Ep. XXI: 'The Christmas Sound of Music' - Various Artists

 Time for another go-'round with some Holiday jammitude, kiddies.  Let's do this.

Album Title:  The Christmas Sound of Music

Album Artist:  Glenn Campbell, Ella Fitzgerald, Bobbie Gentry, The Lettermen, Sandler and Young.

I want to say, right from the get-go, that I have no f***ing idea where this record came from.  I really don't.

This had to have been in a bundle with other albums, either from a garage sale or else lifted from a grandparent in a giant cardboard box at some point.

These pictures really say it all, folks.

It's not like I went out to a hipster-ish record store, thumbed through some stacks of vinyl amidst stinky, bearded guys in their 30s wearing flannel and horn-rimmed glasses, only to stumble across this particular record and exclaim, "Glen, Ella, Bobbie, Sandler and Young- AND the Lettermen?  TAKE MY MONEY, HIPSTER RECORD STORE!!"

Yeah.  That definitely didn't happen (but can you imagine how disgusted those hipsters would have been if I had freaked out over this?)

Anyway, this record is. . . well, just terrible.  I mean it, it's terrible.  I don't even know where to start.  The background music itself is fine, I guess; I mean, if Bobby Darin or Andy Williams really revs your engine, you'll probably really love this compilation.  It's the easiest of listening I think in human existence:  quiet, no change in volume (all piano, no forte - this crap makes elevator music sound like death metal.)  In fact, this is arguably the least offensive thing I've heard in my entire life:  there's no possible controversy here.

Even the instruments feel as if they're constantly afraid that they'll be singled out and noticed, so they all play along in the background like sheepish children afraid to look their drunken, abusive stepfather in the eye.

There are some big names on here, I suppose, but none of them deliver anything worthy of note.  I mean, technically these are recognizable Christmas songs, but they're so dull and so sluggish that really this whole album comes across as forced.  As if the artists themselves recorded this in order to settle some lawsuit out of court.  Like, as if Glen Campbell accidentally hit the album producer's kid with his car when he chased a ball across the road, and instead of having to pay some exuberant settlement, the producer told Glenn Campbell he'd waive the suit if Glenn sang a few songs on a Christmas compilation he was putting together.

Then the producer threw his kid out in front of Ella Fitzgerald's car, then in front of Bobbie Gentry's, and so on and so forth.

If that kid's luck wasn't shitty enough after being hit with so many cars, he probably ended up getting a promotional copy of this album for his trouble, as he lay paralyzed in a hospital room unable to puncture his own eardrums.

I feel for this kid.

VERDICT:  2/10 - Reality TV  (The least offensive Christmas album ever recorded.  And that's not a good thing.)

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Ep. XX: 'Something Festive' - Various Artists

 Merry Pre-Season, gang.  Let's get us some jammage analyzed. . .

Album Title:  Something Festive

Album Artist:  Various Artists

I think those of you out there who have been somewhat keeping up with this blog - specifically this Christmas Record Odyssey of mine - have caught on to the fact that Yours Truly enjoys his '60s music.  While not universally, at least frequently when it pertains to Christmas songs.  True, sometimes Christmas albums recorded in the '60s fall flat (you heard me, Johnny Mathis), but other times we find ourselves some true gems in the Holiday Music section of the Hough Family Record Collection.

This one, here, is. . . well, sort of in the middle.

This record, like others found in this year's run of Holiday music, was purchased on purpose from a local thrift shop for a mere 59 cents.  As such, my hopes weren't super high for this particular record, but given the cheesy cover art and some of the bands and songs on the track list, I was still anxious to give it a whirl on the 'ol Holiday turntable.

After listening to this album in its entirety, I'm satisfied with my spending less than a dollar on this.

Some of these songs, to be fair, are really good.  The instrumental Latin jams on here  (Herb Alpert, etc.) would definitely hold up all season long, as would Burt Bacharach's offerings:  why, I'd spend regular, non-thrift store money on a Christmas album if all it had were songs like these.  Those songs, on their own, would serve well as background music during a holiday cocktail party, with a bunch of older guys standing around in turtlenecks, perhaps eyeballing everyone else's wives while smoking cigars and not using coasters.

But, alas, those songs are not all that we have here.  We also have some really, really horrible songs on this album.

Most notably, there's a song called "Raggedy Ann & Raggedy Andy" that easily pulls this album down a a solid three points on my official one-to-ten scale, all by itself.  It's just brutal.  Nothing about it fits with the rest of the album:  there's nothing 'Latin,' 'jazzy,' or 'instrumental' about this song.  This not being an instrumental song is truly a shame, 'cause my main fault with this song is its vocal aspect.  What we appear to have here, upon listening to the song, is a drunken woman - the one and only Liza Minnelli, ladies and gentlemen - singing to a couple of shit-stained dolls in a dreary, long-neglected bedroom.

While that could be funny to watch - if not a little depressing, I suppose - it's not at all enjoyable to listen to.  It's so jarring I had a really hard time finishing it, and that's saying something.

Personally, if I want to hear Liza Minnelli make an ass of herself, I'll watch Arrested Development, thank you very much.

VERDICT:  5/10 - Meh  (The Good, the Bad, and the Minnelli:  it'd be a solid 7 if it were all Herb and Burt, but Liza and Co. drag it down into the Realm of Blegh.)

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Ep. XIX: 'The Sounds of Christmas' - The Three Suns

 So it's that time of year again, gang:  Holiday Preseason.

The Houghs, as you know, kick off Holiday Preseason the weekend before Thanksgiving.  I'll spare you the explanation for this, because honestly I feel like every year I have to go into this at some point in the Holiday season.  Long story short, by this point in time, our outdoor Christmas lights have been hung up (but not turned on)), most our holiday shopping has been taken care of (thanks, Amazon), and we're finally to the point where we're pulling out totes of our Christmas decorations in order to Griswald the holy bejesus out of our house.

Yes, by the Sunday before Thanksgiving (also known as today), everything is set up for Christmas except our Christmas Tree (which we throw up the day after Thanksgiving.)

And all that is left, dear readers, is the ritualistic audio-scrutinization of my ever-expanding collection of Christmas Records.

Last year, I shared this quasi-OCD, holiday pastime of mine with all of you, and over the course of a month we, together, took a close look at about twenty or so LPs from my Christmas collection.  Alas, we ran out of time to review everything in my collection, and since then I've also purchased about a dozen more holiday-themed records, so our task is far from over.

So, with that being said, here we f***ing go again. . .

Album Title:  The Sounds of Christmas

Album Artist:  The Three Suns

I should point out, before I get into this too far, that I've spent the last four months frequenting a thrift store conveniently located right across the street from the school I work at.  Single or double LPs sell for 59 cents, and their boxed sets sell for $1.99, regardless of how many records are in that set.

Needless to say my collection has grown substantially since the beginning of the school year.

The reason I bring this up is because many of the albums I'll be reviewing this year come from this thrift store, and are easy to spot by the '.59' price sticker on the front of the album sleeve.  Such as this one:

When the needle first dropped on this one, nothing at all seemed out of the ordinary.  Your usual mid-60s, background instrumental:  quirky organs, sound levels all over the damn place.  Everything sounding more 'churchy' than it probably should.  Nothing awesome, but nothing noteworthy either, to be sure.

Then came the instrument switch-up.  Then another.  Then another.

Now, I don't mind it when random instruments come kicking in through the front door on a track; a great example of how to do it right is on the Rolling Stones' 'Rip This Joint,' when a sax solo comes out of the frickin' blue and feels like the second coming of Jesus.

Anyone ever see Wicker Man?

This?  Not so much.

What we have here sounds a lot like three dudes on amphetamines, locked in a large room with a shitload of instruments, along with one, unfortunate sober guy who's being paid to play certain Christmas songs and keep this disaster of a Christmas album chugging along.  While Sober Guy sighs and diligently plays his piano the other three guys scramble about the room, picking up instruments, plays them for a few measures, tossing them aside, and snatching up another one.  And repeat.

A harpsichord solo followed immediately by a xylophone solo, followed by a tuba solo, followed by an accordion solo?  It's a bit much.

Even for me.

VERDICT:  4/10 - Borophyll  (Make up your mind, fellas.)

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