Ep. LIII: 'Polka Christmas in my Home Town' - Jimmy Sturr

Prepare yourselves for some holly, jolly Aryan Christmas fun. . .

Album Title:  "Polka Christmas" In My Home Town

Album Artist:  Jimmy Sturr and His Orchestra

Soooo many questions with this one.

Hey kids, wanna popsicle?

Why was the 20th Century - specifically the '60s and '70s - so lackadaisical in throwing around the term 'orchestra'?  You can't just call any random assortment of musicians an 'orchestra,' Jimmy Sturr.  Where's the string section?  Or the woodwinds?  How about a few timpani, have any of those?  No?  Well, then I don't think you have yourself an orchestra, sir.

What we have here is, at best, a 'bunch of guys playing beer tent instruments.'  Horns, some drums, a bass, and - 'cause there's no f***ing way you're escaping 'em on a frickin' polka album - accordions.  Lots and lots of accordions.  At best, it's a 'Revue.'

Anyway.

This album sounds like a family trip to Bronner's in Frankenmuth back in the '60s.  Dated Holiday arrangements - nothing out of the ordinary for this Holiday record collector - corny choruses, etc.  It's upbeat, it's festive, and it's German. . . and not in a scary, Third Reich sorta way.  No, this is fun German, if such a thing even exists.

Well, maybe not German.  I don't know what frickin' language this is. . .

All Jimmy's missing here is the Egg Nog.

I've reviewed a lot of albums over the years that give off a vibe of elderly-in-turtlenecks, drinking egg-nog and sitting around their shag-carpeted living rooms lined in wood paneling, listening to albums like this they picked up at a Sears or something, and admiring a lead-laden, tinsel-slathered Christmas tree.  This one is definitely sounds similar, for sure, but it throws in an upbeat march - with a heavy, 'oom-PHLAT, oom-PHLAT' back-beat and a poppy horn section that screams ''stop-motion, 60s Children's Holiday TV Special."

This albums is all over the damn place, but somehow. . . it isn't terrible.

Seriously.  I'm just as surprised as you are.

I don't know, maybe it's the conjured-up imagery of happy Germans swinging around beers and sausages during a Christmas feast, maybe it's fond recollections of going to Bronners as a child when it wasn't packed shoulder-to-shoulder with assholes, maybe it's just the absurdity of a polka Christmas album.  Who knows.  But this album isn't horrible.

Gotta love the cheesy letter on the back of a Holiday album. . .

Not one of my favorites, mind you, but not something I can really find fault with, either.  It's a polka album, folks, and while no one under the age of 78 can honestly say "polka is my favorite type of music," if you go into this one accepting the fact that you're going to hear some accordions and march signatures, you're gonna be fine.

Granted, I could definitely do without the German chorus chanting 'HAIL, CHRISTMAS' during their militaristic march numbers. . .

Too soon, Mr. Sturr.  Too soon.

VERDICT:  5/10 - Meh (By all rationale, this one should be a shit-show, but it somehow works just enough to keep it in the collection. . . just don't expect heavy repeated listening.)

- SHELVED -

Ep. LII: 'Popular Christmas Classics' - Various Artists

 Welcome back to the Odyssey, America.

I forgot to remind you all, in my last post, of the scale we use around these parts when rating these Holiday audio offerings.  This is what you can look forward to, my personalized 1-to-10 Scale:

10 - . . . And Out Come the Wolves (a symbol of perfection, and arguably one of the greatest albums made in the last twenty five years)
9 - Cowabunga! (if it makes you want to shout like a Ninja Turtle, you know it's good.)
8 - Awesome
7 - Pretty Rad (generally, in order for an album of mine to stay in Holiday Season Rotation, it needs to be rated '7' and up.)
6 - Decent (once and awhile a '6' makes it into constant rotation, but only if it satisfies a previously-vacant Holiday music niche.)
5 - Meh  (Albums in the 6 - 4 range almost always get 'Shelved.'  I hold on to them - for the time being - but they lose turntable time for the duration of the Season.)
4 - Borophyll
3 - Seriously? (anything below this point is put into my annual 'Donate to Goodwill' pile)
2 - Reality TV (there's only one thing shittier than Reality TV in my opinion, and that is. . .)
1 - Ohio (the Ninth Circle of Hell)

Now, let us throw on your jam pants. . .

Album Title:  Popular Christmas Classics

Album Artist:  Various Artists

Santa, probably writing up his Manifesto.

So I snatched this up from some thrift store awhile back - God knows which one - and it's sat in my pile of 'records-to-review' box down in our storage room for a couple of years.   I picked it up for the album art (at left), which, to me, hints at a ridiculously hokey, dated Christmas track list.  At the time, I didn't really read the artists and song selections that are literally plastered all over the cover, but, as you can see, it's definitely a 'Best of. . .'  for the Holiday Season.

This album definitely lives up to its title.  Nearly every song on this album can be heard every year in stores, on the radio, in TV commercials, you name it.  In fact, I'd say roughly two-thirds of the tracks here are the definitive versions of each Christmas song.

Probably safe to say all these guys are dead by now.

You've got Burl Ives' famous version of 'A Holly, Jolly Christmas,' the stand-out track from Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.  There's Bing Crosby's 'Do You Hear What I Hear?,' that's easily the most-widely recognized version of that song, and was made famous by its iconic usage in Gremlins.  The Harry Simeone Chorale's rendition of 'The Little Drummer Boy' is the one you hear in your head the second I name the song title - it's the quintessential version of that carol.  There's more, too, that are easily the most-played versions one hears during this time of year.

The Balrog

All things considered, this should be at least a '9.'  Maybe an '8,' considering there's a couple less-known and 'meh'-ish tracks from Glen Campbell and Leroy Anderson on here you don't really give two craps about, and aren't as widely heard as most of the others.

But then there's Tennessee Ernie Ford.  That baritone-spewing, Balrog of a crooner, who has broadsided this Record Odyssey of mine time and time again over the years with his all-out shittiness.  He brings his usual Holiday Horror voice to the forefront with his terrifying version of "The Star Carol," which, if his voice tells us anything at all, probably references a frickin' pentagram.

I hate this guy so damn much. . .

VERDICT:  6/10 - Meh (This Greatest Hits-ish compilation features several famous songs that are mandatory listening for the Holiday season, but Tennessee Ernie Ford barges onto the scene and sinks this album a couple points all by his terrifying lonesome.)

- SHELVED -

Ep. LI: 'Christmas Songs' - Bad Religion

Don't kid yourself, America.  You know you missed this.

It's that time once again, folks.  We're in the Holiday Pre-Season.  Halloween is long, past dead, and even though we've yet to run that whole Thanksgiving gauntlet. . . who cares.  It's not like Thanksgiving is a real holiday anyway.

Do you see end-caps at Meijer or Target advertising Thanksgiving merch, aside from hand-towels?  No?  Well, there you have it.  Not a real holiday.

Now as we've discussed here in this blog in previous years, the Holiday Pre-Season here in the Hough household brings about one of my favorite yuletide traditions:  the audio-scrutinization of every, last Christmas LP I own.  I dig out all of my Holiday vinyl (which, over the last few years, has gotten to be quite substantial indeed) and put aside the tried-and-true classics for repeated use in my designated Crate of Yuletide Awesomeness.  Check it out:

There's about thirty or so LPs that get to chill out in this place of honor, and these are ones that I play on a pretty regular basis throughout the Holiday season.  Other albums that I still consider worth keeping, deem mandatory classics, or otherwise don't find myself playing a lot - like Christmas with the Chipmunks, or Disney's Christmas All-Time Favorites (call me crazy, I don't have a hankerin' for children's music all that much anymore) - are put away safely in storage for Christmases yet-to-come (say, when I have grandkids or something.)

This Battle Station is fully operational.  Bring on the Holidays, motherf***ers.

I keep a separate crate of unplayed, untried, and untested Holiday vinyl off to the side, atop my sub-woofer (see picture.)  As each Christmas record is tried out on my turntable, it either a.) finds its way into the Crate of Yuletide Awesomeness, b.) is kept shelved away in storage for future Christmases, or c.) it's thrown in the 'Donate to Goodwill/Sell to Radio Wasteland' pile.  Each album is given careful consideration and scrutiny, which I then disclose to you, dear reader, in hopes of saving you the trouble of going through this process on your own.

Granted, I'm sure I'm one of, like, six people on Earth that undertake this endeavor, buuuut. . . I think it's worth it.

And so, with my reintroduction to the Craft being once again given, nestle in by the fire, pour yourself a holly, jolly egg-nog (I take mine with rum), and let's set off once again on this, our Great Christmas Record Odyssey. . .

Album Title:  Christmas Songs

Album Artist:  Bad Religion

For this, my 51st record that I've reviewed on this Odyssey, we hit the ground running.

That kid's so damn happy he got shoes for Christmas. . .

Bad Religion, for those of you not familiar with punk rock - the genre, the scene, the culture - are one of those few bands that are universally respected, if not adored, by everyone.  I can count on one hand the few other bands in punk rock that are just as well universally praised:  Operation Ivy, The Clash, The Misfits. . . that might be it.  Bad Religion have been around since the early '80s, and as elder statesmen, perform with the experience and credibility of a band that gives zero f***s whether or not you like them or buy their music.

Only one side of this album has music - kind of a short list.

This freedom to focus on music has given their sound a weight that many bands in the genre lack.  Greg Gaffin, their lead singer and principle songwriter, sings with a battle-worn conviction that few bands today - in any genre - can match.  This is one of the reasons why the far-fetched concept of a well-respected, universally-loved punk band covering Christmas standards works.

For example, the vocals on 'O Come All Ye Faithful' reverberate like a street anthem - a rallying cry for revolutionaries and Holiday cocktail aficionados alike.  You can pump your fist to it:  Greg's not just singing a seasonal song, folks.  Listening to this you believe he means lives and breathes every word of the song.

So, this album is good, and I'd even say some of the tracks are great. . . but I can't see myself giving this one above an '8' rating.

One of the greatest labels in punk music. . .

Here's the main reason why:  they keep the tempo and sound the same throughout the entirety of the album, with little variation.  Granted, punk rock is supposed to be fast and/or hard - it's the soundtrack to skateboarding, mosh pits, driving too fast down the highway, overthrowing a government, etc.  But, from start-to-finish, across an entire album - filled with many songs that are performed traditionally slow - can get tiresome.  Giving songs a 'punk cover' was all the rage in the '90s, and some bands - looking at YOU, Me First and the Gimme Gimmes - totally made a career out of taking old songs, speeding them up, and singing them in a 'punk' way.

This is the first CD I've owned since 2006. . .

Gaffin, as a solo artist, has recorded a couple really solid country/folk, Americana-punk albums that are hauntingly good (Millport, Cold as the Clay, etc.)  Had he gotten Bad Religion behind that style instead and given a few of these tracks that kind of treatment, this album could've instantly become a modern classic.

Instead, I'm more than happy to settle for it being really, really good.

VERDICT:  8/10 - Awesome (Punk rock elder statesmen pump out a badass Christmas album and don't give a f***  about slowing down occasionally for variety's sake.)

- REMAINS IN CIRCULATION -