere five songs, with one each from Italy, Switzerland, Spain, The Netherlands, and - ugh - France.
Seven countries, guys. Tough shit, Estonia - maybe next time.So musically this album is kinda blah - it's all recorded with very similar instrumentation and vocal-heavy sound levels, so despite by being recorded by different groups (each representing their own home country) it all kinda ends up sounding the same. While none of the music is downright horrible, it get certainly gets super boring real quick, and one's left feeling cheated. What might make this one easier to analyze is to break these song selections down by country - mix things up a bit:
England. Hands down, this country sounds the most like 'Christmas' (which is only understandable because we're England's estranged offspring.) I'm gonna officially state this for the record, 'Good King Wenceslas' is a f***ing banger. That song sounds like it was written by happy drunk people for happy drunk people, and watching happy drunk people is always a good time. If any song in Christmas-dom represents England, it's this one. Perhaps I'm just partial to the ancestral home of my forefathers, but I think it's impressive that regardless of what artist covers this song, and regardless of what genre the song's rendition falls under, it still sounds medieval.
Germany. Little children singing in German is terrifying, and should be outlawed (I'm surprised it isn't already.) Knowing what horrors the German people are capable of makes not knowing what these creepy little kids are singing about makes it all the more terrifying. And with four different entries on this LP, did every one of them have to be a children's choir? Seriously - it's like they're really trying to push the 'innocence' vibe on us (wonder what they're compensating for?) Also, German music has way too many bells and chimes in it. Shit's too much.
Switzerland. I've never heard Swiss music before, and it's kinda depressing. A melancholy piano playing a 'Fur Elise'-ish melody while what I can only assume are starving orphans lament sadly in a language that sounds like Germany's nicer little sister who gets better grades and actually got into art school. This music sounds like the shit Ken Burns would play in one of his documentaries while they show black and white photographs of young children who were all killed in some monstrous accident.
Spain. It shouldn't shock anyone that the Spanish number is a rollicking, high-energy affair - fit for dancing in gaudy colors and screaming into the night air. Not a frickin' clue what they're singing about (sorry, Senora Wolf), but it's safe to assume it's about Christmas. Aside from England, this is probably the second best country represented on this LP.
France. This is a boring arrangement poorly executed by a male choir that sounds pompous, blustery, and full of themselves. You know, just like the French.
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| What exactly happened during the 1957 Holiday Season, Maggie? |
Italy. I was expecting something more upbeat from the Italians - like what we had with Spain's entry, but with more sleaziness and not as much rollicking. This number's pretty somber, and while not as depressing as, say, Switzerland, it brings the church vibes so strongly that one doesn't really want to celebrate the merriment of the Holidays. It's like being offered wine but then finding out it's the shit-stuff they serve at Catholic communions. Which, honestly, kinda makes sense now.
The Netherlands. Another frickin' children's choir, this time singing in a language you only hear when you're on It's a Small World at Disney World. It's almost impossible to separate this song from the creepy animatronics of that iconic ride, wearing little wooden shoes and dancing around in a circle around a windmill. That's The Netherlands, right? Or is that Holland? Are those two the same thing? I feel like I should know this, and I'm kind of embarrassed I don't.
In conclusion, don't go out and buy this for your collection.
VERDICT: 4/10 - Borophyll (A great concept, poorly executed.)
- SHELVED-
- Brian
