Ep. CIII: 'Hi-Fi Organ and Chimes at Christmastime: Familiar Favorites' - Norman Roye

 Welcome back to the Holliest, Jolliest, Musically-Snobbiest corner of Cyberspace. . .

Album Title:  Hi-Fi Organ and Chimes at Christmastime: Familiar Favorites

Album Artist:  Norman Roye

This is the sleepiest Holiday album I've listened to in quite some time. 

If you're a big fan of church organ, you'd probably love this one.  It seriously sounds like they just had an elderly guy - by the name of Norman Roye - walk in to a church, sit down at a church organ (and not just any church organ, mind you, but an Electronic Wurlizter) with a stack of Christmas sheet music, and start playing.  The sound engineer hit the 'record' button, the reels started spinning, and he stepped outside to have a cigarette (you know, because they frown at smoking inside a church.)  At one point, an old lady that works at the church decided to 'help out' and hit a chime a few times with a mallet.  Because the Spirit of Christmas.

"How long do you guys want me to keep playing this stuff?" the old man asks, wiping sweat off his liver-spotted, bald head.

"Until the reels stop, Norm," the sound engineer says, coming back in from his smoke break, "Just keep playing."

And so the old man, Norm, shrugs and continues playing what is quite possibly the most boring arrangements of these Christmas songs in existence.  The old man approaches this with mathematical efficiency:  he plays the sheet music as if he's doing chores, so technically it sounds like Christmas music, but in the way that a Christmas song sounds in an elevator.  

After reading through the back liner notes - who doesn't love liner notes - I've discovered that Norm is actually a 'young Canadian born American organist,' and not an old man.  I think this makes this worse, actually - someone young should have put more fire behind their playing, because this seriously sounds like someone dying in Wurlitzer-form.  Maybe that's the Canadian in him, I don't know.

VERDICT:  2/10 - Reality TV (Quite possibly the most boring album ever recorded by a 'young Canadian born American.'  I've been more enthralled watching my wife's under-watered plants slowly die on our kitchen window sill.)

- SHELVED-

- Brian

Ep. XCI: 'The Sound of Christmas' - Living Strings

Happy Holidays, music lovers.  Try to stay awake through this one. . . 

Album Title:  The Sound of Christmas

Album Artist:  Living Strings

We're met today with yet another Dollar Bin offering, though I'm not sure from where or when I got this one - could've been Radio Wasteland, Bethesda, Salvation Army, whatever.  It certainly wasn't from Dottie herself - I don't know any Dottie's - but I feel like this isn't the first time I've come across her obvious old lady scrawl across an album cover.  I'm pretty sure I've reviewed a few of her donations in the past.

Anyway.

Guys, this album is from our good friends the Living Strings, a company orchestra that releases orchestral versions of popular songs, something that was all the rage back in the 50s and 60s.  This sort of record can be easily found at your local thrift store, because everyone over the age of 60 has crates of this shit lying around because they couldn't buy enough of these records back in the day.  

So you take a melody you like, remove the vocals, and replace the original backing music with a soft string section, and - voila - you have yourself an album tailored for background music.  This practice is still done today with artists like Piano Guys, Two Cellos, Vitamin String Quartet, etc. - people like the tune of a popular song but want it scaled down for background music.  It makes sense, and I actually own a lot of it (or have it in several of my Amazon Music playlists) - it's good for reading, digital graphic design, etc.

Well, while the intentions here are certainly laudable, the execution of the Living Strings is not.  While this is indeed background music, this particular album succeeds so well at accomplishing 'background' that it practically disappears entirely.  The whole point of background music is that you don't have to actively listen to it, that you can focus on something else and have it going in the background to hold back the silence.  With this album, you have to consciously listen to it because, if you don't, you'll forget it's even on.

It's nearly impossible to determine when one song ends and another begins, because every track on this album plays at the same tempo, pitch, and volume - there's zero dynamics on this album, and no variation in song arrangement.  One has to mentally check in from time to time in order to figure out what song they're listening to, and that, for me, defeats the whole purpose of background music.

This album isn't terrible, because the arrangements themselves aren't bad and it's obvious the musicians themselves are talented, but because of the lack of variety in the instrumental songs it is incredibly boring.  And I mean really boring.  Watching paint dry boring, folks.

They should have a warning on the cover of this one kinda like they do with Benadryl, because it will make you drowsy.

VERDICT:  4/10 - Borophyll (This snooze-fest succeeds so much at 'background music' that it fades from existence entirely.  Don't use while operating heavy machinery.)

- SHELVED -

- Brian

Ep. LXXVII: 'Christmas Around the World' - Svend Saaby Choir

 Well folks, it looks like we're about to get some multi-cultural Christmas spirit up in here this evening.  Hold on to your butts. . . 

Album Title:  Christmas Around the World

Album Artist:  Svend Saaby Choir

Okay, first things first:  you can't really call an album Christmas Around the World when the only nations you're pulling jams from is White People Countries.  If you're gonna call it anything, call it Christmas Around Europe (feat. USA.)  And don't give me that bullshit about "wElL tHoSe ArE tHe OnLy CoUnTrIeS tHaT cElEBrAtE cHrIsTmAs."  Most Latin American countries do, too.  So do Eastern European countries, for that matter.  And a shit-load of Asia.

For f***'s sake, people.

Secondofly, let's not give any false impression here concerning the 'Christmas' songs that are being pulled from around the world.  The album promises, one would think, songs that culturally summarize the nation they hail from.  For example, this 'Good King Wenceslas,' from England - that one makes sense, 100%.  It sounds rather English, I should think.

But what about the American song?  When you think 'America,' dear readers, what Christmas selections come to mind?  Are you thinking it might be something classic and rock n' roll at heart, like 'Run Rudolph Run,' by Chuck motherf***ing Berry?  Or some other fun Holiday jam that highlights everything that is America ("I Wanna Hippopotamus for Christmas," perhaps?)

Just look at these. . . . classics.

Nope.  The good ol' U.S. of A. instead brought to the table two lackluster pieces - 'O, Little Town of Bethlehem' and 'Rise Up, Shepherd.'  For Christ's sake, I haven't even heard of that latter one.

I neglected to put two and two together when purchasing this album (I think from Radio Wasteland, but who knows), but all it is a collection of boring church carols.  Some you've heard of, others you haven't.  Now, technically these are Christmas songs, fine. . . but there's nothing fun to be had, here.  I don't care what language the choir is singing in, it's still a boring church service, and there's nothing anyone can do about it.  There's a fun little Spanish song on Side 2, I guess, but it's like 45 seconds long. . . then you're right back to where you started.  Trying not to doze off in church.

What kinda irritates me with this compilation is that it's a cool concept that had lot of promise at one point, but instead ended up getting slathered in blandness.  Instead of selecting songs that highlight the culture of every country, they select songs that all sound the same (boring church arrangements) and then just have the choir  - oh, yes, it's the same choir for all the songs on this release - sing the songs in different languages.  The Svend Saaby Choir, ladies and gentlemen.  They're not even professional singers - just folks who like singin'.

Good grief.

I mean, how cool would it be to have, say, 'Run Rudolph Run' for the U.S. of A, 'Good King Wenceslas' by England, 'Feliz Navidad' by Mexico (I assume), then a bunch of random-ass jams that represent the Holidays in other countries from Nigeria to Japan?  I'd spend money on that, for sure.  I'm sure some of those tracks would be straight-up garbage, but it'd be a hell of an entertaining listen at least.

Not like this empty shell of a once-intriguing idea, all crammed up with your grandparents' favorite church music.

VERDICT:  3/10 - Seriously? (Behold - The Blands Across the World.  I was gonna give this a '4' for just being boring, but I'm slightly irritated with this release 'cause it was a pretty cool concept that they just frickin' botched all to hell.)

- SHELVED -

- Brian