Ep. LX: 'Christmas with Tammy' - Tammy Wynette

 It's time to kick some Yuletide ass, America. . .

Album Title:  Christmas with Tammy

Album Artist:  Tammy Wynette

Any of you guys remember the Transformers?  You probably do, it was a pretty big kid's show back in the early/mid-'80s:  a Saturday morning cartoon about robots from space that 'transform' into various human vehicles, like semi-trucks, fighter jets, and even cassette playing boom-boxes.  Along with G.I. Joe, Thundercats, and He-Man, it defined a generation of young boys, who collected it's action figures like they were holy relics.

I, personally, never got into Transformers as much as some of my friends did growing up - I never got into the whole 'robot/vehicle' thing, as I was more of a sword-wielding hero type, myself - but I could very much acknowledge their level of sheer awesomeness.  So could many television executives, for that matter, since in the wake of Tranformers' success in the TV, toy, and other merchandising industries, a horde of cheap, knock-offs began to invade the TV airwaves and toy aisles.

Laaaaaaaaaame.

Most notorious of these much, much lamer imposters was Hannah Barbara's Go-Bots.  The animation was shittier, the toys were lamer, and the whole thing came across as a poorly-concealed marketing ploy to sell cheap, Asian-made toys.

Kids who played with Go-Bots instead of Transformers were frowned upon in Elementary School society:  one didn't want to associate with one of those kids.

She looks like a math teacher who enjoys giving out detentions.

So why am I bringing all of this up, you may ask?  Well folks, Tammy Wynette - the country singer that's today's artist on the turntable, is the Go-Bot to Loretta Lynn's much more badass Transformer.

She basically plagiarized Loretta's country singing playbook:  she sings the same, the album sounds the same, the song choices are very similar, etc.  Only, in Tammy, you get an older, sleepier, more ho-hum Loretta.  This album is like chloroform - there's none of the former's spunk and sass to balance out all the more retrospective or quieter numbers on this album, and, as such, the whole album sounds like a woman pushing forty, falling asleep on the couch while drinking wine and watching Netflix.

You know, like my wife does.

This albums is boring, and Tammy needs to just stick with standing by her man and leave the Holiday music business to the Transformers.

Not only is Tammy a horrible Christmas album artist, she's also a bad parent:  who has new kids into their forties?  That's how you make people with Downs Syndrome , Tammy.

VERDICT:  4/10 - Borophyll (A much sleepier, older, and more boring version of Loretta Lynn wants to sing you a few Christmas songs.  NEVER pick the Go-Bots over the Transformers, folks.)

- SHELVED -

Ep. LIX: 'An Americana Christmas' - Various Artists

 Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen - time for some bad news . . .

Album Title:  An Americana Christmas

Album Artist:  Various Artists

This one disappointed me a bit, I'm not going to lie.

I had high hopes for this one.  When you see a line-up that includes The Band, Emmylou Harris, and the legendary Neil Young, Johnny Cash and Bob Dylan, how can you not start salivating?  This line-up is a who's who of country-folk-rock awesomeness from the early '70s, so one would be crazy not go out of their way to pick this up.  This one I was able to snatch up off Amazon for an insane $9 - a nearly unheard of price for a brand new, remastered LP - so one can hardly blame me for thinking this was a win-win all across the board.

When you drop the needle on this one, though, reality comes crashing down real frickin' quick.  There are quite a few sub-par performances on here, with some God-awful song selections, courtesy of a handful of nobodies who somehow managed to get their songs onto this otherwise star-studded compilation (don't ask me how.)  I mean, seriously - who the f*** is Luther Dickinson, or Valerie June, or Corb Lund?  Do you even know?  Do you care?

Didn't think so.

What the hell, Bob. . .

One of the worst tracks on this entire album is from none other than Bob Dylan himself, arguably the greatest songwriter that's ever lived.  God knows he's getting up there in age these days - he's pushing 80 - so I'm going out on a limb here and attributing this train wreck of a song, 'Must Be Santa,' to age.  The song is arranged as a polka number - yes, a polka number - and Dylan sounds like a 95-year-old man rasping for a nurse to come change his bedpan.  Given his off-the-charts level of talent, the very fact that he recorded something so horrendous as this causes one to doubt the existence of God.

This album suffers for a multitude of reasons, one of which is a lack of consistency.  There's no quality control to this album, and on a compilation with this much talent you kinda expect that.  Given the big names on this release, I bought it with the expectation of a certain sound - namely Bob Dylan and the Band's Lost Basement Tapes- but, alas, that wasn't meant to be.  While there's quite a few decent songs on here, and even a couple good ones, it leans towards country/folk a little bit, there's enough shit-shows (Dylan, etc.) that if you were, say, in the mood a Young/Cash/Dylan-ish sound for Christmas, you'd be sorely disappointed.

And that's basically this album in a nutshell, folks:  disappointment.

VERDICT:  6/10 - Decent (White Christmas be damned, this is by far the biggest letdown of the Holiday Season.)

- SHELVED -

Ep. LVIII: 'Christmas Jollies' - The Salsoul Orchestra

 Alright, party people - but on your dancin' shoes. . .

Album Title:  Christmas Jollies

Album Artist:  The Salsoul Orchestra

So I stumbled across this one on Amazon one day while I was browsing Christmas vinyl.  It was only $12 - not too bad for a brand new record - and even came on translucent red vinyl.  I had never heard  of this release, or artists, or before, but the reviews were all really good, so I said 'what the hell, at the very worst it may make for an entertaining blog entry.'  I pulled the trigger.

Upon letting this one start off on the turntable, the first thing that comes to mind are the overly-produced 'studio disco' releases of the late '70s.  Think of the Hooked on the Classics, or Hooked on Swing series - where they combine a ridiculous amount of songs into one never-stopping medley, tied together by the same driving disco drum beat.  The beat never falters, and the melodies come in and out of the medley like an ever-changing line-up of coked-up dancers.

Meco's Star Wars and Other Galactic Funk is also in the same vein, and is a damn fine record if I do say so myself.

Anyway, back to this one.  The first side of this album is pretty straight-forward:  they took a selection of Christmas music and gave it a disco-y spin.  No surprises there.  I was a little bummed at first to find that this release wasn't an instrumental, as I had initially hoped, but the vocals aren't jarring, and they definitely aren't meant to be the focal point on any of these songs:  the main actors on this stage are the drums and bass.


Had this been an instrumental release, and they had given the entirety of the album the Hooked On... treatment, I would've rated this an 8.  Alas, there's some pretty questionable song selections on here, most notably on the B-Side, where we find a 'New Years Medley.'  Songs like 'I'm Looking Over a Four-Leaf Clover' stick out like a sore thumb on a Holiday album, and come across as corny.  In fact, you'd be just fine just stopping the record on the B-Side once you're done with the Christmas medley - just skip the second half of the album all together, as it's complete bullshit.

So, all in all, would I recommend this one?  Yeah, if you're a fan of Meco or enjoy the occasional kitsch of a quirky Holiday release in your collection.  I wouldn't pay more than $15 for it, though.

VERDICT:  7/10 - Pretty Rad (A cocaine-fueled, Meco-inspired Holiday dance party, dragged down a couple points by some God-awful song selections.)

- REMAINS IN CIRCULATION -

Ep. LVII: 'Christmas with Slim Whitman'

Time for another round of festive turntablin', America . . .

Album Title:  Christmas with

Album Artist:  Slim Whitman

Typical Christmas selection, here.

So, not going to lie, I have no idea who this guy is.  Before I go into this, I just wanna ask, who the hell names their baby 'Slim?'  And, if it's a self-imposed monicker, why 'Slim'?  Was he rail-thin growing up, and people made fun of him for it, or was it the polar opposite - was he a fat kid and people called him 'Slim' as a way of making fun of him?

Or, most likely, did he just move to Nashville, have difficulty booking gigs as a mediocre country musician who sounded just like hundreds of others trying to break into the business, and changed his name from 'Ottis' to 'Slim' in order to book the occasional dive-bar gig?

I'm going with the last one.

Anyway, as we've seen before time and time again in this here Record Odyssey of mine, I got suckered into picking this up by the cover art alone.  There's such a sleazy vibe to this Christmas album I couldn't not drop $1 on this one (which, if memory serves correct, was picked up at Radio Wasteland about a month ago.)  One glance at Slim on the front of this cover and you know what's about to go down.

You're about to be drugged and raped.

Just look at this guy and his decor and tell me I'm wrong, folks.

I might not know who this guy was when I read his name on the album cover, but I knew who he was when I saw this picture.  Slim lives in a gawdy ranch house, filled with shag carpet and gold-colored everything, somewhere down in Florida like Sarasota, or maybe out in Texas.  He drives a pastel-colored cadillac and all his attendants where bolo ties and alligator skin boots.

Slim acts like a mix between a cowboy and a princess, and walks about his mini-mansion (probably not a legit mansion, because I've never heard of this guy before) in slippers and a silk smoking jacket (like the one you see in the pics.)  Across his walls are his records and awards - hell, maybe he has a gold record for a random single up there somewhere, you never know - and pictures of him with more famous people who are more household names.  He has animal heads on his walls, too, but he didn't shoot them - he just thought they added to the decor that proves his country music-ness.

You CAN'T resist the Slim. . .

Now, let's say your a young woman and get invited back to Slim's ranch house after some award show or variety TV special or whatever.  Let us further say that it's around the Holiday season.  Slim is just the sort of guy that would put this very album - his own album - on the Hi-Fi, as he cha-chas across his living room shag carpeting to make you a Christmas cocktail.

Little do you know, he's about to give you the Bill Cosby treatment:  there's some serious shit he's just dropped into your drink.

As you start to sip on your cocktail, and Slim flashes you the same, dirty-as-f*** car salesman smile that he's flashing you on this album cover, you start to feel drowsy and a little out of sorts.  At first, you assume it's the Vaseline-slathered sound production of this snooze-fest of an album that's putting you to sleep:  God knows this record sounds just like every other country singer's lame attempt at the classic Holiday Crooner approach to making a Christmas album.  Like when Glenn Campbell tries to be Frank Sinatra. . . except when Slim does it, it just sounds creepy, as if he's about to put something in your drink.

And that's when it hits you, Young Missy:  you're about to be date-raped by Slim Whitman.

Happy Holidays!

VERDICT:  4/10 - Borophyll (Bad things will happen to you if you fall asleep to this album. . . and you will fall asleep while listening to this album.)

- SHELVED -

Ep. LVI: 'A Christmas Sound Spectacular' - John Klein

 Happy Holidays, Internet.  Time to throw another platter on the turntable and feel the Yule. . .

Album Title:  A Christmas Sound Spectacular

Album Artist:  John Klein

So I couldn't resist picking this one up from Radio Wasteland:  the Santa on the cover totally sold it for me.  I mean, look at him.  Maybe it's the sultry red decor, maybe its the beaded curtain, or perhaps it's Santa's deer-in-headlights, 'it's not what you think' look on his face.  To me, this picture screams 'Santa at the Strip Club.'

Santa's about to get his chestnuts rubbed.

I feel like this cover picture is zoomed in and cropped:  if you were to zoom out, you'd see a topless stripper off to the left, waiting to give Santa a lap dance.  Santa's kicked back in chair, all ready for his holly, jolly lap dance, when all of a sudden the viewer walks in and catches him completely by surprise.

If this isn't what you take away from this cover, there must be something seriously wrong with you.  I can't believe the art department got away from this.

Anyway, pervy cover art aside, this album is a hot mess, from start to finish.  Not so much the song selection and their arrangements, but rather the execution of them.  Have you ever heard the phrase, 'too much of a good thing?'  That's a legit phrase, guys, and one that I feel the need to emphasize here in today's post:  what we have here, folks, is a too much bells and chimes.  Like, a shitload of bells and chimes.

No surprises here.

Now, everybody likes chimes and bells in their Christmas carols.  Jingle bells, church bells, whatever.  It's part of the season, we all get it.  What we have here, from John Klein and company, is an over-abundance of bells.  Like, instead of the bells serving as a subtle accent, they're front and center stage, playing out the lead melodies themselves.  It's too much for the ear to handle.

You wanna know what this sounds like?  It sounds like when you go to a middle school band concert and they have some fat kid in the back, in the percussion section, and he gets to hit the chimes with a mallet during a song.  Since it's not used very often, he's all excited to play the hell out of them, and pounds on those frickin' chimes like a blacksmith working over an anvil.  The crashing bells then reverberate through the gymnasium's shitty acoustics and leaving a permanent ringing in parents' and grandparents' ears that last for weeks.

Christ.

That's exactly what this album sounds like.  If Klein had only dialed it back a bit with the f***ing bells on this one, I feel like this album could be a solid '5' or '6,' but instead I'm leaving this one a '3.'


Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to drive out the ringing in my head with a Goddamn bullet.

VERDICT:  3/10 - Seriously? (S-so. . . m-many. . . BELLS.)

- SHELVED -

Ep. LV: 'A Partridge Family Christmas Carol' - The Partridge Family

I can't believe I'm about to do this. . .

Album Title:  A Partridge Family Christmas Carol

Album Artist:  The Partridge Family

Many times in the course of our lives, we willingly put ourselves in harm's way in order to brave the unknown.  Something calls to us, pulls us, forcing us to ignore the risks.  Call it curiosity, foolhardiness, or simple stupidity, whatever - most of us have met with dire consequences upon muttering the phrase, "screw it, let's see what happens."  

So goes this record offering I have for you today.

I regret spending a $1 on this piece of shit.  It looked hokey, and I knew what I was getting into upon purchasing it, but I thought to myself, "Well, maybe it'll be so bad that it'll be kinda funny. . ."  God knows that's happened a time or two-dozen on this here blog of ours before.

Nope.  Not this time.

This album is so overly-produced and stripped of all things remotely human that it feels plastic.  There's nothing funny about it, it's just awful.  The Partridge Family did to credible music what Rian Johnson did to Star Wars:  they polished it to a lifeless gloss, removed all of its edge and controversy, and presented the world with a smiley-faced, pastel-colored turd that was as fake as the president's hair.

This Holiday release is in the same vein as most of their other music (though, to be honest, I've never been brave enough to listen to any of their other bullshit 'music.')  The Partridge Family is in the same studio-spawned crowd as the Monkees, and sound similar (I'd also throw in Three Dog Night, even though they weren't created by a studio, they sound about the same.)  '60s/'70s Bubblegum Rock.  So happy and safe it might as well be a manufactured by f***ing Fisher Price.

So that's who the Partridge Family is.  They're not even a real family, they're an assortment of actors who had enough boxes checked off on some random's studio exec's checklist to make the cut.  Visual appeal?  Check.  Can carry a tune?  Check.  Eating disorder?  Check.

Only two members of this 'family' even bothered showing up for this snooze-fest of a Christmas album:  Shirley Jones and David Cassidy.  A few of the random siblings/future child-star-turned-coke-heads managed to show up for a cover photo-op, but they don't get to do any singing or instrument-playing this time around.

Lucky them.

The fact that this album was even made is a crime against music.

VERDICT:  3/10 - Seriously? (A cheesy, G-rated offering from TV's shittiest musical family.)

- SHELVED -

Ep. LIV: 'A Very Cool Christmas' - Various Artists

 Thanksgiving is over.  All systems go for the official HOLIDAY SEASON. . .

Album Title:  A Very Cool Christmas

Album Artist:  Various Artists

It may be just a gimmick, but I do love myself some colored vinyl. . .

I pre-ordered this double-LP when I first came across it on Amazon about a month ago, and it came in the mail earlier this week.  This release includes two discs:  the first is presented on green, translucent vinyl, and is the 'Rockin'' disc (all the songs are rock and blues versions of Christmas standards and originals), while the second is on translucent, red vinyl, and is the 'Groovin'' disc (these are all soul, classic R & B, funk, etc.)

Most of the songs on this album are badass - it's a fun compilation of Holiday jams, and I like how it's divided up by genre in case you feel like one type of sound instead of the other.  The Darkness' opening track is probably my favorite on this release, but there are a lot of great offerings from The Kinks, Nathaniel Rateliff & the Night Sweats, Marvin Gaye, the Temptations, B.B. King, Booker T & the MGs, Otis Redding, Leon Russell, and more:

There are some weaker ones on here, though.  Tom Waits, who I'm usually a fan of, groans tiredly on "Jesus' Blood Never Failed Me Yet" with Gavin Bryars (whoever that hell that is.)  It sounds like a sound engineer pressed 'record' on the mixer, then got up and left the studio to go get some Thai take-out or whatever, leaving two old men napping behind in the mic-room.  Once and awhile these two old guys will talk or grumble in their sleep.  Feeling the yule yet?

Didn't think so.

I wanna punch these two in the f***ing face. . .

The third track on Side A of Disc 1, a song called 'Christmas Tree' by The Lovers, is probably the shittiest song on this entire album.  Unlike the rest of Disc 1, which is filled with rock and blues versions of Holiday favorites, this one sounds like some French cha-cha nonsense you'd hear in an art gallery or a really lame Euro-trash party where everyone's wearing black turtlenecks and drinking white wine.  I Wikipedia'd this band in order to uncover the origins of their shittiness, and discovered they're a premiere French band in the Neo-Burlesque music scene.  Yes, that's exactly what it sounds like.  And so it shouldn't be a surprise when the female singer whisper-coos the entire song, the chief lyric being the not-at-all-subtle "Can you show me your Christmas Tee?" It's beyond obvious by her highly suggestive, French voice that 'Christmas Tree' in this sense is a holly, jolly dick.

She wants to see your dick.  For Christmas.

The song is really jarring, both lyrically and musically (the style so out of place on a rock album), and consequently these Frogs torpedo this album by a solid two points all by themselves.  Goddamn it, France.  I'm highly considering taking a flathead screwdriver and just creating a giant scratch across this track of the record so no one has to ever hear it again.

"It's the biggest, most nicest Christmas Tree I've ever seen."  Shut up, you French whore.

VERDICT:  8/10 - Awesome (A bad-ass collection of rock, blues, soul, and classic R & B, presented on two, limited, colored LPs. . . and pulled down two points by some slutty, French cha-cha'er who wants to see your dick.)

- REMAINS IN CIRCULATION -

Ep. LIII: 'Polka Christmas in my Home Town' - Jimmy Sturr

Prepare yourselves for some holly, jolly Aryan Christmas fun. . .

Album Title:  "Polka Christmas" In My Home Town

Album Artist:  Jimmy Sturr and His Orchestra

Soooo many questions with this one.

Hey kids, wanna popsicle?

Why was the 20th Century - specifically the '60s and '70s - so lackadaisical in throwing around the term 'orchestra'?  You can't just call any random assortment of musicians an 'orchestra,' Jimmy Sturr.  Where's the string section?  Or the woodwinds?  How about a few timpani, have any of those?  No?  Well, then I don't think you have yourself an orchestra, sir.

What we have here is, at best, a 'bunch of guys playing beer tent instruments.'  Horns, some drums, a bass, and - 'cause there's no f***ing way you're escaping 'em on a frickin' polka album - accordions.  Lots and lots of accordions.  At best, it's a 'Revue.'

Anyway.

This album sounds like a family trip to Bronner's in Frankenmuth back in the '60s.  Dated Holiday arrangements - nothing out of the ordinary for this Holiday record collector - corny choruses, etc.  It's upbeat, it's festive, and it's German. . . and not in a scary, Third Reich sorta way.  No, this is fun German, if such a thing even exists.

Well, maybe not German.  I don't know what frickin' language this is. . .

All Jimmy's missing here is the Egg Nog.

I've reviewed a lot of albums over the years that give off a vibe of elderly-in-turtlenecks, drinking egg-nog and sitting around their shag-carpeted living rooms lined in wood paneling, listening to albums like this they picked up at a Sears or something, and admiring a lead-laden, tinsel-slathered Christmas tree.  This one is definitely sounds similar, for sure, but it throws in an upbeat march - with a heavy, 'oom-PHLAT, oom-PHLAT' back-beat and a poppy horn section that screams ''stop-motion, 60s Children's Holiday TV Special."

This albums is all over the damn place, but somehow. . . it isn't terrible.

Seriously.  I'm just as surprised as you are.

I don't know, maybe it's the conjured-up imagery of happy Germans swinging around beers and sausages during a Christmas feast, maybe it's fond recollections of going to Bronners as a child when it wasn't packed shoulder-to-shoulder with assholes, maybe it's just the absurdity of a polka Christmas album.  Who knows.  But this album isn't horrible.

Gotta love the cheesy letter on the back of a Holiday album. . .

Not one of my favorites, mind you, but not something I can really find fault with, either.  It's a polka album, folks, and while no one under the age of 78 can honestly say "polka is my favorite type of music," if you go into this one accepting the fact that you're going to hear some accordions and march signatures, you're gonna be fine.

Granted, I could definitely do without the German chorus chanting 'HAIL, CHRISTMAS' during their militaristic march numbers. . .

Too soon, Mr. Sturr.  Too soon.

VERDICT:  5/10 - Meh (By all rationale, this one should be a shit-show, but it somehow works just enough to keep it in the collection. . . just don't expect heavy repeated listening.)

- SHELVED -

Ep. LII: 'Popular Christmas Classics' - Various Artists

 Welcome back to the Odyssey, America.

I forgot to remind you all, in my last post, of the scale we use around these parts when rating these Holiday audio offerings.  This is what you can look forward to, my personalized 1-to-10 Scale:

10 - . . . And Out Come the Wolves (a symbol of perfection, and arguably one of the greatest albums made in the last twenty five years)
9 - Cowabunga! (if it makes you want to shout like a Ninja Turtle, you know it's good.)
8 - Awesome
7 - Pretty Rad (generally, in order for an album of mine to stay in Holiday Season Rotation, it needs to be rated '7' and up.)
6 - Decent (once and awhile a '6' makes it into constant rotation, but only if it satisfies a previously-vacant Holiday music niche.)
5 - Meh  (Albums in the 6 - 4 range almost always get 'Shelved.'  I hold on to them - for the time being - but they lose turntable time for the duration of the Season.)
4 - Borophyll
3 - Seriously? (anything below this point is put into my annual 'Donate to Goodwill' pile)
2 - Reality TV (there's only one thing shittier than Reality TV in my opinion, and that is. . .)
1 - Ohio (the Ninth Circle of Hell)

Now, let us throw on your jam pants. . .

Album Title:  Popular Christmas Classics

Album Artist:  Various Artists

Santa, probably writing up his Manifesto.

So I snatched this up from some thrift store awhile back - God knows which one - and it's sat in my pile of 'records-to-review' box down in our storage room for a couple of years.   I picked it up for the album art (at left), which, to me, hints at a ridiculously hokey, dated Christmas track list.  At the time, I didn't really read the artists and song selections that are literally plastered all over the cover, but, as you can see, it's definitely a 'Best of. . .'  for the Holiday Season.

This album definitely lives up to its title.  Nearly every song on this album can be heard every year in stores, on the radio, in TV commercials, you name it.  In fact, I'd say roughly two-thirds of the tracks here are the definitive versions of each Christmas song.

Probably safe to say all these guys are dead by now.

You've got Burl Ives' famous version of 'A Holly, Jolly Christmas,' the stand-out track from Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.  There's Bing Crosby's 'Do You Hear What I Hear?,' that's easily the most-widely recognized version of that song, and was made famous by its iconic usage in Gremlins.  The Harry Simeone Chorale's rendition of 'The Little Drummer Boy' is the one you hear in your head the second I name the song title - it's the quintessential version of that carol.  There's more, too, that are easily the most-played versions one hears during this time of year.

The Balrog

All things considered, this should be at least a '9.'  Maybe an '8,' considering there's a couple less-known and 'meh'-ish tracks from Glen Campbell and Leroy Anderson on here you don't really give two craps about, and aren't as widely heard as most of the others.

But then there's Tennessee Ernie Ford.  That baritone-spewing, Balrog of a crooner, who has broadsided this Record Odyssey of mine time and time again over the years with his all-out shittiness.  He brings his usual Holiday Horror voice to the forefront with his terrifying version of "The Star Carol," which, if his voice tells us anything at all, probably references a frickin' pentagram.

I hate this guy so damn much. . .

VERDICT:  6/10 - Meh (This Greatest Hits-ish compilation features several famous songs that are mandatory listening for the Holiday season, but Tennessee Ernie Ford barges onto the scene and sinks this album a couple points all by his terrifying lonesome.)

- SHELVED -

Ep. LI: 'Christmas Songs' - Bad Religion

Don't kid yourself, America.  You know you missed this.

It's that time once again, folks.  We're in the Holiday Pre-Season.  Halloween is long, past dead, and even though we've yet to run that whole Thanksgiving gauntlet. . . who cares.  It's not like Thanksgiving is a real holiday anyway.

Do you see end-caps at Meijer or Target advertising Thanksgiving merch, aside from hand-towels?  No?  Well, there you have it.  Not a real holiday.

Now as we've discussed here in this blog in previous years, the Holiday Pre-Season here in the Hough household brings about one of my favorite yuletide traditions:  the audio-scrutinization of every, last Christmas LP I own.  I dig out all of my Holiday vinyl (which, over the last few years, has gotten to be quite substantial indeed) and put aside the tried-and-true classics for repeated use in my designated Crate of Yuletide Awesomeness.  Check it out:

There's about thirty or so LPs that get to chill out in this place of honor, and these are ones that I play on a pretty regular basis throughout the Holiday season.  Other albums that I still consider worth keeping, deem mandatory classics, or otherwise don't find myself playing a lot - like Christmas with the Chipmunks, or Disney's Christmas All-Time Favorites (call me crazy, I don't have a hankerin' for children's music all that much anymore) - are put away safely in storage for Christmases yet-to-come (say, when I have grandkids or something.)

This Battle Station is fully operational.  Bring on the Holidays, motherf***ers.

I keep a separate crate of unplayed, untried, and untested Holiday vinyl off to the side, atop my sub-woofer (see picture.)  As each Christmas record is tried out on my turntable, it either a.) finds its way into the Crate of Yuletide Awesomeness, b.) is kept shelved away in storage for future Christmases, or c.) it's thrown in the 'Donate to Goodwill/Sell to Radio Wasteland' pile.  Each album is given careful consideration and scrutiny, which I then disclose to you, dear reader, in hopes of saving you the trouble of going through this process on your own.

Granted, I'm sure I'm one of, like, six people on Earth that undertake this endeavor, buuuut. . . I think it's worth it.

And so, with my reintroduction to the Craft being once again given, nestle in by the fire, pour yourself a holly, jolly egg-nog (I take mine with rum), and let's set off once again on this, our Great Christmas Record Odyssey. . .

Album Title:  Christmas Songs

Album Artist:  Bad Religion

For this, my 51st record that I've reviewed on this Odyssey, we hit the ground running.

That kid's so damn happy he got shoes for Christmas. . .

Bad Religion, for those of you not familiar with punk rock - the genre, the scene, the culture - are one of those few bands that are universally respected, if not adored, by everyone.  I can count on one hand the few other bands in punk rock that are just as well universally praised:  Operation Ivy, The Clash, The Misfits. . . that might be it.  Bad Religion have been around since the early '80s, and as elder statesmen, perform with the experience and credibility of a band that gives zero f***s whether or not you like them or buy their music.

Only one side of this album has music - kind of a short list.

This freedom to focus on music has given their sound a weight that many bands in the genre lack.  Greg Gaffin, their lead singer and principle songwriter, sings with a battle-worn conviction that few bands today - in any genre - can match.  This is one of the reasons why the far-fetched concept of a well-respected, universally-loved punk band covering Christmas standards works.

For example, the vocals on 'O Come All Ye Faithful' reverberate like a street anthem - a rallying cry for revolutionaries and Holiday cocktail aficionados alike.  You can pump your fist to it:  Greg's not just singing a seasonal song, folks.  Listening to this you believe he means lives and breathes every word of the song.

So, this album is good, and I'd even say some of the tracks are great. . . but I can't see myself giving this one above an '8' rating.

One of the greatest labels in punk music. . .

Here's the main reason why:  they keep the tempo and sound the same throughout the entirety of the album, with little variation.  Granted, punk rock is supposed to be fast and/or hard - it's the soundtrack to skateboarding, mosh pits, driving too fast down the highway, overthrowing a government, etc.  But, from start-to-finish, across an entire album - filled with many songs that are performed traditionally slow - can get tiresome.  Giving songs a 'punk cover' was all the rage in the '90s, and some bands - looking at YOU, Me First and the Gimme Gimmes - totally made a career out of taking old songs, speeding them up, and singing them in a 'punk' way.

This is the first CD I've owned since 2006. . .

Gaffin, as a solo artist, has recorded a couple really solid country/folk, Americana-punk albums that are hauntingly good (Millport, Cold as the Clay, etc.)  Had he gotten Bad Religion behind that style instead and given a few of these tracks that kind of treatment, this album could've instantly become a modern classic.

Instead, I'm more than happy to settle for it being really, really good.

VERDICT:  8/10 - Awesome (Punk rock elder statesmen pump out a badass Christmas album and don't give a f***  about slowing down occasionally for variety's sake.)

- REMAINS IN CIRCULATION -