Ep. LXXXV: 'Elvis' Christmas Album'

We've had a lot of weirdness lately, America.  Let's play it safe this time around.

Album Title:  Elvis' Christmas Album

Album Artist:  Elvis Presley

After a cavalcade of really, really bottom-shelf Holiday albums, I decided I needed a break.  Something that wouldn't subject me to a prolonged period of torture, something I could throw on the ol' turntable and breathe a sigh of relief. 

This was just the album for that.

Hail to the King

The King of Rock and Roll* - a term I use with a huge-ass asterisk next to it, since Elvis never wrote a single song in the entirety of his career - sure came out with a ton of Christmas music in his day.  This shouldn't' be surprising, though, since he came out with a heap of albums during his lifetime (and many, many more that came after his infamous, toilet-related death.)  This album contains quite a few of his treasured favorites, but - as is the case with other artists I've reviewed over the years on this blog of ours - it's not for everyone.

If you love Elvis, you'll love this.  If he's not your favorite, odds are you're not gonna like this one.

For me, personally, I prefer Elvis' more upbeat, rocking numbers than his crooning, slower, more introspective songs.  The young Presley/Perkins/Cash/Lewis era of early Country/Rock and Roll in the '50s, where the King was swinging his hips in a manner that scared the bejesus out of White Society.  That's my jam.  Not so much the latter, bloated, crooning Elvis that wore bedazzled leisure suits and sweated profusely.

There's a bit of both Elvises on this album, which I guess is unavoidable considering the guy's range and variety of singing styles and the demand for him to do various genres (rock, country, and gospel, namely.)  I'm fine with this duality because the music of the Holiday Season has its bangers and anthems, just as it has its more chill and low-key carols.  Fortunately, given the King's vocal prowess, he's able to handle both - it just boils down to your own personal preference which Elvis (and consequent songs on this album) you prefer.

"Blue Christmas" and "Santa Claus is Back in Town" are upbeat, swaggering numbers that sound like the rebellious youth, and these two are hands down my favorites.  His churchy numbers on display here, of which there are several, aren't necessarily bad, but they're. . . just not my favorites.  I've heard other artists do them better, but that's not to say that Elvis' versions are bad, per se.

All in all, this album is a safe bet, as it has a little of everything from a reputable legend, who has the rare ability to deliver a signature sound across a wide spectrum of song styles.  This one won't go down as one of my favorite Holiday albums, but it's certainly nothing to stick your nose up to.  Take that for what it's worth, I guess.

VERDICT:  7/10 - Pretty Rad (The King of Rock and Roll made a Christmas album, and it sounds exactly as you'd expect.  No surprises here, good or bad - it's vanilla ice cream, but ice cream nonetheless.)

- REMAINS IN CIRCULATION -

- Brian

Ep. LXXXIV: 'The Care Bears Christmas'

You're all about to think a lot less of me. . .  

Album Title:  The Care Bears Christmas

Album Artist:  The Care Bears

We're really reaching into the far corners of Christmasdom here, America.  Down deep into the black recesses of the Holiday Season, where sinister things lie dormant, awaiting their chance to rise up and unleash pure evil upon unsuspecting revelers.

I give you The Care Bears.

I saw this album at Radio Wasteland a year or two ago and just knew it was going to be a frickin' shit-show, but that would make it fun to review at the very least.

I was wrong.

You'd expect this to be the voices of the Care Bears from the TV series and movies, singing familiar Christmas songs - God knows that's what we've seen before in this Record Odyssey of mine, what with Disney's main cast of characters, with The Muppets, and even with Alvin and the Chipmunks.  Those albums, while definitely children's albums at heart, are executed with precision (arrangements, sound levels, voices, etc.)  Each of these childrens' albums (the Muppets might transcend the 'childrens' label, but they've always straddled the line between 'children' and 'adult') one can listen to without cringe-shuddering with disgust.

This album brings forth the worst feelings one can experience while listening to a Holiday album.

For starters, it's like they couldn't secure the rights to any famous Christmas songs except 'We Wish You a Merry Christmas,' as if these hundreds-year-old Christmas songs aren't public domain.  Did the producers of this album think there's a copyright on 'Jingle Bells'?  What in the actual f***?  Why wouldn't you throw some famous Christmas carols on an album like this, stuff little kids would instantly recognize and be able to sing along with?

That's just the tip of the iceberg, though - it gets waaaaay worse.

The voice-acting here may be some of the absolute shittiest vocals I've ever come across.  Firstly, these are not the original voice actors from the 1980s series, nor the higher-budget movies (which, if you'll recall, I reviewed before on this blog, back when my kids were obsessed with both direct-to-video movies and watched them multiple times a day.)  How do I know the voice actors are different?  I researched it.  I'm not necessarily proud of it, but I did it.  They try and make the bears sound the same, and they sound somewhat similar, but are still noticeably different.  Could they not even secure the original voice actors for this nonsense?

No, they grabbed random-ass people to voice the Big Ten bears (the main characters from the show/movies), and this was the second big mistake the producers of this album made:  these motherf***ckers can't sing at all.  Not even in squeaky cartoon voices.  For Christ's sake, even the dude that voiced Goofy was able to stay in character and 'sing' in Goofy's voice on the Disney Christmas album - here we have voices cracking, people clearly turning away from the microphone when they can't hit their notes. . . it's a disaster.

As unstoppable as this franchise was in the 1980s, it boggles the mind coming to grips with how little care (pun intended) was given while making this album.  The arrangements and production of the songs is garbage, the sound levels are all over the place - it's like it was mixed by a high school A/V club - and performed on a simple Casio keyboard (drums and all.)  The 'skits' that are featured in between and lead in to each song sound like they were recorded during an elementary school Christmas pageant.  Obviously, little kids growing up in the 80s would've loved this album, but I guarantee you that this Christmas album right here, while played repeatedly by stupid children, caused dozens - if not hundreds - of divorces.  

It's that bad.

If there is any proof at all that there is a God out there, it is that a.) the Care Bear Cousins do not make an appearance on this album, and b.) none of the songs chosen for this shit-show of a Christmas album reflect the religious aspect of the season.  There are no 'Silent Night,' or 'Little Town of Bethlehem,' or 'Hark the Herald Angels Sing' to be found, and that is truly a God-send.

If I had to hear Grumpy Bear or Lionheart sing 'Away in a Manger,' I would 100% kill myself.  No doubt about it.

VERDICT:  2/10 - Reality TV (This is one of the worst Christmas albums I have ever heard, and the ONLY reason it ranks as high as it does is because it could've been so much worse.  One pity point is given because the producers had just enough lucidity to realize that the Care Bears shouldn't be singing about Baby Jesus.)

- SHELVED -

- Brian

Ep. LXXXIII: 'Holiday Sing Along with Mitch' - Mitch Miller

Prepare yourself, comrades, for a Luftwaffe-level assault on the Holiday senses. . . . .

Album Title:  Holiday Sing Along with Mitch

Album Artist:  Mitch Miller

Sweet Baby Jesus.  This one's weird, folks.

Such versatility. . .

Mitch Miller made a name for himself with an early '60s TV series called Sing Along with Mitch, that featured this dude and a male chorus (choir?) singing traditional, folk, and pop songs, while lyrics flashed along the bottom of the screen with one of those bouncing balls over each word as it was sung.  Due to the show's popularity - yes, it was popular with viewers -  they released a whole slew of records for people to sing along with.  Pop records, country records, showtunes records, and, like we have here, Christmas records.

Look at all these wonderful. . . lyric sheets.

The fact that someone could make so much money on something as stupid as singing along with music - something we all do anyway with regular, non-karaoke records - really says a lot about the early 1960s and how starved they were for entertainment.  The packaging on this album is interesting, for sure.  There's a still-intact lyric sheet with tear-out pages for each song, so folks could - I assume - rip out the page for the song they were listening to if. . . they didn't feel like holding. . . the entire album cover. . . .?  I guess?  I don't get it.

Anyway, so what does this slicked up production sound like?  Well, have you guys ever seen that meme online that says that when men reach their middle ages they have to either get really into smoking/grilling meats or really into World War II?  It totally makes sense to me, and Yours Truly is definitely guilty of the latter.  This evening I was actually watching the Stalingrad episode of WWII in Color (or something like that - it's really, really good) on Netflix shortly before retiring to the Study to put this album on my turntable.  Upon dropping the needle down, I immediately experienced flashbacks to what I had just been watching.

The first handful of songs on Side 1 are marches, sung by a boisterous male choir (chorus?), seemingly recorded in a large, barren room (the reverb and distance in their voices clearly give this away.)  And maybe it was the fact that I had just been watching German soldiers marching victorious through the burning fields of the Soviet Union in 1942, but listening to these first few songs it was impossible to not imagine a smoky beer hall filled with celebrating Nazi infantrymen.

Why are Nazis singing Christmas carols?  Why are they singing in English?  Who the hell is playing all the accordions?  

Questions like these I don't have answers to.

Not every song on this sing-along album sounds like Nazi propaganda, though.  There are polka-ish numbers, which shouldn't be too shocking for anyone, considering the rabid obsession Americans had with polka music in the '60s.  Other songs sound more folksy in nature (folksy in the Rankin Bass/Glenn Yarbrough The Hobbit vein, that is) - again, not too shocking considering the climate of American music back then.  There's even some children's songs on here. . . and yes, they're equally justifiable and run-of-the-mill for the time period.

While the song styles themselves vary every-so-slightly, the one consistent variable across all songs on this album (aside from the over-reliance on accordions) is the relentless, Aryan male choir.  Whether the song's fast or slow, hard or soft, march or polka, folk or children's, the Fuhrer's Supreme Choir rolls ever onward, crushing all resistance in its way.  There is no stopping the constant barrage of baritone, male bellowing that refuses to cede a single inch or decibel across both sides of this Holiday album.  Poland, France, Belgium, Norway, Czechoslovakia. . . . and now Holiday Sing Along with Mitch. 

What we really need here is for this choir to suddenly find itself bogged down and stuck in snowy, -30 degree weather for awhile.  

If history has shown us anything, guys, it's that a Russian Winter is a sure-fire way to force the Germans to a grinding halt. . .

VERDICT:  4/10 - Borophyll (Indiana Jones said it best, folks: "Nazis. I hate these guys.")

- SHELVED -

- Brian

Ep. LXXXII: 'Have a Holly Jolly Christmas' - Burl Ives

Look sharp, America - we have ourselves a genuine Holiday celebrity to deal with this evening. . . 

Album Title:  Have a Holly Jolly Christmas

Album Artist:  Burl Ives

Burl.

What kind of a parent looks down at a newborn baby and says, "Yup, 100%.  This baby looks like a Burl."  That parent must've been three sheets to the wind that day - it's a good thing Burl wasn't born with fetal alcohol syndrome.

Snow Bro.

Anyway, the poorly-monikered Mr. Ives is as recognizable around the Holiday Season as Santa Claus and Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. . . more or less because all three of these guys were in the same movie together.  Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer - the stop-animation classic that came out in, like, the 1940s or something and has since become one of the most prolific Christmas movies in existence - features ol' buddy Burl as the voice of the film's narrator (a snowman who looks an Asian Wilford Brimley.)  Because of his role in the movie, and the fact that he sings a couple songs as well (which are on this album, actually), it's easy to slip right into this album and make yourself at home.

This is a really crappy graphics job. . .

The opening/title track of this album is the aforementioned one from Rudolph, and any person in Western Civilization could readily identify it.  This no-brainer of a Christmas jam has been covered many, many times, but no version I'm aware of holds a candle to the original.  It's not that Burl's necessarily a good singer (he's okay, I guess, but his voice is more novelty than talent), or that the song itself is awesome, it just oozes with nostalgia.  EVERYONE grew up with this song, so it's part of our shared Christmas experience.

If the entirety of Burl's album generated this type of emotional response, then we'd have a definitive Christmas classic on our hands (like Vince Guaraldi Trios' Charlie Brown Christmas, for example.)  Sadly, that's not the case with this particular album, because it loses its audience right away at the beginning of the second track.  

Burl, famous in the secular Christmas sphere, wanders over into the religious part of the Holiday season, singing about Jesus' birthday and what not.  To say this is jarring would be an understatement:  the churchy stuff is about as far removed from Santa, Christmas Trees, Rudolph, etc. as you can get, so when you have the guy that was literally a f***ing snowman suddenly singing about Jesus, it's like getting dosed with a bucket of ice water after stepping out of a sauna.  It's hard to separate Burl's voice singing about Jesus with the mental imagery of Wilford Brimley Snowman. . . and having a Wilford Brimley Snowman singing about Jesus would be. . . . well. . . just terrifying.

This slap on the face happens a few times on this album, but honestly that's my only gripe (even though I think it's a substantial one.)  If you like hokey 60s Christmas music, slathered up and down with Christmas nostalgia and invoking the memories of dozens of Christmases from yesteryear, then this album is for you.  Burl kills it on the children's songs ("Santa Claus is Coming to Town," the jams from Rudolph, etc.), as well as on the more secular songs - you can tell where his comfort zone is, for sure.

A folk singer by trade, Burl's unique voice - which you either like or despise - fits the song arrangements pretty well.  Not necessarily something you'd want to jam out to all the time, of course, but as was the case with quite a few albums I've reviewed in the past, this album fits a unique niche.  For those nights when you're perhaps looking through old photo albums of past Christmases by a fire, or writing out addresses on Christmas cards, or other such quiet, contemplative moments of the season, this is a sound choice.

VERDICT:  6/10 - Decent (I was going to give this a '7,' because overall it's pretty good, but aside from his upbeat, famous songs, all his other secular stuff is just decent. . . and his religious stuff is pretty weird.  I'm gonna keep this one, but can't say how often it's going to end up getting played every year.)

- SHELVED -

- Brian

Ep. LXXXI: 'The Sound of Christmas, Vol. 2' - Various Artists

Amidst the rapidly chilling weather, let us warm our hearts and souls with some Holiday blandness from yet another thrift store compilation. . . 

Album Title:  The Sound of Christmas, Vol. 2

Album Artist:  Various Artists

This acquisition was made last year when I bought a stack of used vinyl from my local Bethesda thrift store.  I actually haven't gotten around to purchasing any used Christmas vinyl this year, as I'm sitting on about a two-dozen that I still need to work through.  I paid 50 cents for this, and, as you're about to find out, I probably paid too much.

The album cover alone is a clear indicator that what you're about to put on your turntable is bonafide garbage.  The concept, I'm sure, was supposed to be two children experiencing the magic of Christmas by gazing upon a Christmas tree.  I can't decide if it's the lighting here, or the kids' clothes, or maybe the kids themselves, but something causes this concept to fall flat.  

The Unloveables

For me, when I look at this, I see a couple of young urchins in an orphanage gazing longingly at something they can never have for themselves - a genuine, family Christmas.  Perhaps all the cuter, more desirable orphans were already adopted into loving families, and now, in the bleak pit of their mutual despair, these two are drawn to a lonely, horribly-decorated Christmas tree set out in the orphanage common room.

No lights, just uglier-than-sin glass ornaments that look like they were hand-crafted by depressed and feeble-minded orphans who grew up in the system before being kicked out at the age of eighteen.

Maybe that's a stretch, and maybe I'm reading too much into a shitty album cover, but one thing's for damn sure:  this recording is just as depressing as the scenario as I just described.  This is yet another lackluster addition in a long line of releases from our Usual Suspects:  The Lettermen, Nancy Wilson, Glen Campbell, Peggy Lee, a couple different orchestras, and the infamous and terrifying Tennessee Ernie Ford.  

I'm not going to go too in depth with this analysis, because I feel like I've reviewed this album a dozen times before in one form or another After awhile a lot of these comps begin to sound the same:  overly-dramatic orchestral arrangements for songs that don't need it, boring medleys, spoken 'from our house to yours' messages, terrible song selections, tone-deaf singers, and, in this particular case, the terrifying bellowing of Tennessee Ernie Ford singing about - no joke here - Virgin breasts, guaranteed to shaken the resolve of even the hardiest of yuletide revelers.  

This is, once again, background music for the elderly, perhaps shopping in a department store in the late 60s/early 70s.  One of those stores that's closed on Sunday because having a store open on Sunday hurts Jesus' feelings, and where retail salesmen still get a commission on how many new vacuum cleaner models they can sell.  

Throughout this bleak, Holiday hellscape, the warbling of shitty Christmas music wafts across the stained tiled floors and carpeted walls and into the hearing aids of its patrons, who hum (out-of-tune) along with the Balrog-like crooning of Tennessee Ernie Ford.  

God does not live in this place.

VERDICT:  3/10 - Seriously? (Another turd from the Usual Suspects.  Not the worst compilation from these assholes I've heard in my years of rating Christmas Records - Nat King Cole's delivery on a track earns this compilation a point - but it's still not good enough to be called 'Boring.'  This is just terrible enough so that it can't manage to fade into the background.)

- SHELVED -

- Brian

Ep. LXXX: 'Christmas in Velvet' - Derric Johnson and Re'Generation

Hey Internet, who's feeling randy this evening? 

Album Title:  Christmas in Velvet

Album Artist:  Derric Johnson and Re'Generation

Just. . . just take a look at this album cover and tell me what your first thoughts are:

Now, maybe I'm way out in left field with this, but, to me, when I read something like Christmas in Velvet, my mind goes to horrible, horrible places.  Like, watching Showtime or Cinemax at 3am places.  The very word 'velvet' anymore only conjurs up one of two different images:  a.) 'luxury,' at least according to elderly people, or b.) tacky pornography.

Christmas in Velvet takes it one step further and decks out the album art in red - the same hue of red as a hooker's boots, or the stained-up carpeting in the back room of a peep show.  I guess 'blue' or 'green' velvet wouldn't have reached the level of 'Yule' the good folks at Impact Records, so they relied on the good ol' 'sex sells' angle.

(This was made in 7th Grade Woodshop.)

Nevermind that there's a Nativity scene on the front of the album, though.  A Nativity that looks like it was carved from a single chunk of wood by either a 3rd Century A.D. Celtic priest or a special-needs, alternative ed student.

Album artwork aside, this album is. . . well, just f***ing awful.

This offering is from Derric Johnson's vocal orchestra, cleverly (pfft) named - get this - Re'Generation.  What the hell does that hyphen in there every mean?  I teach History, not English, so my grammar is admittedly rusty, but I'm pretty sure this is just grammatical foolishness on display, here.

The back of the record references this Derric guy's family, and then there's a reference to his Re'Generation 'family.'  Soooo I'm not sure if all the folks that are singing on this album are members of his family (a la Partridge Family), or else they're just other singers and he affectionately refer to them as 'family.'  Honestly, I'm not sure which is worse:  having a family of human beings legitimately sound like this, or convincing others to willingly participate on an album that sounds like this.

This does not sound anything like a traditional choir.  For all the times over the years of analyzing Christmas vinyl where I've made fun of church-ish sounding choirs, or choirs of children singing, or whatever. . . I'm sorry.  I'm so sorry.

Because this is so much worse.

Re'Generation sounds like they booked gigs at Sea World in the late '70s, and also provided the ooooohs and aaaaahs for low-budget, '70s Sci-Fi movies.  I'm one or two of these folks could be considered 'singers,' but the way these assholes are all thrown together is just random.  Who in the actual f*** arranged this album?  Was this Derric?  

Just look at all these treasured favorites. . . .

90% of the time, this album does not sounds Christmas-y in the slightest:  had this album been sung in a foreign language, so I couldn't ascertain the lyrics, most of the time I wouldn't guess this was a Christmas album.  It's part World Music, part Brady Bunch singing, part contemplating-old-Irishman-staring-across-the-moors-thinking-about-his-struggles, two parts battling banshee sopranos, three parts bass vocalists trying to out-boom each other, and four parts community theater musical.  

Folks, this is so bad I kinda wish this would have been the soundtrack to a Nativity-themed, softcore Cinemax movie instead.  At least then the f***ing title would make sense. . .

VERDICT:  2/10 - Reality TV (Not even the subliminal promises of hooker sex, and the family affair collaboration of Re'Generation can save this straight-up dumpster-fire of a choir.  It gets one, lousy pity point for the shitty album artwork that gave me a chuckle when I picked it up in the thrift store.)

- SHELVED -

- Brian

Ep. LXXIX: 'The Brightest Stars of Christmas' - Various Artists

 Good God, here we go again. . . 

Album Title:  The Brightest Stars of Christmas

Album Artist:  Various Artists

Guys, I'm really conflicted about this one.  Head's all over the place.

Merry Christmas from the Donner Family

So, starting off with the album cover, we have some obvious 1960s watercolor painting of what, I assume, are seven shacks on the side of a wintry mountain, all buried in snow.  If this were a photograph of a real place, the inhabitants would slowly succumb to hypothermia and people wouldn't find their frozen corpses until Spring.  Who thought that this artwork would make a great album cover for a Holiday compilation? 

The good folks at J.C. Penney, that's who.  

(Remember J.C. Penney?  It was like Kohls, but shittier.)

Anyway, artwork aside, this is your usual roster of snooze-fest go-to's that we've seen pop up time and time again in this Christmas Record Odyssey of ours:  Ed Ames, Perry Como, Arthur Fiedler, Henry Mancini,, Robert Shaw Chorale, etc. etc.  Even before I dropped the needle on this one, I had a hunch that we'd be somewhere in the '3' or '4' neck of the woods.  The opening song on Side 1 wasn't anything to raise my hopes, either - an orchestral show-opener that's loud, overly-celebratory, and everything you'd come to expect from Eugene Ormandy.

Not like any of us know who the hell that guy even is.

Things slowly start to improve, however.  Elvis - the white-washed King of Rock and Roll - shows up with his famous 'Here Comes Santa Claus.'  If you like Elvis, you'll like this.  If you don't like him, you won't.  There's nothing surprising here with this song, it seriously sounds like every other upbeat Elvis song you've ever heard.  Ever.

Track 3 on Side 1, "Wonder Winterland" features a hillbilly banjo out of left field (by way of Tijuana.)  Steel guitars and a hard ride cymbal drive this Dixieland, brass-heavy rager into something that seriously had me come back into the Study from the kitchen and say out loud, "Are you frickin' kiddin' me?"  This track is awesome.

Following this, it segues right into Perry Como's "Home for the Holidays."  While I've never once said out loud "I love Perry Como" - because then I'd be a Comosexual - this is a Holiday staple, and one that currently sits on more than one of my Holiday playlists.

Sadly, this short run of 'not bad' patters out, and we're left with Christmas songs as lifeless as the frozen bodies left trapped on the side of the mountain in the picture above (thanks again, J.C. Penney.)  Harpsichords and a church choir - everyone's favorite combination - close out Side 1 in a yawnfest medley.  The same bizarre, overly-orchestral version of 'Jingle Bells' that Julie Andrews was forced to work with on our previous episode is featured as the opener of Side 2.  Ed Ames gets your grandmother's juices going, but certainly doesn't do it for anyone else.  Charley Pride's country number is as out of place on this compilation as a black singer would have been in 1970s country music.

. . . . hey, wait a sec.

Arthur Fiedler - the Fiedster - then makes a valiant attempt to bring Side Two back to life with his famous rendition of 'Sleigh Ride,' accompanied by the Boston Pops (like Perry Como's song on this release, a Holiday standard that's featured on one or two of my playlists), but it's just. . .  not enough.

VERDICT:  5/10 - Meh (Rising from the ashes of J.C. Penney's grandma slacks and tacky bed comforters comes this random compilation of Holiday usual-ness.  A hidden gem, a couple tried-and-trues, and a whole lotta boring.)

- SHELVED -

- Brian

Ep. LXXVIII: 'Firestone Presents Your Favorite Christmas Carols' - Julie Andrews

Another day, another random Christmas LP from the stacks of yesteryear. . . 

Album Title:  Firestone Presents - Your Favorite Christmas Carols

Album Artist:  Julie Andrews

So, just to be up front with everyone here, I don't have a damn thing to say against Julie Andrews.  She's Mary frickin' Poppins, and we're all gonna show that lady some respect around these parts.  

Now this bad boy I believe I got when my kid brother, Chris, decided he was too cool for vinyl anymore and dumped a crate of mostly-shitty LPs on me a couple years ago.  For whatever reason, he had this one in that crate, and so we're finally getting around to analyzing this latest offering from the good folks at Firestone Auto.

Four new tires aaaaaaaand some Andre Previn for ya, pal.

You know when you buy your Christmas music from the tire store, you're in for a real treat.

This album is yet another example of the mismatching of vocals with the sound of music (see what I did there???)  What Firestone has done here (and I know they probably had little to do with the organization and production of this album, but whatever) is take a very soft-voiced, English lady and paired her up with an orchestra that is either a.) too bombastic in volume, or b.) too distracting with weird instrument choices or sudden theme changes.

This album, overall, feels very bloated.  As if the producers of this album felt intimidated by Julie Andrews' very presence in the studio and felt it necessary to over-compensate for their insecurities by just assaulting the senses with a constant-barrage of sound or weird changes in tempo, volume, or theme.  Like hot damn, fellas - how hard is it for you to just lay down a simple, soft melody for Mary Poppins to sing over?  You have the talent in front of a mic, just act frickin' normal for 2 1/2 minutes, five or six times per side, and you're done.

'Jingle Bells' is not a symphony.  It does not require five theme changes, four movements, and an interlude.  Just play the damn song, guys.

Take 'Joy to the World' as another example.  Now that's a ridiculously difficult song to get wrong, folks - it's a yuletide banger, and it's one of those songs that when it comes on, you're like, 'Oh hell yes, I love this one.'  Even with this sure-fire title on the track list, this arranger still manages to bungle it.  Horns are too loud, timpani are thundering everywhere, and it just feels like they have every volume knob cranked up to 11.  The male chorus overpowering Ms. Andrews at every turn sounds like a regiment of drunken, Russian hussars  singing in a beer hall after slaughtering peasants on the steppes.

These are the assholes, folks.

Some of the slower songs - like 'O, Little Town of Bethlehem' or 'God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen'- feel as if they had initially been planned as twelve-minutes of orchestral arrangement but then were diced up on the editing floor because the arrangers realized they only had a frickin' paragraph and a half of lyrics to go with it.   There's random harpsichord solos - yes, harpsichords - interspersed among the sweeping string sections so the entire thing feels like a dated musical piece Disney produced for an after school educational program.  

You can't make this shit up, folks.

Poor Ms. Andrews is featured on, like, 20% of this album.  The other 80% percent is made up of instrumental arrangements that try way too damn hard to be bold, or overly-sentimental, or God knows what else.  

Umm. . . . no, it wasn't.

Now, on occasion, the music and Andrews do match up into something that could be considered a cohesive musical pairing.  It happens on a couple songs, scattered across both sides of this moldy Firestone offering.  

And when that does happen, dear readers, this is tolerable background music - stuff you could put on a 'Classic Christmas' playlist, filled with music from the '40s, '50s and '60s.  Obviously not something you'd listen to all the time, but still.  Tolerable.

VERDICT:  5/10 - Meh (A reputable singer is drowned out by overly-ambitious orchestral accompaniments.  Wacky antics - and harpsichords - ensue.)

- SHELVED -

- Brian

Ep. LXXVII: 'Christmas Around the World' - Svend Saaby Choir

 Well folks, it looks like we're about to get some multi-cultural Christmas spirit up in here this evening.  Hold on to your butts. . . 

Album Title:  Christmas Around the World

Album Artist:  Svend Saaby Choir

Okay, first things first:  you can't really call an album Christmas Around the World when the only nations you're pulling jams from is White People Countries.  If you're gonna call it anything, call it Christmas Around Europe (feat. USA.)  And don't give me that bullshit about "wElL tHoSe ArE tHe OnLy CoUnTrIeS tHaT cElEBrAtE cHrIsTmAs."  Most Latin American countries do, too.  So do Eastern European countries, for that matter.  And a shit-load of Asia.

For f***'s sake, people.

Secondofly, let's not give any false impression here concerning the 'Christmas' songs that are being pulled from around the world.  The album promises, one would think, songs that culturally summarize the nation they hail from.  For example, this 'Good King Wenceslas,' from England - that one makes sense, 100%.  It sounds rather English, I should think.

But what about the American song?  When you think 'America,' dear readers, what Christmas selections come to mind?  Are you thinking it might be something classic and rock n' roll at heart, like 'Run Rudolph Run,' by Chuck motherf***ing Berry?  Or some other fun Holiday jam that highlights everything that is America ("I Wanna Hippopotamus for Christmas," perhaps?)

Just look at these. . . . classics.

Nope.  The good ol' U.S. of A. instead brought to the table two lackluster pieces - 'O, Little Town of Bethlehem' and 'Rise Up, Shepherd.'  For Christ's sake, I haven't even heard of that latter one.

I neglected to put two and two together when purchasing this album (I think from Radio Wasteland, but who knows), but all it is a collection of boring church carols.  Some you've heard of, others you haven't.  Now, technically these are Christmas songs, fine. . . but there's nothing fun to be had, here.  I don't care what language the choir is singing in, it's still a boring church service, and there's nothing anyone can do about it.  There's a fun little Spanish song on Side 2, I guess, but it's like 45 seconds long. . . then you're right back to where you started.  Trying not to doze off in church.

What kinda irritates me with this compilation is that it's a cool concept that had lot of promise at one point, but instead ended up getting slathered in blandness.  Instead of selecting songs that highlight the culture of every country, they select songs that all sound the same (boring church arrangements) and then just have the choir  - oh, yes, it's the same choir for all the songs on this release - sing the songs in different languages.  The Svend Saaby Choir, ladies and gentlemen.  They're not even professional singers - just folks who like singin'.

Good grief.

I mean, how cool would it be to have, say, 'Run Rudolph Run' for the U.S. of A, 'Good King Wenceslas' by England, 'Feliz Navidad' by Mexico (I assume), then a bunch of random-ass jams that represent the Holidays in other countries from Nigeria to Japan?  I'd spend money on that, for sure.  I'm sure some of those tracks would be straight-up garbage, but it'd be a hell of an entertaining listen at least.

Not like this empty shell of a once-intriguing idea, all crammed up with your grandparents' favorite church music.

VERDICT:  3/10 - Seriously? (Behold - The Blands Across the World.  I was gonna give this a '4' for just being boring, but I'm slightly irritated with this release 'cause it was a pretty cool concept that they just frickin' botched all to hell.)

- SHELVED -

- Brian

Ep. LXXVI: ' A Christmas Gift for You' - Various Artists

Ladies and Gentledudes of the Internet, I present to you now the return of America's Greatest Yuletide Event:

The Great Christmas Record Odyssey.

So this is, truly, one of my favorite Holiday traditions.  I've been doing this since I first started collecting vinyl, back in 2005, but this is now the seventh year I've been documenting the whole thing on this here blog of ours (with a whopping seventy-five installments thus far.) 

Now, being the first installment in this year's season of vinyl reviewin', I'll once again direct your attention to the cherished rating scale we use around these parts:

10 - . . . And Out Come the Wolves (a symbol of perfection, and arguably one of the greatest albums made in the last twenty five years)

9 - Cowabunga! (if it makes you want to shout like a Ninja Turtle, you know it's good.)

8 - Awesome (worthy of repeated spins during the Holidays)

7 - Pretty Rad (generally, in order for an album of mine to stay in Holiday Season Rotation, it needs to be rated '7' and up.)

6 - Decent (once and awhile a '6' makes it into constant rotation, but only if it satisfies a previously-vacant Holiday music niche.  These albums almost always get 'Shelved':  I hold on to them - for the time being - but they lose turntable time for the duration of the Season.)

5 - Meh  (anything below this point is almost always put into my annual 'Donate to Goodwill' pile)

4 - Borophyll (there may be some redeeming qualities here that might make albums at this score appeal to some people, but definitely not Yours Truly.)

3 - Seriously? (comically bad, if you will.)

2 - Reality TV (there's only one thing shittier than Reality TV in my opinion, and that is. . .)

1 - Ohio (the Ninth Circle of Hell)

Good.  Now that everyone's been refreshed with how shit works around here, let's just go ahead and get started, shall we. . .

Album Title:  A Christmas Gift for You

Album Artist:  Various Artists

I picked this up last year after having it sit on an Amazon list for years and years.  I had heard mixed things about various pressings regarding this release, so I was definitely nervous about picking it up.  Ultimately, I said 'screw it' and pulled the trigger, figuring if the pressing was all that bad I could just go ahead and return it.

Well, fortunately there was no need - the pressing I got sounds just fine.  Should've picked this up years ago.

Anyway.

Folks, this classic collection of Holiday standards is well-known and considered by most to be one of the best Christmas albums in existence.  Four artists - Darlene Love, The Crystals, Bob B. Soxx and the Blue Jeans, and The Ronettes - all provide multiple tracks on this release.  Some of these are well-known staples now - Darlene Love's "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home" and "Marshmallow World," The Ronettes' "Sleigh Ride" and "Frosty the Snowman," etc. - this album is stacked with Holiday classics.

The biggest artist on this release, however, is one Phil Spector.  His legendary Wall of Sound is clearly the star attraction, and is on prominent display from start to finish:  each one of these tracks sounds off like a canon barrage, a wave of volume and balance that must have blown people's Holiday socks off when they first heard it.  From the way the drums are tuned to the layers-upon-layers of vocal tracks, these recordings are nearly impeccable.

If there's a downside to this album at all, it's that Spector was such a notorious control freak over his sound that each of these artists all sound the same - their voices, the sound of the backing band (The Wrecking Crew), the way individual instruments are mic'd, and the volume in which everything is balanced.  Everything is carbon-copied.  Because of this singularity in sound, there's no 'highs and lows' to be had on this album, no audio palette cleanse, so to speak.  

The best albums have moments of calm and moments of fury, loud and soft, fast and slow - it gives the head a chance to get its bearing and anticipate what's coming next.  What Spector has done here instead is just open up the floodgates and let his fury run rampant for two, full sides of Holiday Cheer (with the exception of his spoken 'From Our House to Yours' send-off at the end of Side 2.)  And while there isn't a weak track to be found on this album (aside from that last one on Side 2, but we don't really need to count that), the album can be exhausting if you're taking it all at once.  In other words, you could pull this album in its entirety and dump it into a Holiday playlist, along with other songs, and it would be phenomenal (that's what I've done, actually.)

So, say what you will about Phil Spector himself (because, as we all know, he F***ING MURDERED SOMEONE), the man definitely knew his way around a control board.  I don't care how controlling, manipulative, and dictator-like you are as a producer - if you can create works of art like this for people, you're clearly doing something right.  

Just perhaps don't bring firearms into the studio.  Santa Claus ain't down threatening people with violence, Phil.

VERDICT:  8/10 - Awesome (Phil Spector straight-up kills as a producer on this classic Holiday compilation. . .  juuuuust like he kills B-movie actresses.)

- REMAINS IN CIRCULATION -

- Brian