Ep. CXIII: 'Christmas in Tahoe' - Train

Who's got two thumbs and is ready to rate some mediocre, Holiday corporate rock? *points both thumbs at self*  This guy is. . .

Album Title:  Christmas in Tahoe

Album Artist:  Train

For $11, I picked this up on Amazon back in June of 2022. I'm not a fan of Train, but figured since they're a somewhat recognizable band and this thing is pressed on limited-edition, translucent green vinyl, I'd eventually be able to resell it at a later date for probably two or three times that price if I ever needed to.

And guys, it looks like I'm going to need to.

What exactly is the purpose of a boat like this - is it a fishing boat? 

For those of you unfamiliar with this particular band, Train kinda broke out in the late '90s and fell into that 'return-to-rock' niche that emerged during the peak days of nu-metal, alongside bands like, say, Fuel (trying to take the 'real rock' torch from The Black Crowes of the early 90s.) A year or two later, the garage rock revival landed - with bands like The Strokes, The White Stripes, and The Hives - mercifully saving mankind from nu-metal once and for all. . . and consequently side-lining bands like Train that were prancing around in leather bands and unbuttoned shirts, trying to be The Stones.

Re-branding themselves in order to stay in the limelight, bands like Train softened their sound and became more approachable. Songs about cocaine were switched to songs about getting lost in some chick's eyes. Instead of being the CD a true rock fan would reach for while driving around in his car, this is the sort of CD he could find in his girlfriend's car. (That girl, by the way, is a preppy, sorority type, but she saw the video of their one song on MTV and liked the chorus hook. . . and she is dating a rock guy, after all. Just to get back at her dad.)

Anyway, the band itself is good for what it does. . . I just don't care for it.  Can the vocalist sing well?  100%, he's got a good voice.  Is the band tight?  You bet, they've been around for, like, 25 years.  For fans of friendly, clean radio rock fine-tuned by music executives - One Republic, Imagine Dragons, etc. - this Holiday album is probably a no-brainer.  

And that's exactly whom I'm hoping will buy this album from me. 

So, let's play Devil's Advocate here for a sec and imagine that Yours Truly used to like Train back in the day and picked this up for nostalgic purposes.  Would this Holiday album work?  Maybe. While the singer has impressive range, and the band is clearly talented on their respective instruments, they fail to make any of these songs theirs. They come across like some hired Wedding Band, being handed a list of Christmas songs the Bride wants performed at her wedding (why she wants to have Christmas music performed at her wedding is beyond any of us at this point.) This album has the energy of sober karaoke performed by people who were dragged up onto the stage by their drunken friends, and are clearly keeping an eye on the exit.

There are some original songs on here, but none of them deliver - it all sounds like radio rock (soft and inoffensive) performed by a band that last had a hit, like, over a decade ago. There's no identity in this music, no soul, no fire inside the musicians - the entire two records sound like its been done by a cover band. These songs will be forgotten immediately, never receive widespread radio play (if any), and will never once be covered by amateur or professional alike.  

The moral of this story, kids, is that if you're going to make a cover album, you need to bring something to the table that makes the songs your own. We're to the point where Holiday albums are a blank canvas where artists can pick and choose the public domain titles they want to cover. So one is free to craft and shape the Holiday album of their choice, there's no excuse for something like this particular album. You need to put your heart and soul into it, because true music fans can tell in a heartbeat when you're just calling it in in order to pick up a paycheck.

VERDICT:  6/10 - Decent (A washed up band from the early 2000s bring their corporate rock sound to the stage in order to deliver cover band -quality renditions of Holiday favorites. . . and a few uninspired originals. It gets a couple points because the band is clearly talented, and at no point at all is this album terrible, but its overall soullessness speaks volumes and prohibits me from every listening to this ever again.)

- SHELVED- 

- Brian

Ep. CXII: 'Weihnachten mit Heintje' - Heintje

Prepare thyselves for an auditory journey back through time, back to festive Cold War Europe. . . .

Album Title:  Weihnachten mit Heintje

Album Artist:  Heintje

So obviously this was purchased because I figured it was going to be a total train wreck right out of the gate. I mean, just look at this thing:  a.) it's clearly a German album and will feature tons of comically awful German singing, b.) it features a boy with arguably the most punchable face in existence as its cover model, and c.) it cost a whopping $3 from Radio Wasteland. One could assume that what we'd find here is a lot of warbling (in German), some poorly-mixed church service type arrangements, and - boy, if we're lucky - some creepy childrens choirs doing background vocal work.

Kinda hard to pass up something this promising, folks.

Upon dropping the needle, one's met with a woman gently singing 'Silent Night' (though, in German, we spell that all weird in the track listing.) Song itself isn't horrible, it is what it is. . . a German woman singing 'Silent Night.' In German. She can carry a tune (in German), and the musical accompaniment itself is your run-of-the-mill arrangement, so this is just more of the usual Holiday background music.  Just, you know, in a foreign language.

But that's where the Christmas train stops, folks. The following songs on this album (aside from the old 'O Tannenbaum,' which I believe is Germanic in origin anyway) don't sound like any other Christmas song I've ever heard of before, and not only because they're sung in German. I don't even think these are church songs, I have no idea what they're doing on a Holiday album at all. These could be songs about hiking in the Alps, or driving a car down the Autobahn on a Sunday afternoon, or rounding up an entire race of people based on their religious views and carting them off into Poland in order to contribute to your ongoing war effort (before 'disappearing.')

You know, German stuff.

Then, for reasons unknown, we have 'Ba Ba Black Sheep.' Or 'Twinkle, Twinkle Litter Star,' or 'The Alphabet Song.' Take your pic, guys, it's all the same f***ing melody. Regardless of which of these three songs this lady is singing (because I'm too lazy to look any of this up in Google Translate), this song is just bad. They wheeled out a bunch of Aryan Nation youth to sing background vocals on this, and little children singing in German isn't something that ever needs to be recorded. These kids could very well be the most angelic little cherubs that God ever placed on this Earth, but when singing in German?  Hell no, it scares the shit out of me. Even worse when it's children's tunes like this.

Which begs the question, why was this included on this frickin' Christmas album in the first place?

Well, aside from the opening track on Side A - where someone on the volume slider goes a little goofy fading into a barrage of ringing Christmas bells, as if Quasimodo himself was all hopped up on coke and going ape-shit up in the rafters of some stuffy, church bell tower - the production value on this album is surprisingly decent.  The vocals and instruments are balanced, the songs fade in and out as they should, and the arrangements themselves (for the most part, excluding a couple I'll mention here in a bit) are satisfactory.

Folks, this album was definitely produced by someone with money, which got me curious and led me to look up this album on the ol' Internet.

Holy shit, folks.

Nice turtleneck shirt you got there, Franz.

Turns out what I had assumed was a German Woman singing is, in fact, a Belgian Boy.  The same boy (with the aforementioned punchable face) that graces the album cover. Not a woman at all, but a Cold War era teen idol of sorts. Apparently this poorly-named Heintje made a crap-load of pop-friendly albums back in the mid-60s to mid-70s, and was immensely popular in foreign markets. Like, all the rage in early '70s China, if you can believe that. I guess more power to him - he found himself a niche making shitty pop albums in German, Dutch, and Belgian languages.

But, like the atrocities carried out by The Fatherland during World War II, this 'Christmas' album is inexcusable.

VERDICT:  4/10 - Borophyll (I was going to rate this higher - like, maybe a '5' - but there aren't nearly enough recognizable Christmas songs on here. While not terrible, per se, this ain't Cold War Germany, this is 'Merica - and in this country we like our Christmas albums Supersized with Holiday jams, Heintje.)

- SHELVED-

- Brian

Ep. CXI: 'Christmas Tyme' - Englebert Humperdink

Dear Jesus. Lock up your grandmothers, America - Diet Tom Jones is here. . .

Album Title:  Christmas Tyme

Album Artist:  Englebert Humperdink

Humperdink, your reputation proceeds you.

And by that, I mean Tom Jones' reputation.

Englebert (what kind of loveless mother even thinks of naming her little, baby boy that abomination, by the way) has made a career out of being a Tom Jones knock-off. Like, if you wanted 'Tom Jones' but felt that the price was steep on Amazon, you'd try and order Tom Jones on, say, Ali Express - the large, East Asian online market where shit takes about eight weeks to reach you, and it's always a gamble of what's actually going to show up at your door. 

Sure, it only costs about a third of the price as the legit item on Amazon, but. . . sometimes you open up the box, months after ordering your Tom Jones, and find yourself with a shrink-wrapped Englebert Humperdink instead. And the box is covered in weird scribble-scrabble symbols that don't make sense in the slightest.

And also the box smells weird. But hey, you saved yourself some money, right?

Guys, seriously. This dude's name is only the tip of the iceberg of what's wrong with this Holiday offering. Can he carry a tune? Yeah, sure. . . but so can Tom Jones, and if I wanted this type of singing, I'd just go tell my nearby Alexa device to play me some motherf***ing Tom Jones. 

Because I do not own Tom Jones on vinyl.

This guy looks like the sort of man who drugs his dates and beats his wives. The sweater, while sorta festive (if we're knit-picking - see what I did there?), it doesn't seem necessary. . . since the guy is clearly standing in front of a cheap, photo background. I think the guys in charge of the overall design of this album art should be beaten to death with the severed limbs of their children. Maybe at first glance there's not a lot to criticize, but from what we've seen on this here blog of mine over the years is far superior album packaging from much more obscure artists. 

You blew it, assholes.

I mean hell, we don't even get a 'from our house to yours' message scrawled on the back side of the outer sleeve. . . just super shitty fonts and a couple guys' names who were involved in releasing this shitshow.

Anyway, what's the music itself like?  Well, there's a lot of crooning, a lot of belting out when it's not necessary, a lot of overly-dramatic strings. . . pretty much what I figured going into this. This is '60s casino music for sexually neglected housewives, and about all it has going for it is that the poor son of a bitch whose job it was to mix this release at least knew what they were doing. Instruments and vocals are mixed well, songs fade in an out appropriately, etc. - it's clear that there was a competent adult somewhere in the production of this album.

The novelty - if we can even call it that - with this release is that Side A is a run of the mill collection of Christmas songs, which fine, whatever. Side B, however, is actually four, distinct medleys of Christmas songs. . . each with some kinda 'theme' that are cleverly (or not-so-cleverly) spelled incorrectly in order to match the title.

So is 'tyme' more old timey than 'time'? Why is this purposely spelled wrong so many times (or should I say, tymes) throughout the album? I'd think they were just trying to be vintage or something, but then again, based on the rest of this album cover's design, maybe they're just idiots and don't know how to spell. Could go either way. 

Anyway, in summary:

Does your grandma enjoy Tom Jones?  Can she not afford an authentic Tom Jones Christmas album this Holiday season?  Do casino-quality, buffet-proximity music acts and sleazy string sections get her feeling young again? Do men in their early 50s who start drinking vodka cranberries at 10am on a Wednesday get those grandma juices flowing? 

Then boy howdy, do I ever have the Christmas album for you. . . .

VERDICT:  3/10 - Seriously? (Get the f*** out of here with this nonsense, Englebert. And just so you know, I prefer Prince Humperdink from The Princess Bride over this crap. And that dude employed six-fingered men and considered Andre the Giant a reliable source of freelance labor.) 

- SHELVED-

- Brian

Ep. CX: 'A Very Cool Christmas, Vol. 2' - Various Artists

Hey gang, welcome back - pour yourself a Christmas cocktail and join me for a double-length spin around the yuletide turntable . . .

Album Title:  A Very Cool Christmas, Vol. 2

Album Artist:  Various Artists

I picked this one up on Amazon a couple months ago when it dropped down to, oh, $20 or so. That's a lot to spend on a Holiday album for sure (for me, at least), but considering this originally retailed for, like, $40 - and knowing that the producers of this series generally put together pretty stellar compilations - I decided to pull the trigger on it. Plus, with a whopping 32 tracks on it, it's well worth the money.

I'm kinda kicking myself I didn't pick up Volume 3 when it was at a similar price point, as that one's currently listed at almost $50 (but you can rest assured I'm keeping my eye on it.)

You may recall that I've already reviewed Volume I, back in 2019, and that release scored a solid '8' on my rating scale.  Similarly, this album is also a double-LP, pressed on matching gold-colored vinyl instead of the previous volume's red and green records. Like its predecessor, the album is divided into two, distinctive sections: the first record, 'Rockin',' is a mix of rock, indie, blues, and country (seriously), while the second 'Groovin''' record is comprised of soul, funk, and classic R&B.

Note: I have #908 of the Limited Edition Numbered variant. 

The first record doesn't have the highs and lows of Volume I; the songs here are more middle-of-the-road. While there aren't a lot of songs that completely knock it out of the park, there's no out-right stinkers, either (no bizarre French cha-cha'ing this time around, thank Christ.) Canned Heat's 'Christmas Blues,' Weezer's 'We Wish You a Merry Christmas,' and Chuck Berry's 'Run Rudolph Run' are all heavy-hitters on many of my Holiday playlists, and all make appearances on this first record. Sadly, so does Bob Dylan's polka-fied 'Must Be Santa,' which, judging by his voice, he recorded in his eighties (I love Bob Dylan as much as the next guy, but this Christmas song - which gets way more attention than it should - is downright grating.)

Could have also done without Harry Nilson's 'Remember' on this album, as its far from 'Rockin'' - plays like a soft-rock ballad. If it had made an appearance on a Holiday album with that kind of sound, I may have not batted an eyelash, but it feels ridiculously out of place on this one.

And also, I probably wouldn't own such a record. But that's besides the point.

The 'Groovin'' record is a little safer - lots more 'song recognition' on this one. Heavy Motown vibe here, with songs from James Brown, Stevie Wonder, Darlene Love, etc. all delivering with songs I'm sure you've heard on the radio countless times. There's more consistency in 'vibe' here as well, and the songs seem like they were compiled by one person instead of, say, a country fan, an indie fan, a classic rock fan, and a weirdo (which I'm sure was the scenario on the first record.)

If you end up picking this one up, I'd avoid the Isaac Hayes and John Lee Hooker tracks on this second album at all costs. Both sound exactly like you'd expect, they're definitely not deviating from their signature sounds (and more power to them for that, I guess), but neither mesh well with the rest of the sound found here. 

Isaac makes you want to rush over to the nearest living thing and have yuletide sex with it, and John Lee makes you want to get drunk and blow its brains out with a shotgun once you're finished with it.

Happy Holidays, everyone.

VERDICT:  8/10 - Awesome (Another great addition to this star-studded compilation series. The majority of this album blends fluidly, without cringe-inducing tracks to pull the rating down too far. It loses a couple points for some odd song choices, but even these aren't outright terrible. If it drops in price again, be sure to pounce on it.)

- REMAINS IN ROTATION -

- Brian

Ep. CIX: 'Christmas Wonderland' - Bert Kaempfert

Welcome back, gang - time for another yuletide spin 'round ye ole, Holiday Turntable. . .

Album Title:  Christmas Wonderland

Album Artist:  Bert Kaempfert

I'm gonna start this off by just saying one thing, folks: this album may very well be the most frustrating album I've ever rated.

I had never heard of this Bert Kaempfert guy before. I assumed he was just another run-of-the-mill, '60s band leader, and that this 'orchestra' of his was going to play more of the same crap we've all heard 'orchestras' crank out over the years - instrumental Christmas music, inoffensive and dreamy, with a lot of emphasis on either a.) sweeping strings, or b.) obnoxiously loud brass (it's always one or the other.)

Well, there is some of that, sure, but what bothers me most about this one is how f***ing close it was to being an awesome album.

Seriously. There's a level of swing in these arrangements that make one sit up and take notice (almost 'Tijuana brass' in nature, if not in instrumentation. Just the right amount of jazz worked into the chord progressions where you're reminded of say, the Dukes of Dixieland. The way one section kicks in at certain transition in the song, or when a soloist steps up and hits chords with some balls, hints at the album this one could have been, if the producers hadn't botched the delivery.

Gotta love the cheesy Holiday messages on the back of these old LP's. . .

Pretty sure there's an ancient Norwegian troll under all this snow. . . 

You see, this album sounds like the sheet music of some really, killer Christmas arrangements were given to a local high school symphonic orchestra. There's something lacking in the execution of the songs, as if the music itself was there for the taking, but the musicians themselves couldn't quite deliver on it. The competency is there, I guess, but the talent isn't. So many times it just falls flat, as if the heart and soul required to knock these songs out of the park just wasn't up to par.

Then there's the poor instrumentation to consider. This music leans heavily into the xylophone, and it really, really shouldn't. Xylophones are fine on a Holiday album when used appropriately, for accents here and there, but sparingly. What this album does is treat these tinny, metal sounds like a lead instrument, which does nothing but sonically rape the eardrums after awhile. 

So while this album had great potential, it trips up far too often for it to be anything but mediocre background music during the Holidays. I could have rated this release a '6' for its slightly-above-board arrangements, but I'm beyond frustrated by its inability to live up to its potential.

VERDICT:  5/10 - Meh (Poor execution and shoddy musicianship ruin an otherwise decent Christmas offering from Bert Kaempfert and His High School Orchestra. Shame on you kids.)

- SHELVED-

- Brian

Ep. CVIII: 'Swingle Bells' - Various Artists

Welcome back to the Odyssey. Grab a drink, guys - you're gonna need it for this one. . .

Album Title:  Swingle Bells

Album Artist:  Various Artists

A quick glance at this one, one is immediately struck by the 'clever' play on words, Swingle Bells. You know, 'Jingle Bells'. . . buuuuuut with some kind of a 'swing' element thrown in. So when I saw this one at Radio Wasteland last weekend (this one I snatched up recently), I figured this was too good to pass up. 

I mean, 'swing' could mean several, different things. Perhaps it's the sort of swing from the 1940s, the Glenn Miller variety. Or it could also mean 'swing' in the 1960s, pop way (a la Ray Conniff, etc.) Maybe some kinda Hooked on Swing sorta thing, who knows.

But then one's eyes are drawn to the rainbow coloring of the text, and 'swingle' suddenly takes on a whole, different meaning all together. Perhaps, dear readers, 'swing' in this sense is a Saturday night party, in some South Florida gated community, where a bunch of older guys get together, drink a lot of bad things, and do lots of gross stuff to one another. Underneath the mistletoe, of course - this is a Christmas album. 

I mean honestly, this could go in a lot of different directions, folks.

Yet, now that I'm listening to it, I still don't know what to make of this album.

First things first, these aren't legit artists - if they were, they'd have their name on the front cover (or, at the very least, credited next to the songs on the track listing on the back.) No, this is like an eight-person a cappella group (too shitty to even have a frickin' name) but backed by a stripped down band of - I assume - local studio musicians. The production value of this album, while certainly not setting anyone back in terms of 'paying for talent,' is at least mixed well.

And that, dear readers, is about the only thing that this weird, weird album has going for it.

What I've learned this evening is that there is, indeed, such as thing as too much 'swing.'

The singers on this album can definitely carry a tune, so there's nothing to complain about in terms of their actual voices, per se, but rather it's the manner in which they're wielding these voices of theirs that's the issue.  There's a lot of scat-singing (I'd say 'scatting' here, but I think that has to do with animal poop or something), which actually outranks yodeling on the Most Annoying Singing Styles Scale. 

Like, why use words when you can just sing 'bum-bum-ba-dum dum, biddy-biddy-dabba-babba' and crap like that to the tune of Christmas carols?

What the f***.

Technically, there's only like eleven tracks on this particular album, but most of these are medleys, which means the overly-jazzy, full-swinging scat-singing usually stops after the first leg of the medley and then abruptly transitions into a church choir singing softly and quietly the unintelligible lyrics to some European peasant carol. You literally go from go-go dancing to German monks singing in crumbling cathedrals in only a handful of measures. Call it a medley if you want, but I think it's more accurately referred to as a shitshow.

"Thank you coming to this evening's performance.  Have a safe drive home."

Want a feeling for what this album sounds like? Pretend you and your date are going out to your local Community College for a Thursday evening (yes, Thursday evening) musical program, back in the mid-'60s. Neither of you attend said Community College, nor do you know anyone who goes there, but admission is only $2 and what the hell, right?  Well, it's the Holiday season, so you're expecting to hear some Christmas songs (that's a no-brainer) so after you guys pick up some complimentary hot chocolates and take your seats (first come first serve, folks), the 'show' starts. 

The theater and music clubs that put this on then take the stage, all dressed in black turtlenecks. There's interpretive dance, there's a small collection of beatnik musicians at the rear of the stage (all clearly high as kites), and there's a lot of spoken word deliverance between the music numbers, delivered by angry-looking women who seem to hate the Holidays just as much as they hate the Patriarchy. 

At the end of the evening, on the drive home, your date doesn't say a f***ing word to you. And you never hear from them again.

Sound like fun?  Of course it doesn't.

VERDICT:  3/10 - Seriously? (Turns out 'scat' does mean shit.)

- SHELVED-

- Brian

Ep. CVII: 'The Golden Glow of Christmas' - Various Artists

Ladies and Gentledudes of the Internet, I present to you now the return of America's Greatest Yuletide Event:

The Great Christmas Record Odyssey.

You readers all know by now that systematically going through every, last one of my Christmas albums during the Holidays and scrutinizing the holy hell out of 'em is, without a doubt, one of my favorite Holiday traditions. This borderline weird past time of mine - a perfect storm that marries the OCD/Hough analytical side of my personality with my love of music, vinyl collecting, and the Holidays in general -  has been around since I first got into vinyl, back in 2005. Even that far back, when my collection was probably only a dozen or so LP's and compilations my Dad gave to me (or I otherwise picked up at a thrift store) and about three-dozen boxed sets I got from my Granny, I began diving deep into musty, Holiday music, cocktail in hand, and discovering all kinds of Christmas music - the good, the bad, and the ugly. Ten years later, the first year we moved back to Michigan, I began recording my analysis on this here family blog of ours, and now - seven years and over one hundred frickin' installments later - this ongoing Holiday tradition of mine runs like a well-oiled, yuletide machine.

So now, seeing how it's the first installment of this year's season of vinyl reviewin', I'll once again direct your attention to the sacred rating scale we use around these parts:

10 - . . . And Out Come the Wolves (a symbol of perfection, and arguably one of the greatest albums made in the last thirty years)

9 - Cowabunga! (if it makes you want to shout like a Ninja Turtle, you know it's good.)

8 - Awesome (worthy of repeated spins during the Holidays)

7 - Pretty Rad (generally, in order for an album of mine to stay in Holiday Season Rotation, it needs to be rated '7' and up.)

6 - Decent (once and awhile a '6' makes it into constant rotation, but only if it satisfies a previously-vacant Holiday music niche.  These albums almost always get 'Shelved':  I hold on to them - for the time being - but they lose turntable time for the duration of the Season.)

5 - Meh  (anything below this point is almost always put into my annual 'Donate to Goodwill' pile)

4 - Borophyll (there may be some redeeming qualities here that might make albums at this score appeal to some people, but definitely not Yours Truly.)

3 - Seriously? (comically bad, if you will.)

2 - Reality TV (there's only one thing shittier than Reality TV in my opinion, and that is. . .)

1 - Ohio (the Ninth Circle of Hell)

Good.  Now that everyone's been refreshed with how shit works around here, let's just go ahead and get started, shall we. . .

Album Title:  The Golden Glow of Christmas

Album Artist:  Various Artists

This one was among a stack of crappy, used vinyl that I picked up at Radio Wasteland a year or two ago (every year I go in to my local record store and drop about $20 - $25 on dollar store records to add to my To Analyze stack - I'm probably sitting on, like, fifty albums to review at this point.) I'll review them, give them a score, then drop them back off to Jim in a month or two. Usually I get some kind of a trade-in deal for 'em, so it all comes out in the wash in the end.

I kinda knew, going into this one, what I was getting myself into; probably '4' or '5' territory, based solely on the artist line-up. Probably not going to be great by any means, but also nothing overly cringe-worthy or comically bad. Just your usual quasi-boring, run-of-the-mill, 1950s/1960s Christmas compilation. God knows I've reviewed, like, forty or fifty of these sum'bitches over the last eight years.

Well, here's another one to add to that list.

Kicking things off, we have the New York Philharmonic's take on the "Hallelujah Chorus" from Handel's Messiah. Not unheard of on a holiday compilation - I've seen it multiple times before - but it's far from ideal. I wouldn't call this song Christmas 'mainstream' by any means, but rather a classical piece that's worked its way into church music over the last couple hundred years. Its appearance on holiday albums makes sense when the album in question is solely religious music (usually the case), but on a compilation that features non-religious music (such as this one) the song's inclusion is asinine. While the rendition of the song is great - no complaints here, Leonard Bernstein - it doesn't vibe well with the rest of the track list.

If you're a fan of Johnny Mathis, Doris Day, Julie Andrews, Jerry Vale, Tony Bennett or Barbara Streisand, you'd appreciate their numbers here. Nothing extraordinary or god-awful to be found on either side of this album, just the usual yuletide malaise from the same assortment of Christmas Regulars that pop up on compilations like this one. 

What would Mathis' take on 'White Christmas' sound like? It sounds exactly like you'd think it would. 

No one takes any risks with their assigned songs - they've been doing this long enough, they know how the deal works. Show up, record your song, collect your paycheck, and go home to probably scarf down a handful of amphetamines or whatever the hell all these guys were addicted to back in the 50s/60s.

'It Came Upon a Midnight Clear', courtesy of Ray Conniff & The Singers is a solid number - I'm a big fan of their Holiday album, We Wish You a Merry Christmas - and Arthur Fiedler and the Boston Pops Orchestra deliver with their well-known number 'Anderson: Sleigh Ride' (the commonly-used rendition that features the big brass sound that's one-part Christmas and two-parts College Football Marching Band at Half-Time.) 

Alas, these two numbers are the only two stand-outs in an otherwise run-of-the-mill, snoozefest of a Holiday comp that comes courtesy of the good folks over at JC Penney. 

Perhaps if those guys had been better at putting together Christmas records they'd still be in business.

VERDICT:  4/10 - Borophyll (This album is 'being dragged to JC Penney by your mom on a Sunday afternoon to buy an uncomfortable pair of khaki slacks for Christmas card pictures,' in music form.)

- SHELVED -

- Brian