Ep. XXVII: 'Christmas Through the Years'

Happy Rogue One Day, everybody.

Album Title:  Christmas Through the Years

Album Artist:  Various Artists

Let me just start off by saying that I'm a sucker for box sets, folks.

They're a great way to round out different genres in your collection, and tend to be priced ridiculously lower, per capita, than single-LPs.  Plus, due to their harder cardboard boxes, the records are almost always in much better playing condition (usually NM.)  Lately I've been finding more and more boxed sets at the thrift store across the street from my work (for little to nothing), so my collection has grown considerably since the beginning of the school year.  This particular boxed set was among one of my more recent finds there, and for $2 I figured 5 records of Christmas music from the 1940s on was a pretty sweet deal.

These records, which are in great shape and cover nearly 50 years of recorded Christmas music, feature a wide range of famous Holiday staples.  You have your Bing, your Perry Como and your Glenn Miller, as well as your Brenda Lee and your Bobby Helms - all the usual Holiday fare that you hear on the radio.  With this in mind, I figured this would be one of those season-long collections I keep in rotation in between my more-preferred Christmas albums (those 9s and 10s albums I've already reviewed.)

Well, this collection probably isn't making the cut this year, folks, and I'll tell you why:  it's too jumbled and too random to enjoy.  While they do cover quite a bit of 'eras' in Christmas music history - and I'll give them a couple points for accomplishing that - they often times choose a bizarre selection of songs when other, more notable versions of the same songs exist.  It's like they didn't get the rights to certain Holiday favorites, so they just filled in the gaps with filler that's so terrible it's practically Public Domain.

Come to think of it, this is kind of like when one of my 8th grade students throws together a piece of shit history project the morning it's due.  I can't begin to describe to you how deeply I hate this.  They had three weeks to conduct research, cite their references, put together a well-rounded and visually appealing presentation (according to all of my guidelines and rubrics), and submit the project for a one-way ticket to Honor Roll-ville.  It's not complicated, folks.

Instead, they copy and paste a bunch of bullshit off Wikipedia without even the common decency of removing the hyperlinks first in order to cover their tracks.  Their pictures are pixelated and their font choice comically awful, and when prompted to explain what their project is about, they don't even pretend to act like they know what they're talking about.

This is what this particular album is like, America.  In music form.

VERDICT:  4/10 - Borophyll  (A couple points for the professional presentation and scope of the collection, and a few stand-out tracks. . . but overall these guys should've put more time and effort into this one.)

- SHELVED -

Ep. XXVI: 'Tijuana Christmas' - The Border Brass Band

 Feliz Navidad, muchachos (y muchachas.)

Album Title:  Tijuana Christmas

Album Artist:  The Border Brass Band

When I first stumbled across this gem in a thrift store, I nearly crapped my pants.  And that's something I haven't done in, like, twelve years.  Thereabouts.

Honestly, it's like this album was designed just for Yours Truly.  I mean, the cover itself looks like something Virgil Q's Dixieland Kazoo Revue would throw on their Christmas album (it's still in the works, fans.)  From the get-go, the hombre on the LP cover clearly catches one's eye, as it did mine when I was ruffling through stacks of Katie Smith, Mantovani, and Andy Williams.  Clearly this dude's getting into the spirit of Christmas.

Es muy bueno.

Badass cover art aside, this music collection is super badass, and I don't like to throw a multiplier like 'super' around readily, gang.  No, this really does earn the 'super':  instrumental arrangements of Holiday standards, given a Tijuana twist.  It sounds more or less exactly how I imagined it would.

This doesn't mean every track on here gets the mariachi treatment, mind you.  We've got some harpsichord interludes here and there in a few songs, as well as that spy-themed, swingin' '60s sound.  It might not sound like it'd blend well with the more Latin-ish, typical-Tijuana instrumentals (a la Herb Alpert, per se), but, if you think about it, an entire album of mariachi Christmas music might be a little too much.

Even for me.

This is the Christmas album they made for those movies where James Bond has to track down a Mexican arms dealer during the Holidays, and as he flies through the crowded streets of Tijuana in some sporty '60s coupe - with a hot-ass blonde sitting beside him in the passenger seat, exchanging machine gun fire with multiple banditos on motorcycles in hot pursuit, 007 learns the true meaning of Christmas.

. . .

Sounds like a pretty shitty movie, actually.  But at least we know now that it'd have a bitchin' soundtrack.

VERDICT:  9/10 - Cowabunga! (Aye dios mio! )

- REMAINS IN CIRCULATION -

Ep. XXV: 'Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer and Other Christmas Favorites' - Various Artists

 Happy Snow Day, Internet.

Album Title:  Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer and Other Christmas Favorites

Album Artist:  Various Artists

Harmless children's album, right?  Yeah, that's what I thought too.  When I picked it up at a local thrift store, I thought to myself, "Well hey, here we go:  a holiday album for the kiddos."  I mean, it's got two famous Christmas characters on the cover.  In cartoon-form, no less.

Well, as the saying goes, Don't judge an LP by its cover.

This album is f***ing scary.

"Hey Rudolph, wanna see a dead body?"

I'm serious.  I've heard a lot of crappy children's songs in my day, but the first track of Side B on this crap-fest may be the scariest thing I've listened to in some time.  Some random guy (I'm assuming a drifter) sings an occasional verse here or there, and I guess he's supposed to sound like Santa, but instead he sounds like a Balrog from Middle Earth, singing through a distortion pedal from the darkest bowels of the Black Cauldron.  It's horrifying.

And the singing children?  They're horrifying, too.  Creepy, sing-song shit that you'd expect to hear coming from the attic of some abandoned, run-down cottage deep in the woods.  Built on an Indian graveyard.

This album feels every bit like when Netflix releases a B-Movie that's title is so similar to a Hollywood blockbuster that it tricks people into watching it.  So, say you want to watch Pirates of the Caribbean, starring Johnny Depp, and when you search Netflix you find Pirates in the Caribbean, starring a handful of washed-up actors from early '90s shows like Melrose Place.  And as you start watching it - under the false pretense that it is the legit, Johnny Depp-version - you start thinking to yourself, "Wait a minute, this doesn't look right - I thought Disney made this film?  These special effects are garbage -this looks like a high schooler made this movie.  In China."

Then you realize you've been bamboozled, and that you've wasted twenty-six minutes of your life that you'll never get back.

That's what we have here, guys:  a collection of children's Christmas songs that are executed so terribly that you kick yourself for having wasted the time listening to it in the first place.  The instrumental arrangements aren't uniform (the volume rises and falls without reason, as if some chimps were in the control room turning knobs while their handler was off taking a piss), the song selection is considerably dated (I've never heard half of these songs before, and I fancy myself somewhat of a Christmas music aficionado), and the vocals are so scary that I want to hold my kids close and never let them go.

Merry Christmas, everybody!

VERDICT:  2/10 - Reality TV (A dark look into humanity's Holiday basement of horrors.  It gets a bonus point for featuring a clearly-belligerent Jimmy Durante trying to pick a fight with Santa Claus on 'Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.' )

- SHELVED -

Ep. XXIV: 'Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer' / 'Christmas with the Chipmunks'

 Time for a double-header of straight-up Christmas classics, gang. . .

Album Title:  Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer

Album Artist:  Burl Ives and Co.

Honestly, I don't know why I'm even wasting the time to review this.  You know what this sounds like already.

I went out of my to by this album off Amazon (seriously), because I felt that it was classic that needed a spot in my Holiday music section.  I think I snagged it for $16, thereabouts.  Anyway, you already know exactly what this sounds like, because everybody in America - since the '60s - knows exactly what this sounds like.  Hell, I'm sure even the Dagombas in my old village of Sankpala can quote Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer by heart these days.

That being said, I want to focus instead on my main gripe with this album; one that pulls it's ranking down a solid two points.  What we have here are duplicate versions of the same handful of songs: Side A features vocals on all arrangements, while Side B features just the music.  Vocals on one side, instrumentals on the other.  Take that for what it is, I guess, but for $16 I think more than eight or nine songs - and their duplicates - would have been nice.

Know what I mean, Vern?

Now, I will say this:  the instrumental versions are a cool bonus. While Side A (featuring vocals) is definitely kid-centric and nostalgic, it's not necessarily something you'd want to throw in all the time.  You definitely have to be in the mood to listen to a kid's Christmas record (say, when your kids are in the living room and you want to feel nostalgic.)  Children's albums are indeed crucial to any Holiday music collection, but you need other flavors in there as well.  Some orchestral choir arrangements for the religious carols, some jazzy instrumentals (done right), some classics crooned by the masters, some genre-specific albums (honky tonk, rock and roll, oldies) etc.  Variety's the spice of life, folks.

This album's B Side, with their instrumental versions from the holiday special, are a welcome change from the vocals, and will undoubtedly increase the frequency of this album's playing throughout the Holiday season.  I just wish this was a two-disc album, with one LP being vocals and one LP being instrumentals.

Oh well.

VERDICT:  8/10 - Awesome (A children's classic, chock-full of nostalgia, that lose a couple points from lack of songs)

- REMAINS IN CIRCULATION -

Album Title:   Christmas with the Chipmunks

Album Artist:  The Chipmunks (feat. David SeVille)

  

Like Burl Ives' 'Holly Jolly Christmas' or Jimmy Durante's 'Frosty the Snowman,'  the Chipmunks' 'Christmas Song (Christmas Don't Be Late)' is so well-known it has become a household staple across varying cultures and backgrounds.  Whether or not that's a particularly good thing, I'll leave it up to you to judge.  

Where the hell are the Chipmunks' real parents?  Did they die?

I mean, let's be honest, here:  singing chipmunks aren't for everyone.


I found this album for 99 cents at a thrift store somewhere downstate over the summer, and picked it up for the same reason I picked up the Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer soundtrack, Disney's Christmas All-Time Favorites, and Vince Guaraldi Trio's A Charlie Brown Christmas album:  its yuletide nostalgia, and reminds me of all the awesome Christmases from my youth.

Does that necessarily mean that this album still holds up for a dude pushing his late 30s?  

Meh.  

I mean, upon throwing this on the turntable and giving it a listen, some of the back-and-forth banter is amusing, but after awhile the adult in you can't help but start analyzing the vocals on this particular album.  

For a truly terrifying experience, crank this baby up to 45 RPM. . .

The magic of 'holy shit, there are actual singing chipmunks on this Christmas record' that my two young daughters experienced when I put this on the turntable this evening has long since faded away.  Instead, Adult Brian starts thinking about three weird-looking guys, standing around in some '60s-era recording booth, singing these ridiculous vocal tracks that would eventually be sped up to a ridiculous speed in order to get that signature 'chipmunk' sound.

I'm not gonna lie, guys:  it's a bit weird.  

The second you peek behind the curtain of The Chipmunks, they instantly lose all credibility and, consequently, listening to this album becomes a trial in patience.  You do nothing but wonder what these three singers sounded like in real life, what kind of a paycheck they got for singing these songs fifty-odd years ago, and how fast the tapes were sped up in order to get this 'chipmunk' sound.  

They got this on 8-Track?  Why don't I own this?!

Yes, while my two girls dance around the living room to these festive little rodents, Yours Truly just frowns at the back liner notes of this album, tearing up a little as the veil of Childhood Innocence falls away from his eyes.

Thanks a lot, Alvin.

Alvin?


ALVIN!!!

VERDICT:  6/10 - Decent  (A nostalgic Holiday album that sadly doesn't hold up as well as some of its brothers, but - despite its low score - will remain in circulation this season 'cause my kids love it.)

- REMAINS IN CIRCULATION -

Ep. XXIII: 'A Christmas Card' - The Statler Brothers

 Grab your bible, your whiskey and your fanciest of Christmas sweaters, folks:  it's time for a good ol' fashioned Yuletide Hootenanny. . .

Album Title:  A Christmas Card

Album Artist:  The Statler Brothers

I love old Country and Honky Tonk, guys.  I love the holy heck out of it.

Not really a genre I got into as a high-schooler, mind you, or even the majority of college, for that matter.  Rather, it was through playing old country songs as I taught myself guitar my senior year of college - and having a few good ol' boys as roommates who listened to nothing but country - that made me appreciate it.  Now, don't get me wrong, I despise nearly all country that's emerged since the mid-70s, but that old stuff?  The stuff my grandfathers listened to, that reeks of whiskey, Jesus, cowboys, and low-down, no-good women?  That's my jam, folks.

And the Statler Brothers fall into this category.

I was pretty stoked to find it at a thrift store for a mere 99 cents, I can tell you that much (though I own this album on CD already, so there were no shockers here.)  A lot of these songs are well-known standards, especially on country stations, and I'm sure you've heard most of them already.  There's no real weak tracks on this album to speak of, besides the obvious 'spoken word' crap that appears on so many country-ish Christmas albums from the '60s and '70s.  Those old country singers couldn't get enough of that 'from our house to yours' bullshit:

Seriously, guys. . .

Cheesy, Holiday well-wishing aside, if there's one thing holding this record down - and I'm nit-picking here, because I do like this album -  it's that the Statler Brothers never really 'let their hair down.'  When they sing, they sound exactly as they should:  like four old country western musicians singing.  Consequently, anything they sing automatically sounds sentimental, grizzled, and solemn.  I wouldn't say depressing, per se, but it's not really the sort of music that makes you want to spring out of bed in the morning and run a 5K or anything.

LOOK OUT, FELLAS - THERE'S A WOLF CHASIN' YA

(Not that there's any Christmas song - or any song, for that matter - in existence that could make me want to do that.)

Anyway, this is an all-around solid Holiday album if you like old timey Country Western music.  If you don't, skip this and don't look back.  I love the Statler Brothers, but they're definitely pigeon-holed into their genre.  This album works amazingly well if you find yourself thinking about years past on a long, December car ride through the country.

For hosting a lively Christmas party?  Probably not.

VERDICT:  8/10 - Awesome  (A solid old country western record that works well during those rare, quiet, contemplative moments that pop up throughout the Holiday season)

- REMAINS IN CIRCULATION -

Ep. XXII: 'What if Mozart Wrote 'Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas?' - The Hampton String Quartet

 Time again for some Holiday jam analysis. . .

Album Title:  What if Mozart Wrote 'Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas?'

Album Artist:  The Hampton String Quartet

I found this at a local Salvation Army over the summer (check out the 99-cent sticker on the front), and felt this would make an interesting addition to my Holiday music section.  After all, I'm a sucker for Classical music, and it's not something one usually hears in the Christmas genre.  I was intrigued.

And it was a frickin' buck.

So, upon finally giving it a listen, I realized that this ended up being one of those records that sounds exactly how you'd expect it to.  I know that's not the norm with this here Christmas Record Odyssey of mine, but that's what we have here:  it's a compilation of Christmas songs all arranged to sound like classical music.  That's it.

Take that for what it's worth, folks.  Does it work?  Sometimes.  I guess.

It's weird, seeing how big a fan I am of both genres, but, then again, we all remember rap rock, don't we. . .

Hey look - it's Wolverine from the X-Men

So what's the problem with this?  Well. . . I'm not really sure.  There's no single blaring problem with it, it just never finds its footing.  All the components of awesome are there, surely, it just doesn't drive it home.  I should point out that this isn't a full-orchestral album:  this is a string quartet, which is fine and all, but with a quartet you're never going to reach those staggering highs and crushing lows of a full symphonic ensemble.  No, this feels like you're walking through an upscale luxury hotel - or a bank - sometime in mid-December.  There's a lot of rich people in drab overcoats walking to and fro.  And there's probably a fountain.  And there's four dudes in suits playing their violins, cellos, what have you, off in a corner.

And you think to yourself, "Oh look - a string quartet.  That's nice."

And then you walk on through the lobby, without even acknowledging what song the quartet was playing in the first place.

VERDICT:   6/10 - Decent (I have nothing bad to say about this. . . but it doesn't feel like 'Christmas' to me, so despite its respectable score it loses its spot for Holiday circulation)

- SHELVED -

Ep. XXI: 'The Christmas Sound of Music' - Various Artists

 Time for another go-'round with some Holiday jammitude, kiddies.  Let's do this.

Album Title:  The Christmas Sound of Music

Album Artist:  Glenn Campbell, Ella Fitzgerald, Bobbie Gentry, The Lettermen, Sandler and Young.

I want to say, right from the get-go, that I have no f***ing idea where this record came from.  I really don't.

This had to have been in a bundle with other albums, either from a garage sale or else lifted from a grandparent in a giant cardboard box at some point.

These pictures really say it all, folks.

It's not like I went out to a hipster-ish record store, thumbed through some stacks of vinyl amidst stinky, bearded guys in their 30s wearing flannel and horn-rimmed glasses, only to stumble across this particular record and exclaim, "Glen, Ella, Bobbie, Sandler and Young- AND the Lettermen?  TAKE MY MONEY, HIPSTER RECORD STORE!!"

Yeah.  That definitely didn't happen (but can you imagine how disgusted those hipsters would have been if I had freaked out over this?)

Anyway, this record is. . . well, just terrible.  I mean it, it's terrible.  I don't even know where to start.  The background music itself is fine, I guess; I mean, if Bobby Darin or Andy Williams really revs your engine, you'll probably really love this compilation.  It's the easiest of listening I think in human existence:  quiet, no change in volume (all piano, no forte - this crap makes elevator music sound like death metal.)  In fact, this is arguably the least offensive thing I've heard in my entire life:  there's no possible controversy here.

Even the instruments feel as if they're constantly afraid that they'll be singled out and noticed, so they all play along in the background like sheepish children afraid to look their drunken, abusive stepfather in the eye.

There are some big names on here, I suppose, but none of them deliver anything worthy of note.  I mean, technically these are recognizable Christmas songs, but they're so dull and so sluggish that really this whole album comes across as forced.  As if the artists themselves recorded this in order to settle some lawsuit out of court.  Like, as if Glen Campbell accidentally hit the album producer's kid with his car when he chased a ball across the road, and instead of having to pay some exuberant settlement, the producer told Glenn Campbell he'd waive the suit if Glenn sang a few songs on a Christmas compilation he was putting together.

Then the producer threw his kid out in front of Ella Fitzgerald's car, then in front of Bobbie Gentry's, and so on and so forth.

If that kid's luck wasn't shitty enough after being hit with so many cars, he probably ended up getting a promotional copy of this album for his trouble, as he lay paralyzed in a hospital room unable to puncture his own eardrums.

I feel for this kid.

VERDICT:  2/10 - Reality TV  (The least offensive Christmas album ever recorded.  And that's not a good thing.)

- SHELVED -

Ep. XX: 'Something Festive' - Various Artists

 Merry Pre-Season, gang.  Let's get us some jammage analyzed. . .

Album Title:  Something Festive

Album Artist:  Various Artists

I think those of you out there who have been somewhat keeping up with this blog - specifically this Christmas Record Odyssey of mine - have caught on to the fact that Yours Truly enjoys his '60s music.  While not universally, at least frequently when it pertains to Christmas songs.  True, sometimes Christmas albums recorded in the '60s fall flat (you heard me, Johnny Mathis), but other times we find ourselves some true gems in the Holiday Music section of the Hough Family Record Collection.

This one, here, is. . . well, sort of in the middle.

This record, like others found in this year's run of Holiday music, was purchased on purpose from a local thrift shop for a mere 59 cents.  As such, my hopes weren't super high for this particular record, but given the cheesy cover art and some of the bands and songs on the track list, I was still anxious to give it a whirl on the 'ol Holiday turntable.

After listening to this album in its entirety, I'm satisfied with my spending less than a dollar on this.

Some of these songs, to be fair, are really good.  The instrumental Latin jams on here  (Herb Alpert, etc.) would definitely hold up all season long, as would Burt Bacharach's offerings:  why, I'd spend regular, non-thrift store money on a Christmas album if all it had were songs like these.  Those songs, on their own, would serve well as background music during a holiday cocktail party, with a bunch of older guys standing around in turtlenecks, perhaps eyeballing everyone else's wives while smoking cigars and not using coasters.

But, alas, those songs are not all that we have here.  We also have some really, really horrible songs on this album.

Most notably, there's a song called "Raggedy Ann & Raggedy Andy" that easily pulls this album down a a solid three points on my official one-to-ten scale, all by itself.  It's just brutal.  Nothing about it fits with the rest of the album:  there's nothing 'Latin,' 'jazzy,' or 'instrumental' about this song.  This not being an instrumental song is truly a shame, 'cause my main fault with this song is its vocal aspect.  What we appear to have here, upon listening to the song, is a drunken woman - the one and only Liza Minnelli, ladies and gentlemen - singing to a couple of shit-stained dolls in a dreary, long-neglected bedroom.

While that could be funny to watch - if not a little depressing, I suppose - it's not at all enjoyable to listen to.  It's so jarring I had a really hard time finishing it, and that's saying something.

Personally, if I want to hear Liza Minnelli make an ass of herself, I'll watch Arrested Development, thank you very much.

VERDICT:  5/10 - Meh  (The Good, the Bad, and the Minnelli:  it'd be a solid 7 if it were all Herb and Burt, but Liza and Co. drag it down into the Realm of Blegh.)

- SHELVED -

Ep. XIX: 'The Sounds of Christmas' - The Three Suns

 So it's that time of year again, gang:  Holiday Preseason.

The Houghs, as you know, kick off Holiday Preseason the weekend before Thanksgiving.  I'll spare you the explanation for this, because honestly I feel like every year I have to go into this at some point in the Holiday season.  Long story short, by this point in time, our outdoor Christmas lights have been hung up (but not turned on)), most our holiday shopping has been taken care of (thanks, Amazon), and we're finally to the point where we're pulling out totes of our Christmas decorations in order to Griswald the holy bejesus out of our house.

Yes, by the Sunday before Thanksgiving (also known as today), everything is set up for Christmas except our Christmas Tree (which we throw up the day after Thanksgiving.)

And all that is left, dear readers, is the ritualistic audio-scrutinization of my ever-expanding collection of Christmas Records.

Last year, I shared this quasi-OCD, holiday pastime of mine with all of you, and over the course of a month we, together, took a close look at about twenty or so LPs from my Christmas collection.  Alas, we ran out of time to review everything in my collection, and since then I've also purchased about a dozen more holiday-themed records, so our task is far from over.

So, with that being said, here we f***ing go again. . .

Album Title:  The Sounds of Christmas

Album Artist:  The Three Suns

I should point out, before I get into this too far, that I've spent the last four months frequenting a thrift store conveniently located right across the street from the school I work at.  Single or double LPs sell for 59 cents, and their boxed sets sell for $1.99, regardless of how many records are in that set.

Needless to say my collection has grown substantially since the beginning of the school year.

The reason I bring this up is because many of the albums I'll be reviewing this year come from this thrift store, and are easy to spot by the '.59' price sticker on the front of the album sleeve.  Such as this one:

When the needle first dropped on this one, nothing at all seemed out of the ordinary.  Your usual mid-60s, background instrumental:  quirky organs, sound levels all over the damn place.  Everything sounding more 'churchy' than it probably should.  Nothing awesome, but nothing noteworthy either, to be sure.

Then came the instrument switch-up.  Then another.  Then another.

Now, I don't mind it when random instruments come kicking in through the front door on a track; a great example of how to do it right is on the Rolling Stones' 'Rip This Joint,' when a sax solo comes out of the frickin' blue and feels like the second coming of Jesus.

Anyone ever see Wicker Man?

This?  Not so much.

What we have here sounds a lot like three dudes on amphetamines, locked in a large room with a shitload of instruments, along with one, unfortunate sober guy who's being paid to play certain Christmas songs and keep this disaster of a Christmas album chugging along.  While Sober Guy sighs and diligently plays his piano the other three guys scramble about the room, picking up instruments, plays them for a few measures, tossing them aside, and snatching up another one.  And repeat.

A harpsichord solo followed immediately by a xylophone solo, followed by a tuba solo, followed by an accordion solo?  It's a bit much.

Even for me.

VERDICT:  4/10 - Borophyll  (Make up your mind, fellas.)

- SHELVED -