Ep. XVIII: 'Merry Christmas' - Bing Crosby

 Here we go again. . .

Album Title:  Merry Christmas

Album Artist:  Bing Crosby

It’s hard to find anything wrong with a classic.

They use the term ‘classic’ for a reason, folks:  it denotes timeless, awesome, and the idea that things that have come since don’t quite stack up to it.  Think about some common examples, real quick:  Classical Greece, Classical Music, Classic Rock, Classic Star Wars.  See what I mean?  Classics stick around indefinitely because they’re so good that they never fall out of favor with the masses, which is why most people today can still readily identify the principles of democracy, the symphonies of Mozart, the songs of the Rolling Stones, and the Millennium Falcon.

That bow-tie is straight-up gangster.

You wanna know what else they can readily identify?  Bing’s version of ‘White Christmas.’

Even if one doesn’t know who sings it, they’ve heard it.  Everybody’s heard it.  Same goes for half a dozen other gems on this classic Christmas offering from the Bingster:  they’re Holiday classics, and will be around long after you and I are both dead and rotting in the ground.

Now, this album isn’t necessarily one of my personal favorites, but it’s still good.  I don’t have any nostalgic relationship with this album, despite the fact nearly every track on here is familiar.  Growing up, this wasn’t something that was on heavy rotation in our house.  That probably has something to do with the fact that, as a kid, I was being exposed to other Holiday fare (Vince Guaraldi Trio, the Rudolph the Redness Reindeer soundtrack, the Muppets various Christmas albums, etc.)

And nobody’s ever accused Bing of making kids music.

That being said, it’s impossible to really find anything faulty with this album.  It’s a great collection of several of his biggest Christmas hits.  This dude was one of the best-selling recording artists of the 20th century, and his catalog is enormous.  As such, I’m sure there was a lot to choose from when compiling songs for this particular album, but I think the producers did well with this assortment.

Long story short, this one shall definitely remain in rotation throughout the rest of the Holiday season.  While it doesn’t achieve the higher scores of, say, the Muppets or A Charlie Brown Christmas, it’s still really good, and definitely earns its place in the pantheon of Holiday treasures.

VERDICT:  8/10 - Awesome  (Keepin' it classic.)

- REMAINS IN ROTATION -

Ep. XVII: 'The Little Drummer Boy' - Dan Janse/ 'The Little Drummer Boy' - The Abbey Choir

 Time for another Holly, Jolly episode of vinyl-scrutinizin', America.  Hold on to yer butts. . .

Album Title:  The Little Drummer Boy

Album Artist:  Don Janse and His 60 Voice Children's Chorus

So. . . how many of you guys like checking out circuses?  What about circuses during the Holidays?  That might be a stretch, I agree; I don't really know of circuses that travel around the country during the winter.  Elephants don't take too kindly to the snow and frigid temperatures - just ask Hannibal Barca of Carthage -  BOOM  (. . . that's what I call a historical reference, folks.)  

This kid looks a Gypsy.  And I say that as racistly as humanly possible.

Okay, so circuses are out. . . what about carnivals?  You guys like going to carnivals for the Holidays?  Poorly-managed, poorly-lit carnivals, where the rides are rusted and the vendor 'prizes' are creepily twenty or thirty years old.  How about clowns and toothless carnies - they cool?

Sound Christmas-y to anyone out there?

No?

Well, then this shit-fest of an album shouldn't, either.  Because that's what this is, America:  a shady carnival with frozen, dead elephants, toothless hordes of drifters, and the scariest children's choir this side of Neverland.

Of course this came from Grandpa Jones. . .

Perhaps I can win you over with this steaming pile of once-chestnuts.  What if I threw in whirling organs and polka keyboards?  No other instruments, just keyboards and organs; maybe some jingle bells here and there, but I really think the emphasis needs to be placed on the creepy-ass children singing along with the oompa-oompa melody.

Seriously.  The music on this album sounds like someone (probably a cigar-smoking chimp) wound up a music box and let the shit fly (probably literally.)

I don't know who Don Janse is, but if I ever meet him in person I think I'm going to punch him square in the junk.

This doesn't make me think of Christmas at all.  It makes me want to hug my children close and never let them go.

But not in a heartwarming way.

VERDICT:  1/10 - Ohio  (I'm sleeping with the lights on tonight.)

- SHELVED -

Album Title:  The Little Drummer Boy

Album Artist:  The Abbey Choir

Is this a dude?

This outing from the Abbey Choir (I say that as if you or I have any idea of who the hell these people are) is a much more solid album than the previous Little Drummer Boy.   Instead of creepy organs and kids singing off-key, we have a proper, church-ish choir, which doesn’t necessarily work when singing ‘fun’ Christmas songs like ‘Jingle Bells’ or ‘White Christmas’ (you hearing me, Great Songs of Christmas?), but really knocks it out of the park when it comes to the more serious, religious carols.

The version of the title track on this album is pretty famous - you’ve heard it before, I guarantee it.  A choir, the females singing angelically while the dudes sing ‘Hrum. Hrum-hrum hrum,’ and it slowly builds to a crescendo as the song progresses.  Know which one I’m talking about?

Of course you do.

Anyway, if every track on this album was as prolific as ‘The Little Drummer Boy,’ you’d have a solid ‘7’ on your hands.  Maybe an ‘8.’  Sadly, the title track stands out as the home run on this record, while the rest of the carols get the usual treatment.  The choir does well, and the songs are pleasant, but there’s not a whole lot here that differentiates it from all of the rest of the holiday music I’ve reviewed thus far.  A few songs are presented well, but the rest - while not bad - is kinda forgettable.

Still, the album represents that niche genre within the broader Christmas range that is important, and should be kept in rotation throughout the Holiday season.  This may be the best ‘religious’ album I have for the Holiday season, and so, despite its lower score, I think I’ll make an exception to my ‘7 and up’ rule and keep it out for the remainder of the Holidays.  If only to have on hand when I’m feeling more ‘churchy.’

(. . . though you can imagine how often that happens.) 

VERDICT:   6/10 - Decent  (May God have mercy on its soul. . .)

- REMAINS IN ROTATION -

- Brian

Ep. XVI: 'A Very Special Christmas' / 'Jingle Bell Jazz' - Various Artists

 Merry Almost-Christmas, Internet . .

Album Title:  A Very Special Christmas

Album Artist:  Various Artists

   

"Special."

I'm a sucker for '80s music, guys.  For real.  I don't care if it's shallow pop music, either; there's something nostalgically fun about the genre, and I've reached that age where I no longer define myself by what I listen to, and no longer care what anyone thinks about it.

This particular Holiday compilation is straight out of that '80s nostalgic vein that I usually appreciate, but the song choices on this record are kinda. . . meh.  Not a lot of great stuff on here.  Some good, lot of bad.  With so many other better records out there vying for precious rotation time, I don't see this particular album really holding up.

But let me address one particular thing I did notice about this album:  it's proceeds benefit the Special Olympics.  And it's called 'A Very Special Christmas.'

Um. . . 

Seriously.

Guys, let's just cut all the PC crap here and just call this album what it really is: A Very Retarded Christmas.  When you call something 'Special,' and it's a byproduct of the Special Olympics, you're basically calling it retarded.  I know that term is no longer considered 'cool' by society, but, as the saying goes:

"A rose by any other name is still retarded."

VERDICT:  6/10 - Meh (Totally '80s. . . but not in the good way.)

- SHELVED -

Album Title:  Jingle Bell Jazz

Album Artist:  Various Artists

This one is barely worth my time.  It's jazz, but it's shitty jazz.  It's bizarre, it's overly-complicated to the point where it sounds more like noise than music, and the singing on here - yes, it's not even decent enough to be an instrumental jazz album - makes me want to kill myself.

True, there is one track from Dave Brubeck (however you spell his name) on here that isn't half bad, but considering the amount of talent you have on here - Duke Ellington, Miles Davis, etc. - you'd think this would be somewhat enjoyable.  Right?  Am I crazy to think that?  Like I told you guys before:  I'm not big into jazz in the first place, and this sounds worse than most other jazz I've heard.

On a closing note, I want to ask the Internet what the hell is going on with this mysterious drifter walking through the snow in the picture (at left)?  I mean, it looks cold as shit out, right?  Look at all that snow.

Where's the dude's hat?  How about gloves and a scarf, bro?  Clearly this dude's an idiot.  And he probably has some kind of cognitive defect that clouds his judgement.

I bet he likes jazz.

Barf.

VERDICT:   2/10 - Reality TV  (Gets a merciful bonus point for Dave Brubeck's track. . .)

- SHELVED -

- Brian

Ep. XV: 'Christmas Rhapsodies for Young Lovers' - Midnight String Quartet

 Welcome back to another yuletide, holly jolly jam-fest, America. . .

Album Title:  Christmas Rhapsodies for Young Lovers

Album Artist:  Midnight String Quartet

  

I'm finding out, throughout this whole album-reviewing process, that I'm a sucker for dated instrumental records.  Especially those from the '60s.

If there was ever an audible representation of 'candles,' this would be it, folks.  This whole album resonates 'candles,' which works for those people who are big into candles.

I'm really not all that into candles per se, but I do own some and therefore don't really have anything against them.

The album artwork for this album is, well. . . see for yourself:

I imagine these two models ended up hooking up after this shoot.  And they ended up doing some horrible, horrible things.  All in the spirit of Christmas, of course.

Honestly - why don't artists have weird-ass pictures like this on CDs or mp3 albums anymore?  I swear to God:  classic vinyl art is something that should have NEVER gone out of style.

Anyway, back to the music.  You wanna get a good idea of what this album sounds like?  Think HARPSICHORD.  There's a shit-ton of harpsichord on this album.  You'd think you were in Louis XIV's court or something (historical reference, what?).  There's also copious amounts of Liberace piano, dated string arrangements, and, of course, jingle bells.  Lots and lots of jingle bells.

Good ol' 'Snuff' Garrett.  Seriously. . . they couldn't have given that dude a better nickname than 'Snuff'?

Jingle bells and harpsichords.  You'd think it wouldn't work, but, like I stated before:  I'm a sucker for super-cheesy, dated instrumentals.  And this one's got it and then some.  It's a solid background soundtrack (if not a little cheesy), particularly while you're having a Christmas cocktail and rubbing your toes into some shag carpeting.

VERDICT:  7/10 - Pretty Rad (Would have been a '6,' but the cover art bumps it up a point.)

- REMAINS IN CIRCULATION -

- Brian

Ep. XIV: 'Pretty Paper' - Willie Nelson/ 'Christmas' - Tennessee Ernie Ford

 Welcome back to another yuletide, holly jolly jam-fest, America. . .

Album Title:  Pretty Paper

Album Artist:  Willie Nelson

I'm a big fan of old honky tonk, guys.  Cash, Waylon, Hank, Twitty, etc.  Can't stand the new, poppy shit they're passing off as 'Country' these days, but the old country/western stuff of the '40s - '70s is usually gold in my book.  I have gigs of the shit in my iTunes library, and stacks of vinyl on my record shelves, so I like to think I know what I'm talking about.

Willie generally falls within that category, too. . . but what we have here is, like, Willie's lame, chromosome-deficient half-sibling.  Instead of marijuana, whiskey, gravel and blood, this Bizarro Willie knows only doilies, living room organs, lemon squares, and the unbridled joys of a good, fleece throw.

What the f*** is up with that beret and earring?

This sure as hell doesn't sound like the Willie I know.  Jesus Christ, just check out his picture.

Anyway, this whole album features that aforementioned living room organ prominently on every track on this record.  It sounds exactly like the ones found in either one of my grandmothers' houses growing up.  Warbly, poor-toned eye-sores that were more novelty than instrument.  In the '60s and '70s, they were probably living room staples, I'm sure;  much like the Hi-Fi, wet bar, and umbrella stand.  I had fun playing on them when I was a kid, but shit - what the hell did I know when I was a kid?  I thought the Civil War was the greatest thing ever and played with G.I. Joes until I was waaaay too old to be doing so.

But let's get back to Mr. Nelson, here.

If you're looking for a solid Honky Tonk Christmas album, folks, I got some bad news for you:  this sure as shit ain't it.  This isn't even close to Country; hell, the stuff they're playing on 'country' stations now sounds more country than what we have here.  This album was cut in 1979, which may explain the gooey delivery of Bizarro Willie, the heavily-used Grandma Organ, and the creepy song list (a bunch of kids songs, Willie?  SERIOUSLY?)

I'm disappointed with this, to tell you the truth.  I figured I might stumble across a song on this record about a rebellious drifter rolling on down the highway, low on gas and money but full of Christmas cheer (and a bellyful of whiskey to boot.)  Or perhaps a slow ballad holiday song about a drunkard all alone on Christmas Eve, sitting in the dark, drunk, and thinking about his lost love and prioritizing his yuletide shit.

But no.

Here we have a woozy crooner butchering kids songs, far out of his element, somewhere in the bowels of his grandmother's living room.

It's really weirding me out.

VERDICT:  4/10 - Borophyll (Sympathy points for being Willie Nelson, who - despite what we have here - is a bonafide badass.)

- SHELVED -

Album Title:  Christmas

Album Artist:  Tennessee Ernie Ford

You know that ol' phrase, 'fool me once, shame on you/fool me twice, shame on me'?  That's kinda what we have, here.

At first, upon dropping the needle, I was met with a moderately fast country version of 'Up On the Housetop,' and I thought to myself, 'Well gall'darn - maybe Tennessee Ernie Ford has redeemed himself on this one' ('cause God knows his past appearances on some of those Christmas compilations have been train wrecks.)

Well, that was pretty short-lived.  As soon as the dude started singing, I once again remembered why it is this guy grates me so damn much in the first place:  his cartoon-villain, baritone voice.  It works for Johnny Cash, one of my top five favorite musicians, 'cause in his case it sounds like a man with a deep voice singing with conviction.  With Mr. Ford, though, you get the feeling that he actually talks like an average-pitched person, and is going out of his way and trying to have those baritone pipes.

The result is, well, unsettling.

If Skeletor's legion of bad guys on Eternia were cutting a Christmas album, Tennessee Ernie Ford is the first dude they'd phone up.  No doubt about it.

This album's arrangements are hokey, and with Ford's creepy bass-heavy voice crooning over top of it, it's hard to imagine this album being any worse than it already is.

. . . but then the spoken verses appear.

I don't who the hell enjoys the spoken verse on an album.  If I'm listening to music, I don't want to hear someone stop singing only to start talking to me - that's like watching a dramatic scene of a movie and then having the actor turn to the camera, breaking the fourth wall, and speaking directly to the viewer.  It's jarring, and it's stupid.

But that's not even the worst part, folks.  Oh yes:  this album gets worse.

Worse than Ford's singing, worse than the corny spoken verses (which are soooo bad they're almost awesome at times), is the children's choir.  Ford - for whatever Goddamn reason - decided to record a Christmas album full of children's songs.  If having someone like Ford groaning over a collection of kid songs wasn't creepy enough, he has an accompaniment of children singing throughout the album.  Unlike the Disney children's chorus, which sticks to background vocals, on Ford's album the kids are the main attraction:  there are kids singing solos on this record, which puts the kid front and center on several of these songs.

What's so wrong about kids singing?  Well, nothing, I guess. . . but when they're singing back and forth with Ford's cartoon villain voice, it sounds HORRIFYING.  It sounds less like a Christmas album and more like Tennessee Ernie Ford has a bunch of kidnapped kids locked away in a pit in his basement, and in order for them to receive food, he demands that they sing Christmas carols with him.  They cry and beg to be let go, but Ford - dressed like a woman, wearing lipstick, and screaming at them in his sinister Holiday voice - demands they sing for their supper.  

"IT SINGS 'HARK! THE HERALD ANGELS SING' OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN."

VERDICT:   2/10 - Reality TV (It gets a pity point for the slightly country tone, cheesy inspirational note on the back, and comically terrible spoken verses found throughout this record.)

- SHELVED -

- Brian

Ep. XIII: 'O Come, All Ye Faithful' - Kate Smith/ 'Give Me Your Love for Christmas' - Johnny Mathis

 Okay folks, be forewarned:  this one ain't gonna be pretty. . .

Album Title:  O Come, All Ye Faithful

Album Artist:  Kate Smith

Whored-up Grandma, anyone?

This may be the worst Christmas album I've ever heard.

And that's saying a lot.

No clue where I got it from, but the only reason I still own it must be due to the fact that the album cover features a hilarious, whored-up grandma on the cover.

I don't know who Kate Smith is, but I'm pretty sure that, at the time of recording, she was in her 50s.  Judging by the cover art, I'm also assuming that she's one of those 50-somethings that still dresses like she's in her 20s or 30s.  Maybe she was hot when she was younger and didn't get the memo that she's far past her prime, I don't know.

An 'ideal album,' you say?

What I do know, America, is this:  this album is horrendous.

The sound mix is juvenile, with instruments fading in and out so fast you'd think you were listening to TIE fighters screeching past your living room.  This assault on the senses is coupled with Grandma Smith's "bell-like clarity" (whatever the blue f*** that means.) I think that's the nice way of saying she 'sings pretty,' but I'd like to think that the guy that wrote the back cover notes is Kate's grandson.

Who wouldn't want to compliment their grandma's singing, even if she did sound like she was half-comatose from gargling a chubby handful of valium?

(F.Y.I. - Kate Smith sounds like she is half-comatose from gargling a chubby handful of valium.)

Anyway, I'm not only shelving Grandma Smith, but she's being Goodwill'd at the earliest possible convenience.

VERDICT:  1/10 - Ohio  (Makes me question the existence of a supreme deity)

- SHELVED -

Album Title:  Give Me Your Love for Christmas

Album Artist:  Johnny Mathis

Dottie strikes again.

Oh, Mr. Mathis. . . what the hell am I going to do with you.

This record, evidently, comes from the collection of "Dottie". . . whoever the hell that is.  Dottie has a really, really weird taste in music.

Plus, with a name like "Dottie," you know she's a crazy old lady.  Who probably lives with fourteen cats and is obsessed with porcelain figurines.

"Give me your love.  Or else."

Anyway, this album sounds a lot like Johnny Mathis' other album I reviewed earlier - mellow crooning, backed by a '60s 'swinging' soundtrack that is both accessible and forgettable.   Honestly, I don't know how the hell this guy sold so many albums back in the day.  Sure, he can carry a tune, but the arrangements we have here are sooooo boring that its hard to sit through the two sides of the record without falling asleep.

Or killing yourself.

It seems to me that the market for this kind of music - as small as it must be - is ridiculously flooded with similarly-sounding artists, and so Johnny Mathis fails to come across as anything unique, here.  Instead, while he's belting out his Christmas carols, he instead reminds one of a mega-lame version of Tom Jones.  Tom Jones sings over similar arrangements, but at least Mr. Jones sounds more alive.

Nice vest, bro.

Plus I don't think I'd want to get in a fight with Tom Jones in a bar:  the dude looks like a caveman.

Humperdinck, Whitaker, Williams, Johnny Mathis, etc. - if it sounds like women in their 70s would be flocking to it in a casino at 3pm on a Tuesday, odds are their Christmas album is going to sound like total shit.

Mission accomplished, Mr. Mathis.

VERDICT:   3/10 - Seriously? (Another shit job from Mr. Mathis. . . but he gets points for sorta sounding like Tom Jones.)

- SHELVED -

- Brian

Ep. XII: 'A Christmas Together' - John Denver and the Muppets/ 'Rocky Mountain Christmas' - John Denver

 It's a John Denver-sorta episode today, Internet.  Get ready for fun.

Album Title:  A Christmas Together

Album Artist:  John Denver and the Muppets

This one's a no-brainer.

A Christmas Together is one of those albums that belongs in every holiday music lover’s record collection, alongside the Vince Guaraldi Trio’s A Charlie Brown Christmas, Disney’s All-Time Holiday Favorites, and Bing Crosby’s Merry Christmas.  It’s a classic, and as such there isn’t a whole hell of a lot I need to say to defend it.

It’s the Muppets, for Christ’s sake.  Not liking the Muppets is like not liking air conditioning or puppies:  it just doesn’t make sense.

Inside sleeve art (I love Rolf's hands tickling the keys at the far left.)

This collaboration with John Denver - which, I’ll admit, sounds a bit random when you first think of it - is music gold.  You have to remember that back in the day, during the hey-day of the Muppet Show, everybody who was anybody wanted a chance to jam with the Muppets.  They were the gods of television back then, so it only makes sense that, while at the height of his popularity and star power, a performer like John Denver would agree to cut an album with the Muppets.

Gangstas.

It doesn’t disappoint, either.  Much like the Disney holiday album I already reviewed, the Muppets and Mr. Denver take a similar approach in singing various Christmas standards:  the Muppets take the fun-loving carols, like ‘Twelve Days of Christmas,’ ‘Little Saint Nick,’ etc., while John Denver takes the more solemn, Jesus-based songs like ‘Noel’ (which plays to his strength as a mellow country singer.)

Unlike the Disney characters, I think the Muppets do have a handful among their ranks that could get away with singing a more religious jam, namely Kermit and Robin.  Nevertheless, I assume the album is named John Denver and the Muppets and not The Muppets (feat. John Denver) for a reason.

Long story short, this album is definitely in my top three as far as Christmas records go.  If you don’t own it, something’s seriously wrong with you.

VERDICT:  10/10 - . . . And Out Come the Wolves (The Muppets scoring less than '10/10'?  I don't think so. . .)

- REMAINS IN CIRCULATION -

Album Title:  Rocky Mountain Christmas

Album Artist:  John Denver

Continuing on with Mr. Denver, we have here a Muppet-less Christmas album that stresses something else the artist is famous for:  his love of the Rocky Mountains.  The whole ‘mountain’ angle shouldn’t really come to much of a surprise for anyone, really:  the dude’s last name is Denver. 

This looks nothing like my kitchen table. . .

While John Denver isn’t one of my favorite old country singers (I personally prefer some gunpowder and whiskey in my country songs, like you can find in the songs of Johnny Cash, Hank Williams, Jimmie Rodgers, etc.), this album is pretty good.  It’s more mellow, so you definitely have to be in the right mood for it.  I’d throw this one on if I was feeling nostalgic, sitting around a fire sipping egg nog and looking through photo albums of Christmases past.  

That’s not really the sort of environment that screams ‘Muppets’ or demands a rip-roaring Johnny Cash album blaring in the background, so John Denver is an acceptable substitute.

Now, I personally prefer my John Denver with a sprinkling of Henson, so this album doesn’t achieve the score of the other album in today’s Episode.  Nevertheless, it’s still good enough to remain on the Hough Record Holiday Shelf ’til December 26th or so.

VERDICT:   6/10 - Decent  (No Muppets, but still pretty good.)

- REMAINS IN CIRCULATION -

- Brian

Ep. XI: 'We Wish You a Merry Christmas' - Ray Conniff/ 'God Rest Ye Merry Jazzmen' - Various Artists

 Album Title:  We Wish You a Merry Christmas

Album Artist:  Ray Conniff and the Ray Conniff Singers

One look at this album and you can't help but chuckle to yourself.  "Are these guys serious?  How campy is this record?"

It does come across so, for sure; this album is one part Christmas carol medleys, one part the Hobbit's Glenn Yarbrough, one part Barbarella, one part CBS' Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, and two parts early '60s London swing.  You intrigued yet?  You should be, folks.  Is this indeed a strange mix?  Definitely.

But, believe it or not, it works.

Swingers (I especially like the creepy due in the middle, copping a feel.  For Baby Jesus.)

I like this one.

No idea who 'Dottie' is. . .

This album - like the cover art suggests, is a lot of fun.  Its total '60s cheesiness, but it relishes in it, and, like other albums I've reviewed so far, it does it so well embracing its roots that it holds up.

This album's collection of carols and holiday medleys ranges from early folk arrangements (pre-Dylan Greenwich Village folk. . . the kind of folk that didn't scare parents back in the day), to jazzy Yuletide renditions, to straight-up early '60s R & B and Shuffle.  The vocalists lead the songs instead of overpowering them, and to listen to it - ignoring the 'Singers' title on the front cover - you wouldn't think you were listening to a vocal album.  The music itself holds up and then some:  I'm a big fan of these medleys.

. . .is he doing a magic trick?

Dated?  Yeah, of course it is; if it's one thing the '60s did well, it was give their holiday tunes a signature 'sound.'  On this album, the folky accoustic guitar comes and goes, as does the full marching band, the orchestra, and the little collection of South-of-the-Border mariachi players.

If it sounds random, that's 'cause it is.  By all rationale, one shouldn't have a mariachi band playing The First Noel here, only to have a heavy folk rendition of Twelve Days of Christmas appear on the same side of the record.  But Ray Conniff does it.

I don't even know who the hell Ray Conniff is, but I'm a big fan of his now.  This album kicks ass.

VERDICT:  9/10 - Cowabunga! (A pleasant surprise.)

- REMAINS IN CIRCULATION -

Album Title:  God Rest Ye Merry, Jazzmen

Album Artist:  Various Artists

I know this is going to ruffle a few feathers, but I need to get this off my chest once and for all:

I don't like  jazz.

There.  I said it.  Jazz bores me.

Meh.

While there are a few jazz albums I do like - Brubek's Take Five, Vince Guaraldi Trio's Charlie Brown Christmas  ("10/10" - The Houghs) - most of the rest I could happily do without for the remainder of my music-snobbish existence.

(Take that, hipsters.)

Jazz tries to hard.  And honestly, if music's so complex and so intricate that I can't whistle or tap my foot along to it, I really don't see a point in listening.  I don't care how talented you are, Jazz Musicians:  you don't need to try so hard convincing everyone you're awesome.

You ever hear the drummer from AC/DC?  That guy sure as hell doesn't show off, but he still rocks the drums.

Very rarely does any song on here in any way, shape or form resemble the Christmas song it's supposedly emulating.  Some bars you get the basic melody peaking through, but then it becomes drowned in overly-complicated drum fills, sax solos, and piano spasms.

Are these dudes talented?  Absolutely.  But I'd rather have a happy-go-lucky, homeless guy with two teeth slobbering into a harmonica and carrying 'Jingle Bells' than listen to this.

. . . come to think of it, that sounds awesome.  Someone round me up a hobo.  Post haste.

VERDICT:  5/10 - Meh (Tries too hard.  I'm not impressed.)

- SHELVED -

- Brian

Ep. X: 'The Enchantment of Christmas' - Various Artists/ 'Christmas Carols' - The Winston Singers

 Album Title:  The Enchantment of Christmas

Album Artist:  Various Artists

This album - this one right here - this surprised me.

You'd think, based on the cheeseball photograph of a barn/covered bridge/outhouse surrounded by a snow-covered woods, that this album would be just another Christmas throwaway like some of the other crap I've been reviewing lately (you hearin' me, Tennessee Ernie Ford?).  Operatic male singing, women warbling over brass-heavy instrumental songs that remind you of a boring church service, the Mormon Tabernacle Choir (seriously), etc.

But this compilation actually isn't bad.  Why, it's kinda good, even.

The line-up helps.  Guy Lombardo's back, along with the Ames Brothers, Bing, Satchmo, Judy Garland, Sammy Kaye, and a handful of other tried-and-trues that deliver on this dated-but-still-good Christmas compilation.  It's the balls-iness of the arrangements that set this album above the rest of the '50s/60s crooner comps I've reviewed in previous episodes:  a swinging horn section here, an adjusted time signature there, instrument solos, and, frankly, better singing.

Yuletide inspirationals, anyone?

I don't care how good of a singer you are, if what you're singing DOES NOT SEEM TO FIT THE MUSIC OF THE SONG YOU ARE SINGING, you are going to sound like complete crap.  Sorry, that's just how it is.  That's Music 101, Great Songs of Christmas Volumes from Columbia Records - do your frickin' homework.

Now, will this go down as one of my personal Holiday favorites?  No, probably not.  But is it a good supplemental album that does the '50s/'60s crooning thing right, while so many other albums I've already reviewed have done it wrong?  Yes.

And for that, dear readers, this lil' guy earned himself a spot in the Holiday Circulation Shelf.

Congratulations, guy.

VERDICT:  7/10 - Pretty Rad ('50s holiday crooning done right.  Finally.)

- REMAINS IN CIRCULATION -

- Brian

Album Title:  Christmas Carols

Album Artist:  The Winston Singers

It's 1964, okay/All across the U.S.A.

First of all, before we get started, I'd like to bring your attention to the date scrawled across the front cover.  A small, modest '1964,' written across an ugly, Victorian housewife.  In calligraphy.

Looks like I inherited this from good ol' Granny Hough.

Anyway, this album is what one might call a 'vocal album.'  Simply put, this album is carried by the singing, not so much the music.  Maybe there's one or two instruments in the background:  on this album, that's usually a stand-up bass (doing a lazy walk so minimal you'd think he's backing up a stand-up comedian instead of a group of singers) and a nautical-sounding accordion.

Beltin' out the jamz. . .

Now, to be fair, the vocalists here sound fine - I'm sure they sound great singing at their local church.   It took me awhile to put my finger on it, but I think what's irritating about this vocalist album is the fact that there's clearly only six or seven people in this choir, and that doesn't seem right to me.  If I want a vocalist album, I want the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, or chanting medieval monks.  Maybe a collection of chain-gang prisoners in the rural South of the 1920s.  Any of those, really.  Not so much what we have here:  this arrangement reminds me a lot of a group of people sitting around a living room singing Christmas carols around a roaring fire.

If that's your thing, cool.  Good luck with that.  It just isn't mine.

That being said, let's address the elephant in the room for a sec, shall we:  THESE CREEPY, F***ING CAROLING DOLLS:

AAAAAAGGGHHHHH

What designer in their right mind approved this for an album cover (and wasn't being 'ironic'. . . 'cause I can totally see this as an indie or punk band's front cover)?

Come to think of it, I don't know at whom I'm more appalled - the craftsman who sculpted these dolls (thanks for ruining my sleep for the next few months, guy), the photographer who took the pictures (nice creepy lighting, dude), the graphic artist who laid out the imagery and letters (sweet Jesus. . .), or, worst of all, the creative director for the record company who nodded solemnly and said something like, "Looks good, Hank - let's run with it."

You know what. . . the creative director.  Yeah, I'm most appalled at him for this disaster.

I need a drink. . .

VERDICT:  2/10 - Reality TV  (Terrible songs, terrible-er imagery.)

- SHELVED -

- Brian