Ep. XXVII: 'Christmas Through the Years'

Happy Rogue One Day, everybody.

Album Title:  Christmas Through the Years

Album Artist:  Various Artists

Let me just start off by saying that I'm a sucker for box sets, folks.

They're a great way to round out different genres in your collection, and tend to be priced ridiculously lower, per capita, than single-LPs.  Plus, due to their harder cardboard boxes, the records are almost always in much better playing condition (usually NM.)  Lately I've been finding more and more boxed sets at the thrift store across the street from my work (for little to nothing), so my collection has grown considerably since the beginning of the school year.  This particular boxed set was among one of my more recent finds there, and for $2 I figured 5 records of Christmas music from the 1940s on was a pretty sweet deal.

These records, which are in great shape and cover nearly 50 years of recorded Christmas music, feature a wide range of famous Holiday staples.  You have your Bing, your Perry Como and your Glenn Miller, as well as your Brenda Lee and your Bobby Helms - all the usual Holiday fare that you hear on the radio.  With this in mind, I figured this would be one of those season-long collections I keep in rotation in between my more-preferred Christmas albums (those 9s and 10s albums I've already reviewed.)

Well, this collection probably isn't making the cut this year, folks, and I'll tell you why:  it's too jumbled and too random to enjoy.  While they do cover quite a bit of 'eras' in Christmas music history - and I'll give them a couple points for accomplishing that - they often times choose a bizarre selection of songs when other, more notable versions of the same songs exist.  It's like they didn't get the rights to certain Holiday favorites, so they just filled in the gaps with filler that's so terrible it's practically Public Domain.

Come to think of it, this is kind of like when one of my 8th grade students throws together a piece of shit history project the morning it's due.  I can't begin to describe to you how deeply I hate this.  They had three weeks to conduct research, cite their references, put together a well-rounded and visually appealing presentation (according to all of my guidelines and rubrics), and submit the project for a one-way ticket to Honor Roll-ville.  It's not complicated, folks.

Instead, they copy and paste a bunch of bullshit off Wikipedia without even the common decency of removing the hyperlinks first in order to cover their tracks.  Their pictures are pixelated and their font choice comically awful, and when prompted to explain what their project is about, they don't even pretend to act like they know what they're talking about.

This is what this particular album is like, America.  In music form.

VERDICT:  4/10 - Borophyll  (A couple points for the professional presentation and scope of the collection, and a few stand-out tracks. . . but overall these guys should've put more time and effort into this one.)

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Ep. XXVI: 'Tijuana Christmas' - The Border Brass Band

 Feliz Navidad, muchachos (y muchachas.)

Album Title:  Tijuana Christmas

Album Artist:  The Border Brass Band

When I first stumbled across this gem in a thrift store, I nearly crapped my pants.  And that's something I haven't done in, like, twelve years.  Thereabouts.

Honestly, it's like this album was designed just for Yours Truly.  I mean, the cover itself looks like something Virgil Q's Dixieland Kazoo Revue would throw on their Christmas album (it's still in the works, fans.)  From the get-go, the hombre on the LP cover clearly catches one's eye, as it did mine when I was ruffling through stacks of Katie Smith, Mantovani, and Andy Williams.  Clearly this dude's getting into the spirit of Christmas.

Es muy bueno.

Badass cover art aside, this music collection is super badass, and I don't like to throw a multiplier like 'super' around readily, gang.  No, this really does earn the 'super':  instrumental arrangements of Holiday standards, given a Tijuana twist.  It sounds more or less exactly how I imagined it would.

This doesn't mean every track on here gets the mariachi treatment, mind you.  We've got some harpsichord interludes here and there in a few songs, as well as that spy-themed, swingin' '60s sound.  It might not sound like it'd blend well with the more Latin-ish, typical-Tijuana instrumentals (a la Herb Alpert, per se), but, if you think about it, an entire album of mariachi Christmas music might be a little too much.

Even for me.

This is the Christmas album they made for those movies where James Bond has to track down a Mexican arms dealer during the Holidays, and as he flies through the crowded streets of Tijuana in some sporty '60s coupe - with a hot-ass blonde sitting beside him in the passenger seat, exchanging machine gun fire with multiple banditos on motorcycles in hot pursuit, 007 learns the true meaning of Christmas.

. . .

Sounds like a pretty shitty movie, actually.  But at least we know now that it'd have a bitchin' soundtrack.

VERDICT:  9/10 - Cowabunga! (Aye dios mio! )

- REMAINS IN CIRCULATION -

Ep. XXV: 'Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer and Other Christmas Favorites' - Various Artists

 Happy Snow Day, Internet.

Album Title:  Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer and Other Christmas Favorites

Album Artist:  Various Artists

Harmless children's album, right?  Yeah, that's what I thought too.  When I picked it up at a local thrift store, I thought to myself, "Well hey, here we go:  a holiday album for the kiddos."  I mean, it's got two famous Christmas characters on the cover.  In cartoon-form, no less.

Well, as the saying goes, Don't judge an LP by its cover.

This album is f***ing scary.

"Hey Rudolph, wanna see a dead body?"

I'm serious.  I've heard a lot of crappy children's songs in my day, but the first track of Side B on this crap-fest may be the scariest thing I've listened to in some time.  Some random guy (I'm assuming a drifter) sings an occasional verse here or there, and I guess he's supposed to sound like Santa, but instead he sounds like a Balrog from Middle Earth, singing through a distortion pedal from the darkest bowels of the Black Cauldron.  It's horrifying.

And the singing children?  They're horrifying, too.  Creepy, sing-song shit that you'd expect to hear coming from the attic of some abandoned, run-down cottage deep in the woods.  Built on an Indian graveyard.

This album feels every bit like when Netflix releases a B-Movie that's title is so similar to a Hollywood blockbuster that it tricks people into watching it.  So, say you want to watch Pirates of the Caribbean, starring Johnny Depp, and when you search Netflix you find Pirates in the Caribbean, starring a handful of washed-up actors from early '90s shows like Melrose Place.  And as you start watching it - under the false pretense that it is the legit, Johnny Depp-version - you start thinking to yourself, "Wait a minute, this doesn't look right - I thought Disney made this film?  These special effects are garbage -this looks like a high schooler made this movie.  In China."

Then you realize you've been bamboozled, and that you've wasted twenty-six minutes of your life that you'll never get back.

That's what we have here, guys:  a collection of children's Christmas songs that are executed so terribly that you kick yourself for having wasted the time listening to it in the first place.  The instrumental arrangements aren't uniform (the volume rises and falls without reason, as if some chimps were in the control room turning knobs while their handler was off taking a piss), the song selection is considerably dated (I've never heard half of these songs before, and I fancy myself somewhat of a Christmas music aficionado), and the vocals are so scary that I want to hold my kids close and never let them go.

Merry Christmas, everybody!

VERDICT:  2/10 - Reality TV (A dark look into humanity's Holiday basement of horrors.  It gets a bonus point for featuring a clearly-belligerent Jimmy Durante trying to pick a fight with Santa Claus on 'Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.' )

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Ep. XXIV: 'Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer' / 'Christmas with the Chipmunks'

 Time for a double-header of straight-up Christmas classics, gang. . .

Album Title:  Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer

Album Artist:  Burl Ives and Co.

Honestly, I don't know why I'm even wasting the time to review this.  You know what this sounds like already.

I went out of my to by this album off Amazon (seriously), because I felt that it was classic that needed a spot in my Holiday music section.  I think I snagged it for $16, thereabouts.  Anyway, you already know exactly what this sounds like, because everybody in America - since the '60s - knows exactly what this sounds like.  Hell, I'm sure even the Dagombas in my old village of Sankpala can quote Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer by heart these days.

That being said, I want to focus instead on my main gripe with this album; one that pulls it's ranking down a solid two points.  What we have here are duplicate versions of the same handful of songs: Side A features vocals on all arrangements, while Side B features just the music.  Vocals on one side, instrumentals on the other.  Take that for what it is, I guess, but for $16 I think more than eight or nine songs - and their duplicates - would have been nice.

Know what I mean, Vern?

Now, I will say this:  the instrumental versions are a cool bonus. While Side A (featuring vocals) is definitely kid-centric and nostalgic, it's not necessarily something you'd want to throw in all the time.  You definitely have to be in the mood to listen to a kid's Christmas record (say, when your kids are in the living room and you want to feel nostalgic.)  Children's albums are indeed crucial to any Holiday music collection, but you need other flavors in there as well.  Some orchestral choir arrangements for the religious carols, some jazzy instrumentals (done right), some classics crooned by the masters, some genre-specific albums (honky tonk, rock and roll, oldies) etc.  Variety's the spice of life, folks.

This album's B Side, with their instrumental versions from the holiday special, are a welcome change from the vocals, and will undoubtedly increase the frequency of this album's playing throughout the Holiday season.  I just wish this was a two-disc album, with one LP being vocals and one LP being instrumentals.

Oh well.

VERDICT:  8/10 - Awesome (A children's classic, chock-full of nostalgia, that lose a couple points from lack of songs)

- REMAINS IN CIRCULATION -

Album Title:   Christmas with the Chipmunks

Album Artist:  The Chipmunks (feat. David SeVille)

  

Like Burl Ives' 'Holly Jolly Christmas' or Jimmy Durante's 'Frosty the Snowman,'  the Chipmunks' 'Christmas Song (Christmas Don't Be Late)' is so well-known it has become a household staple across varying cultures and backgrounds.  Whether or not that's a particularly good thing, I'll leave it up to you to judge.  

Where the hell are the Chipmunks' real parents?  Did they die?

I mean, let's be honest, here:  singing chipmunks aren't for everyone.


I found this album for 99 cents at a thrift store somewhere downstate over the summer, and picked it up for the same reason I picked up the Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer soundtrack, Disney's Christmas All-Time Favorites, and Vince Guaraldi Trio's A Charlie Brown Christmas album:  its yuletide nostalgia, and reminds me of all the awesome Christmases from my youth.

Does that necessarily mean that this album still holds up for a dude pushing his late 30s?  

Meh.  

I mean, upon throwing this on the turntable and giving it a listen, some of the back-and-forth banter is amusing, but after awhile the adult in you can't help but start analyzing the vocals on this particular album.  

For a truly terrifying experience, crank this baby up to 45 RPM. . .

The magic of 'holy shit, there are actual singing chipmunks on this Christmas record' that my two young daughters experienced when I put this on the turntable this evening has long since faded away.  Instead, Adult Brian starts thinking about three weird-looking guys, standing around in some '60s-era recording booth, singing these ridiculous vocal tracks that would eventually be sped up to a ridiculous speed in order to get that signature 'chipmunk' sound.

I'm not gonna lie, guys:  it's a bit weird.  

The second you peek behind the curtain of The Chipmunks, they instantly lose all credibility and, consequently, listening to this album becomes a trial in patience.  You do nothing but wonder what these three singers sounded like in real life, what kind of a paycheck they got for singing these songs fifty-odd years ago, and how fast the tapes were sped up in order to get this 'chipmunk' sound.  

They got this on 8-Track?  Why don't I own this?!

Yes, while my two girls dance around the living room to these festive little rodents, Yours Truly just frowns at the back liner notes of this album, tearing up a little as the veil of Childhood Innocence falls away from his eyes.

Thanks a lot, Alvin.

Alvin?


ALVIN!!!

VERDICT:  6/10 - Decent  (A nostalgic Holiday album that sadly doesn't hold up as well as some of its brothers, but - despite its low score - will remain in circulation this season 'cause my kids love it.)

- REMAINS IN CIRCULATION -

Ep. XXIII: 'A Christmas Card' - The Statler Brothers

 Grab your bible, your whiskey and your fanciest of Christmas sweaters, folks:  it's time for a good ol' fashioned Yuletide Hootenanny. . .

Album Title:  A Christmas Card

Album Artist:  The Statler Brothers

I love old Country and Honky Tonk, guys.  I love the holy heck out of it.

Not really a genre I got into as a high-schooler, mind you, or even the majority of college, for that matter.  Rather, it was through playing old country songs as I taught myself guitar my senior year of college - and having a few good ol' boys as roommates who listened to nothing but country - that made me appreciate it.  Now, don't get me wrong, I despise nearly all country that's emerged since the mid-70s, but that old stuff?  The stuff my grandfathers listened to, that reeks of whiskey, Jesus, cowboys, and low-down, no-good women?  That's my jam, folks.

And the Statler Brothers fall into this category.

I was pretty stoked to find it at a thrift store for a mere 99 cents, I can tell you that much (though I own this album on CD already, so there were no shockers here.)  A lot of these songs are well-known standards, especially on country stations, and I'm sure you've heard most of them already.  There's no real weak tracks on this album to speak of, besides the obvious 'spoken word' crap that appears on so many country-ish Christmas albums from the '60s and '70s.  Those old country singers couldn't get enough of that 'from our house to yours' bullshit:

Seriously, guys. . .

Cheesy, Holiday well-wishing aside, if there's one thing holding this record down - and I'm nit-picking here, because I do like this album -  it's that the Statler Brothers never really 'let their hair down.'  When they sing, they sound exactly as they should:  like four old country western musicians singing.  Consequently, anything they sing automatically sounds sentimental, grizzled, and solemn.  I wouldn't say depressing, per se, but it's not really the sort of music that makes you want to spring out of bed in the morning and run a 5K or anything.

LOOK OUT, FELLAS - THERE'S A WOLF CHASIN' YA

(Not that there's any Christmas song - or any song, for that matter - in existence that could make me want to do that.)

Anyway, this is an all-around solid Holiday album if you like old timey Country Western music.  If you don't, skip this and don't look back.  I love the Statler Brothers, but they're definitely pigeon-holed into their genre.  This album works amazingly well if you find yourself thinking about years past on a long, December car ride through the country.

For hosting a lively Christmas party?  Probably not.

VERDICT:  8/10 - Awesome  (A solid old country western record that works well during those rare, quiet, contemplative moments that pop up throughout the Holiday season)

- REMAINS IN CIRCULATION -

Ep. XXII: 'What if Mozart Wrote 'Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas?' - The Hampton String Quartet

 Time again for some Holiday jam analysis. . .

Album Title:  What if Mozart Wrote 'Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas?'

Album Artist:  The Hampton String Quartet

I found this at a local Salvation Army over the summer (check out the 99-cent sticker on the front), and felt this would make an interesting addition to my Holiday music section.  After all, I'm a sucker for Classical music, and it's not something one usually hears in the Christmas genre.  I was intrigued.

And it was a frickin' buck.

So, upon finally giving it a listen, I realized that this ended up being one of those records that sounds exactly how you'd expect it to.  I know that's not the norm with this here Christmas Record Odyssey of mine, but that's what we have here:  it's a compilation of Christmas songs all arranged to sound like classical music.  That's it.

Take that for what it's worth, folks.  Does it work?  Sometimes.  I guess.

It's weird, seeing how big a fan I am of both genres, but, then again, we all remember rap rock, don't we. . .

Hey look - it's Wolverine from the X-Men

So what's the problem with this?  Well. . . I'm not really sure.  There's no single blaring problem with it, it just never finds its footing.  All the components of awesome are there, surely, it just doesn't drive it home.  I should point out that this isn't a full-orchestral album:  this is a string quartet, which is fine and all, but with a quartet you're never going to reach those staggering highs and crushing lows of a full symphonic ensemble.  No, this feels like you're walking through an upscale luxury hotel - or a bank - sometime in mid-December.  There's a lot of rich people in drab overcoats walking to and fro.  And there's probably a fountain.  And there's four dudes in suits playing their violins, cellos, what have you, off in a corner.

And you think to yourself, "Oh look - a string quartet.  That's nice."

And then you walk on through the lobby, without even acknowledging what song the quartet was playing in the first place.

VERDICT:   6/10 - Decent (I have nothing bad to say about this. . . but it doesn't feel like 'Christmas' to me, so despite its respectable score it loses its spot for Holiday circulation)

- SHELVED -