Ep. XLIV: 'Twas the Night Before Christmas' - The Caroleers

 Welcome back to the Odyssey, America.  Our Yuletide jam session continues. . .

Album Title:  'Twas the Night Before Christmas

Album Artist:  The Caroleers

 

The name 'Caroleers' invokes imagery of some serious Holiday swashbuckling, doesn't it?  Some upbeat, swinging carol-slinging.  Perhaps some sword play or damsel-saving to boot.  Sadly, these motherf***ers right here are about as far from all of that Holiday fun as humanly possible.  

Remember the Caroleers?  They graced our presence before, folks, and the results were not good to say the least.

Honestly, the Caroleers don't deserve a band name at all.  Band names are for people who can create music.  This doesn't sound like these people created anything - it sounds like as if they walked into a large hall, approached some already set-up microphones, and started singing.  I mean, I'm sure some of these guys have previous choir experience, I guess, but the way they sing together sounds like a bunch of random people singing into a set of microphones.

And, dear readers, if you just sound like a bunch of random people singing into a set of microphones, than you are a choir, and you get named after the church in which you sing (Saint Michael's Lutheran Choir, the First United Methodist Choir, etc.)  Sorry, Caroleers - you're not nearly as cool as you think you are.

"Check out Santa's ass!"

That being said, this album is a total snooze-fest.  The arrangements are beyond boring.  It's like listening to glue dry.   I picked this album up because the cover art made it sound like it'd be some hokey children's album (I overlooked the name 'Caroleers' when I bought it, or else I probably wouldn't have picked it up at all.)  The only reference to the cover art to be found is the Side A Track 1 title track, which is lifted from the famous poem of the same name - ridiculously abridged into a thirty-second or so 'song' clip.  It stands out considerably from the rest of the album's overall church-y vibe, but is equally just as terrible.

This is an audible wasteland of dusty church organs, bells, grandma's living room keyboard, and a track listing that sounds like it was taken from the Early Bird church service (you know, the one no one goes to because it's boring and filled with elderly people who are about to die.)  I mean, how do you make 'We Wish You a Merry Christmas' sound like a boring-ass church service?  That's a Holiday anthem, for Christ's sake - what the hell, Caroleers?

VERDICT:  2/10 - Reality TV (This album needs to be completely erased from existence.  I might make it my life's work to hunt down and destroy every, last copy of this album.  You know, to save Christmas.)

- SHELVED -

Ep. XLIII: 'Boots and Stockings' - Boots Randolph

How's it going, music lovers?  Ready for some more jam nerdery?

(Of course you are.)

Album Title:  Boots and Stockings

Album Artist:  Boots Randolph

So.  You guys like the song, 'Yakety Sax'?  Remember that old British variety show - I think it was a variety show, at least - the Benny Hill Show?  Remember?  People running in and out of various doors, falling over stuff, crowds of people running around and a certain saxophonist losing his damn mind on the track?

Not sure what I'm talking about?  Go check it out here on Youtube.

I'll wait. . .

. . .

. . you check it out yet?  Yeah?  Pretty good, right?

That's what the entirety of Side A sounds like, except in Christmas-form. 

And it's awesome.  I really, really like this.  In fact, had both sides of this album sounded like this, this could be - and I shit you not - the quintessential Holiday party soundtrack (well, if your Holiday party's a kegger, that is.)  But, alas, Side B slows down considerably, and that 'Yakkety Sax' sound that we've all come to love over the years disappears.  Instead, we get a more introspective saxophone sound, and while it's not horrible by any means, it's kind of a letdown considering what we had on Side A.

It almost sounds like this album was recorded all in one evening at the studio, and the engineers purposely stacked all the up-tempo, 'fun' songs on this album up front because they were more demanding for Boots to play.  They wanted their star saxophone player to have enough energy to belt out his trademark hornmanship (I don't know what that's called, sorry) on those tracks before he lost all his energy and started playing like a homeless guy doped up on Nyquil.  

They couldn't give Boots a frickin' coffee break at some point in the recording session?

In closing, if you ever come across this in a record store, or a thrift shop, I would definitely recommend picking it up.  It's a lot of fun.

I'd just constantly play Side A over and over again, though. 

VERDICT:  7/10 - Pretty Rad (If this had been 'Side A' on both sides, we'd be looking at a solid '8,' maybe even a '9.')

- REMAINS IN CIRCULATION -

Ep. XLII: 'Light of the Stable' - Emmylou Harris

Happy Tuesday, Nation.

I think we've finally got a break in the weirdness this time around. . .

Album Title:  Light of the Stable:  The Christmas Album

Album Artist:  Emmylou Harris

This Holiday offering by Emmylou Harris is good.  If you're unfamiliar with her work, you'd probably recognize her Southern-tinged airy voice from the 2001 best-selling, knockout Oh Brother, Where Art Thou? soundtrack.  She's been around for decades, though, and is a pretty respected bluegrass artist, having performed with mainstream artists from the White Stripes to Robert Plant.  

I love bluegrass music (which shouldn't surprise any of you at all) because it feels genuine, and truth in music is so rare anymore that when you do stumble upon it, it's worth holding on to.  The genre, like its contemporary, the Blues, is rooted in American history (the former could be considered the folk music of White America, while the latter is that of Black America.)  While it's not something I listen to all the time - you really do have to be in the right mood for it, and I'll get more into that later - I'll always have a place in my heart for bluegrass music.

"Hey, Ms. Harris, what would you like to wear in the photo shoot for your new Christmas album cover?"  "A crocheted tablecloth, please.  And nothing else."

I think she took this picture in Farwell, Michigan. . .

That being said, Emmylou has a signature singing and musical style within the genre:  her own take on bluegrass music is more mellow, and slower in tempo, than a lot of her male contemporaries in the genre.  A lot of bluegrass makes you think of stompin' your feet on the wooden boards of your mama's Old Kentucky Home front porch, while you strum a banjo and throw back some of grand pappy's old moonshine, White Lightning, or the like.  Perhaps afterwards you'll couple with your cousin and then chase some black folks out of town before swimmin' naked down in the ol' crick. 

Emmylou's music doesn't conjure up the same imagery (thank God, it is Christmas, after all.)  Instead, we have quiet reflective mornings in the country - someone chopping wood, or milking a cow, or bottling up jam in a country cottage - not a lot of hoe-downs and hootenannies to be found on this album.  Appropriately, her track selection reflects this.  Nearly every song on this album is a religious carol, which suits her singing style perfectly.  The only exception is the old country favorite 'Christmas Time's a-Coming,' probably the most upbeat song on this album, but it feels more like a church-sponsored barn dance than a hootenanny.

There are no stinkers on this album - every, last song delivers.  It'd be a solid '8' or '9' if it wasn't pigeon-holed into such a specific genre (similar albums, like Tchaikovsky's Nutcracker Suite or the Statler Brothers' country-gospel album, have suffered the same fate.)  I'm deducting one point simply because it's a bluegrass album, one because it's 'chill' (nothing wrong with that, of course, but you have to be in the right mood for it), and one because, well, it's not Charlie Brown's Christmas or The Muppets.

VERDICT:  7/10 - Pretty Rad (A great Holiday album, and one that's going to make future appearances on my turntable throughout the Holiday season.  Only when I'm in a chill mood, though.)

- REMAINS IN CIRCULATION -

Ep. XLI: 'Sing Merry Chritmas' - Tijuana Voices (with Brass)

Hola, Jam Lovers.

For this installment, we're headed South of the Border.  Vamanos.

Album Title:  Sing Merry Christmas

Album Artist:  Tijuana Voices with Brass

This is, quite possibly, the most racist album in my Holiday record collection.  I mean, granted, this was another time - the swingin' Sixties - when dressing up like other ethnicities wasn't only acceptable, but widely-appreciated.  Now, I enjoy a good racist joke as much as the next guy; I don't discriminate when it comes to races, either - I make fun of any and all races, because I believe in equality.  Even I, with my warped sense of humor, can recognize this wouldn't have long to live on a store shelf if released in 2018.  Just look at this album artwork:

This is the Mexican equivalent to these folks slathering on Blackface.  No bueno, Tijuana Voices.

That being said, this album is pretty good for what it is.  I was really disappointed when the album kicked off, Track 1 of Side A, and it sounded more like a marching band instead of the usual Tijuana swing.  "What the hell is this?" I grumbled, as car sound effects and crowd noises accompanied the out-of-place marching band.  Was I about to be bamboozled by these mustachioed, wanna-be Mexicano imposters?

Then - thank Big Baby Jesus - the band kicked in, and balance was restored to the Tijuana Universe (Universa de Tijuana.)  A big brass section?  Check.  Maracas?  Check.  Dated '60s keyboards?  Check.  Nothing out of the ordinary, here - this sounds like just about every other Tijuana album I've listened to.  That distinctive swing of '60s Latin music made popular by Senor Herb Alpert, and blasted from living room Hi-Fi's throughout the senior citizen stratosphere for decades.

While possibly forgettable, it's far from some of the gut-wrenching horribleness of previous entries.  And for that, it gets a big 'gracias,' from Yours Truly.  In fact, the only qualm I have with this one - besides the blatantly racist album cover - is the Tijuana Singers themselves.  They don't even have the decency of hiring authentic Tijuanan Mexicanos to sing these songs.  They get the WHITEST people on Earth - probably from Minnesota - dress them up in traditional Mexican costumes, and have them sing Christmas songs along to Tijuanan jazz.  It doesn't blend well at all.  

In fact, it sounds EXACTLY like the album cover looks.  Which, to me, is insane.

A bit hokey for regular listening, so this one's going back into the bin, sadly.  The instrumental numbers are pretty good, next time they need to issue Work Visas for the real thing.

VERDICT:  6/10 - Decent (This is a pretty good Tijuana Christmas album, but the Whitest Singers on Earth drop it down a solid point or two, unfortunately.)

- SHELVED -

Ep. XL: 'The Spirit of Christmas' - Various Artists

Okay, gang.  Time for another installment of Yuletide audio appreciation, this time in 'Newly Improved, Full Dimensional Stereo.'

(I smell trouble. . .)


Album Title:  The Spirit of Christmas

Album Artist:  Various Artists

 

I probably don't need to waste my breath with this one, do I.  Look at the frickin' roster, here: Al Martino, The Lettermen, The Roger Wagner Chorale, etc.  It's a Who's Who of Shitty Christmas Singers.  Apparently Tennessee Ernie Ford, Johnny Mathis, Kate Smith, Mitch Miller, and Roger Whitaker had previous engagements.  If not, this is the Christmas album they were born to be on.

Someone left a Christmas Tree knocked over in the snow.  Always a good sign.

That being said, this album is pretty much a pure crap-show, from start to finish.  The artist choices for this compilation offering from Capitol Records - who, I believe, had quite the stable of talent back in the day - is lackluster, with the exception of Bing Crosby, who was probably dead by the time they recorded this anyway, and they posthumously added his track at the last minute just to pad the track listing.  

(Bing would be ashamed of his involvement on this train wreck.)

Not only are the artists ones from the bottom of the Capitol talent barrel, but their song choices are questionable as well.  Yes, there's some recognizable songs on here, but there's a lot of lesser-known carols that hang on the fringes of cultural norms.  While perhaps not generally a huge deal, I suppose, it should go without saying that you should probably pick more mainstream songs if your roster pool is so abysmal.  I mean, come on - "Gesu Bambino?" "Silent Night," sang in German?  Give me a frickin' break.

I'm really trying to rack my brain with regards to what could possibly be the worst song on this album, and it's difficult to say.  Peggy Lee's bizarre, children's/anti-PETA/Put's-the-Lotion-on-its-Skin song, "Don't Forget to Feed the Reindeer" is up there.  Maybe The Letterman's opener, "The Christmas Waltz," which is so boring I contemplated grading papers while listening to it.  In fact, the only saving grace on these albums are those two tracks by the Hollyridge Strings, one per side, where's there's no singing at all.  And these aren't necessarily awesome, they're just not terrible.

So yeah.  Avoid this like you would a leper.  Or Ohio.

VERDICT:  2/10 - Reality TV (You can thank the Hollyridge Strings for the pity point, Spirit of Christmas.  This one's going right back to Salvation Army, where it came from.)

- DONATED -

Ep. XXXIX: 'Country Christmas' - Loretta Lynn, Various Artists

 Hi fellas.

Who's ready for more Holiday jammitude?  Let's see what we got on the ol' docket today. . .

Album Title:  Country Christmas with Loretta Lynn and Friends

Album Artist:  Loretta Lynn, Various Artists

I'm not going to lie to you folks:  I love me some old school Honky Tonk.  Don't ask me how or why, I certainly didn't grow up around that stuff - I was raised on Classic Rock and Jim Henson.  Nevertheless, I'd place old Country/Western music (50s - 70s) among my favorite genres.  Johnny Cash is one of my top-five favorite artists, and there's a score of other old country singers that I absolutely love:  Hank Williams, Roger Miller, Waylon Jennings, and even this lil' gal right here, Loretta Lynn.  

Some super shitty, '70s-era Photoshop skills on display here.  Could they really not afford to photograph Loretta standing in front of this window?

I bought this album at the Salvation Army during the same visit I bought the two previously-reviewed turds, along with about seven other Holiday records I hope to review in the coming weeks.  I read 'Loretta Lynn. . .' on the cover and said, "Hell, I know exactly what I'm getting here."  I mean, she's one of those artists who always delivers to meet your expectations.  She's like a female, country version of Chuck Berry:  you only need to say her name and you know exactly what a song by her would sound like.

And for the most part, on this album, that rationale is pretty accurate.  

Side A of this album is all Loretta, with the B Side being split up between various old country singers (more on them later.)  Right out of the gate, Loretta kicks off into her usual sassy-voiced Honky Tonk girl swagger, and the tune works.  I'm pretty sure it's an original, and it's a solid Christmas jam.  If the entire A Side of this album followed this opening track's lead, this would be a pretty decent little Christmas album.

But it doesn't.

"Away in a Manger" comes up next, and Loretta is no longer the hands-on-her-hips, "nobody takes my man" singer we all know and love.  Instead, she sings the whole song in this creepy, sloppy whisper, where she tries and vibratos but it instead comes out as a drunken warble.  Over the years I've heard Loretta, in many of her songs, putting her foot down with a drunken fool of a husband, or the like.  Here, though, it turns out Loretta is the drunk, and she sings like she's trying to sneak in through her kitchen at 3am without waking the rest of her family up.

The lack of 'quality control,' if you will, is pretty jarring.

From Our Home to Yours.  Par for the course.

Side B is a fourth-tier offering of "hey remember that one song?" -artists from the late 60s/early 70s -era of Country Music.  That one guy that had that one song that was all the rage for a couple months back in '72?  Yeah, he has a song on Side B.  So's the guy that opened for him when they toured State Fairs that summer.  I could make more jokes along these lines, but I think you get the point.

As far as good ol' Country Christmas-type albums go, this isn't bad.  But there's a hell of a lot better ones out there, and my turntable is a pretty exclusive club these days.

VERDICT:  6/10 - Decent (All in all, it's not a horrible album, per se, but it had potential to be a hell of a lot better.)

- SHELVED -

Ep. XXXVIII: 'The Sounds of Christmas' - Fred Waring

 Time for another installment of pre-Holiday Season weirdness, America.

Get your Jam Pants on. . .

Album Title:  The Sounds of Christmas

Album Artist:  Fred Waring and the Pennsylvanians

I'm going to start this off by saying that this is a really, really bizarre album.

Now, you wouldn't really think it by merely looking at the album cover (though anyone who comes up with 'The Pennsylvanians' for an ensemble name is probably a bit weird.)  If anything, one would think that, upon looking at the album artwork, this would be yet another 'down home Country Christmas' offering, focusing on vocal-heavy, organ-and-bell numbers the likes we've seen, oh, thirty or forty f***ing times already in this Great Christmas Odyssey of ours.

I sure as hell did.

Well, you'd be wrong, folks.  This album does indeed focus on the vocals - the Pennsylvanians are more or less a church choir, and they do their churchy choir thing as could be expected.  Barely any musical instruments to be found here; you're more or less sitting in a church pew for this one, listening to your fellow parishioners belt out Holiday carols.  Not terrible, for what it is.  If that's your thing, you'd probably love this offering.

(Me?  Not so much.)

What's really weird about this album is the random sound effects.  When I read 'The Sounds of Christmas,' I assumed - like most folks probably would - that this referred to the various carols the choir was singing.  Well, what it refers to is church bells, train whistles, the sounds of crowds and cars, etc. - basically anything the guys who mixed this down could get their hands on.  I feel like some asshole with a reel-to-reel recorder was walking around the outside of the church, trying to get inside to record the choir, and accidentally had the recorder running as he was frantically trying to find the entrance.

Not very professional, Fred Waring.

Sound effects aside, no song on this album is very long.  They get about a minute into a song before they fade out and fade back in to the choir singing another Holiday carol.  Sometimes it fades out back to church bell sound effects, other times it fades in to a children's choir, or organ music that doesn't have anything to do with what the choir was previously singing.  I'm pretty sure the guy who mixed this album down was high as a kite.

Then, inexplicably, there's an ol' timey slave spiritual in the middle of Side A.  I shit you not.  Like, think Roots.  It makes NO SENSE, and as I was playing this in the comfort of my Study, I literally glanced over my shoulder to make sure there weren't any African Americans standing in my backyard that might take offense to me playing this.  The slave spiritual eventually transitions into a southern revivalist banger, as if a group of African American church-goers from the Deep South burst open the previous church's doors and hijacked the recording process for a song or two, then left without saying anything.

After a song or two of borderline racist-randomness, it goes right back to the boring, run-of-the-mill church choir warbling.  With no previous indication that the slave spirituals and Black Church testifyin' ever happened.  Did the elderly church choir even notice?

This album gives me anxiety.

VERDICT:  3/10 - Seriously? (Random sound effects and slave spirituals do not equate to Holiday music, Fred Waring.  This album scores a pity point for being sooo random that I plan on keeping it among my Christmas collection just so I can play it for people once and awhile as proof of its existence.)

- SHELVED -

Ep. XXXVII: 'Christmas: The Season of Music' - Various Artists

 Welcome back, America, to the Hough Family's Greatest Holiday Tradition.

The Great Christmas Record Odyssey.

If you're new to these parts (I doubt you are, but bear with me), allow me to briefly explain myself.

Every Holiday Season, Yours Truly pulls out of his storage his ever-expanding vinyl collection of Holiday Music.  I make it a point to listen to every, last Christmas record I own, and I take the time while doing so to analyze each offering on my own, personalized 1-to-10 Scale:

10 - . . . And Out Come the Wolves (a symbol of perfection, and arguably one of the greatest albums made in the last twenty five years)
9 - Cowabunga! (if it makes you want to shout like a Ninja Turtle, you know it's good.)
8 - Awesome
7 - Pretty Rad (generally, in order for an album of mine to stay in Holiday Season Rotation, it needs to be rated '7' and up.)
6 - Decent (once and awhile a '6' makes it into constant rotation, but only if it satisfies a previously-vacant Holiday music niche.)
5 - Meh  (Albums in the 6 - 4 range almost always get 'Shelved.'  I hold on to them - for the time being - but they lose turntable time for the duration of the Season.)
4 - Borophyll
3 - Seriously? (anything below this point is put into my annual 'Donate to Goodwill' pile)
2 - Reality TV (there's only one thing shittier than Reality TV in my opinion, and that is. . .)
1 - Ohio (the Ninth Circle of Hell)

Do I border on obsessive with this Holiday past time of mine?  You bet your ass I do, but this is my blog so you're just going to have to deal with it for the next two months or so.  This year I've got a crap-load of stuff to analyze.  Last year I didn't do very much, in comparison to the previous two years, so we're going to have to make up for lost time, here.

So throw on your Santa hats, fetch yourself a holiday cocktail, and let us do this.

Album Title:  Christmas: The Season of Music

Album Artist:  Various Artists

This first lil' gem we have here was acquired at a Salvation Army a week or so ago.  I got one look at the cheesy album artwork on this offering and thought to myself, "This is bound to be a pure shit show."  For a buck, I couldn't possibly pass up such a promising experience.

Upon placing it on the turntable, however, I became disappointed:  this album is much better than I expected.  That may sound like a ridiculous thing to bitch about, but I'm going to do so anyway.  In the past, in this Great Christmas Record Odyssey of mine, I've been pleasantly surprised before with thrift store Holiday finds.  Some albums that I think or going to be complete garbage end up being a 7 or 8 on my patent-pending Rating Scale.  These are true gems, and ones that will eventually be repurchased on Discogs or the like in order to get a nicer copy.

Then we have glistening turds like this one.

This album is far from terrible, but it's not necessarily great either.  I'd say it's probably a solid 5, at first listen.  Meh.  It sounds like every other 60s' crooner offering you've ever heard of.  A song by Elle Fitzgerald?  Yup.  The Lettermen?  Yup as well.  Tennessee Ernie Ford?  Yes, that son of a bitch is on here, too. . . more or less because he's literally on every Holiday music record ever made.

I guess what pisses me off so much about this record is the fact that I purchased it with the sole hope of being comically bad.  Like, to the point where I'd be laughing hysterically, drinking a beer, and shaking my head at its pure awfulness.  Christ knows I've done this countless times before while reviewing Christmas music.  Alas, it wasn't to be this time:  this album isn't bad, it's just 'meh.'  

Vanilla.  White bread.  Bland.

I mean, come on - look at these creepy-ass dolls.  How can an album with this artwork on the cover be not-horrifying?  A bunch of what appears to be traditionally-clothed German (maybe Swiss or Belgian, I don't know) children, dancing around in some kind of a seance circle with what seems to be an older child dressed up like Santa Claus?  This demands some kind of Level 1 or Level 2 shittiness.

Bring on the obligatory cheesy From-Our-House-to-Yours message. . .

The closest thing to 'comically bad' we have on this offering is a tune from - I shit you not - The Korean Orphan's Choir.  Holy crap.  Yes, they have thick accents.  No, I'm not going to make fun of that - that's like shooting fish in a barrel.  My jokes are a little wittier than that, give me some credit here, folks.

So yeah.  F*** you very much, The Season of Music.  You're really starting the year off right.

VERDICT:  4/10 - Borophyll (This would've been a '5' - as it's just bland and generic Christmas crooning - but it loses a point for pissing me off by being just 'boring' and not comically bad.)

- SHELVED -