Ep. XXX: 'Town and Country Sound of Christmas' - Various Artists

 Welcome to the 30th Episode of the Great Christmas Record Odyssey, America.  Let's flex them holly jollies of yours . .

Album Title:  Town and Country Sound of Christmas

Album Artist:  Various Artists

I picked this up from the Bethesda thrift store across from my school one day on my way home from work.  It cost 59 cents, the jacket was in Very Good + condition. . . that was enough for me.

A Who's Who list of boring, boring artists.

This compilation is supposedly put on by the good people at Town and Country.  I'm not entirely sure what the hell that is, though.  I mean, there was a Town and Country restaurant in my hometown of Clare, MI., back in the '80s and '90s, but that closed down years ago.  I used to drive by it all the time - it was right on the main strip of town - but I never once set foot in that joint, if only because it was where old people went to slowly pick at their homestyle platters in the dark.

Definitely not the sort of place I'd want to frequent.

So, was this LP released by some long-extinct restaurant chain?  It definitely sounds feasible, mainly because this album is the exact, audio representation of a dark room of elderly people, picking at their food in silence and patiently awaiting their deaths over plates of toast and casserole.  At this point, the meal, and the company, has become routine:  a worn out pantomime run on muscle memory that's lost all enjoyment or will to live.   That's exactly what we have here.

Most of these selections are by country artists - and, randomly, Lou Rawls and Ella Fitzgerald (token black artists - way to be progressive, Town and Country) - and most of these arrangements are as about as offensive and edgy as one could expect from a place like Town and Country.  This LP is a total bore-fest, which, in itself, would rank it a solid 4 on my trusty Holiday rating scale.  It's difficult to stay awake to this, with its muted music, too-loud-for-the-mix vocal tracks, and slower-than-necessary tempos, accompanied by warbling women and baritone men belting out boring renditions of Holiday favorites.

Then Tennessee Ernie Ford strolls in and scares the living shit out of everyone in the restaurant.

His Balrog-ish voice easily knocks this album down a solid two points, from a simple boring restaurant filled with old people down into a nightmarish hellscape where a demon from the 9th Circle of Hell emerges from a fissure in the Town and Country floor and starts terrorizing the elderly patrons trying to chew their macaroni and cheese.  Tables are flipped over, limbs are ripped off, adult diapers are soiled, blood flies everywhere, and no senior discounts are given.

If you listen to this album, may God have mercy on your soul.

VERDICT:  2/10 - Reality TV (A boring compilation suited for old people, made even more horrifying by Tennessee Ernie Ford's scarier-beyond-all-rational-thought sing-song 'crooning.')

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