Ep. XXI: 'The Christmas Sound of Music' - Various Artists

 Time for another go-'round with some Holiday jammitude, kiddies.  Let's do this.

Album Title:  The Christmas Sound of Music

Album Artist:  Glenn Campbell, Ella Fitzgerald, Bobbie Gentry, The Lettermen, Sandler and Young.

I want to say, right from the get-go, that I have no f***ing idea where this record came from.  I really don't.

This had to have been in a bundle with other albums, either from a garage sale or else lifted from a grandparent in a giant cardboard box at some point.

These pictures really say it all, folks.

It's not like I went out to a hipster-ish record store, thumbed through some stacks of vinyl amidst stinky, bearded guys in their 30s wearing flannel and horn-rimmed glasses, only to stumble across this particular record and exclaim, "Glen, Ella, Bobbie, Sandler and Young- AND the Lettermen?  TAKE MY MONEY, HIPSTER RECORD STORE!!"

Yeah.  That definitely didn't happen (but can you imagine how disgusted those hipsters would have been if I had freaked out over this?)

Anyway, this record is. . . well, just terrible.  I mean it, it's terrible.  I don't even know where to start.  The background music itself is fine, I guess; I mean, if Bobby Darin or Andy Williams really revs your engine, you'll probably really love this compilation.  It's the easiest of listening I think in human existence:  quiet, no change in volume (all piano, no forte - this crap makes elevator music sound like death metal.)  In fact, this is arguably the least offensive thing I've heard in my entire life:  there's no possible controversy here.

Even the instruments feel as if they're constantly afraid that they'll be singled out and noticed, so they all play along in the background like sheepish children afraid to look their drunken, abusive stepfather in the eye.

There are some big names on here, I suppose, but none of them deliver anything worthy of note.  I mean, technically these are recognizable Christmas songs, but they're so dull and so sluggish that really this whole album comes across as forced.  As if the artists themselves recorded this in order to settle some lawsuit out of court.  Like, as if Glen Campbell accidentally hit the album producer's kid with his car when he chased a ball across the road, and instead of having to pay some exuberant settlement, the producer told Glenn Campbell he'd waive the suit if Glenn sang a few songs on a Christmas compilation he was putting together.

Then the producer threw his kid out in front of Ella Fitzgerald's car, then in front of Bobbie Gentry's, and so on and so forth.

If that kid's luck wasn't shitty enough after being hit with so many cars, he probably ended up getting a promotional copy of this album for his trouble, as he lay paralyzed in a hospital room unable to puncture his own eardrums.

I feel for this kid.

VERDICT:  2/10 - Reality TV  (The least offensive Christmas album ever recorded.  And that's not a good thing.)

- SHELVED -