Ep. CXXXIII: 'The Joyful Season' - Jo Stafford

 Who's ready for some more yuletide, audio snobbery? Anyone?

Album Title:  The Joyful Season

Album Artist:  The Voices of Jo Stafford

This one might be a bit of a let-down, guys. So, like practically every other album reviewed this year, I snatched up yet another dollar bin treasure from Radio Wasteland based on the album artwork. Jo Stafford has one of those looks that, to me, screams 'boring church lady music.' The beehive haircut and disapproving look leads one to believe that this lady was probably used to wielding the 'N-Word' around like a battle ax back in the day. 

Because God forbid those people use the same sidewalk as her children.

Here's the shtick with this album: 'The Voices of Jo Stafford.' At first I wasn't sure what the hell this meant, like were they a group of singers who were forced to bear the name of only one, beehive-wearing bitch (who's most likely a racist)? Does she have multiple personalities and each of them get a chance to sing on this Holiday album (because, as terrifying as that would probably be for the studio engineers to record, I bet it'd be pretty awesome to listen to)?

Nothing nearly that cool, I'm afraid. They recorded multiple vocal tracks of the same, stupid lady and then layered them over the music. That's it.

Jo would like to speak to your manager, pronto.

Guys, that isn't anything special. That's called backing vocals, and they're present in nearly every song ever recorded, this isn't some groundbreaking thing you just invented. Folks do it all the time, except most people use other people for backing vocals. 

Jo must have insisted on - nay, demanded - only using her 'angelic voice' on this album. Probably while smoking a cigarette in the studio, hand on her hip, glaring at the black janitor that was taking out the trash in the sound booth.

Because 'they' shouldn't ever be allowed in her presence. Her grandfather probably rode with Nathan Bedford Forrest.

Anyway, can this lady sing? Meh, I guess. She sounds like a middle-aged woman from the '60s singing. A click up from the 'pretty good singer at church' that we've reviewed a hundred times or so on this blog of ours, but nothing impressive enough to commit to memory. She must have been in her 40s when this was recorded, because her voice is relatively low for a female - only decades of being beaten down by life (and maybe a husband, considering it was the '60s), birthing kids, watching blacks get Civil Rights, etc. can do that to a woman's voice.

The saving grace here is that Jo isn't singing a church-y Christmas album at all, which was my initial impression upon adding this one to my stack of Holiday records a month or two ago. No, these are all secular Holiday favorites that everyone knows the lyrics to - just check out the track listing. This alone adds a point or two in Jo's favor, because had this been a set of overly-religious, Christmas music (WHY was that so popular sixty years ago?), or a collection of god-awful 'original' Christmas songs (there's thousands of Holiday favorites in the Public Domain, guys - go nuts), this would have been a shit-show.

From Our House to Yours. Racistly.

Jo can sing well enough, like I said, and the arrangements themselves are decent for the time period. It's a chill album, there's no upbeat music, no 'swing' to be found here (despite the fact I'm pretty sure this was released in the '60s.) No, Jo likes to keep it slow and low, as if she's singing to herself while slowly, stumbling up the stairs of her home late at night after she passed out drunk on a living room couch in front of her black-and-white, 14" television set.

So again, kinda disappointed because I was hoping to find something comically bad with this one, and instead I just got a half-way competent - but ultimately boring - Holiday album from some racist Karen from the '60s.

VERDICT:  4/10 - Borophyll (Was the 'beehive' haircut the 'I want to speak to the manager' haircut of the 1960's? 'Cause I'm assuming it was.)

- SHELVED-

- Brian

Ep. CXXXII: 'Christmas' - Kenny Rogers

Kenny Rogers should've known when to fold 'em on this one. . .

Album Title:  Christmas:

Album Artist:  Kenny Rogers

If you came here expecting an album that sounds like 'The Gambler,' but instead of a guy dying on a train it's, you know, Christmas, then I have some really bad news for you, folks.

This isn't a country Christmas album in the slightest. If you didn't know Kenny Rogers' discography you'd be forgiven for not identifying him as a celebrated country star, based on this release. While there are a couple songs that hint at 'country' more than your typical Christmas album - 'Kentucky Homemade Christmas,' namely - this feels too corporate for authenticity. Like when you see a millionaire from the city wearing cowboy boots because they happen to be vacationing somewhere trendy out west.

' The f*** outta here with that crap, poser.

'Corporate' is a good word for this album, to tell you the truth - the whole thing just smacks of having money thrown at it. The production and mixing of this album is top-notch, which isn't surprising considering Kenny Rogers was a pretty big deal back in the day. This album was released in 1980 - the year I was born - at the height of that late '70s to mid-80's era when music was super polished and pain-stakingly produced (see: Yacht Rock) 

I 100% believe that every, last studio musician who performed on this album was wearing a ponytail.

They have full string sections on many of these songs, which are all arranged competently and, in most cases, are familiar Holiday songs. That's a check in the 'assets' column for Kenny, because a lot of these Holiday albums done by contemporary singers load the track lists with bullshit no one's ever heard of (or wants to hear.) While there are a few originals on here, they're 'meh' as far as Christmas songs go, there's nothing on this album that's too painful to listen to.

So having powered through both sides of this LP, this music gives serious '1980s Department Store' vibes. I've mentioned this before on a prior post, but music like this used to be used during the Holidays by chain stores because there's a science to playing music in stores (I know this because I majored in Advertising and Marketing in college.) If the music is too fast, people will move faster through the store and feel 'rushed.' If it's too slow, people will get bored and not feel motivated enough to shop more, and may spend less money than they otherwise would. You want relaxing music, but not to the point where folks are getting catatonic. 

Kenny Rogers' Christmas album fits the bill. It's sappy orchestral music, which doesn't try to hide it's attempts at tugging at one's heart strings with the repeated string swells, track after track, probably crackled across department store speakers throughout the country for years. And I'm sure a lot of folks loved it, too; this album would've been gobbled up by those country music fans who wanted to listen to some 'slick' Christmas music for a change. Kinda like when a lady who lives in a run-down trailer decides to use a credit card to splurge on a $600 purse so she can feel like a Kardashian. 

I'm disappointed there wasn't more country on this album, but, considering the year/era it was produced, I'm not surprised. Raw talent softens with age, money and success, and it's way easier to just let the money do the talking. I added that 'Kentucky' track on to my Christmas 4 (Country) Amazon Music playlist (the only song that's half-way decent and sounds like 'country' Kenny Rogers), but I'm totally fine with never listening to the other nine songs ever again.

I wish this would have been a Kenny Loggins Christmas album instead, that would have been cool. I love me some Yacht Rock. Does Kenny Loggins even have a Christmas album? I'd imagine he would.

I should look into this. . .

VERDICT:  5/10 - Meh (Early '80s corporate execs have Kenny Rogers check his 'country' persona at the door for a sappy, sleek, and ultimately boring Christmas album. It gets one pity point for a decent song on Side A, otherwise this would be a solid '4.')

- SHELVED-

- Brian

Ep. CXXXI: 'Kiddies Christmas' - Unknown

Don thee now our gay apparel. . . just kidding, don't do that. This is a church album, and the church frowns on the gays.

Album Title:  Kiddies Christmas

Album Artist:  Unknown

So, yet again, we have a gem pulled from the darkest, dankest, recesses of Radio Wasteland's Dollar Bin. As usual, we find ourselves with another yuletide turd that is far worse than I had expected, which is saying a lot considering the dumpster fire that is the cover artwork. A group of kids, freezing out in the cold, gaze longingly through a window at an assortment of presents (featuring a small-ass dog who's just escaped from a box, apparently.)

Here's my concern: is this in a store's display window? Because, if so, that's the shittiest store window I've ever seen. Maybe it's one of those hipster-ish boutiques that specializes in artisan soaps where the store owners are a husband and wife adorned in knit caps and crappy cuneiform tattoos. And the shitty store window is an intentional move to showcase their store's authenticity.

That's actually the better scenario, because if this isn't a store's display window, then these special needs kids (because I'd bet the lives of my own children on the fact that the boy in the back is - there's no way on God's green Earth that kid's playing with a full deck) are staring into someone's house. Like a bunch of retarded, Peeping Toms.

Now, believe it or not, this poorly-executed cover design is actually the best thing about this album.  I wish I was kidding.

First of all, it should be obvious by the kids on the cover and the graphically-challenged Title art (sweet machine gun you sneaked in there, Graphic Designer) that this album is targeting the little kid demographic. I had initially assumed that the songs on this album would be sung by a children's choir, or, at the very least, a group of male and female vocalists who sound as if they're smiling while they're singing (know what I'm talking about? Like when you call someone on the phone and can hear in their voice that they're smiling.) And the track listing would be compromised of children's Holiday favorites ('Frosty the Snowman,' 'Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer,' 'Up on the Rooftop,' 'Santa Claus is Comin' to Town,' etc. - there's, like, a bajillion to choose from.)

But nope. That's not what we have here.

Just look at this f***ing track list, guys. Why the hell did the producers of this release decide to feature a bunch of slow, boring, religious carols on a children's Christmas album? What frickin' genius made that call? Are solemn, religious carols a necessary component for the Holiday season? Sure, for most folks (you know, that 'reason for the season' and so on and so forth), but on a children's album?  

Guys, I speak from experience: kids do not like going to church. I fought that battle with my parents for years, and now my kids fight that battle with me. Church is boring (unless you're my wife), and I don't blame kids in the slightest for squirming miserably in the pews. So, considering this, what made the producers think that kids would want to hear church music on a Holiday album clearly marketed towards them?

It isn't until Track 3 that we get around to upbeat, more light-hearted Christmas carols with 'Deck the Halls,' which isn't really 'children's' in nature, but 'Dickens.'  If you actually pay attention to the lyrics of this one, this song is clearly a couple hundred years old, but damn - after those few boring church songs that open up this album, I'll take it.

Unfortunately, it's right back to the religious crap after our brief interlude, with some dude singing bass that could easily give Tennessee Ernie Ford and Jim Nabors a run for their money. It's hard to sell this album as a Holiday album targeting children when one of your prolific vocalists sounds like Paul Frees welcoming you to the Haunted Mansion. Even 'Jingle Bells,' one of the most upbeat songs in Christmasdom, is unnerving with these vocals.

Frank doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground.

This sounds like an album meant to scare kids into obedience during the Holiday season. There's no revelry or whimsy to be found anywhere on this atrocity. I would imagine the only people who owned this album back in the '50s were people that were adamant about home-schooling their children, lest they fall into the many, many traps of Satan in the Public Education System.

'Nancy' had a traumatic childhood. No f***ing doubt about it.

Being a veteran teacher of almost 20 years, I'll concede that we have plenty of said traps in our schools, but. . . c'mon. How can sending one's precious little angels into a public middle school be any less hellish than what they've amassed here?

WON'T SOMEONE THINK OF THE CHILDREN?!

VERDICT:  2/10 - Reality TV (This is the musical equivalent of getting your kids' hopes up for flashy new toys from Santa and then handing them personalized, devotional bibles on Christmas Morning.)

- SHELVED-

- Brian

Ep. CXXX: 'Christmas Is:' - Pamela Wilson

What do you get when you cross a Disney Princess with an unruly Karen from the '60s? I'll show you. . .

Album Title:  Christmas Is:

Album Artist:  Pamela Wilson

So, yet again, we have ourselves here another dollar bin find from the local record store, and, as usual, I was drawn to the album cover. Pamela Wilson isn't the sort of 'artist' I'm familiar with, but on account of the album cover - which features what might be the ugliest collection of Christmas ornaments ever assembled and photographed by man - this was an inevitable purchase.

She strangled seals with her bare hands to get that coat.

Ornaments aside, the center focal point on said cover is Pam herself, all wrapped up in furs that, based on the joyless, dead look in her eyes, were probably skinned off the animals while they were still alive, trying to protect their young. Pam kinda looks like the sort of Karen who would tear into a 16-year-old, minimum-wage supermarket employee on her way home from church (because of course she's a church-going 'Christian') because she can't find diced tomatoes in a 32 oz can. 

So, musically, the arrangements here - the instrumentation and backing vocals - sound like they should be played in a 1960s department store. The levels are decent, the arrangements - if not a bit too hokey for my liking - are produced well. This is classy, elevator music that one could shop to without being offended by, say, upbeat tempos, jazzy chord progressions, or any of that sorta thing. 

But what about Karen er, Pam herself? Can she sing?

Well, that depends. Do you think Ariel from Disney's The Little Mermaid can sing? How about Snow White?

Guys, if that's your jam, you're absolutely gonna love this one.

Pam's voice sounds like she should be either frolicking with animated forest animals, or else trying to steal bloody teeth from underneath kids' pillows while they're asleep and replacing it with small bills. It's so high pitched and filled with vibrato that it's hard not to envision her floating about the studio in a sparkling, pink tutu bedazzled in glitter, waving about a wand of some kind.

A pretty reliable track listing from Pamela and the rest of the Lollipop Guild.

Everybody likes a little sugar here and there, right? Scoop of ice cream, can of pop, a cookie, whatever your weakness is? Now imagine being forced to wolf down an entire bowl of straight sugar in a single sitting. With a spoon.

That's what listening to Pam is like.

From Our House to Yours. . .

Like the other day when I was complaining about an entire album's worth of baritone singing on a Christmas record - that's right, I'm talkin' about you, Jim Nabors, you ridiculous bastard - an entire album of soprano singing is equally abrasive. Even though the track listing on this release falls well within the 'safety zone' for a Holiday release, listening to the squeaky, peppiness of Pam f***ing Wilson for two whole sides makes one's teeth ache after awhile.

For Christ's sake, I feel like I've been reviewing cartoon records this last week, what the actual f***. . . 

VERDICT:  3/10 - Seriously? (The 'ying' to Jim Nabors' 'yang,' good ol' Pam Wilson shoves her high-pitched, cartoon-y vocals down the collective throats of the masses, whether they're asking for it or not. Nobody needs this in their lives, America.)

- SHELVED-

- Brian

Ep. CXXIX: 'Christmas Hymns and Carols, Volume I' - The Robert Shaw Chorale

Hope you guys weren't looking forward to hearing instruments this evening . .

Album Title:  Christmas Hymns and Carols, Volume 1

Album Artist:  The Robert Shaw Chorale

So here's another prime example of Yours Truly picking up an album out of Radio Wasteland's Dollar Bin solely due to the shitty album cover.

An assortment of orphans singing for table scraps, out in the cold, while the warmth of a festive Christmas party (one can only assume) can be seen shining through a nearby window. One of the kids is holding a battered, old book far too thick to be a Hymnal of Christmas carols, and even if it was he apparently doesn't need to read it while singing. Being an orphan, he probably can't read anyway. Two of these kids are so hungry they can't even keep their eyes open, they probably don't live through the night.

Great album cover, guys.

This is an old record. You can tell because the mixing on this album is pure dog shit. The audio levels are all far too quiet and the surface noise is atrocious, even after a thorough cleaning on my Spin Clean. 'High Fidelity' my ass.

The choir itself is fine for what it is. It sounds like a church choir, like what you'd see in a large, more upscale church. Like a Catholic Church. Where there's high vaulted ceilings and a crap-ton of candles standing about. Depressing statues posed in nearby wall niches, rich mahogany pews, giant stained-glass windows, a bunch of pervy, bald men having 'mischievous secrets' with unsuspecting children in hidden anterooms.

Not like one of those 1970s brick-and linoleum congregational churches with faded carpet and shitty coffee that looks like a doctor's office and smells of old people and dust.

There's not much to comment on this one, I apologize - this is gonna be a quick and easy review. Each of these tracks consists of a medley of standard, religious (and, if not religious, at least somber) carols that blend together well and, for the most part, are all familiar to the casual Christmas music listener. This helps because if they included 'original' Holiday songs, this album would be really, really weird. What kinda stuffy church would have the audacity to have their choir sing original numbers during the Christmas season?

No surprises here, all safe choices.

I can't think of a pressing need for an album such as this. If you're relaxing at home, listening to Christmas music, would you really want to be listening to a choir album? I mean, really? This is an a capella choir album, too - there's zero music in the background anywhere. Just a bunch of people, standing around a collection of microphones, singing church songs. If that's your idea of a good time, by all means, you do you - you might thoroughly enjoy this album.

But I sure as shit don't wanna hang out with you.

VERDICT:  5/10 - Meh (As far as a capella Christmas choir albums go, I guess. . . . it's. . . okay?)

- SHELVED-

- Brian

Ep. CXXVIII: 'Jim Nabors' Christmas Album'

The Shadows of Mordor stretch out across the frozen landscape of mid Michigan, corrupting an otherwise tranquil snow-covered morning. . .

Album Title:  Christmas Album

Album Artist:  Jim Nabors

Happy Snow Day, America. 

With school called off this morning due to slick roads and a few of inches of early-season snow (for the 2020's, at least), I decided to scrutinize one of my dollar finds from the bargain bin at Radio Wasteland.

I know I've heard this Jim Nabors guy before on a compilation somewhere, and I vaguely remember thinking he was a comically bad singer, but I had no idea just how terrible this piece of shit was until I dropped the needle on this Holiday release. 

You ever see the 1977 Rankin & Bass cartoon version of The Hobbit (Tolkien's prequel to the Greatest Books of All Time)? Remember the orcs in that cartoon? And there were like songs that the orcs and goblins sang in the cartoon? Where they're hunting down Thorin Oakenshield and company, or marching off to besiege the city of Minas Tirith?

This guy sings like an orc.

In the same vein as the infamous Tennessee Ernie Ford, Jim Nabors is a hot frickin' mess of a baritone singer. Baritone singers should not sing like tenors, they just. . . shouldn't. You can most certainly write songs for deeper-voiced singers, but not all songs should be done for people this low on the audio spectrum. And that goes for like 90% of Christmas jams.

I don't care how many albums this guy sold back in the day, I don't care that he was a regular in Vegas and on shitty '60s variety shows. I don't. You know, a lot of Americans were exposed to lead and asbestos in the '40s - '60s, so there's a whole swath of the population who developed mental deficiencies severe enough to warrant purchasing this asshole's music. 

People also got swept in all of Hitler's crap back in the '30s and 40's, look where it got us.

Anyway, ol' Jim here decides to record a Holiday album. Why not, that's all the rage back in the day. He selects a handful of - surprise, surprise - religious Christmas carols, which I suppose we could consider a blessing because if I had to listen to this guy sing children's Christmas carols like 'Up on the Rooftop,' 'Santa Claus is Comin' to Town,' etc. I might just take my own life. 

From Jim's Home (the Tower of Barad'dur, most likely) to Yours. . .

The only song that sort of works with a voice this low is 'O Holy Night,' as the music works with a lower-register voice like Jimmy's here. Even 'O Come, All Ye Faithful' - which is usually a thunderous carol, about the closest thing to an 'anthem' you can get for a Holiday song - sounds ridiculous with this guy singing over it. 

He dials it up to '11' every time he gets behind the mic, and it's just straight-up jarring. There's no way people could listen to this in the comfort of their own shag-carpeted homes back in the day and enjoy this without being half-tanked. 'Jingle Bells,' a light-hearted Christmas song, must have been a forced march for the studio engineers to record - like most of the songs on this album, it's well-mixed and competently produced, but then Jim lays down the vocal track and torpedoes all their hard work. Case in point: one should never 'belt out' 'Silent Night.' That's Christmas Music 101. That's a somber song, there's no need to shout it from the rafters.

This whole album is like when someone spends hours and hours working on one of those competitive baking TV shows only to sneeze all over the damn thing while putting the finishing touches on the frosting.

VERDICT:  3/10 - Seriously? (I gave this train wreck a bonus point because the musicianship and production value is decent for the time, and had a better singer been hauled up from the pits of Mordor this would probably be a solid '5.')

- SHELVED-

- Brian

Ep. CXXVII: 'Ultimate Christmas' - Frank Sinatra

This one's gonna be a roller coaster, folks. Prepare thyself.

Album Title:  Ultimate Christmas

Album Artist:  Frank Sinatra

Guys, this was a frivolous purchase for Yours Truly. I've already reviewed a Sinatra Christmas album (Episode 49, 12/14/18), which scored a '9' easily because, well, it's Frank f***ing Sinatra and he's basically what I imagine God would sound like if God could sing.

(I mean, I'm sure God can sing, but like he probably doesn't really do so very often - why would he need to?)

Anyway, this 2-LP album is basically a collection of Sinatra's best known and best-selling Christmas music. The previous Sinatra album I reviewed - A Jolly Christmas - was a twelve-song burst of Yuletide awesomeness, with almost non-existent filler material to speak of. This release expands the track list to twenty songs, spread out over four sides of heavy, 180-gram vinyl that plays quiet and flawlessly. I was pissed when I first became aware of this album's existence, because I knew that even though I already owned like many of the songs (which can also be found on A Jolly Christmas), I had to have those remaining tracks.

I think the easiest way to handle this release is by taking a look at those Holiday songs on here that are not on the other one, otherwise I'm just re-reviewing all the same shit I've already done before. That being said, let's take a look at the new tracks to check out:

Side 1

Track 1: 'White Christmas'

This is a great song. Not as great as Bing's classic version (the version, if we're being honest here), because I think Sinatra kinda hovers between 'swinging' Sinatra and 'crooning' Sinatra and doesn't know which version of himself to commit to. Preferably, considering how Bing's already locked up the 'crooning' angle with his version, it would've been bad-ass to hear Sinatra come out swinging (like he does on 'Jingle Bells,' for example.)

Side 2

Track 4: 'Santa Claus is Coming to Town.' Okay, here we get swinging Sinatra. Dude sounds fired up with just enough scotch to get him feisty, but not to the point where it effects his speech or singing. You can practically here the cigarette smoke billowing over the microphone. This may be the best version of this song I've ever heard.

Side 3

Track 1: 'An Old Fashioned Christmas.' This one wasn't my favorite. Frank sounds great, but it's really slow and the arrangement isn't the best - it's too sappy and his voice doesn't match the overly-sentimental tone of the music. I've never heard this song before, it's not what you would consider a 'Holiday staple' by any means, so, you know. . . that doesn't help.

Track 2: 'I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day.' Another slow one, but Frank does know to deliver on this one. On the previous track, it was more than obvious he was reading off a lyrics sheet. With this one, he belts it out as if he clearly knows every word to it already. And that translates, folks.

Track 3: 'The Little Drummer Boy.' A solid version of this song, done in the same vein as the famous Harry Simeone Chorale. Not as great as that version, but still - no complaints whatsoever. See:'White Christmas' above.

Track 4: 'Whatever Happened to Christmas.' This was clearly recorded later on in his career. The track is bloated and over-the-top, but Frank sounds tired and run down. He's still got the voice, but man. . . it's exhausted. Again, this song suffers from the voice and music not necessarily pairing up well, and it doesn't help that this isn't a familiar favorite you can draw upon for reference.

Track 5: 'The Twelve Days of Christmas.' Wanna hear Frank (barely) sing this long-ass, repetitive Holiday song with his kids ? What about switched up lyrics? Because I don't. They try and sweeten the deal with a collection of backup singers that sound as if they just walked off the set of a Tim Burton movie, but that just ends up making matters worse. This is probably the worst song on this entire album.

Side 4

Track 1: 'The Bells of Christmas/Greensleeves.' So here's another one with Frank bringing his kids back into the recording studio, along with the Tim Burton backup singers. They made up some lyrics to the tune of 'Greensleeves' and called it good.  It's not. If it was only Frank, and the arrangement wasn't soooo dramatic, it'd be far better.

Track 2: 'I Wouldn't Trade Christmas.' What is happening?? Another one with his f***ing kids?! He has a Rat Pack, for Christ's sake - tap into those guys. This song is a transparent move on his part to elevate the star status of his coattail-riding brats, and I'm not about this in the slightest.

Track 3: 'A Baby Just Like You.' Well, at least this one wasn't recorded on Bring Your Kids to Work day. This is a much later addition to his catalog, recorded about five years before I was born. You can tell, because Frank sounds half dead. He can still sing better than most mortal men, but Jesus - comparing this to some of the bangers on the first record is just cruel.

Track 4: 'Christmas Memories.' Another tired effort from '75. This song - and the one that preceded it aren't recognizable carols, nor do they have the charm, spark, whatever-you-want-to-call-it to be new Holiday favorites. These are just tired ass songs being sung by someone's grandfather (who probably gets laid waaaaay more than they do.) The backup singers sound as if they're singing a jingle from a shitty, old commercial off your local NBC affiliate channel back in the '70s. Kinda makes me want to go out and buy some Shake n' Vac.

So there you have it, gang. This wasn't the direction in which I was anticipating this album going but. . . here we are. The first record is practically flawless, so it'd be hard giving that anything below a '9.' The second record, though - damn. For me, that one's closer to a '5' or a '6,' so I think for this release, it's only fair to average the two together and cut our losses. 

(I'm sorry Frank, I truly am.)

VERDICT:  7/10 - Pretty Rad (I'm disappointed in this one, simply because had they trimmed up the fat a little bit - by throwing the second record into a fire, perhaps - this would be a solid release. Go out and buy a copy of A Jolly Christmas instead, gang.)

- REMAINS IN CIRCULATION -

- Brian

Ep. CXXVI: 'The Bells of Christmas Morn' - The Schulmerich Carillon Americana Bell

Man, I hope you guys like doorbells. . .

Album Title:  The Bells of Christmas Morn

Album Artist:  The Schulmerich "Carillon Americana" Bell

I've reviewed my fair share of blase 'Bell & Chimes' Holiday records over the years, as well as the alternative (and slightly better) 'Chimes & Organ.' There's a crap-load of that stuff out there to choose from, it was definitely all the rage back in the '50s considering how much of it you come across in your local thrift store (or record store dollar bin.) 

I assumed, when I first spotted this one, that it would sound similar to the previous records I've reviewed on here; I mean, it has 'bells' on the title, the track listing is similar, the artwork just as tired and lame. On other 'bells'-related albums, one can expect hand bells of varying size, usually performed by a 'band' (for lack of better term) of people ringing different bells at designated times in order to create an easily-discernible Christmas melody. 

Kris' old church downtown has a bell 'team' (or band, whatever), in fact: they line up in a row in front of a cloth-covered table, upon which arrayed out like medieval torture devices are bells of different sizes ('cause the bigger bells make lower-pitched sounds, etc.) They're then conducted by some old bag of a woman who definitely acts as if she's conducting the London Symphony Orchestra, and the results are what you'd expect.

This album, believe it or not, does not sound anything like the previous Bell/Chime/Organ albums I've reviewed in the past.

This album sounds like a doorbell.

The ol' Holiday message on the back of the cover. Don't believe any of it.

I wish I was kidding, but that's like the most accurate way I can possibly describe it. Well, maybe a room filled with multiple doorbells, all simultaneously going off at the same time. Now, you might be thinking to yourself, "Ope, here we go - Brian's over-exaggerating for entertainment's sake again. . ." but I shit you not, America - when I started playing this album on my turntable, both my dogs started to lose their shit in the living room. They thought someone was at our door.

Seriously.

So let's take a step back and analyze the nuts and bolts of this real quick. There's not much to find fault with with a track list of familiar Christmas songs, and the recording quality itself isn't horrible (it's a 70-year-old record, we'll cut it some slack.) The 'attraction' of this album was how they hooked up hundreds and hundreds of tons of cast-metal bells to an electronic organ (not even joking), so that when some asshole named Robert (a so-called 'Carillonneur,' mind you) plays a Christmas song on said keyboard, it strikes all these heavy-ass bells.

Goddamn it, Robert - you frickin' ruined doorbells for me.

With the lighter, higher-pitched bells, this could have been stomached in moderation, but when all you're doing is ringing super loud-ass bells non-stop, it gets old real fast. Like, ten seconds is too much. Robert, bells are accent instruments, used for emphasis or atmosphere (quietly, in the background). Unless you're announcing the hour of the day, calling people to prayer, or alerting people that there's someone at their door, we don't need bells in our day-to-day lives. And we certainly don't need bells this frequently in Christmas music.

Imagine hearing a crash cymbal in a song. Totally great once and awhile, for emphasis purposes.

Now imagine a song where it's nothing but repeated crash cymbals, from start to finish.

That's what this album is like.

VERDICT:  2/10 - Reality TV (Stock up on the Tylenol if you're dead set on listening to this one. You've been warned.)

- SHELVED-

- Brian